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Old 04-23-2012, 11:09 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

Wow......wandering back in here after so long......

I suppose that dredging up old posts is a forum "no-no" but this is the background to my current dilemma.

I am still in love with this man, and the pain I go through (put myself through) over losing him is killing me.

I last spoke with him in January of this year. I admit that the rare times we talked, I always ended up pissing him off somehow or another. Mainly because more and more came out as we talked, and I realized this whole "relationship" thing we had was a lie from the beginning. He was playing games with my heart, and once he "had" it, he got bored and moved on. He says that wasn't the case, but I can't see how it couldn't be. He contradicted himself a number of times, and now looking back on things, there was a LOT of incredibly selfish comments and actions on his part even when things between us were "good."

I assume he's still with the person he "left" me for. I have no way of knowing. We have long since quit being FB friends.

But MY GOODNESS how long am I going to hurt myself over him? I miss what I thought I had with him. I've dated two dozen men since him and not a one has even come close. I'm still not looking for an instant relationship, but am very open to developing one. It just hasn't happened. Most of these guys have been very funny, sincere, charming, etc., but I can't seem to trust.

I had a connection with this guy that I can't explain. I have had "chemistry" (for lack of a better word) with others before, but we were so in tune with each other that we could almost finish each others sentences from the first time we met. The very first night we spent together, at least twice during the night we would semi-awaken at the exact same time.....neither of us stirred......but we would open our eyes and SEE each other there. It was one of the most amazing experiences ever to feel that connected to someone....

As crazy and obsessed as I sound, trust me, I am MUCH better than I used to be. I no longer struggle with the urge to text, call, or email every day. I still think about him every day though, and my eyes "leak" at least a drop or two just about every day over the loss of what we had. I'm tired of it. I KNOW I'm doing it to myself, I just want it to end.

The last time we talked ended badly, I know he will probably never speak to me again.

I just want this to go away. I'm tired of it.
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Old 04-24-2012, 08:42 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Any one have any advice for a broken hearted fool?

It isn't a matter of knowing what I should do. I know i need to let this go. I just dont know how to do it.
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:19 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

You may have had a connection with him but he didn't have one with you which is why he wasn't receptive to you when you said you liked him.

Move on. Time and no contact are the only way to heal your heart.

In the future, you need to learn to disentangle yourself QUICKLY From someone once they let ya know they're not as into you as you are into them. Because anything else is emotional suicide.

Fall back and carry on.
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Old 04-24-2012, 11:50 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Well, here's my update. I just flippin got dumped. He told me he loved me Friday morning and then found a new love over the weekend. Now who's the one who has issues? He's madly in love with this person the same way he was madly in love with me less than a month ago. Is it really so bad to guard your heart a little and get to know a person before you declare you are madly in love with them? I don't love flippantly. Now I'm the one who is hurting. Life is going to turn me cynical after all.
How do you know he was telling the whole truth. Maybe he had been dating her longer than that. Or maybe he knew her through other means, church, work, social circles, so have known her for a long time and started to see her romantically......at a time when you dumped him.

I'm starting to see patterns in today's dating which is why this message board exists....because while dating has changed, the essence of a married relationship has not.

You told this guy that you were not ready for something serious. Wow, haven't I read that somewhere before. My bf was caught up in a relationship like that before he met me.....Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex....

Then when my bf lessened his contact with her she became more ardent and particularly so after he told her that he started dating someone else.......actually about 4 weeks after our first date to be exact (so after 6 dates and the first time that we had sex). Could your guy have been sitting on the same kind of info.

This woman then tried to present herself as just a friend and than as just a confidant to be able to spend more time with him particularly while I was away.

So this woman "who was not looking for anything serious" and who also told him that she was doing OLD, then decided to accuse him of leading her on; and when that didn't work, decided to tell my bf about a guy with whom she had been on 2 dates who was by then "really into her." She suggested that my bf and she should get back together again so that she won't lead this guy on. And then of course, she attacked me directly by advising my bf to drop me because, in her opinion, our relationship was not advancing quickly enough........

In some ways, your relationship hit a raw nerve with me. Had you noticed that this guy was calling you less and therefore, you became more interested in him? Maybe something you neglected to tell us? Were you perhaps noticing things on his FB wall that made you think you were missing something?

****I miss what I thought I had with him. I've dated two dozen men since him and not a one has even come close.****

All I can say is, wow.......You managed to find time to date 24 different men.......in how many months was that? Maybe you should spend time just developing friendships and a social circle. And to be on the safe side, try to developing friendships with other women.
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Old 04-24-2012, 11:53 AM   #35 (permalink)
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He gave you time - sounds like you may now have to give him time.

Just keep doing what you're doing - my opinion. If its meant to be - his feelings for you will come back.
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Old 04-24-2012, 02:51 PM   #36 (permalink)
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I guess leaving small details out for sake of space makes a difference. This man practically worshipped me. H told me he loved me dearly and was willing to wait on me to "give myself to him." We talked and texted constantly, nothing increased after he dropped me. He was talking to this gal on the side during the last couple of weeks, but it after i told him that i did love him. I told him that i loved him about two weeks before he met this girl.

So i wasnt under the illusion that this guy liked me, he told me he loved me. He was just going too fast at the time (talking about having more kids within a month of meeting kinda fast!)

But ultimately i guess i bought into the fact that he loved me. I never "dumped" him, afte i told him to slow down i basically meant that he needed to quit throwing things at me like marriage and children.....we were BOTH less than 2 months into separations from 10+ year marriages.

Its over and done with. Im pretty sure i ruined any chances that we will ever have anything between us ever again. And with the selfishness i saw after the fact (when the rose colored glasses came off) i dont really want to get back with him.

But i still hurt over the whole thing. I hurt over the loss of how he made me feel, what he made me believe, and what we might have had with each other if he had been truthful. I know im doing it to myself, but for somereaon i cant let it go. Thats my problem.
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:11 PM   #37 (permalink)
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And I was exaggerating about 24 people I have reallyt only seen about 8. Most of them were very nice men. I am still friends with many of them. But there is no chemistry.
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:14 PM   #38 (permalink)
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And I was exaggerating about 24 people I have reallyt only seen about 8. Most of them were very nice men. I am still friends with many of them. I But there is no chemistry.
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<<sigh>> So on another thread a few moments from now where relevant, you will be crowing about all the great male friends you have.
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:42 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Um......huh?

Look, i am genuinely looking for help here. Everyone preaches how unhealthy jumping from relationship to relationship is. So i tried to prevent a "relationship" from happening with this guy. He pushed and pushed, and i fell for him despite my best efforts to not. I didnt want to get hurt again so soon after my husband left me and the kids.

But oh well, i guess some of us are too stupid for help....
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:46 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Um......huh?

Look, i am genuinely looking for help here. Everyone preaches how unhealthy jumping from relationship to relationship is. So i tried to prevent a "relationship" from happening with this guy. He pushed and pushed, and i fell for him despite my best efforts to not. I didnt want to get hurt again so soon after my husband left me and the kids.

But oh well, i guess some of us are too stupid for help....
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This is why you shore up your relationships with your family members and long time friends. Becoming "friends" with men you just recently met and went on date with doesn't sound all that stable either.
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:49 PM   #41 (permalink)
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By the way, my husband has been out of the picture for a year and this guy and i have been "over" for 6the months. Aside from the couple of guys ive dated, there has been no relationship to speak of. i still dont know if i feel "ready" for a relationship or not. But im open to see. Ive spent a lot of time soul searching and doing my best to increase my self worth. But this situation still plagues me....even though i know i need to let it go....
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:50 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Well, thank you.....that was definitely a more constructive comment.
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