I don't want my wife to be upset

Mr_brown · 10-17-2011, 11:52 AM

I attempt to love my wife the way I best know how, little gestures, touch, favors, presents, conversations, and extra household duties in order to take things off her plate, how do I start the conversation to let her know my needs aren't being met without her feeling inadequate? I love my wife and I know she loves me, I don't want her to take the conversation the wrong way. I want her to understand that this conversation and the results will strengthen our bond!

I want to take our relationship to the next level but when I have attempted this conversation in the past she takes it as something is wrong and I feel like we can have a more fulfilling love for one another?

Thanks

Mindful Coach · 10-17-2011, 11:55 AM

Make it a positive request. "Honey, I don't know if I've ever told you this or not, but I would really love it if this happened or that happened". That makes it all about you and how you feel, she won't feel as defensive that way. Start with small requests and work up to the bigger ones and make sure she knows how much you appreciate it when she gives you whatever it is that you are looking for.

Mr_brown · 10-17-2011, 12:02 PM

I started by asking her what she needs in the relationship... If she thought anything was missing or if her needs weren't being met and then an anxiety comes over her like she thinks she isn't as wonderful as I tell her she is! I just know what we are capable of and I would like for us to have that!

nice777guy · 10-17-2011, 03:58 PM

Take a look around the Men's Clubhouse. You sound like a "Nice Guy." Not an insult - but also not a compliment.

Its totally normal and acceptable to make your own needs known and even expect your spouse to make some effort at meeting those needs.

Nice Guys often do all they can to make others happy, expecting or hoping that the "favors" or whatever will be returned. But unless you speak up - you may just end up angry and frustrated.

Entropy3000 · 10-17-2011, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nice777guy

Take a look around the Men's Clubhouse. You sound like a "Nice Guy." Not an insult - but also not a compliment.

Its totally normal and acceptable to make your own needs known and even expect your spouse to make some effort at meeting those needs.

Nice Guys often do all they can to make others happy, expecting or hoping that the "favors" or whatever will be returned. But unless you speak up - you may just end up angry and frustrated.

Yes. This.

Also look into doing His Needs Her Needs and Married Man Sex Life

Indeed though sounds like Nice Guy syndrome.

Mr_brown · 10-17-2011, 04:41 PM

I was kind of disappointed that the ”book” you are referring to isn't available on nook..., I'm waiting for it to show up now! And looking forward to it!

SimplyAmorous · 10-17-2011, 04:47 PM

Taken from Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books

Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item of coarse.

Quote:

Nice Guys are Givers

Nice Guys fix & Caretake

Nice Guys seek approval from others

Nice Guys avoid Conflict

Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws & mistakes

Nice Guys seek the "right" way to do things

Nice Guys REPRESS their feelings

Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers

Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority

Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center

There is problems with each one of those -the motivation behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life.

Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...

Quote:

Nice guys can be Dishonest, secretive, compartmentalized, manipulative, controlling, they give to get, passive aggressive, some are full of rage, additive, have difficulty setting boundaries, frequently isolated, often attracted to people & situations that need fixing, frequently have problems in intimate relationships, have issues with sexuality, usually only relatively successful .

Of coarse those are not true for every Nice guy, my husband fit 4 of those plus a few we considered halfs in his case.

Good book, it will make many things clear to you to help you on your way to 1st - Win her RESPECT & this should lead to MORE sexual attraction, if that is the area you feel you are lacking in, I assume.

Mr_brown · 11-02-2011, 12:13 PM

Posted this on another blog figured I'd share it here... I read the book about three weeks ago and the biggest change I've made is not whining... When I didn't get what I want I made sure I got things that satisfied me... A night out with friends a purchase I was thinking about for some time. These things helped me prove to myself that I didn't need her to satisfy me. Tonight she made some passes at me and I accepted them and moved on. Didn't take it further. I have been more blunt as to what I expect,(not making little deals in my head if I do xyz then she'll owe me... This only leads to frustration)seams as if both of us are happier so far like I said it's only been three weeks but so far a good start... Just need to stick to my NMMNG guns! ThanksTAM!

Mindful Coach · 11-02-2011, 02:49 PM

Awesome! Keep up the good work.