General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
First time poster here and in need of major advice.
I will try to make this as short as possible.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little under 2 years. The relationship has had it's ups and downs like any other but we have manage to get past our spats and I would say we've had an overall healthy relationship. We have excellent communication, a lot in common, we tell each other everything, we both have been honest and sincere with each other. We both love each other very much.
Well about 9 months ago, I made the terrible mistake to cheat on her. It was a one night stand type of thing, never heard from the girl again, never talked to her again. A spur of the moment if you will. An alcohol fueled night The biggest mistake I have made in my life. At the time my GF and I had a long distance relationship and I guess I liked the attention from this other person. I must say it was all physical, no feelings involved whatsoever. Again i feel terrible and if I could take it back I would in an instant. There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret it. I honestly have learned from this and I can bet my life on it that I will never do it again. I know I hurt my GF terribly and broke the trust she had in me. I did admit to it without her questioning me. I wanted her to hear it from me rather that someone else even if she never found out. I respect her enough to be honest with her even though I knew I ran the risk of losing her. When I told her she didn't take it well and we had some time apart. I flew out to see her and it was awkward but it seemed we worked it out.
After that we kept going out and had amazing times. Since then I have done everything in my power to regain her trust, i.e. being where I say I will be, being open about what I'm doing, allowing her to see my phone, and offering to see emails and phone records. I have given her all the attention she desires and pretty much been at her beck and call. We have had some fights here and there since but nothing to do with infidelity.
Well last month I told her I wanted to move to the same city as her and she had a complete meltdown. She said she wasn't sure why I was doing it, that she didn't know how to react, and asked for space. It hit me by surprise because days before she had been very warm and kind, and acted like she was very much in love me. So we have been talking and a few days ago she told me she was still angry at me for having cheated and I can understand that. What I don't understand is why after 8 months she stuck around. I'm not trying to play the victim here but if she hung around for 8 months why bring it up now? Not sure if that is the real reason or if she is just using it as an excuse. I get that she is still angry but it's not fair to bring it up after 8 months and say that's the reason she wants a break. She could have said it when I told her about the cheating and I would have understood. It seems it was all a sham to stick around for 8 months.
So it's been about a month and a half since our relationship went downhill. She asked for space but that only lasted for like 2 weeks. After that we started chatting but it wasn't the same. I didn't pressure her to talk about us. In that time she sends me mixed signals, like one minute she wants to continue and the next she doesn't. I'm planning on flying out to see her against her wishes. 3 weeks ago she told me she wasn't ready to see me yet. But I feel in my heart that it is time, it is now or never. I guess I feel the more time we spend apart the more distant we will grow. I don't want to lose her. I need some sincere advice on whether or not it's a good idea to go see her. Please I'm planning on doing this on Monday and I would like to have some advice before then. Thanks in advance.
wifeofhusband-- Thank you for the advice. I understand the severity of my infidelity. I firmly believe that going to see her is a good idea if anything just to hear her out and talk about what she is feeling. We did have a talk after I came clean and at this point I feel this is the right thing to do. The fact that she is still calling and texting me tells me she still cares and genuinely loves me. She tells me she cares about everything that has to do with me. I truly love this girl and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to regain her trust. It could be that she didn't process it at the time and finally has like you said. We do talk on the phone and I don't feel any resentment towards me, we talk as friends would, and I don't pressure her into talking about us. Since it has been going on for a month and a half and she gives me mixed signals I feel like we need to clear things up. Either she wants to continue with the relationship and we will work on it and work through it together or we both walk away. As for respecting her wishes, I'm having a hard time. Part of me tells me to respect her wishes and not go but my heart tells me that going and talking to her is the right thing to do. And I'm not saying that she should have gotten over it in 8 months, I understand that it may take longer. In those 8 months I haven't done anything to put or relationship in jeopardy, if anything it has been the complete opposite. I guess I would have preferred for her to end the relationship when I came clean rather than 8 months later when I thought things were going smooth. But now, I'm going to fight til the end to save this relationship.
Shaggy-- I guess it is possible but I don't believe this is the reason. Before she asked for space and break, she said she wasn't doing it to meet other people or to break up with me. I trust her and I know she wouldn't say it just to say it.
If she has made it perfectly clear that she does not want to see you, then you need to respect her wishes. Flying to see her will more than likely make things worse. Posted via Mobile Device
On one hand I agree with Delinquent. On the other hand I almost feel as if it's time to know where your life is headed.
You've been in limbo-land for many months
You are involved in a long-distance relationship
She apparently does not want to see you
She is very hurt by your infidelity and it takes time to get over that
You are NOT married
You both can move on with your lives
I don't like being in limbo though I recognize the importance of patience. I think it may be time for a very candid discussion with her. That has to start with one question, "Are we going to do this or aren't we?"
If you are, make a plan to work on it and that INCLUDES being in each others physical presence. If she doesn't want that, then maybe you need to consider walking away.
I know you love her and care about her but to me in order to take that love to a different level, you have to be willing to lose her. Sounds harsh, but you are a party in this relationship as well. The bottom line is that you have little to lose.
On one hand I agree with Delinquent. On the other hand I almost feel as if it's time to know where your life is headed.
You've been in limbo-land for many months
You are involved in a long-distance relationship
She apparently does not want to see you
She is very hurt by your infidelity and it takes time to get over that
You are NOT married
You both can move on with your lives
I don't like being in limbo though I recognize the importance of patience. I think it may be time for a very candid discussion with her. That has to start with one question, "Are we going to do this or aren't we?"
If you are, make a plan to work on it and that INCLUDES being in each others physical presence. If she doesn't want that, then maybe you need to consider walking away.
I know you love her and care about her but to me in order to take that love to a different level, you have to be willing to lose her. Sounds harsh, but you are a party in this relationship as well. The bottom line is that you have little to lose.
Best wishes
Rfalaska-- thank you for the candid advice. I am in limbo because like I said part of me wants to respect her wishes and part of me wants to know where this is going. She asked for space and time but she still calls and texts. I reply and answer because I don't want her to think I don't care anymore. She hasn't told me straight up that she wants to end things but she avoids talking about us either. I love this woman with all my heart and if I have to let her go then so be it but we can't continue on likethis without talking about things. She didn't say she did not want to see me, she said she wasn't ready to see me at that time which was 3 weeks ago. So to me I feel like she does want to but by admitting to it she thinks I would see her as weak which is not the case. In the last 8 months we have taken several trips together, celebrated her birthday, spent time with her family, been there for each other, etc. I told her I wanted to stop the long distance and move closer to her and that's how all this started. thanks for the advice. Any other input would be appreciated. Posted via Mobile Device
If she has made it perfectly clear that she does not want to see you, then you need to respect her wishes. Flying to see her will more than likely make things worse. Posted via Mobile Device
to me, being the type of guy that I am, I face problems, situations head on. I'm not one to run away from things. She said it was too soon to see me when I offered andthat was 3 weeks ago. Since then, she still calls me amd texts me but she avoids talking about us. I don't know if you realize how heart wrenching that can be. And I would rather know now if she wants to try and work things out rather than to get a call months down the road just for her to say she doesn't want to try. That is how I look at it. I have always respected her wishes but this time I feel like I have to do this. Sometimes we just have to follow our heart. Posted via Mobile Device
Long distance relationships don't work. Her not wanting to see you means her other boyfriend that lives by her would get mad if he found out about you. She's just stringing you along because she still likes you but doesn't want to completely be with you. You should end it and find another chick that lives closer to you.
Honestly, I think she's found another guy. It is easy to text when she wants, call when she wants, go on fun trips together, whatever. Seems to me that she is in complete control of the relationship. I suppose she earned that right when you cheated. Having said that, I really think it's time for a couple of straight up questions with honest answers.
Is there another guy?
If I can't come now, when can I come? I need to see you.
If she can't answer both of those questions to your satisfaction, move on.
Keep in mind that you moving on might be exactly what she needs to come back to you. Her knowing you're willing to leave will force her hand, which is exactly what you want.
Enough submission, take control of your life. Posted via Mobile Device
to me, being the type of guy that I am, I face problems, situations head on. I'm not one to run away from things. She said it was too soon to see me when I offered andthat was 3 weeks ago. Since then, she still calls me amd texts me but she avoids talking about us. I don't know if you realize how heart wrenching that can be. And I would rather know now if she wants to try and work things out rather than to get a call months down the road just for her to say she doesn't want to try. That is how I look at it. I have always respected her wishes but this time I feel like I have to do this. Sometimes we just have to follow our heart. Posted via Mobile Device
I do know how heart wrenching it can be. My H & I have been apart 8 months now and I struggle with it every day.
You don't have to be in limbo, you could choose to walk away from this also. Don't giver her all of the power. Posted via Mobile Device
First of all I just want to thank everyone who read my post and especially those who responded with advice.
Here's an update - when I first posted my story I was contemplating going to see my now ex-girlfriend. Well I came forward and told her I wanted to go see her. She was hesitant at first but later in the day she accepted. So there I am, driving to LA around midnight for a 6am flight the next day. Anyways, I get to my destination and I see her. I stayed there for a total of 5 days. In that time we acted as if nothing was wrong in the relationship, still kissing, just pecks though, holding hands, going out to a few places, dinner, etc. We did talk about us and I explained how I felt, how I wanted things to work out. She wasn't having any of it. I then told her I respected her decision and I would walk away, for her to do her own thing and I would do my own thing.
In the end she told me the "it's not you it's me" story, saying I was what any girl would want in a guy, that she had issues within her that she needed to resolve and it was not fair for me to be in the middle of it. That she loved me very much and would miss me very much. The next few days after she officially broke up with me, she texted me as if nothing was wrong, even as far as saying that I was ignoring her texts. She calls about once a week to see how I'm doing. Frankly, I answer because I care and keep that hope that she might want to reconcile. I recently saw her at a mutual friend's party. It was planned long ago and I didn't think she would show up. (she had to fly into town for it). I played it cool, chatted with her, small talk, but also talked to other friends at the party. She didn't seem sad or having as hard a time as I'm having. Even when I said bye, she acted as if I was a person whom she had just met. I didn't show it but my heart sunk. She texted me a few times since then but I haven't responded.
So there you have it. It's been about 1 month since the official break up. I'm having such a hard time and seeing her did not help at all. I try to stay positive and not think about her yet my mind is filled with thoughts of her. Sorry if the update was long just needed to get it off my chest.
First of all I just want to thank everyone who read my post and especially those who responded with advice.
Here's an update - when I first posted my story I was contemplating going to see my now ex-girlfriend. Well I came forward and told her I wanted to go see her. She was hesitant at first but later in the day she accepted. So there I am, driving to LA around midnight for a 6am flight the next day. Anyways, I get to my destination and I see her. I stayed there for a total of 5 days. In that time we acted as if nothing was wrong in the relationship, still kissing, just pecks though, holding hands, going out to a few places, dinner, etc. We did talk about us and I explained how I felt, how I wanted things to work out. She wasn't having any of it. I then told her I respected her decision and I would walk away, for her to do her own thing and I would do my own thing.
In the end she told me the "it's not you it's me" story, saying I was what any girl would want in a guy, that she had issues within her that she needed to resolve and it was not fair for me to be in the middle of it. That she loved me very much and would miss me very much. The next few days after she officially broke up with me, she texted me as if nothing was wrong, even as far as saying that I was ignoring her texts. She calls about once a week to see how I'm doing. Frankly, I answer because I care and keep that hope that she might want to reconcile. I recently saw her at a mutual friend's party. It was planned long ago and I didn't think she would show up. (she had to fly into town for it). I played it cool, chatted with her, small talk, but also talked to other friends at the party. She didn't seem sad or having as hard a time as I'm having. Even when I said bye, she acted as if I was a person whom she had just met. I didn't show it but my heart sunk. She texted me a few times since then but I haven't responded.
So there you have it. It's been about 1 month since the official break up. I'm having such a hard time and seeing her did not help at all. I try to stay positive and not think about her yet my mind is filled with thoughts of her. Sorry if the update was long just needed to get it off my chest.
even though you haven't said it outright, your ex knows that you are possibly hanging around waiting for a reconciliation. her calling you once a week is selfish- it's her way of making sure that you're still around & waiting in the wings. I know how hard it'll be, but until you get over the hurt, maybe it'll be a good idea to limit any contact between you. if you don't want to hurt her feelings by ignoring her, then the next time she calls explain to her that although you value her as part of your life, you feel that being in contact right now isnt the right thing to do for either of you. you cant keep being in limbo & you need some time to heal & move forward with your life. maybe in a couple of months you guys can be friends but right now the wounds are still too raw. then stop contact. if you are hoping for a reconciliation, then maybe by not having you around, she'll realise how much she misses you. If that doesn't happen, then at least you get a chance to move on with your life, instead of wasting the next few months hanging around until she meets someone else & cuts off contact with you.
Please, am I doing the right thing??? 
