Is my Wife Codependent?
I have been reading several articles on Codependency and I am more confused than ever.
I bring a lot of destructive baggage into the relationship, but Im more than capable of making myself aware of the issues and self monitoring. I have seen progress, and will continue forward constructively. That’s why I joined here. But my issues can wait for another thread.
Id like to speak a little bit about my wife, and hopefully gain some insight as to the why’s and how to correct this type of behaviour.
Up front: We have discussed IC/MC and will pursue when our financial issues subside. Until then (and afterwards) I will rely on the vast knowledge that is TAM.
My wife thinks that I should be her main source of happiness, and vice versa. Those are her paraphrased words.
Im not sure if she has an odd sence of gender roles, but often times she tells me to “do this” or “do that” because Im the man of the house. A great example: If she comes to bed after me, she will “ask” me to get out of bed and turn off all the lights in the house, because “Im the man”.
This doesn’t jive with me. Im of a mind that if you can do something for yourself, do it. Don’t rely on others. It would have been easier than wiping your ass to flick the switches as she walked past them!!!
She will call me two-three times per day when Im at work just to say, "Hi, I was thinking about you, and just wanted to say I love you."
This would be fine with me if it wasnt 10 times per week. Once in a blue moon would have much more meaning behind it.
She used to make plans for me. Her friend needs help moving, she will offer our services without consulting me. Most recently I was 15 minutes late leaving work, and by the time I got home she was having a freak out. She was upset because we were supposed to be at her friends house right now, and I didn’t call to let her know I was going to be late. I didn’t know I had plans to be late for.
I got angry. I told her very sternly that she knows I sometimes leave work late, and it has never been an issue in the past. This is also the first time I told her never to make plans for me ever again without consulting me, because I feel like she is trying to control me. She did apologize and hasn’t attempted to force me into anything since.
Another issue is TV time, or as my wife likes to refer it: Quality time. This comprises of me half heartily snuggling up with her, staring at the wall while she watches the Slice and TLC channels. The two most non-male-friendly networks we have access too. She would even get upset when Id reach for a book, because when I read, snuggled up beside her, Im absorbed by something other than her.
This behaviour mostly stopped somewhere in the middle of reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Again, I got angry and told her she can have me to snuggle with while she watches her show, or I will plain leave the room. The compromise is that I get to read… while trying to drown out the drama.
Sex... This is kind of a sexless marriage, but I understand the reason for it: Im emotionally disconnected from just about everything. I dont bring this paragraph up to discuss the lack of sex in the marriage, but to showcase my wifes behaviour.
I came across an article called His Needs, Her Needs. I thought it was bang on so I showed it to her. She took note of Man Need #1: Sex.
Ive told her countless times sex is more than just getting off. I use Palmella Anderson for that. I want her for intimacy and erotiscism. She fired back that sex doesnt do it for her, and she wants to know I have been thinking about her over the course of my day. Flowers, a card would do the trick. I dont like the idea of having to "buy" sex from my wife. She says its not a transaction, If I need sex to be happy in marriage than she wants stuff. Personally, even though I understand her POV, I dont agree. Sex shouldnt be a one sided want.
I think this post showcases some of my poor behaviour. I do stand up for myself now, as opposed to the doormat I used to be, but I do so too aggressively. I am capable of maintaining a calm/ neutral demeanor some of the time, and I can maintain the state of mind during a lot of our bickering now. That’s progress, and its my best effort.
Im going to stop here because this is turning into a rant, and I don’t want to give the impression that Im just picking on my wife. I want to "fix" the relationship, but not in the way that nice guys try to fix things. That avenue did not fare me well.
Last edited by Triumph; 10-10-2011 at 12:03 PM.