General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
I am not a clean freak or have any neatness diseases. All I like is to have a tidy organized house. It is our home and you would think you would want your home to look nice and be proud of it but I she does not care. I am the only one that keeps up with the house. My wife thinks that if she puts away dishes in the dishwasher that means the house is clean. Laundry will pile up, papers will pile up, dust will pile up and well everything else. I feel I do way more than my share and I feel like she takes advantage of it. If I mention to her that I need more help around the house she goes to the extreme of things. Fine, I won't do my cafe mom or I won't go to my therapists. I say to her calm down I just need help. All I am asking is if she can maybe do the dusting or clean the carpet or the laundry room. Yet, she never does. Last night when we were talking she said if it was not for me then I would not do anything that the house would be a mess but I try to do a little bit just to make you happy. What, we purchased a nice house and you don't care to do anything with it. It is so difficult, I mean I have organized her closet for her from A-Z and guess what it looks like a junk yard again. I stack wood 30 face cords of it, then I cleaned the laundry room then I put away clothes I do the finances because she says that stresses her out. I just can't take it and I don't know what to do anymore. I dust the house, I get up on the roof and clean gutters, I mow the lawn, I make the nice dinners, I rake the leaves, I clean the basement and the garage, I change the oil of our cars. I just do it all and I am going to explode.
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
She goes to the extreme because it works.
Stop letting it work. When she throws a fit, just smile, pat her on the shoulder, and say 'I knew you'd understand' and walk away.
And you can't make her care about the house. Some people do, some people don't. What you CAN do is decide what things you can live without getting done, and sit her down and tell her that you expect her to do those things, because you're going to do the other things. If she does them, great; if not, you can live with it. It will reduce your stress level.
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
Now admittedly, my husband does have more than a touch of OCD, which led to a great deal of our division of labor early on. However, over all I would have to say that yes--I don't clean because he will.
Turnera has it spot on--
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And you can't make her care about the house. Some people do, some people don't.
I'm just not a house person. You could buy me the Taj Majal and it means no more or less to me than a condo somewhere. I don't care about paint and wall stuff and all I really want from furniture is for it to be comfy. I'm not much of a homebody...why stay home when you could be doing something productive, is usually my point of view.
Therefore, I do pretty much the bare minimum when I'm there and pretty much what I care most about. I cook, put away laundry and do one of the bathrooms. I guess if you count giving the keys and a check to the concierge desk at work, I do change my own oil though!
My husband takes on the brunt of the rest. I pitch in when needed, but overall I've made it very clear that it's just not my talent or my interest and if he wants or needs me to do more, I'm happy to pay someone to come in. It is more than worth it to me to pay Merry Maids.
Maybe that's what you should propose. If she doesn't wish to contribute by doing x, y and/or z....then she is welcome to use some of her cafe mom/ therapy/ other money to bring in someone to take care of those basics once or twice a month. Let her decide how she wants to get it done....
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
I hate cleaning, but i do it anyway... I am a stay at home mom and really have nothing better to do during the day then clean it. With a toddler running around it never stays clean for long... toys everywhere. Granted my house isn't immaculate or anything, but it is clean.
I do everything around the house with no help so i know how you feel.
She does this because she knows you will do it. Does she work?
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
Hi, You said your wife had depression on another thread. Did she become like this after the depression? Is it possible for you to encourage her to come up with a chart for household chores? You can do together and let her choose 30% of the work that she likes to do for a start and then slowly increase it, I know this will sound childish but it worked for us. she need to get into the mood of cleaning or doing something productive to beat that depression. sitting at home doing nothing is only going to make it worst. Don't let this go on its not good for both of you. If she agrees you need to follow up and ensure that its done regularly and make it into a routine. Tell her that if she wants to get better she must work with you and that you are doing this to pull her out of this depression.
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
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Originally Posted by COGypsy
I'm not much of a homebody...why stay home when you could be doing something productive, is usually my point of view.
I am the total opposite, but I think a lot of it has to do with we have no extra income, well we do to an extent, but I'm always saying to my H that I'd rather buy something nice for the house rather than blow it on meals or drinks out. Maybe not a healthy approach because I do know we need to get out once in a blue moon. But I love my house and I just love being there.
As for cleaning, I recognize sometimes that because I know my H will do something, I just don't do it. But then usually within a half hour or so, I'll wind up doing it myself because I feel guilty for feeling that way. We have a nice division of household responsibilities going on... It certainly hasn't always been that way, only in the last year or so (Dec will be our 5 yr anniversary).
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
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Originally Posted by Cherry
I am the total opposite, but I think a lot of it has to do with we have no extra income, well we do to an extent, but I'm always saying to my H that I'd rather buy something nice for the house rather than blow it on meals or drinks out. Maybe not a healthy approach because I do know we need to get out once in a blue moon. But I love my house and I just love being there.
As for cleaning, I recognize sometimes that because I know my H will do something, I just don't do it. But then usually within a half hour or so, I'll wind up doing it myself because I feel guilty for feeling that way. We have a nice division of household responsibilities going on... It certainly hasn't always been that way, only in the last year or so (Dec will be our 5 yr anniversary).
My husband is a lot more of a homebody too--he's the one that's always puttering or fixing something up or getting some new doo-dad. It's a total role reversal on that front! Which is really funny since he's this totally conservative, former Marine, ex-bodybuilder, car-fixing/racing/clubbing, hunting, shooting, cigar-chomping tough guy!
It took us a while to figure out the balance too. The first year was pretty hard with him going back over whatever I would try to pitch in and do, so that it would be done the "right" way. That's a big part of why I don't do more. It wasn't ever worth my time to do it if it was just going to be done again because I didn't get the lines in the carpet "right".
And while I do enjoy spending time with my friends and going out for dinner or drinks, I also really love my work (most days, lol!) and the volunteering I do. My parents have had some health issues lately, so I've been going back and forth to their house to help out from time to time. We don't have kids, so I don't have that responsibility and can devote my time to these other interests. My husband and I are both pretty independent, so it works out for us pretty well
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
My mother had four children and our house was always spotless. She also worked full time.
I suppose that is why I don't understand when people use one child, as an excuse for a dirty house. I had to stop going to this single mom's home because it was unsanitary and smelled like dog pee. Not healthy for her child to be in that environment.
Then again, Mommie Dearest also has severe OCD and would beat the crap out of us if we did not keep the place clean, as soon as we were old enough to help.
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
You had stated your wife had depression in another thread and was on meds. It could be coming from that.
I would say get into some counseling for yourself and learn more about depression and how to deal with a loved one that is suffering from it. You also said how do you deal with and how do you keep it from making you crazy and not leaving. All the more reason to educate yourself more on the issue.
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
I was watching Clean House New York, where the house is filled to the brim with junk and dirt, and the wife said that she was an only child and raised with a nanny AND a maid. She simply never had a single thought her whole life to what it takes to keep a house going.
My DH is the same way. His mom lived in his house when I moved in, and stayed there another four years. When she left, the house fell apart. Little did I know, but she was doing what she always did - following around behind him cleaning in his wake. I married a slob!
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
Now now, don't get all judge-y we call them 'Disorganized-Americans'. In my house a good rule of thumb is if you need to look more than 10 minutes for something, buy a new one. It's gone, man, it's gone.
Re: Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it?
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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog
Now now, don't get all judge-y we call them 'Disorganized-Americans'. In my house a good rule of thumb is if you need to look more than 10 minutes for something, buy a new one. It's gone, man, it's gone.
That's to funny.
Now to just offer a different point of view on husband's who do all the house work.
My ex told everyone he did more than I did. I didn't see it that way. He was so anal retentive he could have been a case study. Add that to his tendency to greatly exaggerate and you have a man who thinks he did everything.
For example, I always loaded the dish washer and ran it late at night. If a dish was used after I turned on the dishwasher I would wash it briefly under the tap and put it in the dish drainer. Many times I would be woke up in the morning with my husband shoving dishes into the cabinets from the dishwasher and proclaiming loudly how tied he was of doing all the dishes and me leaving dishes out for him to take care of.
Also he could never clean just one mess, if our daughter got cookies crumbs in the floor he couldn't just sweep up those crumbs. He had to sweep and sometimes even mop the entire floor, didn't matter if it didn't need it. And he made sure everyone knew what he 'had to do'.
I'm not saying this is what the OP is doing - I'm just throwing it out there as 'the other side of the story'.
Does your wife not clean because she knows you will do it? 
. she need to get into the mood of cleaning or doing something productive to beat that depression. sitting at home doing nothing is only going to make it worst. Don't let this go on its not good for both of you. If she agrees you need to follow up and ensure that its done regularly and make it into a routine. Tell her that if she wants to get better she must work with you and that you are doing this to pull her out of this depression.
