MDGV

My husband and I were deeply in love and he treated me like an absolute princess. Then, a month before our wedding, he 'saw' and 'heard' me in the shower with a 60-year old man at a place we were staying!!!! (I was 20!) Needless to say, it could not be more untrue, but no amount of persuasion of how ridiculous and impossible and illogical his thinking was, he refused to change his opinion and was devastated. I even offered to go to the doctor who would confirm I was still a virgin.

He began to treat me very badly whenever he had an attack of anger or depression because of it - I won't go into all the terrible details. (I also then discovered that he treated his family members badly when they offended him, and he never forgot an offense.) However, when he was in a good mood, he still loved me very much.

At the same time, he started getting mysteriously sick (tiredness, headaches, stomachaches...), even though two years of every possible test since have shown him to be the picture of health. He quit his job and has been unemployed since, spending half of many days in bed.

Two days before the wedding, I said that I didn't think we would work out and I wanted to call it off, but he begged and wept and told me how much he loved me. He promised it would work out. I said OK, on the condition that he never mentioned the incident again. He promised.

Then, on our honeymoon, he claimed that I had been with his brother-in-law while I was dressing for the wedding. My husband wasn't there of course, but many other people were. He based this assumption on the fact that the brother-in-law stuck his hand inside the pipe of his swimming pool (to clean it) while we were present.

And he brought up the first incident again, only days later, despite his solemn promise...

Next was a month later. We went together to his job interview. While we were outside, something got caught in my contact lens and I tried blinking a bit to flush it out. My husband later claimed that the boss had been giving me a sign, and I was winking to accept his 'proposal'. Needless to say, he did not accept the job.

We left that town and went to another job. During his first day at work, somebody came to look at our air conditioner, which wasn't working properly, but he couldn't fix it. My husband claimed he had 'played with me', or else he would have fixed it. He decided that he couldn't go to work anymore, because I couldn't be left alone.

I cannot understand him. I am a dedicated Christian, never had a man before him, am totally devoted to loving him. Yet he now pushes me away from him, rarely makes love to me, is rarely affectionate and makes my life miserable. I can't go anywhere or have friends, because he is suspicious of everything. It has been two years. All I wanted was a happy, loving marriage. I have given him my all, yet he refuses it and insists that I am this evil person.

On top of all this, he claims that the reason he is sick is that I am poisoning him. He rarely eats any food that I prepare for him.

I have offered to do a lie detector test, but he says it will just be rigged by a secret cult that I am supposedly part of, and that devotes its energies to trying to silence and exterminate him, because he is a 'real Christian'.

I thought that if I waited, he'd get over it, but two years later, he still thinks the same things, is just as 'sick', and just as unemployed.

In the beginning, we had violently bad moments, then passionately good ones. The bad moments aren't as violent anymore, but the good ones have tapered off into a brother/sister kind of relationship. I HATE it. I still love him, but there are very few romantic feelings left in me for him.

I have tried all the things marriage books suggest. Even he admitted in his good moments that I was perfect.

We have a little girl who adores him, and another baby on the way, and I couldn't take that from her, but I cannot endure a lifetime of this.

He refuses any counseling, nor will he allow me any, either.

Please, please, give me ideas as to what can be done. I am deeply sorrowful and very lonely.

Thank you to all who respond.

PBear

I think your husband needs some significant counseling/therapy. Self help and marriage books aren't going to cut it. If he's not willing to try that, your options seem pretty limited.

C
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DanF

You've been putting up with this for two years?

The man is nuts. It's time for you to move on.
There is a huge difference between a little insecurity/ jealousy and this.

TwoDogs

Your husband is likely suffering from a serious mental illness. My best guess would be bipolar disorder; paranoid delusions can be a symptom of bipolar II.

Unfortunately, the best counseling in the world is unlikely to be successful, it's a biochemical condition requiring lifelong medication -- but it is treatable.

MDGV

That's very constructive, thank you, but I am worried - would the medication cause a drop in libido?

It is already so low, and one of the things that hurts me the most is his constant rejection of me. I saved myself up for him, now he doesn't want it because he can't 'trust' me... :'(

MDGV

Physical illness has definitely been considered. He's been to countless doctors, natural therapists of all sorts, had every possible blood test, scan, ultrasound, X-ray and electrocardiograph available. Every doctor said he was in perfect health.

I think I'm going to need a doctor soon, as I have gone from a cheerful, outgoing, busy person with many friends, full of zest for living, to a deep depression that I can't pull myself out of.

I've hardly spoken to any friends for two years, so it's really good to have a few people to talk to, even if it is on the internet. Thanks, everyone.

Lydia

A low libido is the least of your concerns.

This man sounds like my brother in law, who is a schizophrenic. I would seek help for him - he could end up getting worse and hurting you and your children.

TwoDogs

Some of the psychotherapeutic meds do cause a decrease in libido and/or sexual ability, and some don't. There are a variety of different drugs that are used and it normally takes a bit of trial and error to get the patient stabilized on the right ones.

At any rate, diagnosis by a psychiatrist would be required and it doesn't sound like he is willing to go that route.

chillymorn

did he ever have a head injury?

a head injury caused my wifes cousin to have delusional thought that the mob was after him and they got progressively worse until he thought his wife was in the mob and in a delusional rage he stabbed his wifr to death.

he sounds like the same thing is kinda happening to your husband.

Thewife

It sounds like schizophrenia, my cousin had it for nearly two years saying things that never happened. She committed suicide. I am not freaking you out so please get immediate help. Talk to his family too and get their help. I also know of another person who has it for long time but its under control with medication. Very sorry that you are going through this.

SadieBrown

Seriously, you need to stop worrying about his libido and worry about your personal safety.

Are you saying that you have been to doctors and they say nothing is wrong?

Did those doctors do psychological tests.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with him other than being extremely emotionally abusive. EAs often accuse their spouses of having affairs and re extremely jealous for no reason. But what you describe here sounds over the top even for an EA.

Have you talked to his parents/family to see if he has shown these behaviors before?

MDGV

Yeah, I'm not so worried about his libido... It's just a bit hurtful that the only man who doesn't notice me is the man I love.

Several doctors suggested he needed to see a psychologist, but he refuses to consider that option. No, it's POISON.

He's kept us away from his family most of the time, but I have pieced together the picture that he has treated them similarly for a few years, but because they didn't live in close proximity to him, they probably didn't realise the extent of the problem.

JrsMrs

This is not a normal or even exaggerated suspicious behaviour by any means. This is some kind of significant paranoid delusional disorder from the sounds of it, and you will never be able to convince him that his paranoia is unfounded. He needs real medical help for these mental issues, although I doubt you will ever be able to convince him that he needs it. I wish you luck. I know someone who has some significant delusions of persecution as well, and this woman has lost all of her family and still believes in her paranoid delusions. It's very sad, and certainly not the makings of a healthy marriage.

MDGV

I really, really don't know. I don't actually fear for my physical safety - he's not violent that way. My sanity, yes, but he won't let me go anywhere (he says I'm free to do what I want, but if I want to go to church or visit people, he makes such a fuss and makes me feel guilty and basically prevents me) or talk (I tried once and I still sometimes get told how disloyal I was, and went behind his back...).

And I cannot leave him, because he does have a problem, and he has nobody else. And when he's not having an 'attack', I know he really loves me.

I'm between a rock and a hard place. It would probably be easier if he actually hated me and was violent and dangerous. Sigh.

Po12345

You need to put your foot down and tell him that he either seeks some professional help, or this marriage is over. A lot of times people don't realize just what they are about to lose until that sort of reality kicks them upside the head really hard.

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