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friends first.

9K views 109 replies 35 participants last post by  NextTimeAround 
#1 ·
lots of women post that they want friends first, not a fwb or one night stand.

Most of my friend looking for a woman for long term relationship want some action. this whole friends first thing isn't cutting it. It smells of cold fish.

isn't there some sort of happy medium? I mean who wants to date and throw money at going out while waiting to see if a friendship turns into desire? Lets face it if your over 45 yrs old times a ticking and waiting for some action just seems stupid. If there's physical attraction then ripping off each others cloths and getting some action is important.

I think its a power struggle if you wait or are friends first then the woman will try to control the sex like a banker. using it to her advantage whenever she feels like it.

there has to be mutual desire on both parts or its just not worth it.
 
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#2 ·
Here is a good suggestion.

Set a budget for each new date/friendship/relationship. Say for example $300. Tell the woman there is $300 for you to spend on her and that she needs to put out before the balance reaches zero, otherwise you move on to the next woman. If you have sex with her, the account gets replenished based on how good the sex was.

That will address your "who wants to date and throw money at going out while waiting to see if a friendship turns into desire"
 
#3 ·
lo that's romance!!!

I know my post might come off as put out or get out but that's not how I intended it to sound.

seriously I think there has to be some raw animal attraction, I almost see it as the exact opposite if the sex is bad then I don't want to be friends.

maybe it depends if you just got out of a sexless marriage you want to be sure not to waste any time with a woman who doesn't put sex high on the priority scale.
 
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#7 ·
Hmmm.....let's see...

You want someone to have sex with you before she gets to know you. You don't want to spend too much on her in case you find you don't like her (i.e. waste money). You didn't say this, but from reading TAM, it seems that most guys are really hung up on getting into a LTR with a woman whose "number" is too high. Or who has been too "freaky" with other men before them.

Whatever could the problem be...?
 
#10 ·
no I don't want to spend endless days being friends I have lots of friends I need a lover!

you can try to twist my words to suit your needs but it isn't working.
 
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#9 ·
yep thats what most older guy do its cheaper and they aim to please after words its roll over and go to bed. don't have to pay their car ins or hear them b!tch about all the drama with facebook and crazy rants.

>:)

But thats not what I posted that what you think you read from my post.
 
#12 ·
What women say and what they do are not always in sync. If she likes you and you turn her on, then it's usually a green light. If she's insisting on a friendship first then I wouldn't waste my time. You should be able to get a pretty clear picture by the end of the first date what direction the relationship is going to take and that's when you get to decide whether you are onboard with it or are going to move on to the next one.
 
#23 ·
What women say and what they do are not always in sync.
True words were never said. In the moment they say them, they mean it but the wind shifts and things change.

If she likes you and you turn her on, then it's usually a green light. If she's insisting on a friendship first then I wouldn't waste my time. You should be able to get a pretty clear picture by the end of the first date what direction the relationship is going to take and that's when you get to decide whether you are onboard with it or are going to move on to the next one.
I have had different experiences. With my wife, our first date she made clear that she was not looking for marriage and just wanted to have fun. One month later we were engaged and we have been married 25+ years.
 
#17 ·
When a man's says to a women "I think we should be friends" means he's not into her, but he'll have sex with her anyway. (If it's offered)
When a woman says to a man "I think we should be friends" means she's not into him, but is keeping him around incase nothing better (richer) shows up.

That's my theory anyway!


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 
#82 ·
When a man's says to a women "I think we should be friends" means he's not into her, but he'll have sex with her anyway. (If it's offered)
When a woman
like say you?
says to a man "I think we should be friends" means she's not into him, but is keeping him around incase nothing better (richer) shows up.
So you are saying that, as a woman, you want a man for his MONEY? Speak for yourself, sweetheart.
 
#18 ·
In that age bracket it is fairly standard to have FWB or multiple dating partners. If you aren't finding this to be the case then maybe you need to look at yourself to find out why.

Do you live in a small town?
Are you too harsh?
Are you a friendly person?
etc

Plenty of others are out enjoying the post divorce life.
 
#20 ·
That "friends first" line sounds like a crock and a turn-off to me too. That doesn't mean rational considerations apart from sexual chemistry are irrelevant--but if you don't inspire that mutual, visceral spark from the start, you can waste serious time left-braining yourself into a dud relationship.
:iagree:

No chemistry? Dud ball relationship, IMHO. Unless you're just looking for a friend to have coffee with :D.
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#21 ·
I think you're putting way too much thought into what women's profiles say. More thought, in fact, than the vast majority of the women whose profiles contain that phrase. "Friends first" is sort of shorthand for "I'm not looking to hook up and would like to actually get to know you before we get nekkid". My suggestion would be that if a guy isn't interested in getting to know a woman a little better before the clothes come off, or in the women who would use that descriptor for the type of relationship they want, then it's best to just move along. And, FWIW, I saw a lot of men's profiles that mentioned "friends first" as well, so it's not just a woman thing.

I think there is a middle ground between "friends" and casual sex. But it's what I would call dating. If I'm dating a guy (beyond the first date), I'm interested in him sexually. If he's dating me, I presume the same. But I'm not going to sleep with anyone that I'm not also interested in intellectually, emotionally, and in all other ways. I'm also not going to sleep with anyone who isn't willing to agree to be sexually exclusive with me for the duration of our intimate relationship. I wasn't looking for a friend only, but my personal parameters meant that I wasn't going to be compatible with anyone who wasn't interested in getting to know each other better before we hit the sheets. Some guys weren't interested in that. No harm, no foul. I was happy to wish them well to move along to someone more compatible with what they wanted.
 
#22 ·
I don't get the friends first thing, either. Back when I was single, I pretty much nodded, smiled, and started backing away from any guy who said he wanted to be friends first. Friends I had, as others pointed out.

I think my middle ground would be 3 dates. If nothing has happened sexually by then, consider it a dud and move on.
 
#24 ·
From my limited understanding, limited reading and limited experience in this matter, when most women say they "want to be friends first", it only means they are not into you! Your chemistry does not ignite their interest. Perhaps you're not alpha enough, or hot enough, or rich enough, or too nice! Whatever it is, I believe this is a woman's way of not being into the man she "wants to be friends with" first. She simply was not knocked off her socks yet. If she was she wouldn't want to be friends first. That's just my take.
 
#25 ·
My wife once told me that she was not physically attracted to me (many years after we were married). What attracted her was the ambition, intelligence, humor, spiritual.

I didn't date anyone unless I thought they were physically attractive.

I mention this just suggesting that the first impression may give way to other things.
 
#30 ·
Many men have no trouble "dating" a woman with a high number.

That doesn't mean that they want to marry such a woman.

So if you are a woman who wants to get married, having a high number is likely to be a problem.

If you just want to have fun, not so much.
 
#32 ·
Are you willing to provide results of a recent STD test on the first date? Cause that's the only way you'd be in my bed by the third. And anyone who doesn't ask for one in exchange is a fool.

Personally I'm not going to sleep with a guy until I know him well enough to believe that he's not already married, a drug user, or an unemployed loser living in mommy's basement at 45 years old. Or only after me to get access to my kids. After what my husband put me through I just don't trust that easily anymore. And I personally can't do sex without trust. Guess I'm old fashioned that way.
 
#34 ·
I have thought about this a bit as I am aging and my husband's health is not great, wondering what would I do in the dating world if I lost him, as I love being in a relationship. I have conflicting thoughts:

1. Like you say, no sex when you're over 45 seems a bit silly unless you're very religious, in which case you're probably trying to date others of the same beliefs.

2. However, my biggest past regret from relationships was how fast I slept with a guy I was attracted to, and then, since I'm "not a *****!" I was stuck in a relationship with him, unable to explore other possibilities.

3. Also how I felt I had no value to a man unless I was sleeping with him, so I never held out for someone who really cared about me as very special, worth a little wait.

4. How many times was I head over heels for some guy the first few dates only to start to realize what a bad fit we were a month or two after we'd started having sex?

So my current thought is, that:

1. Yeah, we'd have to be close enough that we both knew we wanted a monogamous relationship with each other before I'd have sex. If he doesn't want exclusivity, I don't want to be having sex with him.

2. It takes some time to get to know someone that well. I would not say "friends first" like I expect some guy to be my platonic bestie for years first, but I need time to get to know each other decently.

3. I would want the man to pursue me and that means him paying for some things, but if I'm insisting on taking it slow, I would also be happy to pay for some things, go dutch, or do inexpensive things.

4. I guess if I'm keeping my options open, I have to accept he may be sleeping with someone else while he gets to know me better. Hmmmm....
 
#35 ·
Since there is a crazy increase in STD's lately (particularly chlamydia) , I would hope that you would get to know someone, at least a little, before jumping into bed with them.

Many (good god, not all) men don't respect women that jump into bed with them quickly. That's known by almost (almost....) everyone. It's even been brought up on TAM numerous times. So, knowing that, why would a woman do that if she is looking for a long term relationship? I could see if it was just a FWB type situation or a ONS, but if someone is looking for long term, they shy back a little to see if it's worth "putting out" for.

I didn't sleep with my H for 3 months. I wanted to....really bad. Once I did, I didn't get off of him, ever. Lol. Just because i didn't sleep with him for the first 3 months didn't mean that I was LD - I took care of myself daily during that time. It didn't mean that I wasn't into him, because I very much was. It was me, trying to make better decisions in my life. I wanted to have fun, but be careful about it and I didn't want to be used like a $2.00 h00ker on the street. We're married now. It's sucks, I feel used by him now. But at least I didn't feel like a wh*re then. Doesn't mean I will just go out and sleep with someone immediately either if I divorce. I would wait again. If a guy can't handle that, he can move on. I know I'm a good woman. It would be his loss. I just so happened to find someone that doesn't appreciate that.
 
#42 ·
With such statistics, I wonder why many men still go on line date sites n try to pick women up for quick sex, some suggesting like meet for coffee n see if we like to proceed - for sex.

Some try to be nice n ask about your well being n your children and when I state point blank to them that I am not up for casual sex and they went MIA.

Gosh, it just makes me wonder do all these men prowling for free sex have some kind of STD.
 
#43 ·
With such statistics, I wonder why many men still go on line date sites n try to pick women up for quick sex...
Most of them probably don't even THINK about the potential consequences. They also figure that if they use a condom, they're "safe" from becoming infected. This is FALSE. While the use of condoms DOES reduce the risk of becoming infected (or infecting someone else), it doesn't ELIMINATE the risk altogether. For example: If you're a man who has a cold sore (a.k.a. herpes) on his lips, and you perform oral sex on a woman, you can pass on herpes to her genitals. The virus can take several weeks before symptoms are even present, but the woman can pass it on to someone else through intercourse.

A lot of men also believe they're invincible; that it "won't happen to them". Plus, a number of men are still ignorant as to the health hazards of unprotected intercourse with a new partner. (which kind of make monogamy look a whole lot better these days!)

Gosh, it just makes me wonder do all these men prowling for free sex have some kind of STD
I'm sure quite a number of them do. But since a few STD's have no symptoms, they wouldn't have any cause for alarm. Also, some of the symptoms can be so mild, that they write it off to 'something else'.

There ARE men and women out there who, even if they exhibited some symptoms and knew what it was, they would STILL continue to have sex and not even inform the other person!

So much for feeling any responsibility toward other people...:frown2:
 
#45 ·
I just don't want a friend for a lover. friends are for fishing and helping fix things etc.

I want a lover, passion someone I'm compatible in the sack with. If you don't give head or like it from behind once in awhile . or care what I like sexually then the whole relationship isn't worth it.

love doesn't conquer all.
 
#46 ·
I've never actually dated anyone long term that wasn't a friend first. Wanting to be friends first doesn't mean there is no attraction. It means I need to know if I actually LIKE this person that I'm attracted to, and that we have enough in common to want to get into a relationship that would lead to sex.

Sex first often precludes becoming friends because you've already had too much physical intimacy before developing any emotional intimacy - that can create a situation where you essentially meet to have sex instead of actually dating to get to know each other and fall in love.

Sex first also creates a situation where you have no idea if the guy you're with wants a relationship or just sex.

If a guy doesn't want to know me as a human being before having sex with me, they can move on.
 
#55 ·
For a man, I'm probably in the minority, but I want to get to know the lady I'm dating rather well, before I ever get the urge to remove our clothes, get her totally worked up and out of breath, and make her holler and scream!
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#56 ·
For a man, I'm probably in the minority, but I want to get to know the lady I'm dating rather well, before I ever get the urge to remove our clothes, get her totally out of breath and make her holler and scream!
If this is true.. I'm not quite getting why you gave Chilly a like on his Opening post.. as basically he was saying how stupid it is to have such an Urge.. and not get on with it- pretty much immediately... just ripping each others clothes right off...
 
#60 ·
Good point, and when you're on a dating site looking at a stranger's words - what does "friend's first" even mean to that person?

It might mean they'll sleep with you after 2 dates if they find you exceptionally, er, friendly... or it might mean they expect you to attend co-ed baby showers and play charades with them and their friends for a couple years before anything sexual...

I think I would take "friends first" just to mean this lady is not interested in being someone's casual sex F_ck buddy. As long as they say they are looking for something romantic ultimately. Then meet them and get to know them and you'll figure the rest out pretty fast.
 
#63 ·
If I had to be out there again to date, I would be very suspicious of a guy who says "friends first."

I go by what is happening. If
1. I am spending more and more of my free time with this guy
2. he bristles when I am not available
3. asks ever more personal questions about me (I realise now that when I and my husband were dating, he asked me how much money I make which was a question that his "special friend" put him up to ask)
4. wants to know more about the other people I go out with, especially other guys......


well, he is not much of a friend.

One problem that we have in this society is the blurring of relationship boundaries. And some people are very good at getting the best out of it. For the rest of us, we need to be careful.

One problem that comes out of this, is that the more time we spend with "Friends First" the more we may miss opportunities with other people. It's quite often that just being seen together whether alone or with others gives the impression that you're on a date with this person and therefore, unavailable.
 
#64 ·
This might offend some (not my intention) but when a woman tells a guy she wants to be friends, it really means she wants a girlfriend, with better, truer insight into men, that can empathize with her and her feelings ("validate me").

Constable Odo calls a male friend to a woman an "emotional tampon," and although crude, I agree with his assessment. That's because in my younger days I wanted and enjoyed lots of male friends and they served that express purpose. My mind had decided they were "just friends" and just "got me" so it was OK, even when I was married. Constable Odo was on the other side in his life once or twice and had female friends that kept him in orbit, until he wisened to it. Make no mistake, he admits he stayed friends hoping for more. He is male, after all! [emoji1]

I kept a lot of men from making their girlfriend their main focus, and in a twisted way I even enjoyed knowing I could keep them interested enough to monopolize their time. It sickens me now, but at the time I was younger and didn't know half of what I know now. I didn't have a good female role model tell me and teach me about inappropriate behavior and relationships. I learned by creating my own mess that I had to crawl out of... A much tougher and lasting method of learning.
 
#70 ·
Your candor and honesty speaks sheer volumes, M'dear! But unlike many others, you've brought home a very valuable lesson from your experiences!
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