Husband construes everything as critical???

October2011 · 10-07-2011, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ten_year_hubby

Delivery tone and body language also play a part here. Something is triggering a return to childhood feelings and their childhood response. Parents that were detached or not present either physically or emotionally can be a factor. An adopted child may have had infant attachment problems and may have received less emotional warmth from their adoptive parents.

I could certainly check my tone and body language when talking with him.

There are clearly some personality issues and he does admit to having a difficult personality, both him and his brother, and knows it creates problems in his life for him. I've been trying to drag him into therapy for years and he knows he needs that too. I'm up for all attempts at having more clear communication and a brighter outlook.

Prodigal · 10-07-2011, 05:46 PM

Your husband suffered awful trauma during his childhood; he has brought it with him into adulthood. He sounds so wounded, that it becomes challenging for you have to think through how you word requests or responses.

So, how was he prior to marriage? Did you see indications of this while dating/engaged? How long did you two date before marrying?

I grew up with a mother who was mentally unstable (to say the least) and a mostly-absentee, indifferent father. I reacted differently than your husband, but it colored my life choices in partners, friends, career choices, etc., for years. And the choices I made were pretty sucky.

Have you considered IC in order to work on how you phrase things to him and also how you can get him into counseling? I'm sure if you suggested counseling at this point, he would say something along the lines of, "So you think I'm nuts, huh?!?"

October2011 · 10-07-2011, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prodigal

So, how was he prior to marriage? Did you see indications of this while dating/engaged? How long did you two date before marrying?

We dated for several years. While we were dating SO was a practicing buddhist and spent a lot of time meditating and was overall very compassionate and very mellow. His personality went pretty far astray once he stopped his daily practice. In retrospect I think it did a lot of good for him. Thank you for reminding me.

He had 2 very poor choices in spouses before me. The first was clearly after his family's money by proxy and he was married to this woman. The second, not married, mentally very unstable herself. Both were women suffering needing daily care-taking from him for real or perceived medical issues. So he was with women who needed basically the same care he was raised providing his mother.

I'm sorry about what you went through as a child.