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Trust is gone and so is attraction

1K views 5 replies 4 participants last post by  cons 
#1 ·
I have been with my husband since I was 17. We have been through so much in this 12 years and have been able to overcome it all. But I'm having a really hard time this time around. He has relapsed multiple times throughout our relationship, I have stayed clean the last 10 years. This time around I was done with his bullsh*t. I found out so much he had lied about. This happened about 3-4 months ago, the trust is gone. He's been trying so hard to do everything right, but it's like to little, to late.
The love is still there and we have kids together, I want this to work. But trust is everything to me. Because that is gone, I am no longer attracted to him. I kinda have sex with as a chore because I know it's a human need. But I don't enjoy it and I'm always mentally somewhere else. He's caught on and we have both become miserable. I'm angry, it's been building up over the years. I don't want to hurt him, Im just kinda lost at this point.
I just want us to be ok. Advice...please..
 
#5 ·
I've thought about kicking him out, but I doubt he'd get out. My kids are 6 and 8, they have no clue any things going on. We rarely fight, and when we do, the kids are sleeping or in school. So I can't imagine how badly that would affect them. But on the other hand if I let things go, something much worse could happen...super confusing
 
#6 ·
LR-

Are you and your husband a part of a recovery community? It may help for each of you to work on yourselves and then the counselor can help you work on your relationship.
It sounds like your husband is still being driven by his addictive behaviors. Even in trying to become sober...he's doing the "try harder...try harder...give up..." method. One of the hardest things is being transparent...Revealing the shame...even to one's spouse (ESPECIALLY to one's spouse)...

LR- your husband's relapses aside (and all of the lies that go along with that)....what do you choose? If you don't want to give up yet on your marriage...then be ALL IN in the rebuilding...then allow your husband to make his choice.
If he chooses to only have one foot in on rebuilding your relationship...that is not enough...he is telling you he doesn't want to give up his vice (even for his family)...
I know it hurts soooo bad that something could have so much power over someone...it's not fair...
But your children will know that boundaries are important. Boundaries (although they may appear as punishment) are truly loving limits.

If you decide that you need to end the marriage. Don't think of it as breaking up a family, but rather that you are protecting and loving all of the people involved (including your husband).
 
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