I feel so unloved in my marriage - Talk About Marriage

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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-30-2011, 05:49 PM Thread Starter
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I feel so unloved in my marriage

I really feel alone and worthless in my marriage and don't know how to fix it. If you have any suggestions please say them.

Here is the backstory. We've been married for over 5 years and dated on/off for 14 years. We did both cheat on each other prior to getting engaged but both have been faithful. We were just super young when we met.

I went back to school to pursue my dream in nursing 3.5 years ago and will have my RN in May. He thinks school is a waste of time and money, so not too much support. He does pay most of the bills as I'm in school. so that is a blessing and so helpful but he often reminds me of how much he is helping me and I should treat him better. With my school I'm super busy, work PT 15+ hours a week and volunteer at a local hospital.

He is really involved in a film group and works freelance working on computers. I love that he has things to keep him busy, as I'm so busy. But on the past film project I helped out and was completely ignored all day and he kept on talking with one of the ladies and not once came to see how I was doing. He even asked me to make him a sandwich and when I brought it to him he was chatting with her. This happened again. I told him how much it hurt and how it made me feel, he replie with "I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you". There is another girl in the group who is super friendly with him and cold towards me so that instantly makes me feel uneasy towards her. She always calls/ texts my husband and they often get together. Is it wrong of me to say that I don't want him getting together with her alone (either have me there or others around) or is that too controlling? She is dating someone that I've meet.

My husband barely touches me, doesn't say compliments to me, gives only quick pecks of a kiss, doesn't nice things (such as leaving notes, calling/ texting to say Hi), call to say he's running late, when I ask him for help around the house he complans like a child etc. I'm so unhappy, feel unloved, unattractive, un-everything. I tried to talk to him and it turns into an argument that I'm being too sensitive and need not to turn things into big deals. But how can I not?
Please help me.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-30-2011, 06:40 PM
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

I am in a somewhat similar situation. My wife isnít into leaving surprises, being affectionate. I have suffered for a long time. And we had an emergency marriage counseling appointment and now she says that she isnít sure if she loves me anymore.

Have you asked him if he really loves you? You deserve an answer to that question. He doesnít sound very supportive either. My wife and I were very supportive of each other when we were finishing our Bachelorís degrees (congrats on your RN by the way).

It sounds like you are being treated as an afterthought. You are not a priority to him and it hurts. Iím right there with you. Iím going through it now. Iíve told my wife the same thing.

I wonít say telling him how you feel will make everything better. But it sounds like that is exactly what has to happen. Did you ever think of marriage counseling? In an environment with a mediator where he is not liable to blow up at you?

You have unmet needs and you need an answer whether he is able and willing to fulfill them or not. Again, I am right there with you. I know men and women are different beasts, so just know that this is coming from a male rather than a female perspective.

All is not lost, although counseling can be a painful process. Ask if he would be willing to go because you want to talk in a healthy environment. It isnít a lot to ask of him.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-30-2011, 11:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Thank you for your reply landgazr. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something simular. I also appreciate hearing a guys response. My husband keeps telling me that "men arent into the whole romantic gestures" but I tell him that those little things mean the world to me. I haven't asked him directly if he truly loves me. I will give that a try. I honestly don't have high levels of trust of counseling. I was forced to go when I was younger (when my parents split) and didn't like the therapist and how she talked to me and such.
I think that I'm going to ask him if we can set aside some time to talk. I will ask him if he truly loves and respects me. Then I will tell him that I will share my unmet needs. I hope that it goes well.
Thank you again landgazr and I hope that your emergency counseling session goes well.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-01-2011, 01:04 AM
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Melissa8,

I’m going to take a stab at this, I could be completely wrong, so take it for what it’s worth?

It sounds to me like your husband (like many) is insecure. I’m guessing that the “You should treat him better” is saying that your busy schedule and volunteering at a hospital has left him feeling that he is not your priority. He feels that you have been, had been, or are neglecting him and withdrawing from him.

His response to that was most likely to further withdraw from you.

Keeping himself involved, busy, and entertained in other ways. That could even involve accepting friendships from other women. It does not have to mean that he is cheating, he is getting his needs met in ways that he felt you were not meeting. He may feel resentment towards you. No different than what a woman feels in the same circumstances.

If this is the case, you’re coming back and expressing that your emotions are now being neglected, and him not paying attention to it, may be signs that he is numb to it. It could be a “she did not care about me, why should I care about her” attitude.

Your fears that he may have interest in another woman could be true, or they could not be. Either way, I believe that your actions should be to step up and fight for your man. Show him that he is important to you; remind him that you are all the woman he needs. Forget about your needs for a while and concentrate on what his needs are and providing them. Once you have changed his view of you and how you treat him, then you can come back and determine your mutual needs and how to achieve them.

Now I’m not suggesting that you have to kiss his a$$, but you cannot expect him to meet your emotional needs if he is viewing you as not being considerate of his. I’m not saying that’s right by any means, but it is a very common response to feeling neglected, by men and women both.

You may have to be the one who gets the ball rolling here. I would suggest that you attempt to do this with few words and minimal heavy conversations, that turns a man off as much as it does a woman.

I would try to do so with your actions and behaviors around and towards him. In other words, don’t say, DO!

Again, not permanently, just long enough to change each of your perceptions of the current situation.

That make sense?

That’s my thought, I hope it helps.

Warmly,
RDJ

Last edited by RDJ; 10-01-2011 at 07:51 PM.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-07-2016, 11:24 PM
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

I lost all my family to a form of dysfunction (long story) as well as my husbands family, our daughter stopped speaking with us over four years ago and is keeping us from seeing our two Grandsons which is killing us. My Mother died in 1986 and she was the only person to really love me unconditionally and I miss her everyday. My husband retired from the military in 2011 after 31 years and is now in another job that keeps him from home over 6 months out of the year, so it feels very much like it did in the military.

I have noticed a huge change in my husband over the past 2-3 years and know matter how hard I try to communicate or try counseling I cannot get through to him. He never sees fault in himself, I can say I'm sorry but I have built up anger. I plan things for us to do and he doesn't want to do them/he doesn't support me as I have him, he isn't romantic anymore, doesn't do the little things he used to, sex is out the window, but he can tell me he loves me everyday? But he cannot show it, he tells me he was diagnosed with PTSD but doesn't want to do anything about it because it would ground him (pilot), same thing with the sex he has an issue!

I am SO lonely and at wits end, I cannot seem to find good people to connect with? I have been to so much counseling but it never helps, I talk and talk and it goes no where! I have a Chihuahua that I feel is the only thing helping me hold on believe it or not, I love her so much. I do want to see my Grandsons but feel like it will never happen, my daughter is so cruel.

I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue but do not complain, my husband has had nearly 30 surgeries and I was there for him through it all. He makes me feel like a burden, I am so heartbroken because we were so good together I thought, we have a 30 year anniversary this July and I am feeling like it was all for nothing. I have been depressed for years now over the family ordeal and other things but am treated for it, but never feel like anything is under control. Never have found any doctors that care about me and my condition(s). Life can be beautiful but I am having trouble getting back to that place, I miss it

Kalena
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-07-2016, 11:30 PM
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Hi melissa8,
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I am going through the same thing. Reading your story reminded me of myself. I am very sorry. I had words for you to comfort you. All I can say is you are not alone.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-07-2016, 11:34 PM
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Have you read the Five Love Languages book yet? It may be that you and he simply have different ways of showing your love. It's at least worth a try.

I am more affectionate than my wife and it's not common for her to show affection through words or physical touch. She's more into actions and quality time. By learning what she likes, I am better able to give her love in the way that benefits her the most.

I'm a hopeless romantic and way into romantic gestures, so I'd have to disagree with your husband in that regard.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-08-2016, 05:41 AM
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Sounds like your husband is deflecting something and I suggest you two head to MC before you become vulnerable to getting your needs met elsewhere. Hopefully, he is not there yet either . But you two have both cheated and whether it was a long time ago or not you have crossed the line and so has he.

I think this is very important for YOU because this needs to be solved. When you graduate, you are going to be in a profession that is "worshipped" by the general public with good reason, but because of the long hours and pressure and stress of dealing with life and death situation, also has one of the higher rates of divorce and infidelity.

Men and women working in CLOSE proximity away from spouses all that time with plenty of opportunity for dalliance especially if shift work is involved.

Not a great recipe for a troubled marriage with a woman craving affection and lonely surrounded by men who crave you know what.

Your husband better get his head out of his butt or he will be one sorry guy. Get him to sit down and tell him you two need to talk to someone and why before you have to sit him down and tell him you are doing something else with unpleasant results.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 04:49 PM
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Wow, TX-SC, you hit the spot with such a quick, insightful post.
I'm also a hopeless romantic and since I couldn't plan my way out of a paper bag, planning and executing some kind of event takes enormous energy. But I do it because I care. Does anything ever come my way? No, I can't think of a single example.

But you got me thinking about it, and it does seem that she sees quality time as her way of giving back.

The OP's opening statement caught my attention when she described her husband's emotional distance and I could immediately relate with regards to my wife.
However, although I originally felt the same way, my emotions ran through self-doubt, insecurity, anger and finally, emotional withdrawal. I went so far as to move into the guest room. That was 2-1/2 years ago.
But let me ask the group this question: when trying to figure out what's wrong in this type of situation, when does your effort to understand become futile because you're doing nothing more than making excuses for your partner's emotional distance?
For example, my wife has always been uninterested in sex, but she indulged me. I thought "well, that's nice of her". But no, she did it just to avoid "the discussion". Although we've sort of had sex a few times in 2-1/2 years, I've never orgasmed, and I've totally lost all physical interest in her.
Now I don't even like her very much.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to hijack this discussion, but I do want to warn others that in my case at least, my wife doesn't want to talk about it, deflects all attempts to define the problem, thinks her way is the best way, romantic gestures are overrated (but don't dare miss a special occasion), sex is unnecessary, and a man expressing his feelings is weak.
I'm making her sound terrible but she's not, she's just different from me, that's all.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 05:13 PM
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Zombie Thread from 2011!

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-09-2016, 07:02 PM
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Re: I feel so unloved in my marriage

Maybe I'll start a new threat and I'll give some background as well.
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