Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making da** sure we are compatible before we marry ....as this can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows....
What I will teach all of my children in how to choose a partner for life....this is my personal list so far... 1. Don't have sex too soon
, it can create a bonding too fast, too soon (even a surprise pregnancy) where other important things are missed, overlooked. Hormones take over & common sense is LOST. TAKE TIME, get to know THE WHOLE PERSON, do things together, go places, make sure you genuinelly LIKE them, RESPECT them , and they should be on par as a BEST FRIEND before you take them to bed -if it can be helped of coare. A little romance is good ! 2
. KNOW YOURSELF & KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM LIFE
, your hopes, your dreams. Have a vision, Be sure this BF or GF can fit into this, wants the same things, will be a "helpmate" in these same dreams. Are you both old fashioned in our views, traditional marraige type thing or agree both parents need to work, more modern. 3
. HAVE SIMILAR BELIEFS
and morals, so you will not spend the majority of your life judging the other and irratating them to anger over doctrine, etc. 4. COMMUNICATION
- -know how to resolve conflict !! When I hear of couples who have been going out a few months, they think they have found "the one" sometimes I ask , did you have your 1st fight yet ? Until you have a few of those, you simply do not know each other well.
Every marraige will struggle if communication is not used effectively. If one is a Silent Treatment player, this has to be nipped in the butt. Be a listener as well as an effective communicator of your needs. Be open, honest in all things, undertanding & forgiving when it is called for . Excellent article here : Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE And NO secrets
. I have found this keeps us accountable to our spouses. 5
. Do you agree on how to spend MONEY ?
This is the #2 reason for Divorce. Don't think one will change, the habits you see in dating are likely habits for life. Know what you are marrying, a spender who will need HIGH cash volumes for happiness or a Saver who can relax a little , put his feet down some & still get his bills paid. 6. SEX
! Compatability is very important here - especially IF YOU LOVE SEX ! Many women's drives can take a dive after marraige & kids, knowing if she is a PLEASER by nature will be very helpful , if she can orgasm, does she feel passionate desire ? A ton of talking needs to be done here --what one expects in marraige & what is agreed upon -how to handle the dry spells ect. Even enjoyment of a little PORN should be openly discussed- so no surprises later & hurt feelings. And always keep the sex Spicey, buy a game, get a book, keep learning. It may be less than 10% of the marraige, but when it is lacking, it may feel like 90% of the problems. 7. Kids
, how many , how to discipline them. Important ! 8
. Sexual attraction
, never underestimate it, it is often the glue. A plan to keep the pounds off -if this is important to one partner, it IS for BOTH. 9
. Do you genuinely ENJOY each other
, crave to be with the other, laugh together ALOT, love getting away alone. Are you both Home buddies or both more the party type? Being similar can be very helpful here. 10
. LOVE LANGUAGES
- since we are ALL sefish, we should try to marry someone who closely matches our same love languages in a similar order. As we generally GIVE what we want to RECIEVE -unless we are just plain lazy. What R You & Spouse's Love Languages & How does this affect your Marraige?
one more - 11
. Know yours & your partners Inborn Temperments
so you can understand them , how they think, why they react the way they do - this helps us know their strenghts -as well as their weaknesses. Learning our Temperments & that of our Spouses to better understand them..
These are the things I will teach my children so they will marry well. I didn't know all of this when I married my husband, I think we just got LUCKY - but we have all of this going on and it has, for the most part, been a breeze.