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Old 10-18-2011, 03:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just friends? Or not? Update top pg 3

I have been "seeing" a guy for several months now. Both of us are not long out of our previous long term relationships, and I made it clear from the beginning that I wanted to take things slow and "just be friends."

He agreed at first, but I had to get upset with him on two separate occasions because he was pushing so hard for a "relationship." He is super sweet, loving, caring, funny, sensitive, and basically an all around great person. But I was still dealing with getting over my previous relationship and had hangups. After this most recent "getting onto him about slowing things down" he did just that, which was wonderful.

Fast forward about a month, and lo and behold, I'm starting to get real feelings for him. I'm scared of them, because I was burned pretty badly in my last relationship. But they are there and I can't deny myself them.

I finally opened up and told him about them a couple days ago. I thought he would be happy, because that's what he's been asking me for. And wouldn't you know it.......he says he doesn't know what he feels.

He says he still loves me, and still feels "in love" with me, but he thinks I don't have my heart in my feelings. I asked him what I could do to show him and he said he couldn't tell me because then he would know I was just going through the motions.

I REALLY feel for him and can see us having a future together. Things are a little crazy as far as our situations both go (it would have to be a LDR for the time being, and I HATE those....but he's worth it.) But now I'm scared that I've waited too long, messed things up between us, etc. I don't want to lose him as a friend or a companion, or a lover either.....because to be honest, he's the only man I have ever met that is wonderful at all 3.

I can't read his mind though.......and this is the first time the entire time we've known each other that our communication is lacking. We've both said we never want that to be a problem because it played a major role in both our previous relationships crumbling.

Advice? Please? I'm at a loss!

Last edited by GA HEART; 04-23-2012 at 10:14 PM.
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

He gave you time - sounds like you may now have to give him time.

Just keep doing what you're doing - my opinion. If its meant to be - his feelings for you will come back.
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

Get serious!
You told him twice, in no uncertain terms to back off and he honored your request. Now that YOU all of a sudden have feelings, you expect him to just "turn" his back on?

Why is it your decision, not his, and not the both of you?
Right now you look wishy washy and flaky.
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

Get serious!
You told him twice, in no uncertain terms to back off and he honored your request. Now that YOU all of a sudden have feelings, you expect him to just "turn" his back on?

Why is it your decision, not his, and not the both of you?
Right now you look wishy washy and flaky.
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Old 10-18-2011, 04:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

Ouch Dan. I've talked to him and told him that I obviously will give him time because I definitely owe him that. I'm not wishy washy nor flaky, because I told him from the beginning I needed TIME to develop those feelings, but I could definitely see them developing. And I've told him time and time again that his wants and needs are just as important as mine. I appreciate your viewpoint, but you could have been a little less......harsh.....

Thanks Niceguy. I really do like this man a lot, and he will get time if that's what he needs and wants. I could see a future between us and I never want to hurt him. He's a dear friend of mine above all else.
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Old 10-18-2011, 07:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

Just like your thread heading --- Go rent this movie together , kick back and have a few laughs while you struggle through this. This movie has all of your issues in it.

Amazon.com: Just Friends: Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Faris, Chris Klein, Chris Marquette, Giacomo Beltrami, Fred Ewanuick, Amy Matysio, Julie Hagerty, Wendy Anderson, Barry Flatman, Devyn Burant, Roger Kumble, Bill Johnson, Cale Boyter, Chris Ben
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Old 10-18-2011, 07:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
Ouch Dan. I've talked to him and told him that I obviously will give him time because I definitely owe him that. I'm not wishy washy nor flaky, because I told him from the beginning I needed TIME to develop those feelings, but I could definitely see them developing. And I've told him time and time again that his wants and needs are just as important as mine. I appreciate your viewpoint, but you could have been a little less......harsh.....

Thanks Niceguy. I really do like this man a lot, and he will get time if that's what he needs and wants. I could see a future between us and I never want to hurt him. He's a dear friend of mine above all else.
You remind me of me in my current relationship.

My girlfriend and I have been been hurt in the past. We were just friends by way of a website for about 2 years before we ever actually talked directly to each other.

She contacted me first, and was the one who was pushing for something between us. At first it actually made me uncomfortable, because I wasn't ready for what she wanted.

After about 6 months, it reversed. Since that time, I have been 100% ready to be with her completely. She was a little leery after having been put off a bit by me when she tried to make it more serious.

We finally got to the "same place" after a little time. I just took into account that I owed her the same time she gave me, and I had to let her see that I was indeed serious about her and wasn't going to change my mind at a moment's notice.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You just had to experience this relationship at a slightly different pace than this man. I think if you are patient it'll work out just fine. He may just need to have his pride restored a bit.
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Old 10-18-2011, 07:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
Ouch Dan. I've talked to him and told him that I obviously will give him time because I definitely owe him that. I'm not wishy washy nor flaky, because I told him from the beginning I needed TIME to develop those feelings, but I could definitely see them developing. And I've told him time and time again that his wants and needs are just as important as mine. I appreciate your viewpoint, but you could have been a little less......harsh.....
I don't do "less harsh".
You're messing with this guy's head and it's not right.
Did you ever stop and think that maybe you are developing "feelings" because you've rebuked him twice and subconsciously, you are thinking that he might "get away"? Therefore all sudden, you want him (safety net) until you really figure it out. Then he gets dumped.

High school is over.
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Old 10-18-2011, 08:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

Wow, who pissed in your cheerios, Dan? Your cynicism is not amusing to me, and probably not others as well. I'm certainly not into head games, and have actually considered what you are implying just to make sure that was NOT the case. It isn't. You don't know me well enough to imply that I am immature, but thanks anyway.

SA - Thanks for the link! I will have to check it out. He isn't into movies, but I will watch it! LOL!

Soccer - Glad to hear that I'm not alone! I'm also glad to hear that you and yours have gotten to the same point now. I have all the time in the world for this man, I guess I just needed to hear that it might not be a lost cause. Thanks for your advice!
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Old 10-18-2011, 09:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

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Wow, who pissed in your cheerios, Dan? Your cynicism is not amusing to me, and probably not others as well. I'm certainly not into head games, and have actually considered what you are implying just to make sure that was NOT the case. It isn't. You don't know me well enough to imply that I am immature, but thanks anyway.
I've seen it too many times, GH.
If I am wrong, let me know in six months and you will get a profound and heartfelt apology from me.
If my blunt comments make you think, then I have accomplished what I set out to.
Look at my other posts on this board. My heart is as big as the sky, but I don't beat around the bush. If I decipher something from the posts on this board, I let it out.
IMO, too many people in LIFE are so worried about hurting someone else's feelings that they will refrain from telling the truth and/or calling people out. I don't have that problem.
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Old 10-18-2011, 09:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

You now feel the same way he did when you did this to him.

I honestly don't know why he gave you the opportunity to do this twice to him. TBH, if I was rejected once by someone I'd move on.

But, like others have said - you have to give him time. He has probably pulled his emotions, slowly, out of the relationship because he has already been rejected twice.
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Old 10-18-2011, 09:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
Wow, who pissed in your cheerios, Dan? Your cynicism is not amusing to me, and probably not others as well. I'm certainly not into head games, and have actually considered what you are implying just to make sure that was NOT the case. It isn't. You don't know me well enough to imply that I am immature, but thanks anyway.
GA - I don't get the feeling that Dan was trying to be amusing. When people speak from experience, there is often a lot of emotion attached. And sadly - you hang around here enough - you see a LOT of repeating patterns that can trigger such a response in people.

Don't ignore the message simply because you didn't like the way it was delivered...
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Old 10-19-2011, 08:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

I'm not ignoring advice, I truly appreciate it. And I'm also ok with direct and to the point advice, but there are those who use the "I'm a no-nonsense type" excuse to just plain be mean. And I'm not cool with that, never have been.

Dan - I really appreciate your most recent post. Because it is honest, direct, to the point, and not filled with venom like your first two. Name calling hurts, and is not necessary to get your point across. So thank you for leaving that out.

I will update in 6 months.

Although, would anyone's opinion's change if I said that both of us are literally less than 6 months into a separation from our 10 year+ marriages and not divorced yet? Yes, both of our marriages are over and divorce is eminent. And yes, that means that we started talking about a month after we were separated from our previous spouses. Both of those spouses threw us out, we did not choose the separation. We found comfort in our friendship and it developed into more. Just how much more is yet to be determined.

I feel that neither of us are really ready for a "relationship" which is why I've been balking. Both of us still have feelings for our ex's. Although, really, who am I to say if he is ready or not? *I'M* the one who has said I wasn't ready. He apparently was.

Bottom line is I care very deeply and love this man. I haven't fallen "in love" because honestly I'm scared to. My head is overruling my heart. Because I know the "in love" is there. I can feel it. But all the logical nonsense is getting in the way: "It's too soon, I can't move closer to him right now and don't want a LDR, I'm scared to get my kids involved, I'M STILL MARRIED, etc."

So there is the full dilemma.
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Old 10-19-2011, 09:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

You're still married...

Stop dating.
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Old 10-20-2011, 05:33 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just friends? Or not?

Just keep spending time together, stop talking about "the essence of your relationship" and deep stuff, just get back to where you were before - if it's going to happen it's going to happen - sounds like he tried to force it first, then you did - just both of you calm down and don't over-think it! Good luck.
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