I feel so unloved in my marriage
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Old 09-30-2011, 06:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I feel so unloved in my marriage

I really feel alone and worthless in my marriage and don't know how to fix it. If you have any suggestions please say them.

Here is the backstory. We've been married for over 5 years and dated on/off for 14 years. We did both cheat on each other prior to getting engaged but both have been faithful. We were just super young when we met.

I went back to school to pursue my dream in nursing 3.5 years ago and will have my RN in May. He thinks school is a waste of time and money, so not too much support. He does pay most of the bills as I'm in school. so that is a blessing and so helpful but he often reminds me of how much he is helping me and I should treat him better. With my school I'm super busy, work PT 15+ hours a week and volunteer at a local hospital.

He is really involved in a film group and works freelance working on computers. I love that he has things to keep him busy, as I'm so busy. But on the past film project I helped out and was completely ignored all day and he kept on talking with one of the ladies and not once came to see how I was doing. He even asked me to make him a sandwich and when I brought it to him he was chatting with her. This happened again. I told him how much it hurt and how it made me feel, he replie with "I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you". There is another girl in the group who is super friendly with him and cold towards me so that instantly makes me feel uneasy towards her. She always calls/ texts my husband and they often get together. Is it wrong of me to say that I don't want him getting together with her alone (either have me there or others around) or is that too controlling? She is dating someone that I've meet.

My husband barely touches me, doesn't say compliments to me, gives only quick pecks of a kiss, doesn't nice things (such as leaving notes, calling/ texting to say Hi), call to say he's running late, when I ask him for help around the house he complans like a child etc. I'm so unhappy, feel unloved, unattractive, un-everything. I tried to talk to him and it turns into an argument that I'm being too sensitive and need not to turn things into big deals. But how can I not?
Please help me.
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Old 09-30-2011, 07:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

I am in a somewhat similar situation. My wife isnít into leaving surprises, being affectionate. I have suffered for a long time. And we had an emergency marriage counseling appointment and now she says that she isnít sure if she loves me anymore.

Have you asked him if he really loves you? You deserve an answer to that question. He doesnít sound very supportive either. My wife and I were very supportive of each other when we were finishing our Bachelorís degrees (congrats on your RN by the way).

It sounds like you are being treated as an afterthought. You are not a priority to him and it hurts. Iím right there with you. Iím going through it now. Iíve told my wife the same thing.

I wonít say telling him how you feel will make everything better. But it sounds like that is exactly what has to happen. Did you ever think of marriage counseling? In an environment with a mediator where he is not liable to blow up at you?

You have unmet needs and you need an answer whether he is able and willing to fulfill them or not. Again, I am right there with you. I know men and women are different beasts, so just know that this is coming from a male rather than a female perspective.

All is not lost, although counseling can be a painful process. Ask if he would be willing to go because you want to talk in a healthy environment. It isnít a lot to ask of him.
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Old 10-01-2011, 12:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Thank you for your reply landgazr. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something simular. I also appreciate hearing a guys response. My husband keeps telling me that "men arent into the whole romantic gestures" but I tell him that those little things mean the world to me. I haven't asked him directly if he truly loves me. I will give that a try. I honestly don't have high levels of trust of counseling. I was forced to go when I was younger (when my parents split) and didn't like the therapist and how she talked to me and such.
I think that I'm going to ask him if we can set aside some time to talk. I will ask him if he truly loves and respects me. Then I will tell him that I will share my unmet needs. I hope that it goes well.
Thank you again landgazr and I hope that your emergency counseling session goes well.
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Old 10-01-2011, 02:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Melissa8,

I’m going to take a stab at this, I could be completely wrong, so take it for what it’s worth?

It sounds to me like your husband (like many) is insecure. I’m guessing that the “You should treat him better” is saying that your busy schedule and volunteering at a hospital has left him feeling that he is not your priority. He feels that you have been, had been, or are neglecting him and withdrawing from him.

His response to that was most likely to further withdraw from you.

Keeping himself involved, busy, and entertained in other ways. That could even involve accepting friendships from other women. It does not have to mean that he is cheating, he is getting his needs met in ways that he felt you were not meeting. He may feel resentment towards you. No different than what a woman feels in the same circumstances.

If this is the case, you’re coming back and expressing that your emotions are now being neglected, and him not paying attention to it, may be signs that he is numb to it. It could be a “she did not care about me, why should I care about her” attitude.

Your fears that he may have interest in another woman could be true, or they could not be. Either way, I believe that your actions should be to step up and fight for your man. Show him that he is important to you; remind him that you are all the woman he needs. Forget about your needs for a while and concentrate on what his needs are and providing them. Once you have changed his view of you and how you treat him, then you can come back and determine your mutual needs and how to achieve them.

Now I’m not suggesting that you have to kiss his a$$, but you cannot expect him to meet your emotional needs if he is viewing you as not being considerate of his. I’m not saying that’s right by any means, but it is a very common response to feeling neglected, by men and women both.

You may have to be the one who gets the ball rolling here. I would suggest that you attempt to do this with few words and minimal heavy conversations, that turns a man off as much as it does a woman.

I would try to do so with your actions and behaviors around and towards him. In other words, don’t say, DO!

Again, not permanently, just long enough to change each of your perceptions of the current situation.

That make sense?

That’s my thought, I hope it helps.

Warmly,
RDJ

Last edited by RDJ; 10-01-2011 at 08:51 PM.
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