Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Problems communicating any issues big or small

2K views 16 replies 8 participants last post by  Rubix Cubed 
#1 ·
Hi there, I wouldn't normally go onto something like this but I'm at a loss as what to do. I feel like I don't want to tell friends or family for fear they will judge me, my husband, or both.
We have been together almost 10 years and married almost 5 years. In the last 6 months or so I feel I just cannot talk to my husband about anything. If I raise an issue for example like I feel he isn't really being affectionate, he gets annoyed and is like oh every few months you get like this what more can I do. I try to explain and he gets annoyed and it ends up in an argument where in the end I feel like I was being a drama queen over nothing. He has a way of speaking which is so condescending at times, I've told him this and that he makes me feel like I'm stupid or dramatic and he says he's not doing that. Everything I say has to be taken literally, like if I say oh you never really kiss me without me initiating it, he would say what do you mean never I kissed you last week! I try to be so precise in what I say so he can't take it wrong.
The latest argument came the night before last, it began as I had been away at a friends wedding the night before and when I got home it was like no chores we're done for the day and a half I was gone. No washing put on, no floors swept, and the house was untidy. We have a 21 month old son who he looked after for the night and the next morning, and he was studying part of the time for an exam, which I get. However, they were only small chores and I felt he could have done what I normally would do if I was home instead of me feeling like it was left for me to do when I get back. I tried to say nothing at first as I knew he would get annoyed, but when he pressed me as to why i seemed off (as I was cleaning) I said ah just the place is messy and no washing was done or anything while I was gone, he flipped and looked to angry. Then he wouldn't speak to me. I said can I talk to you about it later as I didn't want a row to start in front of our son, and he said I don't want you to talk to me later. We ended up off with each other for the evening and then we went to bed. When in bed asked could we just talk and could I explain what was bothering me about the house and he kept saying no he didn't want to hear it. I said can you not understand how horrible it sounds when I can't talk to you and you don't want to know what's bothering me, he eventually agreed to let me talk. I tried to explain calmly it wasn't the chores its was just how I felt in that moment coming home and seeing that he didn't think of me and how I would have to do it all and he said I should be less ungrateful that he looked after our son so I could go away for a night (I should point out its the first time I have gone away for. Whole night since he was born). He listed everything he was doing since I was gone and that he wasn't being lazy or idle. I knew this of course and once again I began to feel like a ***** for bringing it up at all. Anyway the row went on and on and eventually I got really annoyed and did raise my voice to him, I never swear but I got so frustrated I asked why did he take everything so f**ing literally it was infuriating, at which point he got up and said he was going to sleep in the spare room. I got upset at this as this never happened before, I said look please don't do that just stay here and he said all I had done for the past few minutes was shout and he wasn't putting up with it, he made me feel like a bold child and left the room. I then began to bawl crying, and I'm sure he could hear me as his door was ajar, and I had to get up at one point to get tissue. I was and am upset that I can talk to him, that he gets so annoyed at me and there is obviously a problem with us as every little issue turns into a row.
Then I remembered how he used to say how him being the cause of my sadness killed him and he would hate to hurt me, yet here I was in our bed alone and bawling and he wouldn't come to comfort me.
He didn't come back to bed, he stayed the night in the spare room. I eventually fell asleep from exhaustion. The next day (yesterday) we didn't speak unless we had to, and last night he came to bed I had closed the door, he asked why I closed the door when I went to bed and I said I thought he wanted to sleep in the spare room again as his phone etc. Wasn't there, he said did I want him to or something, I said no I thought you wanted to. He got into bed, we didn't speak, we fell asleep. This morning i got up with our son, gave him breakfast etc. Before I left for work, he was dropping him to the childminder later as he is on night shifts this week. I said goodbye to my son and kissed him and mumbled bye to my husband as I left for work. He mumbles back. Now here I am, home after a long hard day. He is at work and we haven't spoken again today. I dont know when we will speak, he is on nights this week in work, and to be honest, I am afraid to try to sort it. I'm afraid of the reaction and feeling like it was all my fault in the first place. I know I'm not innocent, I do raise my voice at time and sometimes maybe I shouldn't Bring up things that bother me, he says I should be grateful for our lovely house, healthy son etc. And I've nothing to complain about.
What do I do? I don't know how to fix this. He has really hurt me, he made me feel so small when he walked out the other night, and so unloved that he could ignore me crying like that. I do love him, but I have felt resentment the last 2 days that I haven't before. I don't know if we should get counselling or what to do.
Thanks for reading this, I know it's long winded. Just venting has helped a little, but to know I'm not alone would help too. :crying:
 
See less See more
#2 ·
When I was reading your post, it really felt like I was reading about my husband and I. We have the exact same dynamics. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to figure out how to deal with that. Or at least what I was able to figure out didn't really help. My husband reacts the same way and makes me feel like I am an overreacting drama queen. We once had the exact same argument as you guys with cleaning. I came back from a business trip to a filthy kitchen.
For us, the situation has just been getting worse. I am at the point that I feel like I can't talk to my husband either, and I am about to quit trying.
I am really sorry you are going through this. I am working on not reacting to my husband, which sadly comes with a disconnect between us. You maybe better off trying to work on how you react (or not react) to him. Try to stay calm as much as you can.
My husband also gets hung up on words like 'never' and 'always', so try not to use them as men do tend to take things literally.
 
#3 ·
When you have finally had enough and you file for divorce watch how fast he comes to the sudden realization that he's lazy and a poor communicator, and isn't meeting your reasonable needs, and he'll say watch how he can change so very quickly and be the sort of guy you always wanted him to be.
 
  • Like
Reactions: NobodySpecial
#4 ·
I'm sorry your going through this. I've had the same experience with my husband, and it seems like they just don't get it. I can't say anything to my husband without him becoming super defensive, and it turns into an argument.
I think the first step is to get on the same page and that is... Admitting that you guys are having trouble communicating and everything turns into a big deal and it doesn't have to be. Get him to admit this. And before blaming it on each other it's important to come together and agree on something, which is the problem. Relationships shouldn't have to be this exhausting and hard.
Try not to get into what happened in the past Bc the problem is he 100% doesn't see where you are coming from and there is no convincing of it right now. It will just leave you more upset.

Once you both agree that this is a problem. Ask him what he thinks you guys can do to start to fix the problem. See what he says. See if he is even willing to work on the problem.
Those are the first 2 things you need to do. Get him to admit there is a problem. And get him to want to work on the problem.

Then you can try counseling, or communication books which I'm sure people here will suggest some good reads.
 
#5 ·
I think the problem is, at least it is with my husband is that he's selfish and he just doesn't get it. He has an inability to understand anything you do or say. And you waste time explaining things to them and it really takes a hit on your self esteem and for me... I get really upset and I would yell at times out of frustration for not understanding after I explained in detail. I'm pretty sure my husband has passive aggressive personality. Trying looking this up and see if your husband fits the bill.
 
#7 ·
Yes, oh my god!!! You are like reading my thoughts. I also think my husband is a narcissist. And I understand narcissists tend to be passive aggressive. I have been through the same thing when I explain and explain and explain, and he acts like I've fell off the moon. I have actually completely lost it (yelling and going crazy) a few times while explaining how I felt. I have decided to stop now as it is not getting me anywhere. My husband actually agrees that we are not communicating well, but he is certain me and my tendency to overreact are the only problems here. So I need to change. And he is perfect the way he is.
 
#6 ·
I read that a little differently. I think you approached it wrong, sorry.

Using absolutes like "always" or "never" puts the receiver on the defensive. You immediately negate anything that person has done. "I would like it if we kissed more" or "I miss how much we used to kiss before the baby, can we try to do that more?" would have worked better and he probably wouldn't shut down right away.

It was probably hard for him to handle your night away. You said yourself he had never done it. He might have even wondered just how you manage to get it all done. But your immediate reaction was to point out everything he didn't do as well as tell him you could do it better. He was probably proud of what he did manage to get done and keep your child alive but you shot him down. He isn't you and he doesn't have the same experience or skill set. And then you pushed and pushed to discuss it. You wanted him to see that you were right and he was wrong and he was a jerk for not thinking of sparing you from having to clean when you got home and not being perfect his first time out of the gate.

I honestly think you should apologize to him. Perhaps employ some empathy and evaluate how you are communicating. You might have valid concerns about things but it's sounds like your style conveys the message that he isn't good enough. That is a crappy way to feel.
 
#9 ·
I actually disagree. She is allowed to get upset.

In fact it's super important for our spouse to allow us to get upset, even if we are wrong. He is the one that makes her feel like she's over reacting and de values her feelings.

She needs to be allowed to get upset. All he has to do is say... I'm sorry babe, I've been over whelmed and I couldn't get to the dishes. A spouse is allowed to complain. But he can't just get defensive and shut her down right away. He wants to fight. All she needs is a little support and a little love. I'm sorry babe, I'll do the dishes you rest from your drive.
 
#10 ·
Sounds to me like he has some pride at work. He is probably waiting for you to come to him and apologize. He will wait you out because he is able to compartmentalize his feelings. He knows this is tearing you up.

I think the two of you need a coach.

Sent from my SM-N910P using Tapatalk
 
This post has been deleted
#13 · (Edited)
I read this differently, too. Op, you say this is a chronic thing for 6 months, but I didn't see many details about prior instances, so all I can go by are the couple of recent examples you gave.



A couple of red flags I'm seeing here make me think you may be making him responsible for your own insecurities. My guess is that when you told him you felt he wasn't being affectionate, you didn't phrase it as, "I like it when we kiss more." My guess is that it came across more as, "You're making me feel unloved." And look at how you're phrasing things even here in your post..."He makes me feel like I'm stupid or dramatic."



We've all heard it...everybody has a right to their "feelings". You can't argue with "feelings". Don't fall into the trap of thinking that that means you can attack your partner with your insecurities-turned-hurtful-assumptions as if they are fact and expect him not to become very defensive and angry.



When you try to decide for him what his actions, inactions, or words mean to him, that's disrespectful and feels something like a character attack to him. It's one thing to complain about lack of affection. It's another to try to assign motivations or lack of motivations to him in the process. You've heard of putting words into people's mouths and know they don't like that, right? Well, you're putting feelings into his heart and mind that are not really there, and that's a disturbing and hurtful thing to deal with from his side.



I know what you're seeking when you do it, what you're hoping for. You hope that when you accuse him of an emotion or lack of emotion that he will stop you and say, "Of course that's not the case. Of course I think about you. Of course I love you. I'm so sorry I made you feel that way." But that's not how it works because by then, he feels attacked. If he's smart, he also has probably caught onto your tactic by now and feels somewhat emotionally manipulated by your accusations.



I'm not saying that you mean to manipulate him, but think about it and think about it honestly...you are accusing him of awful things (not thinking of you, not loving you enough to want to be affectionate with you) that are not true in order to pull emotion and words from him to soothe yourself, to allay your own raging insecurities that probably have very little to do with him. That is manipulation, like it or not, and no man who respects himself will stand for that for long. The fact that he got up and went to sleep in the other room after you yelled and cursed at him tells me that he does respect himself more than that. Believe it or not, this is a wonderful thing. Your man knows how to set boundaries. If he didn't, I can promise you that you would cease respecting him and fall out of love with him eventually.



When you bring an issue up with your husband, separate what he's actually done or said from your own insecurities. Compartmentalize his actions and words away from what you are afraid those actions and words might mean regarding his love for you. The guy's been with you for a decade and likely believes he's earned more trust than that. He likely believes he's earned you not questioning his feelings for you and devotion to you at every turn. You can tell him you'd like him to have the house a little cleaner without accusing him of not thinking about you or caring about you enough to do it without you asking. Like another poster, I believe he probably felt proud of himself for taking care of your toddler alone for the first time and felt blindsided by the criticism, but I think he was more hurt at you assigning a meaning to it that didn't exist.



He said it himself before. He hates hurting you, especially when he knows he's the one who hurt you. Well, how do you think it feels for him when he's constantly accused of hurting you in ways he actually hasn't, such as by not thinking about you (when he really was) or not loving you enough to (when he does)? At some point - which probably came about six months ago - he would have to start putting up some walls and boundaries to protect himself from your seemingly constant hurt that really is not because of him...it's you hurting yourself. Because having to pick up the house a bit when you get home from visiting your friend is just not enough to hurt you that much.



At this point, he probably feels like nothing he does makes you feel happy or loved for more than half a day. It's exhausting for a man to feel like his partner's feelings of love and security are so fleeting as to need constant reinforcement, like whether she knows she's loved depends upon how perfect he can be that day. Don't make him pay for your own insecurities anymore. Don't use them as a weapon. It can ruin a marriage.


I don't understand. She came home, she was disappointed the house wasn't clean. She knew he would be mad if she said something so she didn't. She was quite Bc she was bothered the house wasn't clean, which she can't be fake and pretend like she's not bothered. He pressured her to tell him what was wrong. She stated a fact... The house was a little messy. She did not assign feelings to this, she simple stated a fact. From this point, she did not do anything wrong. HE takes what she said and adds his own feelings to it... I'm not good enough, nothing I do is good enough, I can't make her happy, I'm a bad husband. She did not make him feel like this, this is HIS own insecurities, she simply stated a complaint... The house is messy. Who cares.

He is wrong, and he has issues. He got overly defensive and mad over her saying the house is messy. Why did such a benign statement upset him so much? The problem is, he decided to punish her for complaining by ignoring her and getting mad. She did not do anything wrong. He is the one who is emotionally manipulating her. And he is basically manipulating her so she won't ever complain about him, and he can never be blamed for anything and he can basically go on with life and do whatever he wants to do without his wife saying anything.

This is exactly what my husband does. He can't take responsibility, he doesn't want to do what he doesn't want to do and he won't. And when he gets called out, he turns it around on me and makes it all about him... Oh I can never make you happy, nothing I do is ever good enough, you make me feel like a bad husband... Blah blah. I've heard it all before. When in reality I'm sitting over here like... Chill, all you have to do is the dishes it's not that serious.

After she states a fact... The house is messy, what he SHOULD of done was not assign feelings to this statement, but response like a normal adult. I'm sorry honey, I've been busy all day running around with the toddler and studying for this test. OR if he felt like she shouldn't expect so much out of him and he was hurt by her comment he could say... I feel like your expecting too much out of me. I was really busy and i did the best I could and it makes me feel like nothing I do is good enough because you picked out the one thing I didn't do right.

There you go. It's not that difficult. Her husband needs to learn how to communicate his feelings like an adult. Getting defensive and giving her the silent treatment is unacceptable, and it's manipulating and it's treating her like a child that needs punishment. She is an adult, she is his wife and her thoughts and feelings need to be respected.

Telling your husband that he is not affectionate anymore is not an attack. It's a simple statement. He shouldn't get annoyed with her. He should respect what his wife says, and address the issue. Getting mad at her is so disrespectful Bc he's basically saying she's wrong, she's over reacting, here we go again. That is a horrible attitude to have about something your wife says. The problem is what she says, and what her husband interprets it as is completely different.
 
#12 ·
We have been together almost 10 years and married almost 5 years. In the last 6 months or so I feel I just cannot talk to my husband about anything. If I raise an issue for example like I feel he isn't really being affectionate, he gets annoyed and is like oh every few months you get like this what more can I do.
He takes it personally, as an attack. As such, your feelings are disregarded. The problem is that his annoyance gets you to back down. You back down... The problem goes away (to him) and all is well.


I try to explain and he gets annoyed and it ends up in an argument where in the end I feel like I was being a drama queen over nothing. He has a way of speaking which is so condescending at times, I've told him this and that he makes me feel like I'm stupid or dramatic and he says he's not doing that.
He argues it until you back down.

1. You join him in the argument
2. You back down
Everything I say has to be taken literally, like if I say oh you never really kiss me without me initiating it
"Never" is a strong word and is hard to hear from any person.

, he would say what do you mean never I kissed you last week! I try to be so precise in what I say so he can't take it wrong.
Your focus shouldn't be so much on how he takes it.
The latest argument came the night before last, it began as I had been away at a friends wedding the night before and when I got home it was like no chores we're done for the day and a half I was gone. No washing put on, no floors swept, and the house was untidy. We have a 21 month old son who he looked after for the night and the next morning, and he was studying part of the time for an exam, which I get. However, they were only small chores and I felt he could have done what I normally would do if I was home instead of me feeling like it was left for me to do when I get back. I tried to say nothing at first as I knew he would get annoyed, but when he pressed me as to why i seemed off (as I was cleaning) I said ah just the place is messy and no washing was done or anything while I was gone, he flipped and looked to angry.
Right.... How dare you be upset, which he feels is a personal attack on him. How dare you have feelings.

Then he wouldn't speak to me. I said can I talk to you about it later as I didn't want a row to start in front of our son, and he said I don't want you to talk to me later. We ended up off with each other for the evening and then we went to bed. When in bed asked could we just talk and could I explain what was bothering me about the house and he kept saying no he didn't want to hear it. I said can you not understand how horrible it sounds when I can't talk to you and you don't want to know what's bothering me, he eventually agreed to let me talk. I tried to explain calmly it wasn't the chores its was just how I felt in that moment coming home and seeing that he didn't think of me and how I would have to do it all and he said I should be less ungrateful that he looked after our son so I could go away for a night
Again, an emotional ploy meant to get you to back down. He does this because he feels discomfort. For him, the quick and easy way to eliminate discomfort is by using these tools.
(I should point out its the first time I have gone away for. Whole night since he was born). He listed everything he was doing since I was gone and that he wasn't being lazy or idle. I knew this of course and once again I began to feel like a ***** for bringing it up at all.
Why did you feel bad for bringing it up? You are guilty for having feelings?
Anyway the row went on and on and eventually I got really annoyed and did raise my voice to him, I never swear but I got so frustrated I asked why did he take everything so f**ing literally it was infuriating, at which point he got up and said he was going to sleep in the spare room.
While that is never a healthy response, it is still worth validating. That type of reaction from him is just a whatever/leave me alone.
I got upset at this as this never happened before, I said look please don't do that just stay here and he said all I had done for the past few minutes was shout and he wasn't putting up with it
You have to let him play his games. He played the game, and as expected, you backed down.
, he made me feel like a bold child and left the room. I then began to bawl crying, and I'm sure he could hear me as his door was ajar, and I had to get up at one point to get tissue. I was and am upset that I can talk to him, that he gets so annoyed at me and there is obviously a problem with us as every little issue turns into a row.
His pride enjoyed that. I don't mean to say he is a bad guy, though. These tools are used by the majority of couples, so he is not unique here. It is a game of manipulation for one thing: power.

Then I remembered how he used to say how him being the cause of my sadness killed him and he would hate to hurt me, yet here I was in our bed alone and bawling and he wouldn't come to comfort me.
He takes it very personally that you are upset. He sees it as an attack on him. He is very proud of his contribution, whatever that means to him. You being upset means (to him) that he isn't doing the right things. If you back down, it restores order to him.
He didn't come back to bed, he stayed the night in the spare room. I eventually fell asleep from exhaustion. The next day (yesterday) we didn't speak unless we had to, and last night he came to bed I had closed the door, he asked why I closed the door when I went to bed and I said I thought he wanted to sleep in the spare room again as his phone etc. Wasn't there, he said did I want him to or something, I said no I thought you wanted to. He got into bed, we didn't speak, we fell asleep.
Unfortunately, you are going to be the one that needs to initiate change. To do so will require patience and some powerful communication techniques.

I dont know when we will speak, he is on nights this week in work, and to be honest, I am afraid to try to sort it. I'm afraid of the reaction and feeling like it was all my fault in the first place.
Fear is understandable, but it should not keep you from acting. Your feelings are your feelings. Say that 100 times, until you get (analogously) blue in the face.
I know I'm not innocent, I do raise my voice at time and sometimes maybe I shouldn't Bring up things that bother me, he says I should be grateful for our lovely house, healthy son etc. And I've nothing to complain about.
Any person can give you a house and a son. It takes a special person to have a romantic relationship with. I don't think he promised you the bare minimum, during courtship.


What do I do? I don't know how to fix this. He has really hurt me, he made me feel so small when he walked out the other night, and so unloved that he could ignore me crying like that. I do love him, but I have felt resentment the last 2 days that I haven't before. I don't know if we should get counselling or what to do.
Thanks for reading this, I know it's long winded. Just venting has helped a little, but to know I'm not alone would help too. :crying:
The counselor is going to be a referee for arguments. I advise you take a different route. Try investing in yourself and then learning to communicate from a point of strength. You are unwavering but inviting, in this point of strength.

What will work will be to place responsibility on his shoulders for his actions. To do this, you have to give zero negativity.
 
#16 ·
@grisha I just briefly read through some of your threads. Wow we really do have very similar situations. I too am very sensitive and my husband is insensitive. He also is very busy (he's a resident) yet doesn't take vacation time. And I have very controlling in-laws, especially MIL. My husband plays the field and acts completely different in front of me vs when he's with his parents.
I'm 30, no kids, been married for 5 years. I don't know if it will be better to just find someone else who doesn't have these passive aggressive problems (as you know, it makes you crazy), or if I should try to make this marriage work in the hopes he will one day get it. I would appreciate any advice if you have any. You can private message me if you want. Few people understand what it's like to be married to a man like this.
 
#17 ·
So OP goes off for a party weekend and hubby keeps the kid. She gets home and is mad because he didn't do everything she expected. If he came home from a party weekend and complained about the yardwork and housework not being done, how would that go over?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top