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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 06:46 PM Thread Starter
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PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

I have been bestfriends with my friend for 18 plus years..we did everything together and lived right next to each other before she got married! I was thrilled for her when she got engaged! Now, she is married and lives 2 hrs away from me! When its her bday or she wants a "girls day" because frankly we all need one sometimes lol i would drive to go see her and stay in the guest bedroom at her house! She never rarely comes here because if she does or tries, her husband gives her a guilt trip as id like to call it and she calls me to tell me that he is whining about it so she just decides to stay at home. RECENTLY being this is her first marriage, she calls me saying he is driving her nuts and we laugh about it lol but she stated she really wanted to have a girls vacay! She called me saying that she had a week of pto from work and gave me the dates she was able to take off and suggested maybe a weekend to vegas, or a 4 day cruise! She was adament for me to look around for us and was overly excited one day when i called her and told her my boss was able to let me off those same days as well and i gave her some information on prices to las vegas in may. She was very happy and said she would talk to her husband about it to inform him and get back with me, so i said great! The next day, she called me and i asked her about it, she said well, he said its going to be way to hot during that time and he told her that she probably wouldnt like it! so she said check on a cruise. (I thought this was odd) meanwhile 2 days later she text me again stating that i needed to get on the ball because she had to let her boss know within reasonable time so i called that day got a awesome quote on a cruise during the time we both could go! Called her and this time she said she was so excited again, we talked about all the things we could do etc and she asked when would the money be due! 45 min later she sent me a text saying that her husband was not thrilled about her going once again. I asked her why? She said that he wasnt thrilled about her going with me. I asked her what that meant? And he should have no reason to ever have a problem.with her going ANYWHERE with me as shes been around me for 18 yrs plus! Now with this being said, throughout their relationship before marriage, anytime she wanted to have one or two days with her friends he would throw a tantum and she would always retract hanging out with us. ( most of the hanging out might i add is just girls watching movies and doing nails at home) lol NOW that they are married its gotten worse. Even on her bday she begged me to come down and i did and he seemed upset she spent the day with me at the mall doing girls things she wanted to do and planned herself but she came home to him and all his family there so it wasnt like she wasnt with him as well. Also he has told her that when she wants to come home to see her parents that she cant be doing that very often because she is a married woman now and she needs to be sleeping in her own bed at home with her husband. She has no family where she now currently lives its all his family. Now, iam not married but ive had my bf for 3 years now. We all started dating at the same time. She has called me also before crying and stating that he tells her shes too independent sometimes and that she needs to start consulting him and being respectful in the fact to ask him for advice for everything. I may be wrong but sometimes i have a feeling that he may be a tad bit controlling by the things he says or in how he acts! The one thing that stuck out at me was that right before they were married one time me and her had a little disagreement for say about 5 minutes and he told me that, "hey just try to get along before the wedding because once we are married i have a say so and can tell her what to do" and ill never forget that! And everytime she wants to make plans to do something with friends he cries and throws guilt trips and she says well he doesnt want me to go he is being a big baby again so i guess ill stay home.. am i wrong to be a little worried about my friend that one day he might exhibit more controlling manners? Im not going to say something to her because if i do i know ill friendship will end BUT at what point can she keep her friendship as well?? I want any comments regarding this and all opinions are welcome! Im wanting advice on this! Please and thank you!!! Help me understand and figure this out if its even something to figure out!!!


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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 07:24 PM
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Re: Help!! Friends husband controlling??

He is her husband. You're not.

My wife is going nowhere alone with a male friend. Nor do I go out with female friends.

It's called boundaries.

It sounds like she was not ready for marriage. You're not in high school anymore.
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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 09:14 PM
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Re: Help!! Friends husband controlling??

I have been bestfriends with my friend for 18 plus years..we did everything together and lived right next to each other before she got married! I was thrilled for her when she got engaged! Now, she is married and lives 2 hrs away from me! When its her bday or she wants a "girls day" because frankly we all need one sometimes lol i would drive to go see her and stay in the guest bedroom at her house!

She never rarely comes here because if she does or tries, her husband gives her a guilt trip as id like to call it and she calls me to tell me that he is whining about it so she just decides to stay at home. RECENTLY being this is her first marriage, she calls me saying he is driving her nuts and we laugh about it lol but she stated she really wanted to have a girls vacay! She called me saying that she had a week of pto from work and gave me the dates she was able to take off and suggested maybe a weekend to vegas, or a 4 day cruise! She was adament for me to look around for us and was overly excited one day when i called her and told her my boss was able to let me off those same days as well and i gave her some information on prices to las vegas in may.

She was very happy and said she would talk to her husband about it to inform him and get back with me, so i said great! The next day, she called me and i asked her about it, she said well, he said its going to be way too hot during that time and he told her that she probably wouldnt like it! so she said check on a cruise. (I thought this was odd) meanwhile 2 days later she text me again stating that i needed to get on the ball because she had to let her boss know within reasonable time so i called that day got a awesome quote on a cruise during the time we both could go!

Called her and this time she said she was so excited again, we talked about all the things we could do etc and she asked when would the money be due! 45 min later she sent me a text saying that her husband was not thrilled about her going once again. I asked her why? She said that he wasnt thrilled about her going with me. I asked her what that meant? And he should have no reason to ever have a problem.with her going ANYWHERE with me as shes been around me for 18 yrs plus!

Now with this being said, throughout their relationship before marriage, anytime she wanted to have one or two days with her friends he would throw a tantum and she would always retract hanging out with us. ( most of the hanging out might i add is just girls watching movies and doing nails at home) lol NOW that they are married its gotten worse. Even on her bday she begged me to come down and i did and he seemed upset she spent the day with me at the mall doing girls things she wanted to do and planned herself but she came home to him and all his family there so it wasnt like she wasnt with him as well.

Also he has told her that when she wants to come home to see her parents that she cant be doing that very often because she is a married woman now and she needs to be sleeping in her own bed at home with her husband. She has no family where she now currently lives its all his family. Now, iam not married but ive had my bf for 3 years now. We all started dating at the same time. She has called me also before crying and stating that he tells her shes too independent sometimes and that she needs to start consulting him and being respectful in the fact to ask him for advice for everything. I may be wrong but sometimes i have a feeling that he may be a tad bit controlling by the things he says or in how he acts!

The one thing that stuck out at me was that right before they were married one time me and her had a little disagreement for say about 5 minutes and he told me that, "hey just try to get along before the wedding because once we are married i have a say so and can tell her what to do" and ill never forget that! And everytime she wants to make plans to do something with friends he cries and throws guilt trips and she says well he doesn't want me to go he is being a big baby again so i guess ill stay home.. am i wrong to be a little worried about my friend that one day he might exhibit more controlling manners? Im not going to say something to her because if i do i know ill friendship will end BUT at what point can she keep her friendship as well?? I want any comments regarding this and all opinions are welcome! Im wanting advice on this! Please and thank you!!! Help me understand and figure this out if its even something to figure out!!!

----------------
Paragraphs added so people are more likely to read. It is concerning. A couple of points I will make; you only have her version of events and it might well be that she has just got a bit married and settled and is putting the blame on her husband. Essentially, Marc878 might be spot-on and there is nothing to worry about at all.

There is a second possibility too. There is a type of man (people on here annoy me by referring to them as "nice guys") who flaunt their vulnerability to attract women's emotional attachment and sent the message that their emotional life is paramount above all else. There are also plenty of women who go for this schtick. If that is the case, the marriage might well be long and faithful. These types of ego-maniac men often have very long stable marriages.

Or, thirdly, he really is a controlling bellend. In which case, all you can do is remain her friend and not push it until she needs you as a friend.
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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 04:03 AM
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Re: PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

I agree that it's a bit pathetic that he carries on like a pork chop if she wants a girls day, but cruises away and sleepovers are a different thing. She's a married woman - married women don't have sleepovers with their bff's, lol.
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 04:42 AM
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Re: PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melanieturner1 View Post
I have been bestfriends with my friend for 18 plus years..we did everything together and lived right next to each other before she got married! I was thrilled for her when she got engaged! Now, she is married and lives 2 hrs away from me! When its her bday or she wants a "girls day" because frankly we all need one sometimes lol i would drive to go see her and stay in the guest bedroom at her house! She never rarely comes here because if she does or tries, her husband gives her a guilt trip as id like to call it and she calls me to tell me that he is whining about it so she just decides to stay at home. RECENTLY being this is her first marriage, she calls me saying he is driving her nuts and we laugh about it lol but she stated she really wanted to have a girls vacay! She called me saying that she had a week of pto from work and gave me the dates she was able to take off and suggested maybe a weekend to vegas, or a 4 day cruise! She was adament for me to look around for us and was overly excited one day when i called her and told her my boss was able to let me off those same days as well and i gave her some information on prices to las vegas in may. She was very happy and said she would talk to her husband about it to inform him and get back with me, so i said great! The next day, she called me and i asked her about it, she said well, he said its going to be way to hot during that time and he told her that she probably wouldnt like it! so she said check on a cruise. (I thought this was odd) meanwhile 2 days later she text me again stating that i needed to get on the ball because she had to let her boss know within reasonable time so i called that day got a awesome quote on a cruise during the time we both could go! Called her and this time she said she was so excited again, we talked about all the things we could do etc and she asked when would the money be due! 45 min later she sent me a text saying that her husband was not thrilled about her going once again. I asked her why? She said that he wasnt thrilled about her going with me. I asked her what that meant? And he should have no reason to ever have a problem.with her going ANYWHERE with me as shes been around me for 18 yrs plus! Now with this being said, throughout their relationship before marriage, anytime she wanted to have one or two days with her friends he would throw a tantum and she would always retract hanging out with us. ( most of the hanging out might i add is just girls watching movies and doing nails at home) lol NOW that they are married its gotten worse. Even on her bday she begged me to come down and i did and he seemed upset she spent the day with me at the mall doing girls things she wanted to do and planned herself but she came home to him and all his family there so it wasnt like she wasnt with him as well. Also he has told her that when she wants to come home to see her parents that she cant be doing that very often because she is a married woman now and she needs to be sleeping in her own bed at home with her husband. She has no family where she now currently lives its all his family. Now, iam not married but ive had my bf for 3 years now. We all started dating at the same time. She has called me also before crying and stating that he tells her shes too independent sometimes and that she needs to start consulting him and being respectful in the fact to ask him for advice for everything. I may be wrong but sometimes i have a feeling that he may be a tad bit controlling by the things he says or in how he acts! The one thing that stuck out at me was that right before they were married one time me and her had a little disagreement for say about 5 minutes and he told me that, "hey just try to get along before the wedding because once we are married i have a say so and can tell her what to do" and ill never forget that! And everytime she wants to make plans to do something with friends he cries and throws guilt trips and she says well he doesnt want me to go he is being a big baby again so i guess ill stay home.. am i wrong to be a little worried about my friend that one day he might exhibit more controlling manners? Im not going to say something to her because if i do i know ill friendship will end BUT at what point can she keep her friendship as well?? I want any comments regarding this and all opinions are welcome! Im wanting advice on this! Please and thank you!!! Help me understand and figure this out if its even something to figure out!!!
He sounds a wee bit insecure and controlling. He wants all of her attention, it's all about him. When is the last time you saw her in person? Has she had any silly accidents, like walking into an open door? Fallen down a small set of stairs and broken a wrist or arm? You are seeing the top of the iceberg, look deeper-there may be something more going on here.
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 09:48 AM
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Re: PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

This is one of the main aspects of my writings. Control goes FAR beyond expressed control, but implied as well. So just what is control? Control is using measures to manipulate others to your will. There are a lot of interesting aspects to it, which makes it so difficult to diagnose and difficult to combat. Although, combating it is simple, it just takes a lot of energy to remain composed.

1. He is the victim here. No question about it. I say that tongue in cheek, of course, but it is something that must be said. Who is a victim? A victim is one that feels victimized. To combat this problem (it is a problem) we have to throw out logic, reason and rationality.
2. Emotions are usually used as tools, like a hammer. He feels justified, but there is a lot of selfish undertones that causes him to act on all of this behavior. He puts on an emotional display to get her to back away from her desires.
3. Giving in. If you feed the bad behavior, it only persists. I am not saying to do battle with him.

So what do you do? You validate him verbally. You let him know that:

-I see that you are upset,
-You don't want me to go,
-Why do you feel that way?
-I understand,
-Why shouldn't I go to see my friend?

What you want your friend to do is have him talk. You want her husband to make his emotional game an expressed one. That implies responsibility on his part, something he is avoiding. The more he elaborates, the weaker his position is. It is possible for him to become angry when his game does not work. It is critical that no one gives in to the anger, either.

Your friend then makes it known that she still wants to go. However, there can be no explaining her behavior. It needs no explanation. Her responses need to be quick and to the point (fact only). If she makes a long-winded explanation, she is inviting him to argue with her.

The hard part of all of this is doing it without giving negativity. But that is what makes it more powerful. Sadness and anger are not signs of strength, they are signs of weakness. That is because it weakens the perception that others have of you - especially those that know better. If one can maintain clarity in thought, then they can master any situation.

Hope that helps.
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: Help! Is friends husband controlling?

Maybe he is controlling but really that THEIR issue. Yes, it effects your friendship and you will have to either learn to work around it or move on.

I would tell her how you are concerned (in a loving way).....just hear her out.

There isn't much for you to do other than to be a friend.
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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 09:19 PM
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Re: PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

He has managed to dominate her completely in this marriage because she lets him. If she stood up for herself, he would either get used to it or get out, either way, that's what should've happened. Instead, she's turned into a child, reliant on hubby's permission to do anything. I bet she is a pathetic shell of the person she used to be, and that's sad.

There's no point in trying to change their dynamic from the outside. You can only support her when she needs support, but in all honesty, I don't think that enabling her is helping her either. If she calls you all excited about a girl's holiday, tell her you're free on these dates and she should organise and make the booking and let you know, because otherwise, she's just wasting your time. Treat her like she is solely accountable for her choices, and solely responsible. Don't let her give you these BS excuses about him stopping her from doing this or that. Be straight up with her when she cancels, tell her she is responsible for her own actions and choices.

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"Getting the Love You Want" by H. Hendrix
"His Needs, Her Needs" by W. Harley
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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-01-2016, 09:31 PM
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Re: PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

Your friend needs to grow up and her husband needs to let her have some hours break with friends. It is not appropriate for married women to spend nights away from their husbands to have this "vacay". Vacation time should be spent with the spouse.

From your post, I sense that you want to continue your closeness to your friend, just like before she got married. This includes planning events that exclude her husband. You need to respect your friend's husband. If you continue to cater to your friend's whining and planning to get away from her husband, you will be viewed as a hostile party. Put boundaries in your friendship.
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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 01:22 AM
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Re: PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

I have merged your three threads into this one. You will get better input with only one thread on a topic. Plus, one thread on a topic is a forum rule.

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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 01:23 AM
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Re: PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

Your husband is a controlling, manipulative creepy, dangerous man. We've told you this a gazillion times.

Leave him. It's the only good advice anyone can give you.
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 02:16 AM
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Re: PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

Are you a man or woman?

Kind of confusing?

If you are a man, wth are you doing??????

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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 02:31 AM
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Agree.

Sounds like wanting a single life while married.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
He is her husband. You're not.

My wife is going nowhere alone with a male friend. Nor do I go out with female friends.

It's called boundaries.

It sounds like she was not ready for marriage. You're not in high school anymore.
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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 02:39 AM
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My guess it's the latter you describe. Going on cruises sans hubby is not typical.

And my guess is hubby has a problem with OP because things go beyond a girls day of hanging out.

All the long term couples I know do the vast majority of things together and are a pair.


Quote:
Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
I agree that it's a bit pathetic that he carries on like a pork chop if she wants a girls day, but cruises away and sleepovers are a different thing. She's a married woman - married women don't have sleepovers with their bff's, lol.
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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 02:44 AM
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Re: PLEASE HELP! Is friends husband controllin???

The OP is called Melanie Turner and wants a girls day out with her best friend and people are wondering if she is a girl ?!?!?

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No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
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