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How to disagree with positive results

4K views 54 replies 14 participants last post by  farsidejunky 
#1 ·
I am curious what others have done or concluded is the best way to disagree with someone whether it be your spouse, other family members or just another unrelated individual?

When I disagree with someone I want to be honest and straight forward in letting them know I disagree and why. In fact, if I am asked to give my honest opinion I cannot lie- I have know idea why but it is who I am. The problem is honesty tends to offend a lot of people, at least when it comes to a disagreement . From my experiences the "elephant in the room" isn't supposed to be part of the discussion though if it were removed the disagreement would be easier to overcome.

It seems once someone gets offended or angry over a response the possibility of resolving the disagreement dramatically drops. So is there a way to address a sensitive issue in a positive honest as possible manner without offending in a disagreement situation?
 
#2 ·
One way is to start by basically repeating their point of view and acknowledging it. Usually there will some aspects of a person's point of view that makes sense to you, so address that in a positive manner. Then, only then, introduce your point of view as an expansion of theirs.

When you do the above, you demonstrate that you acutally listened to the person and value them and have respect for their right to their point of view.

Too often, when people get the chance to voice their opinions, they do it in a way that makes the other speaker feel totally put down and ignored.
 
#3 ·
I am curious what others have done or concluded is the best way to disagree with someone whether it be your spouse, other family members or just another unrelated individual?

When I disagree with someone I want to be honest and straight forward in letting them know I disagree and why. In fact, if I am asked to give my honest opinion I cannot lie- I have know idea why but it is who I am. The problem is honesty tends to offend a lot of people, at least when it comes to a disagreement . From my experiences the "elephant in the room" isn't supposed to be part of the discussion though if it were removed the disagreement would be easier to overcome.

It seems once someone gets offended or angry over a response the possibility of resolving the disagreement dramatically drops. So is there a way to address a sensitive issue in a positive honest as possible manner without offending in a disagreement situation?
Ok, but if you are NOT asked your opinion, resist the urge to jump in to say you disagree and launch into your reasons.
 
#4 ·
I think the #1 issue with almost all arguments is that people are only eager to state their side, and are just waiting for the other person to finish talking. There is no real acceptance of what they said. Even if they are wrong, showing that you understand their perspective and that you have heard them does a lot. It won't always work, but, things like "I can see that you feel this way..." Can go a long way to show you are understanding and more importantly, actually listened to what they said.
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#5 ·
I like this discussion! What if there is no doubt the person is up to no good- do you still give mentioned forms of respect through listening and repeating or is that a whole different issue? If the intent is good- you both disagree on how to get there but want a positive outcome is one thing. If you disagree because one wants a positive outcome while the other for all practical intent is being malicious with no intent of positive outcome do you argue differently in this case- i.e. be more direct in this case?
 
#6 ·
You could chose to do as above, it might just work out well and get them off their ill intended path.

Or you could just find a reason to leave... not feed the dragon.

Can you give us an example of something that you experienced where a person was being malicious?
 
#7 ·
I usually try to see if I can understand how the other person arrived at their opinion and then I attempt to find a flaw in their process or my own that would cause the disparity. If they were arguing for the sake of arguing, just to stir things up, then I tend to agree with their point and disengage from the conversation allowing them to wallow in their own mire.
 
#8 ·
The best general example is - Service groups making what are supposed to be general rules for the good of ALL youth involved in an activity- sports, fair, clubs, whatever. But due to general lack of interest from the majority of parents for whatever reasons what you end up with is a very small group of people making rules that directly benefit their own children that are involved and isn't in the best interest of all involved. And in my case I know for a fact the integrity of at least some of these people should be in question but due to who they are friends with or perceived community status it is overlooked.

As a result of these type of rule making/governing type decisions there is a ripple effect of problems. So you can't address all these other problems without addressing the "elephant in the room" that if you eliminated these very selfish biased rules to begin with the other problems would go away.

I have yet to find a way to discuss it without nasty unsigned letters appearing in the mail. It becomes a cancer no one wants to deal with and the youth as a whole suffer and stupid offsetting decisions make things worse yet
 
#9 ·
I have to throw this out there before you guys leave me tonight!

For a more positive disagreement- with my wife.

We milk cows- the dairy economy is horrible right now- money is beyond tight.

I can't find a way to get across to my wife she needs to tighten the belt without offending her. She lives on Starbucks and Tim Hortons- I think they are too expensive and buy coffee at dollar general and make my own mixes. She wants our son to be involved in AAU sports. He isn't going to be NBA material even though he is a good teammate and coachable. AAU is every weekend so I stay home and do the work they eat out. If it were me I would either pack lunches or go to dollar menus or just fast food $5 type meals. They go to Buffalo Wild Wings or Culvers or others. Plus you have 1 or 2 times you have to get hotels. To me it is all pointless and has no long term value.

There are more examples but hopefully you get the idea. She isn't malicious but it is very hard for me to discuss without being blunt
 
#10 ·
Things that really bring the level of discussion down:

Yelling-obviously
Sighing-my most ****ing hated thing ever
Exasperated movements- head flinging back, rolling your head and or eyes, pppbbbb sound
Huh?- not paying attention...
Laughing-so condescending

I am guilty of most of these...ok, we all are, but I seriously make an effort in a fight to not do this. Sometimes it's hard. I really want to mock laugh or head roll. Gotta fight it, even in absurd situations.
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#11 ·
My problem is I get to doodling. My wife says I have terrible poker face and can't hide my contempt at bad discussions. But I don't know how to look at somebody when I know they are lying and as a result I have no respect for them.

Guess my doodling is all the things you hate rolled into one?
 
#12 ·
Make a simple spreadsheet, and show her the math. It no doubt isn't balancing. Get all the expenses, including Starbucks & Tim's.
Then together look for things you can cut out & reduce to make it balance.

We have been through times when we had to cut back, so I hear you. Life of a contractor can be feast or famine.
Luckily, my wife knows the drill, and always has.

:smile2:

Tim's.....yes!, but Starbucks???
 
#18 ·
She has had an outside job for some time now. I actually just started a part time job- tho I usually can get 7 hours or so in a day,

She doesn't directly pay bills but she knows the struggles. A lot of discussions center around how to do something farm related on no money. She has paid bills in past. I don't keep any secrets from her on the bills.
 
#21 ·
I forgot to add the following to the post about the Rich Couples and David Ramsey plans.


The basic Rich Couples plan is that every payday you do:

1) pay yourself first... put at least 10% in savings. 401K if employer matches some of it is gold, otherwise put it in the bank.

2) pay your bills that need to come out of that pay check

3) the rest of that pay check is discretionary to be spent as you like.

Step 3 of the plan leaves out something that I think is very important. The discretionary funds should be split 50/50 between the two of you. Each of you can blow, or save, that money any way you want. And neither of you can complain or criticize the other about how it's spent/saved.
 
#25 ·
Money issues are tough, because at times, I feel like the arguments and accusations regarding money are a cover for another issue. H and I struggle with this almost continually. I have been accused of blowing his life savings when I was cleaning out the refrigerator, yet we have parts to tools and equipment -- thousands of dollars worth -- that has been purchased but never installed/fixed. We have a car I cannot drive without his permission. It can be a control issue which is probably what the OP's wife is feeling.
 
#27 ·
Yes and the problem is as elegirl mentioned even if she is aware of certain aspects of the finances she isn't totally involved. This can create resentment because the money issues are always on my mind but most likely not hers because she simply isn't always dealing with it like I am. And actually she grew up that way under poor finance conditions where I was fortunate to grow up in an environment where my parents made good money so lack of money wasn't an issue. You would think I would be more likely to be the spender.
 
#28 ·
It sounds like you know exactly why you don't disagree well and offend people. Try not being so direct and watch your tone as these are the things your wife tells you. She knows you best, I would trust and respect her opinion. I agree with the others... Don't rush to disagree with them. Verbalize to them that u understand their point and say something postive about it. Then if you must state your opinion, do so respectfully, and without being too direct. Remember, your not right, this is just ur opinion. The other person is not wrong, it's their opinion. You need to be respectful when disagreeing and it's important to remember that this is not a wrong or right type of argument.
 
#29 ·
I am curious what others have done or concluded is the best way to disagree with someone whether it be your spouse, other family members or just another unrelated individual?
To disagree is an art form, to say the least.

When I disagree with someone I want to be honest and straight forward in letting them know I disagree and why. In fact, if I am asked to give my honest opinion I cannot lie- I have know idea why but it is who I am.
As the other poster indicated, it is all about respect.

The problem is honesty tends to offend a lot of people, at least when it comes to a disagreement . From my experiences the "elephant in the room" isn't supposed to be part of the discussion though if it were removed the disagreement would be easier to overcome.
Do you stay silent, disrespecting yourself AND disrespecting them, as you are assuming they will become upset? We all deserve a voice.

It seems once someone gets offended or angry over a response the possibility of resolving the disagreement dramatically drops. So is there a way to address a sensitive issue in a positive honest as possible manner without offending in a disagreement situation?
The problem is not that they get upset, but how you (for instance) would handle that angry person from that point forward. The really long-winded answer is in my free communication book.

The short answer is that you do have the ability to voice your opinions and leave it up to them to handle it well. If you accept this, then you can also disarm their anger that erupts. The truth isn't good or bad, it is just the truth. My partner is the most blunt woman on the planet, and I could get butt-hurt about it, or appreciate it for what it is. I appreciate it.

If they get upset, just listen and react with curiosity. Shrug your shoulders, but don't invalidate their anger.
 
#30 ·
I envy your farm life bremik. How many acres?

My H and I both really watch our tone, respectfulness and humility with each other.

Does she take constructive criticism well in other areas? Or is she sensitive to ALL constructive criticism?

Would you classify your criticism as constructive or destructive?
 
#31 ·
I don't know how to classify my criticism- I like to think it is objective and constructive but if it is often met with contempt I would have to assume maybe it isn't as good as I think it is?

If you don't have money you don't spend on anything but essentials, if you don't have good boundaries than stay away from temptations or situations you don't do well at, if you are going to be consumed with school sports events then you have to work later or harder during down times on your own business, if you don't want to deal with trying situations and make your spouse deal with it than don't criticize your spouse for how they deal with it.

To me that is black and white but I can't always convey that in a manner to not cause tension. I can tell you right now tension is coming- bill paying is tight, my wife just paid for hotels for next weekends away AAU games, our son had prom last night at girlfriends school and will again next week at his school. Easily have spent $5-600 that needs to go towards farm bills or essential personal expenses. The money will have to come from somewhere- and in my mind maybe some of that should be trimmed. We have discussed boundaries with a particular co worker of my wifes as well as full disclosure on her part when questionable things have happened- I am currently aware that more than once in the last week those boundaries were pushed and I wasn't told about it.

I will be in trouble or cause tension for bringing it up on top of financial issues that will need to be tended to. I don't want to make her out to be a monster- maybe it is me and I am controlling. That's why if I could be cooler and have more positive results from discussions maybe things would be better in the long run.
 
#32 ·
Well, here's the thing bremik... It sounds like you may be taking ownership for her reactions. I would take some time to self assess well, which is what it sounds like you are trying to do and determine "are my requests reasonable and constructive?" "Are her reactions reasonable and constructive?" OR are either unreasonable and destructive? Because if you are reasonable/constructive and she'a not, that is handled differently than if you are unreasonable/destructive. It sounds like she might be blameshifting.
 
#33 · (Edited)
One of my guides is our children- 1 in college and 2 still in HS. All are very well liked, do well in school, have a work ethic- know they have to work to get what they want. To me that's a good sign of my wife and I's relationship. Or can it be argued we do a good job of hiding issues?

I think my problem is my wife's love language is words of affirmation. It makes it hard for her to take any criticism and easy for others to cause trouble. I think criticism to her no matter how gentle is a slap in the face or worse. She so needs daily positive comments and as much as I compliment her it probably never is too much in her mind. So how do I positively disagree?
 
#34 ·
Acknowledge her perspective is one way, but she needs to mature to the degree to be able to hear correction and not have hyper reactions. Of you know you are in the right, reasonable, heart in the right place, the first step is to stand in that truth. Her reactions belong to her. Some of her reactions could be rooted in her past which would not belong on your shoulders. Sounds like you may need the book Boundaries.
 
#35 ·
Let's put it this way... You don't own her reactions, but her reactions could be feedback. If her reactions are unreasonable, you need boundaries. If they are reasonable, you need to further self assess and do some personal work in good communicatio, perspectives, attitudes, empathy and respect.
 
#36 ·
@farsidejunky

Far has had some problems with his wife and overspending. Far, would you like to share some advice with bremik?
 
#37 ·
Thanks for the input to this point it's all good! This might be silly but maybe it will help- I am a very cause and effect person- in my mind if you don't check the oil in your old car that you know uses oil then you shouldn't be surprised when it runs out of oil. If you have no intentions of getting into trouble but you hang around people that want to get you into trouble then don't be surprised if you get into trouble. If money gets spent on "luxury or non-essential " items than don't be surprised if you don't have money to spend on essential items.

To me that is all very black and white. My wife is very carefree and hip reaction type person- of which was an attraction for me so I can't completely condemn her for something I was attracted to her for. However, I think this cause troubles in discussions because I see a problem coming and she doesn't until after the fact and then is surprised. I might come off as unreasonable worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.
 
#38 ·
If her spending is destructive it is not unreasonable to send up a warning flare.
 
#40 ·
True and it can be quite a feat to get on the same page.

Mutual rules of engagement are a good idea.
 
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