Sad husband needs advice
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Old 10-05-2011, 12:30 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Sad husband needs advice

Hello, I am new to this forum and I thank you all for looking at my question... For about 10 months me and my wife have been separated. We now live about ten minutes away from each other and see each other all the time, and are generally ok, but there seems to be humps that we can just NOT get over. My wife comes from a long line of hate and bad relationships with her mother and a psychically abusive father. He later dies in a car accident while high on methamphetamine's and drunk...on Christmas day. early on in our relationship, I always found it easier to say I'm sorry than argue just to be right because there were plenty of times I WAS wrong, but also plenty of other times I said I am sorry when I was convicted I was right. We married young at 21/20 and had a baby around the same time. So far we have gone about 6 years. Sometimes things will go well for a very long time and we will be happy and lovey and exactly what makes me feel good about myself. But then, out of nowhere, there are arguments about something... anything that is the issue at the time. Every argument seems to build on the other and all that stuff I said I was sorry about, well there it comes again. The arguments are vicious and hate filled, and make me feel like crud. I ALWAYS end up saying I am sorry and she rarely does. I am just tired of the fighting but I love her with all my heart, she is the most supportive and beautiful person I know, but it just seems like small things keep us from making the genuine connection we need to fix things. Last night, it happened again...in five minutes a perfectly good night was destroyed. I am sure some if not all was my fault, but I feel like she runs me over and gives no regard for my opinion... what should I do? Thanks in advance for answering.
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Old 10-05-2011, 02:30 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sad husband needs advice

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Originally Posted by laslos37 View Post
Last night, it happened again...in five minutes a perfectly good night was destroyed. I am sure some if not all was my fault, but I feel like she runs me over and gives no regard for my opinion... what should I do? Thanks in advance for answering.
The exact same thing happened to me last night. Doing nothing, blaming yourself and letting it all go only contributes to the problem. You need to safely and lovingly express your feelings to your wife. Apologize for your part and ask her to apologize for her part. Try to get an agreement for both of you to avoid doing (whatever it was) in the future. It is best to do this on the same day as the incident. If that is not possible, sometime in the next 24 hours is OK. After that is too late.
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Old 10-05-2011, 02:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sad husband needs advice

Stop saying sorry all the time. It's not very assertive and when you get in that habit, you start thinking you are more at fault than you really are.

If she is being unreasonable, call her on it.

Go to the Men's Clubhouse and read the stuff on manning up and fitness tests.

It sounds to me like her childhood memories are of two parents she does not respect. Now you come along, mindlessly apologizing for things that aren't true and aren't your fault, and she is losing/has lost respect for you too.

Also consider that her role models growing up were abusive parents. She could very well feel comfortable, happy, and lovey when she is abusive to you. Not because she hates you, but that's what she knows.
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Old 10-05-2011, 02:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sad husband needs advice

Unresolved issues never go away. Arguments are not a way of resolving issues. Thus arguments will continue to build upon each other. Resentments also build and build. You resent the fact you have to be the one to apologize for everything, and it has begun to eat at you and the relationship. Neither of you know how to communicate effectively, thus are unable to convey your true needs or wants. Instead of expressing the truth inside you, you both find something petty to lash out on because your needs and wants are not being met. Is this sounding familiar?

Quit apologizing. Saying sorry means “I did not mean to do this, and I will not do this again” It does not mean ” Im sorry you got mad, and I want to shut you up for a little while”

Relationships can seem like work to some people. And yes I guess it is. But think of this… a master craftsman does not feel they are working when they are creating their craft. It brings them enjoyment to focus on the details that creates whatever it is they love. A relationship is much the same. This is why it is called a labor of love.

Fix the way you think about things.
Change the way you communicate your needs, wants, and desires.
Commit to resolve issues and not let them manifest into explosive and toxic arguments.
Stand up for yourself and respect yourself.
Respect your partner, and consider their needs, wants, and desires
Allow yourself to be happy when there are things to be happy about – and you will begin to experience more happy times

No one respects someone who allows people to walk all over them. If you want your wife to respect you, then stop being a weenie.
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Old 10-05-2011, 03:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Unresolved issues never go away. Arguments are not a way of resolving issues. Thus arguments will continue to build upon each other. Resentments also build and build. You resent the fact you have to be the one to apologize for everything, and it has begun to eat at you and the relationship. Neither of you know how to communicate effectively, thus are unable to convey your true needs or wants. Instead of expressing the truth inside you, you both find something petty to lash out on because your needs and wants are not being met. Is this sounding familiar?

Quit apologizing. Saying sorry means “I did not mean to do this, and I will not do this again” It does not mean ” Im sorry you got mad, and I want to shut you up for a little while”

Relationships can seem like work to some people. And yes I guess it is. But think of this… a master craftsman does not feel they are working when they are creating their craft. It brings them enjoyment to focus on the details that creates whatever it is they love. A relationship is much the same. This is why it is called a labor of love.

Fix the way you think about things.
Change the way you communicate your needs, wants, and desires.
Commit to resolve issues and not let them manifest into explosive and toxic arguments.
Stand up for yourself and respect yourself.
Respect your partner, and consider their needs, wants, and desires
Allow yourself to be happy when there are things to be happy about – and you will begin to experience more happy times

No one respects someone who allows people to walk all over them. If you want your wife to respect you, then stop being a weenie.
I needed to hear this myself. Thanks
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Old 10-05-2011, 03:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sad husband needs advice

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Originally Posted by Romance and More View Post
Unresolved issues never go away. Arguments are not a way of resolving issues. Thus arguments will continue to build upon each other. Resentments also build and build. You resent the fact you have to be the one to apologize for everything, and it has begun to eat at you and the relationship. Neither of you know how to communicate effectively, thus are unable to convey your true needs or wants. Instead of expressing the truth inside you, you both find something petty to lash out on because your needs and wants are not being met. Is this sounding familiar?

Quit apologizing. Saying sorry means “I did not mean to do this, and I will not do this again” It does not mean ” Im sorry you got mad, and I want to shut you up for a little while”

Relationships can seem like work to some people. And yes I guess it is. But think of this… a master craftsman does not feel they are working when they are creating their craft. It brings them enjoyment to focus on the details that creates whatever it is they love. A relationship is much the same. This is why it is called a labor of love.

Fix the way you think about things.
Change the way you communicate your needs, wants, and desires.
Commit to resolve issues and not let them manifest into explosive and toxic arguments.
Stand up for yourself and respect yourself.
Respect your partner, and consider their needs, wants, and desires
Allow yourself to be happy when there are things to be happy about – and you will begin to experience more happy times

No one respects someone who allows people to walk all over them. If you want your wife to respect you, then stop being a weenie.
Excellent advice!

I would only add that when I found my marriage in this situation, I had to take the lead.

When a situation came up, I had to first not allow myself to get into an argumentive state. Second, I had to teach my wife that I would not allow her to either. A simple statement "I will not be spoken to in a negative manner, I will not speak to you in a negative manner, when we can discuss this calmly and deal with the specific issue at hand, we can continue this discussion." Walk away and leave it alone until you can each do so. Expect to do this a thousand times, expect resistance and setbacks, but if you are persistant, eventually you form new patterns.

Hope that helps,

RDJ
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Old 10-05-2011, 03:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sad husband needs advice

Thanks guys, there is a lot of really good advice here... @romance and more, your are right. I WAS looking at it as work. I have gained a fresh perspective and I thank you for that. Ya'll are awesome!
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Old 10-05-2011, 06:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sad husband needs advice

You and your wife need to communicate. My husband and I have been drifting apart for the last few years after almost 15 years of being together. We rarely talk and when we do fight it is hate filled and vicious as you mentioned. We are now both using this site to learn how other relationships are suffering and healing and let me tell you thank god! It is helping us everyday. Maybe suggest it to her and get her involved with some of the discussions. Sometimes hearing stories and advice from strangers helps in an amazing way since there is no bias. Best of luck!
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