***i just don't feel loved by him***
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default ***i just don't feel loved by him***

Hi...i'm new tonight...and desperately need others opinions/help with my relationship.

i've been in a relationship with my fella for 14 months...i love him dearly....and he says he does me......we've had lots of ups and downs....too many to mention (i'm sure you'd all get bored)....but now i am left feeling completely unloved....he works away most of the time...has many other demands on his time...his children and family (brother, mum and dad)...as well as the demands of his job and i just don't feel special or loved........

i've tried to explain to him that i need to feel as though i'm his priority but he has told me tonight that he sees me in an equal capacity as his 'family'........and he is constantly putting their needs above mine.....

i've explained to him what i need to make me happy but he says he won't put me above his family......and basically i have to 'fit in'.........


he just doesn't seem to understand that for me i need to be his main priority....his 'partner'...part of a team.........

i'm at the end of my tether.....i just don't know what more i can do to make him understand......he's said tonight that he can't put me above his family.....and this is making me miserable........how can i love someone who doesn't meet my needs and is making me unhappy?.....

he's refused to go to relationship counselling as it didn't work out when he had it in his marriage......should i end the relationship even though i still love him .....and try and find the right someone who makes me feel happy and special?


thanks everyone
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: ***i just don't feel loved by him***

I don't think it's wrong or excessive to put one's family before one's girlfriend. You aren't his wife, correct? If you were, that would be different. But you say he has children? I consider it relatively normal that he would put them before you.

If you can't handle this dynamic, he probably isn't the one for you. Trying to change this will probably be very painful and frustrating for you, and probably ultimately unsuccessful.

I'm sorry to say this but I think that you may have unreasonable expectations - maybe you would do better in future relationships with men who are not fathers.
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: ***i just don't feel loved by him***

What sort of relationship do you have with him and in what way does he place his family above you? I have kids. They are non-negotiable and I can't put any woman between me and my kids. I have parents and that, also, is non-negotiable. If you're this guy's wife, his primary loyalty should go to you. If you're dating or living together, you can't expect the same level of commitment (in my opinion). Part of it might do with who has the greatest need at the time. All things being equal, if I have to choose between spending the day with my parents or my wife, I choose my wife. If, one of my parents is in ICU or seriously needs me for something, I go to them. I chose my wife but my kids didn't choose me. My wife can choose to divorce me but my kids are my kids for life, regardless. A woman who expects me to disavow or completely ignore my kids in favor of her is going to be disappointed. A former wife once told me to choose between my kids and her and I told her if that was her ultimatum, I'd help her pack. Little beings running around with my DNA aren't optional and if they were I wouldn't be much of a man.
I don't have enough information to make a decent judgment of your guy. In general, I'd think loyalty to one's family and attending to one's family obligations would be a commendable trait and one every woman should demand in a guy. Of course, anything can be taken to extremes. A guy that could easily dismiss his family obligations could just as easily dismiss his duties as a husband.
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: ***i just don't feel loved by him***

hi Omega

thanks for such a quick response......

i didn't say in my first post that our relationship was a serious one....not just dating........ he asked me to move in with him and his children......

we both moved out of our own properties in june and within a matter of weeks it was clear that his idea of a 'step family' was completely different to mine...........he would never leave his children alone with me (they are 12 and 9) and eventually admitted that he didn't feel comfortable leaving them with me......i couldn't quite grasp how he saw the dynamics of the family being as my view of a 'step family' was that i would treat the children as my own despite me not being their mum....and we would live together as a family.


He eventually admitted that he wasn't ready for this type of relationship and he moved out just over a month ago.....since then we've tried unsuccessfully to work through our issues...

1) the fact he excludes me from activites with the children

2)the fact he discusses the most intimate of details about our relationship with his mother (even bedroom issues)

3) the fact he considers his brothers and sister in laws needs above mine

4) the fact he has poor communication skills and can't communicate how he feels

5)the fact he hates confrontation(because of the volatile relationship his mum had with his dad thathe witnessed as a child)....and this makes it very difficult to discuss anything without him retreating into his 'cave'

Wow...reading back the above makes me feel like we're a lost cause.........these issues are just the tip of the iceberg!!!


But the main issue is that he just can't understand that i need to be loved differently to his family...i need to feel special.....that we are a team.....and he just seems unable to do this.....i think alot of it is he hasn't really flown the nest.....and feels that he still needs to make them all happy

thanks again

poppydoodles

:O)
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: ***i just don't feel loved by him***

I think if you want to date him thats fine, but probably not best for you to marry him.

If you are meaning he can't put his kids above you, I get that. He really shouldn't. Although you should come in a very close second, especially if married.

If you're meaning above his parents, if you marry then yes, you should come before them. If you are looking for someone to make you the number one priority, then you might be best off seeing someone who can put you first. I don't think he is the guy.
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Old 10-11-2011, 05:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: ***i just don't feel loved by him***

hi 'unbelievable'

he's always said that his children come first...and i've always agreed with this.....this isn't the issue......


And i agree there are always instances like the examples you have given where other family members take priority.......but when your live in partner works away all week and them when he returns chooses to go to the gym with his brother over coming home and spending time with you it kind of makes you feel unwanted...not important ...or special


i am a very independent woman, not naturally needy, but i've never felt like this in a relationship before,....my father passed away in february and my partner was really unsupportive,......and i feel he thinks i should be over it by now....i wonder if this event has compunded what i need in a realtionship?


i think i'm quickly coming to the conclusion that he is too immature to provide me with everything i need in a relationship.

on another note.....he says i give him all he needs....so i feel kind of selfish asking for more of his 'time'

poppydoodles
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Old 10-11-2011, 06:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: ***i just don't feel loved by him***

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Originally Posted by POPPYDOODLES66 View Post
He eventually admitted that he wasn't ready for this type of relationship and he moved out just over a month ago.....since then we've tried unsuccessfully to work through our issues...

1) the fact he excludes me from activites with the children
This may seem rude but it may also be reasonable in his mind, following the logic that he doesn't want a girlfriend to get too close to the kids unless he's ready to commit to her (i.e., get engaged) - this may seem unreasonable and perhaps it is, but it may be his way of protecting the children from disappointment or from being subjected to multiple step-dad's-girlfriends.

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2)the fact he discusses the most intimate of details about our relationship with his mother (even bedroom issues)
That's totally unacceptable. If he's doing this, he has issues with boundaries. She probably does too, if she allows it.

Quote:
3) the fact he considers his brothers and sister in laws needs above mine

4) the fact he has poor communication skills and can't communicate how he feels

5)the fact he hates confrontation(because of the volatile relationship his mum had with his dad that he witnessed as a child)....and this makes it very difficult to discuss anything without him retreating into his 'cave'
Poor communication skills can cause dozens of problems in any relationship, so I guess this is the obvious place to start working on the relationship.

Quote:
Wow...reading back the above makes me feel like we're a lost cause.........these issues are just the tip of the iceberg!!!
You're probably not a lost cause, but I wonder how much of the iceberg is communication-related. Developing better communication between you (which requires trust, something he may have problems with especially after a divorce) should help.

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But the main issue is that he just can't understand
yep, lack of communication - lack of understanding.
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that i need to be loved differently to his family...i need to feel special.....that we are a team.....and he just seems unable to do this.....i think alot of it is he hasn't really flown the nest.....and feels that he still needs to make them all happy
This could well be the reason. A mama's boy makes a very poor husband. Do you know what contributed to the divorce? It might provide insight - you may be able to read between the lines of "his side of the story" and see breakdown in communication, not putting her first, etc. I don't know, just thinking out loud.

But I still think that you might be happier with a man who is not a father. I don't want to draw any fire for this but I will say that in my own life, I have dated ALL SORTS of guys - but never a father. I knew myself too well - I knew I didn't want to be second, and to end up resenting a child. So I just didn't go there. I think it was a good choice. It takes a more self-sacrificing woman than I am to do that and do it well.
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Old 10-11-2011, 06:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm sorry to read that your dad passed - that is devastating for anyone. Don't let anyone bully you on the grief process. Everyone grieves at their own pace. I still cry for a close family member who died 10 years ago. And it is certainly true that a death in the family can put the spotlight on a relationship and make you examine it in terms of whether it's working or not. Most people feel uncomfortable with death and grieving and don't know how to be supportive, so it's not always callousness if they aren't as supportive as we think they should be, but they should at least be trying.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:13 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: ***i just don't feel loved by him***

It sounds to me as if he isn't at the same level in the relationship as you are. Other than you seeing the kids, it seems like he thinks of you as more of a casual relationship than a really serious one, and obviously still holds on to the possibility that your relationship will not work out.

If this is not where you want to be in the relationship, address it with him. If he refuses to talk to you and see what you are saying - to understand you - then I would recommend perhaps ending the relationship.

Unfortunately being with a man with children from a previous relationship is often hard. Being with a man extraordinarily close to his family is also hard. Combined with someone who obviously doesn't want to communicate openly with you about the status of your relationship - it's not going to end well. Obviously you can't interfere with the two first issues (his closeness to his family and children) - so you need to work on the third issue which is the communication.

I, personally, would have a big issue in this type of relationship and ultimately would probably end up breaking it off if nothing helped fix the issues at hand. It's better to "waste" 14 months than to waste, let's say, 14 years.
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Old 10-12-2011, 08:05 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: ***i just don't feel loved by him***

I disagree with his putting kids/family/parents ahead of you. If this is a serious relationship, and you're on your way to becoming his wife, then you should absolutely be his # 1 priority...family, parents and kids are all important, don't get me wrong. But to be blunt, parents age and die, kids grow up and start their own lives and their own families, and where does that leave you and your husband, when it's just the two of you left, and you've put everyone else ahead of your own needs?

Make each other #1, and keep all the rest very, very close, but not ahead of one another...you'll be ever so glad you did.
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Old 10-12-2011, 08:08 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: ***i just don't feel loved by him***

Doesn't sound like he is on the same page with you about this. You need to be with someone who will put you first if that is what you're seeking.
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I disagree with his putting kids/family/parents ahead of you. If this is a serious relationship, and you're on your way to becoming his wife, then you should absolutely be his # 1 priority...family, parents and kids are all important, don't get me wrong. But to be blunt, parents age and die, kids grow up and start their own lives and their own families, and where does that leave you and your husband, when it's just the two of you left, and you've put everyone else ahead of your own needs?

Make each other #1, and keep all the rest very, very close, but not ahead of one another...you'll be ever so glad you did.
I agree with this - IF it's that kind of relationship (i.e., a wife, a fiancee) but it appears that he, at least, doesn't think it is.

I agree absolutely that one's spouse should be one's top priority, whether there are children or not.
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I don't think it's wrong or excessive to put one's family before one's girlfriend. You aren't his wife, correct? If you were, that would be different. But you say he has children? I consider it relatively normal that he would put them before you.

If you can't handle this dynamic, he probably isn't the one for you. Trying to change this will probably be very painful and frustrating for you, and probably ultimately unsuccessful.

I'm sorry to say this but I think that you may have unreasonable expectations - maybe you would do better in future relationships with men who are not fathers.
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by CandieGirl View Post
I disagree with his putting kids/family/parents ahead of you. If this is a serious relationship, and you're on your way to becoming his wife, then you should absolutely be his # 1 priority...family, parents and kids are all important, don't get me wrong. But to be blunt, parents age and die, kids grow up and start their own lives and their own families, and where does that leave you and your husband, when it's just the two of you left, and you've put everyone else ahead of your own needs?

Make each other #1, and keep all the rest very, very close, but not ahead of one another...you'll be ever so glad you did.
But she's not his wife and it doesn't sound like it's going in that direction....i could be wrong.
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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hi 'unbelievable'

he's always said that his children come first...and i've always agreed with this.....this isn't the issue......

Then there you go.

He is TELLING you that you will not be his #1 priority.
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