On mothers day my husband and i had an argument. At the time my baby was a week old. My inlaws texted my husband asking if they should stay with us or get a hotel when they came to visit to see the baby. I right away said yes but... I continued to think and talk about it to him outloud. He just heard the yes and texted right away and said yes. I'm nursing my baby and I've been really tired and sleep deprived. I'm the only one who feeds the baby during the day and all night. My husband sleeps through the night not a care in the world. I feel like he really didn't care about how I felt about it having overnight visitors stay with us. I told him i felt manipulated. This led to an argument because he thought that i shouldn't feel that way. He got very upset. I didn't yell at him or call names. We were sitting on the couch talking then he got up stood in front of me and hovered over me while I was nursing the baby and began yelling at me. He was very angry and I thought he may hit me. After he got in my face he took his phone and threw it to the floor. Picked it up and slamed it to the floor again till he destroyed it. He scared me. Then the next day he went and bought a new top of the line phone. I feel like his bad behavior was rewarded with his new phone. He did apologize for acting out like that. He said I was talking to him like he was a child and he couldn't take it anymore. I asked him how was I talking to him like a child? After he smashed his phone I asked him to please leave to go calm down. He said that was an example of me talking to him like he was a child. I told him I was sorry and didn't want to upset him like that. He's been upset before and broke things it's been years since he did this. Even though he apologized I'm still very hurt. I'm having a hard time letting it go. How do we move past this? Please help, he has been being very nice and helpful trying to make up. It's hard to get over him standing over me and my baby with that anger then smashing his phone. Is it me amd my postpartum hormones? I can't stop crying about this. It was the worst 1st Mothers day to have with my new baby. His new phone is a constant reminder of that day and his anger. I don't even know what I did to make him so angry.
Is it me amd my postpartum hormones? I can't stop crying about this. It was the worst 1st Mothers day to have with my new baby. His new phone is a constant reminder of that day and his anger. I don't even know what I did to make him so angry.
He should have never lost his temper, and you do NOT have to forgive him. HE can be the one to learn NOT to act like a child throwing a temper tantrum and be a man.
Forgiveness is more about not taking revenge out on someone. You can forgive him by not wanting to hurt him back for what he did to you.
However, you should not ignore what he did. You were not treating him like a child. What he was doing is called projection. He was projecting onto you what he did. He was acting like a child. Throwing a temper tantrum and causing you to fear is childish and out of control. His behavior is not okay. He was physically violent, even though he didn't touch you. When he acted out physically by throwing and smashing his phone, he was physically violent and threatening. If you had called the police, they would have hauled him away.
His behavior is unacceptable. That's why you can't let it go. Your problem isn't about forgiveness. What you are struggling with is that this issue has not been properly resolved. You apologized for upsetting him, when you are not the one who should have been apologizing. He is the one who should be apologizing to you. I would recommend that you tell him that if he ever does that again, you will press charges against him.
Your husband behaved as a violent and angry man. No wonder you can't let it go. Nor should you.
This has happened before my daughter was born. He punched some holes in the walls and he pushed me. He hasn't had any physical outburst where he broke things I believe for 4 years that I can remember.
After he'd calmed down, I went to him and calmly told him that his actions made me very uncomfortable. He eventually said that he was sorry and ashamed. I just feel like if he was really sorry why didn't hecome to me and apologize? I had to go to him and to try to discuss what happened and try to make up. He said he didn't come to me to apologize because he was ashamed. He said he told me he wouldn't act out like that again and he broke his promise.
It does make sense that he didn't come to you because he was ashamed, but he is letting that shame stop him from doing something to face and resolve whatever causes him to behave that way. He needs to do something about his anger. He has to face it, own it, resolve it. Until you are sure that he is doing that, you will continue to feel the way you do. This is not about forgiveness. This is about you knowing that there is an unresolved problem and you feeling afraid of what might happen next.
He made you feel unsafe. That's not really something you can forgive or something he can take back, no matter how nice he is. A man that can stand over his wife and newborn baby and physically intimidate and threaten with violence through the smashing of objects is not a safe person. A new mother needs a very safe environment. What you are feeling is not because of hormones etc, it's not because you are not forgiving, it comes from your 'old' brain which is right now telling you that he is a threat to the safety of you and your child. That doesn't just go away. He needs to go to anger management therapy.
I’m assuming that your affair had something to do with your husband cheating on you. You basically on upped him. That is revenge. He is now taking it out on you by escalating his anger.
It is understandable that he went ballistic after finding out about your affair, but if that is still causing his anger and acting out, it has to be addressed. Though it is understandable, it is not healthy to act out in violence when one is wronged. It is better to work through it or leave.
You did not choose how your husband was going to respond. He is the one who is letting his anger take hold of him. If his anger is related to the affair, he needs to work through the affair. If he is going to stay with you, the two of you have work to do on your relationship as well. Adultery is a very serious blow to a marriage and has to be addressed or it will never get better. This is also true of your husband’s adultery. That needs to be worked through by both of you.
You and your husband have chosen to reconcile and to add a child to the family. However, you two have not worked through the issues that are causing the underlying problems in your relationship. Things are not going to get better until you do. In the meantime, there is no excuse for him being violent. I am sure neither of you want your child growing up in an angry, violent environment. It is time you take steps to resolving these issues.
I?m assuming that your affair had something to do with your husband cheating on you. You basically on upped him. That is revenge. He is now taking it out on you by escalating his anger.
It is understandable that he went ballistic after finding out about your affair, but if that is still causing his anger and acting out, it has to be addressed. Though it is understandable, it is not healthy to act out in violence when one is wronged. It is better to work through it or leave.
You did not choose how your husband was going to respond. He is the one who is letting his anger take hold of him. If his anger is related to the affair, he needs to work through the affair. If he is going to stay with you, the two of you have work to do on your relationship as well. Adultery is a very serious blow to a marriage and has to be addressed or it will never get better. This is also true of your husband?s adultery. That needs to be worked through by both of you.
You and your husband have chosen to reconcile and to add a child to the family. However, you two have not worked through the issues that are causing the underlying problems in your relationship. Things are not going to get better until you do. In the meantime, there is no excuse for him being violent. I am sure neither of you want your child growing up in an angry, violent environment. It is time you take steps to resolving these issues.
My affair was not out of revenge. It was due to other selfish reasons that I take full responsibility for. I think that there are issues that we've talked about but not really resolved. My husband is a man of few words. I can tell him I feel hurt by this or that and his response would be ok... I expressed to him that he comes off as uncaring. He doesn't ask me questions about myself or my feelings. He says I ask him too many questions. He can go all day or days without saying anything to me and he's totally fine with that. I told him that not speaking to each other makes me uncomfortable. It's like he doesn't even notice that I'm bothered and he doesn't care.. When I tell him how I'm feeling he says either ok or he doesn't say anything at all. I'll ask him if he heard me, he'll say yes and continue with silence unless I start asking him questions. Th Then he gives me two to three word responses. He just seems so uninterested. He becomes frustrated that I'm asking him questions and he'll even get mad.
What makes you think that your husband's angry outburst is due to your adultery?
Have you dealt with what caused your adultery and have you forgiven yourself?
Has your husband always been so distant and uncommunicative?
I can't say that his recent outburst has to do with the affair. When he punched holes in the wall he was upset about the affair. Months later pushed me and that was a result of him being upset about the previous affair too.
The recent outburst was due to our argument and him feeling like I talked to him like a child. I suppose that was his reason.
I'm still dealing with what caused the adultry. I felt inadequate, unappreciated, uninmortant, unheard. I promised that I wouldn't cheat again and I have not. I've been trying to work on communicating my feelings instead of confiding in someone else. My husband says that he knows that he lacks having an emotional connection with me and says he is working on trying to be there for me emotionally. I'm not sure how he's working in it but he says he is. I told him he seems uncaring and lacks empathy. He doesn't understand me and doesn't even ask questions to try to. He says he doesn't know what to ask. I told him he seems cold and he agrees with that.
I hate to say this, but he may have some anger issues regarding the past the two of you have. Your affair and his cheating.
He's kicked your dog and was lucky he didn't hurt him/her. He also got in your face while you were feeding your child.
I think it may be time for a bit of time apart. Him especially to deal with his anger whether it just be spending time alone to deal with it, or going to some therapy as if I were you, I'd be afraid of him.
lots of unresolved anger and resentment issues here.
You've both done a fine job of sweeping them under the rug but if you think they're harmless because they're buried out of sight, you couldn't be more wrong.
Your right about the resentment. I don't think they're harmless though. My husband may feel that way though. I feel like we should talk about our issues, he'd rather not. He'd rather talk about what's for dinner or anything else but resolving our conflict. That's why I'm on here asking for help and he's not.
Do you have resentment that he's not helping you with the baby? You say you're breast feeding and sleep deprived and he's sleeping like a baby. There seem to be a host of things feeding resentment in your life and his.
And I agree with the communication thing. First of all, when his parents texted or called to ask if they could 'stay at your house or get a hotel' and come see the baby, your post indicates you said yes. To what? To staying in the house? To getting a motel room? Could you say, I would love to see your parents and would love for them to see the baby, but it would be so helpful if they got a room. I'm not clear but it sounds like you said 'yes' and he told them they could stay at your house? Or you changed your mind about them coming?
Now, none of that excuses his behavior AT ALL. But if the affairs were rugswept, and now you're exhausted and feel he's not helping with the baby, and he feels you're putting all your time and effort into the baby, and you're conflicted about his parents coming . . .
I think rather than focusing on forgiveness right now, if you want to keep your marriage, you might want to keep doing what you're doing, and identify the potential problems that are contributing to the tension, frustration, anger, and fear in your house. If he won't do that, you may have a decision to make that's more important in the near term than whether you can forgive him, which may be an issue, along with the other things here, for counseling or some form of professional help.
Maybe there is some resentment going on. I guess I really don't feel appreciated more than anything. I said yes to them staying at our house. I said sure I guess but blah blah blah, well I don't know would it be a problem if they could get a room? He said I already texted and told them yes. So we were still discussing it when he had texted and said yes. All he heard me say was yes he said and he thought the conversation was over. He hurried to text and tell them yes before we were even done discussing it. We had this issue with our first child. The inlaws were coming to visit for a few weeks and I told him I'd like for them to get a room and he said I was being selfish and it shouldn't be about only what I want. I told him I didn't want to be smothered by people 24/7 right when I came home with my new baby. He gave me a really hard time about that with our first child. They ended up staying with us. He can't tell them no. Years later he said that he understood how I felt. I guess I still resented him for that too. I felt like he should care more about my comfortability than pleasing others. So when he asked me this time I barley had any sleep and was not really thinking that straight, I think he knew this that's why he just went with the very first word I said even though I was still talking about how I felt about it. This is why I feel manipulated. Trying to identify potential problems in our relationship can come across to him as nagging. It makes me not even want to talk to him about the issues. I really want him to want to talk to me too. I don't want to be the only one wanting to talk. It makes me feel like he doesn't care. Him smashing his phone and getting in my face so angry all over the inlaws coming over just makes me wonder if my trying and trying is even helping.
He heard you say "yes" and ignored what came after because, as you said, he can't tell them no. Since he did that with your first child, it's not surprising he did that this time too. He got a mixed signal from you and he chose to run with the "yes" part of it because he's more interested in pleasing his parents than he is in pleasing you.
I hope he gets those anger issues resolved since there are also two children (and a dog) to consider in this situation.
Ok, aside from the huge domestic violence issue which you really have to deal with and stop making excuses for him, more immediately how to deal with his parents invading your space during these first critical weeks after having your baby -
1. Have your husband have a list of things for them to help with around the house. Cooking meals, window washing, floor washing, yard work, major spring cleaning. All those things too difficult for a recovering mom to do in the first several weeks after giving birth and that your husband hasn't had time to do due to new infant in the house.
2. Have them chasing after and entertaining your 4 year old so you have uninterrupted time with you newborn.
3. Be sure they know they are there to pamper you, help with deep cleaning, and childcare of your 4 year old before they arrive. Be sure your husband communicates this to his parents well before they arrive. He has to be absolutely clear with them that you are not able to entertain guests. They are not there as guests. They are there to help you, the new mom.
4. Take time away from them and sleep whenever you can whether they are up or not. Don't feel like you can't be as you need to be with your new baby. If they are uncomfortable with breastfeeding, let them leave the room. I know with my inlaws they wanted to relegate me to a back room and I did that at their home, but I would not in my own home.
I would not want inlaws in my home just after giving birth. With our 3rd, I ended up with 12 relatives staying in my home (for baby's baptism and our oldest child's birthday) but baby was 6 weeks old. 2 were my sister and my brother (helpful) and 10 were his parents, siblings, their kids (not helpful). It was still very difficult as I felt I had to clean before and I planned meals, cooked, got beds ready, pulled together baptism and birthday party, etc. That was 18 years ago and I still think I must have been crazy to do that!
Does it sound like I'm makung excuses for him?
That's a great list. It'd be nice if my inlaws were coming to help me , they are coming to see the baby. My mother in law actually wants us to drive them all over town looking at houses as they are considering moving here. So no they are not thinking about me. They might actually cook while they are here. My husband telling them what to do is a joke. They tell him what to do, even in our house. I feel like he is more concerned about pleasing them then me. You had 12 staying with you? Wow.
Well, they called to ask if it was OK to stay with you. Why not call them back and tell them that you answered before really thinking about it. With further evaluating and also realizing how it is with the new baby and pre-schooler, you need to discuss some expectations for their visit. Just say you want to be honest and let them know that you are exhausted (make the excuse that you had forgotten since 4 years ago how sleep deprived a mom of a newborn gets). Let them know you are not up to running around, cooking, entertaining. Then ask if they are up to helping with some things if they are going to stay with you. That opens the door to giving them your list without seeming like you are being a *****! If they take it badly, then they are unreasonable.
And let your husband entertain them, cook for them, haul them around if they expect all that. He may not be able to tell them what to do but that doesn't mean you have to go along with their plans. Just practice saying before they come "you all go ahead and do what you want. I am focusing on the baby." And "go right ahead and cook whatever you want. If you need anything, the closet grocery store is at xyz." "I'm not feeling like doing such and such, but you all go ahead. I'm going to spend this time focusing on the new baby." "Feel free to go see houses. I'm going to stay here and rest with the baby." You can be pleasant but don't let them pressure you to do anything with them or for them. And don't feel guilty at all!
He got very upset. I didn't yell at him or call names. We were sitting on the couch talking then he got up stood in front of me and hovered over me while I was nursing the baby and began yelling at me. He was very angry and I thought he may hit me. After he got in my face he took his phone and threw it to the floor. Picked it up and slamed it to the floor again till he destroyed it. He scared me.
Well 5 1/2 years ago I did do something very bad. This is very hard to say, but I had an affair. I regret it and wish it hadn't happened. He was very hurt. He pushed me twice up against the fire place mantel. He punched the walls and doors. He did make out with someone before my affair but I'm no saint because of my affair. He always throws the affair in my face but he conviently forgets that he cheated as well. I've been trying to make up for my actions since then. So to the question of did I not cause him to behave this way? Yes I did. It's been 5 1/2 years since the affair and before we had kids, but maybe this is a result of that.
Since he forgave me and gave me another chance mustn't I find ways to forgive him? Isn't that fair?
It just happens at our home no one else is around. I haven't told anyone either. It doesnt happen often. Only the times he's been really upset. One time before we had kids he kicked our dog really hard for getting into some food. My dog was ok, but I told him not to ever do that again. He hasn't. When we were dating he called me on a friends phone to tell me he hadn't called me because he got mad about something not relating to me and he broke his phone. We argue sometimes I can get a little loud too. Him getting in my face though looked like he was getting ready to hit me. I told him I felt like that. He said he wasn't going to hit me. He knows if he did I wouldn't forgive him.
I'm 36 and he is 35 we've been married for 8 years and together for 11.
He can go all day or days without saying anything to me and he's totally fine with that. I told him that not speaking to each other makes me uncomfortable. It's like he doesn't even notice that I'm bothered and he doesn't care.. When I tell him how I'm feeling he says either ok or he doesn't say anything at all. I'll ask him if he heard me, he'll say yes and continue with silence unless I start asking him questions. Th Then he gives me two to three word responses. He just seems so uninterested. He becomes frustrated that I'm asking him questions and he'll even get mad.
You'd say that he is a violent man even though this is a rare occurence. Usually he doesn't act like this. He hasn't broken anything in a couple of years. He is usually nice he takes care of us and I know he loves me.
Time to wake up and see this for what it is, an abusive relationship. Do you honestly think that because you cheated 5 years ago that you are supposed to just TAKE being abused?? NO. YOU DONT HAVE TO TAKE IT AND SHOULD NOT. I am not saying its ok that you cheated but supposedly you worked through it...either way nothing makes abuse ok. Ever. Your children do not deserve to grow up in this environment. The fact that it "doesn't always happen" makes it even worse, because you will all live your lives walking on eggshells in fear of when that next outburst is coming.
He got very upset. I didn't yell at him or call names. We were sitting on the couch talking then he got up stood in front of me and hovered over me while I was nursing the baby and began yelling at me. He was very angry and I thought he may hit me. After he got in my face he took his phone and threw it to the floor. Picked it up and slamed it to the floor again till he destroyed it. He scared me.
Well 5 1/2 years ago I did do something very bad. This is very hard to say, but I had an affair. I regret it and wish it hadn't happened. He was very hurt. He pushed me twice up against the fire place mantel. He punched the walls and doors. He did make out with someone before my affair but I'm no saint because of my affair. He always throws the affair in my face but he conviently forgets that he cheated as well. I've been trying to make up for my actions since then. So to the question of did I not cause him to behave this way? Yes I did. It's been 5 1/2 years since the affair and before we had kids, but maybe this is a result of that.
Since he forgave me and gave me another chance mustn't I find ways to forgive him? Isn't that fair?
It just happens at our home no one else is around. I haven't told anyone either. It doesnt happen often. Only the times he's been really upset. One time before we had kids he kicked our dog really hard for getting into some food. My dog was ok, but I told him not to ever do that again. He hasn't. When we were dating he called me on a friends phone to tell me he hadn't called me because he got mad about something not relating to me and he broke his phone. We argue sometimes I can get a little loud too. Him getting in my face though looked like he was getting ready to hit me. I told him I felt like that. He said he wasn't going to hit me. He knows if he did I wouldn't forgive him.
I'm 36 and he is 35 we've been married for 8 years and together for 11.
He can go all day or days without saying anything to me and he's totally fine with that. I told him that not speaking to each other makes me uncomfortable. It's like he doesn't even notice that I'm bothered and he doesn't care.. When I tell him how I'm feeling he says either ok or he doesn't say anything at all. I'll ask him if he heard me, he'll say yes and continue with silence unless I start asking him questions. Th Then he gives me two to three word responses. He just seems so uninterested. He becomes frustrated that I'm asking him questions and he'll even get mad.
You'd say that he is a violent man even though this is a rare occurence. Usually he doesn't act like this. He hasn't broken anything in a couple of years. He is usually nice he takes care of us and I know he loves me.
Time to wake up and see this for what it is, an abusive relationship. Do you honestly think that because you cheated 5 years ago that you are supposed to just TAKE being abused?? NO. YOU DONT HAVE TO TAKE IT AND SHOULD NOT. I am not saying its ok that you cheated but supposedly you worked through it...either way nothing makes abuse ok. Ever. Your children do not deserve to grow up in this environment. The fact that it "doesn't always happen" makes it even worse, because you will all live your lives walking on eggshells in fear of when that next outburst is coming.
I guess I didn't want to look at it that way, since it was a rare occurence and he was apologetic. I thought that the affair pushed him to physically push me and put some holes in the walls. The physical altercation where he actually put his hands on me was a one time thing. I've gotten allot of good advice here and a different was to look at our relationship. I just want to do everything I can to keep my family together but in a healthy enviornment. Today we've barley said anything to each other. So uncomfortable. I really don't know what else to say to him.
I guess I didn't want to look at it that way, since it was a rare occurence and he was apologetic. I thought that the affair pushed him to physically push me and put some holes in the walls. The physical altercation where he actually put his hands on me was a one time thing. I've gotten allot of good advice here and a different was to look at our relationship. I just want to do everything I can to keep my family together but in a healthy enviornment. Today we've barley said anything to each other. So uncomfortable. I really don't know what else to say to him.
So many times people outside of the relationship can see the reality of the situation much clearer than those IN the relationship. Viewing it from the outside allows clarity, where being on the inside can be chaos. Chaos becomes the normal for many people.
My ex used to give me the silent treatment too..it was horrible, I hated it. Its a form of abuse, a way of trying to control someone and the situation. He used to just start talking again one day, with NO apology at all, no resolution, and I was expected to just go along like it never happened. I did that for a time, I was always so relieved when he would talk to me again. Once I figured out this pattern I was able to better deal, and it helped me eventually end things.
Physical is only one type of abuse, I bet if you looked at ALL the definitions of abuse you would see WAY more incidents of abuse in your home.
You need to definitely see a professional very well versed in domestic violence towards women.
If you go to my link below, you will find another link called The Abuse Thread. It paints the picture of what to look for and resources that will help you.
This is not about you needing to forgive you husband. We lose our tempers, I get that but I have a couple things I am troubled by. He said you spoke to him like he was a child and you gave the example......something tells me that his anger issues are not new and very likely what you said to him was something his own mom or dad said to him and this enraged him. That is not your problem, you were a target. The other thing that bothers me here is that he did this with your infant daughter there which tells me he doesn't care of the fear that he could be causing her. Was the baby crying?
He needs help to express himself without anger and the two of you need to learn to communicate. If he refuses help and continues to do this you are exposing your child to a world of abuse. You need to protect yourself and your child.
I've explained to my husband how his actions made me feel uncomfortable and he has apologized. He said he was regretful and very ashamed of the way he acted. He is doing research on how to properly channel his anger instead of acting out. If this issue is not resolved I will have to leave him for my amd my childrens sake.
Admitting it is the first step, but research should not take more than a couple of days. Have a boundary of what you expectations are and what you will do if they are not met.
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