For most of my 12 year marriage my husband has told me I am a closed off person, he wants me to communicate more, he wants more intimacy, etc. We went through counseling again this summer. I have been putting myself out there more on the communication front (very uncomfortable for me), namely the deeper issues that I fled from before. Since I thought this had been going pretty well, I've been looking at everyday ways to improve communication and our general connection.
Tonight we argued and faught...AGAIN! It's becoming quite regular lately. I don't know exactly how to go about this without writting a book, but here are the bullet points...
- we have a no divorce policy (although he has threatened in the past and I have considered (fantasized?) it this year
- we both have built up anger and resentments that are difficult (impossible?) to get over
- he has now checked out, and admits it (which he spent YEARS accusing me of!)
- he says I have convinced him we aren't good for eachother (WHAT?)
- he says that I am degrading, disrespectful, mean, nasty, spiteful, etc. because sometimes I raise my voice. I have NEVER called him a name, cursed at him, I don't know... He gets me so mad and fired up sometimes I raise my voice. I'm not even yelling, but I'm definitely heated! He says my tone and facial expressions, but come on! He drips with sarcasm and condesention but I'm MEAN and NASTY because I raised my voice and gave him a dirty look? OMG!! Yet I should simply stop because he has told me he doesn't like it.
- I feel like he's jumping on the chance to argue lately
- I feel like it is unfair to ask me for more and then shut down when he's finally getting it (and also saying he doesn't like the way I do it...refer to degrading, disprespectful, etc above)
- he likes to define what I say and do. he will diagnose that I am insecure, angry, etc and that's what our problem is. I sucked it up tonight and went to him and apologized and he told me I didn't really MEAN the 'I'm sorry for x,y,z'! I tell him I think or feel something and he says I'm wrong. I finally had it and told him he didn't get to tell me what I feel, think, really mean, etc.
Anyway....I guess this is my vent for tonight. I haven't done everything right, I know that. But I'm putting myself out there right now. I am starting to wonder if we have broken eachother down to the point where there is nothing left. He says he loves me, but he sure doesn't show it. He tells me that when I tell him I love him, or touch him it's routine, habit, doesn't mean anything to him.
I have seen the "5 Love Languages" book referenced here many times. I have not read it yet, but I know that I am an Act of Service and he is a Word/Affirmation type. So he says he shows me he loves me all the time by saying
that I am a good wife and mother. Although on the fair side I'm still thinking along the lines of 'look at all this I do for you, what do you mean I don't love you' type stuff. We do for eachother what we each want ourselves and we have even talked that over....we know that!
So...LONG and confusing story very short here....how do we find our way back? I'm really starting to fear we have broken and damaged eachother beyond repair. How do we break our stalemate? I know it only takes one person to break it, but we're both feeling like we have done all the trying and getting sh*t on in return.