Wife wears clothing that is too revealing
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

My wife is very small chested and she wears a bra to try to hide this fact. However, with many of the shirts she wears recently, all she need do is bend over slightly, or move her arm a certain way, and there is nothing left to wonder, you can see everything. I have issues with this and have tried to talk to her about it repeatedly. Every time I try to talk to her about this, she reacts badly and says things like, "I could understand your being upset if I had anything to show" or "I don't like feeling like I am being told what to wear.", and the one that irritates me most, "you should trust that if some guy tries to pick up on me I will walk away." I am not trying to dictate what my wife wears. I am not afraid that some guy is going to see her chest and try to run off with her. I try to be very open and honest with my wife and talk to her about my feelings. I know I have issues, however I try to be honest and open with myself and my wife, no matter how painful, so that we are not hurt by jealousy, insecurity, or any other issues. I work on this daily and I talk to my wife whenever I have a problem with something. I let her know how I feel and I absolutely do not try to dictate her life. I do not feel that my wife has been unfaithful and do not feel she will be. A couple of weeks ago, she bought another of those shirts and when she came home from work, I noticed it wasn't hiding anything. I did not say anything to her, however, she caught my look and the next day, when she came home from work, she showed some kind of fabric that is designed to clip to her bra strap and act like a t-shirt that she bought while on her lunch break. I was elated!!!! She did not do this because of a fight or argument. She did not do this at my request or because she had to. She did it because she finally understood that it hurt me that she continued to wear the style shirts that she has been wearing. She finally got it and found a way to compromise. Only, she has not once worn one of those fabrics since. She still wears the shirts, but no effort to wear the fabric. Late last week, she again wore one of the shirts without the fabric, and when she was ready to leave for work, she came into the living room where I was drinking a cup of coffee and though I did not say a word, because a look apparently flashed across my face, she snapped on me. We had an argument and she accused me of trying to tell her how to dress, of not trusting her, etc. She stormed off to work and when she came home, she tried to act as if everything was normal. This argument had a very bad impact on me and I have not been able to get it out of my head. I know it is wrong to try to dictate her life to her. I know that she is entitled to live her life however she sees fit. However, she knows this bothers me, she knows that when she bought those clip on things that it made me happy. Then she chose not to actually wear them, and then when I had the audacity to actually be bothered by these facts and have a thought, snap on me. I can't stop thinking that now I am the one being controlled. I can't help feeling that I am the one being told, do it my way or it is the highway. I have been mulling all of this over in my head for a few days and yesterday she asked me what was on my mind. It had been a few days, but I was still angry and hurt and did not feel like I could talk to her right then, I need more time to sort out my thoughts so I could be rational and make sense. She kept pushing me and got angry, and knowing me the way she does, pushed all of the right buttons and I unloaded on her. I told her how she made me feel by continually discounting my feelings and on and on. She of course reacted badly and we had a fight like we have not had in years. It got so bad that I told her I wanted a divorce, and though I do not and don't know why the h3ll I said it, I did. I apologized to her for my reaction to her reaction, however I told her I could not apologize for my feelings. We talked for a while and though the hurt is going to be there for a while I am sure, I think the result of the argument will pass. It is very clear to me, however, that she still does not understand where I am coming from and will not as she sees this as my problem, not hers. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make her understand, or should I just walk away. I love my wife and we have children. However, the few times we have had a major hurdle, I have conceded and found a way to cope with whatever that hurdle was- usually because I accepted that I am reacting badly to something, not the other way around. However, I can not and will not continue this way.
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Old 10-11-2011, 10:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

Let her choose the clothes she wants to wear... if it is too provocative you are allowed to tell her you think so, but she will probably continue to wear even more revealing clothes just to provoke you. If it makes her feel sexy then let her do it and reap the rewards.
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Old 10-11-2011, 11:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

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Originally Posted by Lon View Post
Let her choose the clothes she wants to wear... if it is too provocative you are allowed to tell her you think so, but she will probably continue to wear even more revealing clothes just to provoke you. If it makes her feel sexy then let her do it and reap the rewards.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

So much of this depends, in my opinion, on what the two of you intended for the purpose of your marraige to be. For example, saying that "I know she has a right to live her life the way she chooses," doesn't work in my marriage, for either one of us. We parked those rights at the door when we go married. I can't just up and move across the country without her support. We both agreed not to intentionally offend each other.

What did the two of you intend for your marriage boundaries to include?

My wife's sister sounds just like your wife. She's small upstairs, and reveals more than some people are comfortable with. Let's just leave it at saying that nothing is left to the imagination. If its summer, even downstairs, considering that I never knew that those things could legally be called panties if they don't cover ... you know. My wife said that it was her right to dress how she wanted. They visited, and my wife asked me to frame a few pictures of their visit. Guess which ones I printed out? Problem solved. An 8 X 10 boob shot did the trick.

My point? I don't think my wife, or her sis even realized what was being revealed. They were more focused on the clothes. I'd suggest that you take a step back and make sure that she is really revealing too much, and if so, just be descriptive of what is actually revealed in reasonable situations. May be that you see her in situations that would never even occur at work, anyway. Then leave it up to her. If she knows that too much is revealed, and is okay with it anyway, then that tells you a lot. Its also likely, though, that she thinks you are just being over-protective.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

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Guess which ones I printed out? Problem solved. An 8 X 10 boob shot did the trick.
ha! Yeah that may bring the point home alright - if she is uncomfortable with what she sees in a photo of her "cleavage" then imagine what it would look like in a super high-def, 3D full length video clip (ie real life)

But if she is aware of her appearance, then I stand by my first point - what I've heard from most women is that they know EXACTLY what they choose to wear and everything they put on be it clothes, makeup or accessories is intentional.
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Old 10-11-2011, 12:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

What exactly is it that bothers you about her revealing her body like this?

From what you describe it's not entirely clear what is being revealed or the context it's being revealed in. It sounds like just her bra is exposed?

Regardless, I think you can deal with this issue in at least two different ways:

1) Recognize why you are uncomfortable and resolve it. Maybe you grew up in a less free culture and associate her exposure with negative concepts. Maybe you don't find what she is exposing attractive and feel like she is embarrassing herself. Maybe you feel like she is just doing this to draw inappropriate attention from men. Whatever the source of your discomfort, if you overcome it her behavior will stop being a problem.

2) Stop telling her what to do and start working on getting her to actually want to do what you want. You are trying to impose your will on her so she is resisting, even if you succeed she will resent you for it because she is being forced to choose against her will. You need her to want to stop wearing revealing clothing, which means you need her to understand why it bothers you so she can share your discomfort.
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Old 10-11-2011, 01:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

My guess is that you feel hurt that you feel disrespected about this. You feel protective in the fact that you don't want people to look at your wife as ****ty.

She is not going to change - obviously, so it's up to you to change. Do you set boundaries "Honey, dress how you want, but I will not be seen in public with you that way." Will you offer to take her shopping to pick out some clothing that you would both feel happy with, in exchange for her giving up the "offensive" clothes? You have choices. What will you do?
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Old 10-11-2011, 02:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

Pick up some of those white linnen pants, like the ones you would wear on the beach. And go out in it with no underwear on. See what she has to say...

Also, maybe you could explain to her, that it is not that you dont want her to feel and look sexy, but that she can look sexy without exposing her nipples to everyone around her. Leaving things to the imagination is sexy and alluring, exposing all is not so sexy.
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Old 10-11-2011, 02:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

Maybe she has trouble finding tops that fit properly. If her chest is small, chances are her arms and shoulders are small, too. It can be difficult to find tops that fit and stay in place. Sometimes you put one on, look in the mirror and it's fine. The problems start when you actually start moving around. It's frustrating to leave the house and discover your top has to be constantly adjusted or held in place if you bend over. I wear tank tops and camis under some of my tops because of this problem. I have better luck with petite clothing. The arm holes are smaller and they are cut for smaller shoulders. It's either that or tailoring regular size ones, which is pretty simple, sometimes. A lot of the time, not. Oh. And I hate those things faux camis that attach to your bra. They feel awkward to me.
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Old 10-11-2011, 03:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

I've pointed it out to the wife in public.

Ummm, honey, you trying to give a peep show or something?

Most of the time she just brushes it off but once in a while she gets testy. Also I would never do it if the kids or other kids are around, only when there are adults around and she bends over to do something.

Comon, I'm a guy and I know for a fact that other guys are looking, so I point it out. BTW when you do say that, you can't believe how many guys heads turn all of a sudden in the opposite direction of my wife,

My wife is also has a small chest but I'm pretty secure in other guys checking out my wife, doesn't bother me at all.
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Old 10-11-2011, 03:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

I am tiny-chested, but not otherwise small, and finding clothes that aren't t-shirts or button up collars that don't flash people when I bend over is next to impossible. Some junior sized shirts work. V-necks are impossible. I'm long in the torso so petite things are too short. Maybe what she needs is a female relative to point out the problem--or if she'd look in the mirror when she bends over sometime . . . would she go for custom tailored clothes? A good seamstress instead of off-the-rack could easily solve this problem. My mother pointed out to me, when it became obvious that I'd pretty much inherited her figure, what I'd have to look out for.
Ren, if I bend over in something loose at the top, or a v-neck, you'd see everything down to my waistband. If this gal's constructed along the same lines I am, if nothing else that sort of exposure is unprofessional.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

that she still does not understand where I am coming from and will not as she sees this as my problem, not hers

It IS your problem. You are the only one who has a problem with it. Maybe if you let it go it will solve itself some way anyway. Or, you can just tell her.... "I hate those tops on you, they hide nothing and I'm embarrassed when you wear them. I won't say anything else about it, I am not going to argue about it, but if I make a face... so be it." Period.

My ex judged ALL my clothes, all the time... nothing I hate more than "Is THAT what you're wearing?" It's button pushing after a while. My current husband tells me I look great no matter what I wear.... personally, I think he's blind, but it sure it great to hear it!!!
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:14 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

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What exactly is it that bothers you about her revealing her body like this?

From what you describe it's not entirely clear what is being revealed or the context it's being revealed in. It sounds like just her bra is exposed?
I can tell that you're not a boob lover

A smaller woman with a bra that isn't super tight will reveal it all if she bends forwards. A good pig like myself will spot the fit from across the room and be in the position to see it when she does
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:59 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

Could not make it through the mega paragraph.

This seems like a boundary issue to me. What a person wears under what circumstances and with whom around them matters as much as anything else.

For me if my wife was wearing things that I objected to this would be a serious issue. As serious as any other boundary issue. It comes down to defining and agreeing to the boundaries.

Clothing has a whole gradient to it. At one end we have the burqa and the other a woman who dresses like a street wh0re.
I won't defend the idiot who oppresses his wife. Likewise I would not say that a wife can dress however ****ty she wants either. We are talking about the context of marriage.

I enjoy my wife looking especially sexy when we go out. In general when she is not with me she dresses more conservatively. One can still be sexy and not be an exhibitionist. However, if one is into exposing themselves in an exhibitionist manner and that crosses a boundary for the spouse then this is a major problem for any number of reasons.

It comes down to respect. Whether a husband is trying to protect ( like this is a bad thing ) his wife or not really does not matter. If a woman is dressing in a ****ty manner she is putting herself out there. Matters not her attitude that she would never act on this. That is disrespectful. She is drawing undo attention on herself in a sexually provacative way to get the attention of other men. Matters not that she claims she dresses for herself and her friends. Doing so against the wishes of her spouse is being unfaithful. If she goes sans bra or panties and flashes others, just saying trust me no one is going to steal me away that is just absurd.

This is of course fairly subjective. Hopefully couples are compatible enough that they can work out such boundaries. Some couples are fine with the wife entering wet t-shirt contests.
I would not put up with my wife walking around our home in her sheer night gown with visitors in the house for example. Even if she was ok with it. It's not ok with me and guess what? In my marriage it matters because both my wife and I matter to each other.

Boundaries. Discuss, define and agree on them. If there is a fundamental impasse then maybe you should not be married to one another because it will eventually explode in a very painful way with this or some other issue.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 10-12-2011 at 01:13 AM.
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Old 10-12-2011, 01:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife wears clothing that is too revealing

good advice.
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