All right, lots of responses, general view seems to be "if it works for you, go with it" which is my gut feeling anyway. I have just read so many times about how women shouldn't let themselves turn into a doormat (and that word being used as an insult), etc. that_girl
She turned to me ( I was 13) and said, Someday you'll find someone that you WANT to do these things for...
I didn't believe her. Well, I didn't believe her until I met my husband. Now, I "get" it.
This describes how I feel too. I never wanted to act like this with anyone else. My parents are sort of like this but I think more out of habit and their particular personalities than anything else. They're not very affectionate, but my mom does pretty much everything for my dad. lovesherman
But your gut is telling you that you need to dial back the obsequious behavior, so I would make a conscious effort to cool things off a bit. It will feel awkward at first, but after a few weeks it will become second nature.
My gut isn't telling me to dial it back, it's more of an intellectual curiosity thing for me. My gut is telling me that this is how we are as a couple, and it feels right to me, but after a lot of reading, I started feeling insecure about whether I might be "suffocating" him (clinginess, demonstrative of affection) and thus pushing him away - so I asked him, and he said "no" - but then I wanted to see what others thought. I think if he had said, "well, maybe a little..." I would have been shattered
For instance, if my husband got sick, I would do the whole chicken soup thing too, sure, all that other stuff you mentioned probably wouldn't even enter my mind (tucking him in, jumping at his every request) but I could see me laying there with him, after he's done with that soup, touching him all over, massaging him, even maybe leading to a BJ, just to take his mind off of his aching back, sore throat, whatever it is, using pleasure for my aimed "affection". Nothing motherly about that!
I like the way you think!
There is plenty of that too... but I wasn't too worried that I was "overdoing" that side of things, since I haven't read too many threads on TAM starting "my wife gives me too many BJs, how can I get her to stop." :P Your post is right on with my experience too, on the sexual side of things! mr.rightaway
Do not do this if it's just to play games/get a reaction/engineer a response. You say you enjoy this dynamic and he says he enjoys it as well. It is this pervasive advice over the past years/decades that, in my opinion, damages relationships more than it helps.
That was my immediate thought when I read that too - I am very proud of the fact that we have a completely game-free marriage (and relationship before that). I love things as they are and he says he does too, so I'm going to go with what works. Everything I do comes naturally and is just me expressing how I feel, I'd rather not suppress my feelings AND deny him something he enjoys, unless he really honestly doesn't enjoy it. PBear
Personally, I thought it was borderline offensive to watch my dad hold out his coffee cup, and my mom to come running to fill it.
This was probably the sentence on this thread that made me think the hardest! It made me realize that I don't actually act like that in front of other people. When we're in public, or have people over, I'm much more "normal." I'll ask him to help me bring in the dishes, or whatever. And I tend to brag to my friends that he cleans the bathroom, takes out the trash, does the floors, and all the "deep" cleaning (this is true, by the way). We don't have children and aren't planning to, but I think if we did have children, I probably wouldn't do it in front of them either - which would mean really restricting the way we interact, since children are around a lot of the time! And to be honest, not changing the dynamic of our marriage is the #1 reason we decided not to have children - but you're definitely right. There's a very strong sense that you just don't do things like that in front of other people, much less children who are paying attention and developing ideas about how adult men/women interact.
As far as too affectionate physically, I got nothing. Both of us are apparently touchy-feely people, and are in pretty constant contact when we're in the same room. It doesn't seem possible to be too affectionate that way. But that's me (and her)... To someone who isn't on the same physical wavelength, it would likely drive them bonkers.
It was important to me to be with someone who was on the save 'physical wavelength' (I like that phrase!) as me - not like I interviewed people, but I didn't feel a strong attraction to people who weren't like that. My husband, from the beginning, was very physical, and it was definitely a huge turn-on for both of us that we were both like that. We did the Love Languages test later (both of us) and we scored almost identically, which was kind of cool but just confirmed what we already understood without having seen it in writing.