Sunshine....good name!
As strangers, we are always at a disadvantage. We have only one side of the story. And Paul Harvey is not here to give us "The rest of the story".
There are some responders on this blog...TAM that are good detectives and can spot a bad tooth. They will start tugging and twisting until the root of the problem is exposed.
I will take what you have posted to be Gospel. Your husband has no legs to stand on, in this matter. You are rather perfect, or better put...close to it. And you may be!
I must believe this to continue.
The fact that you are asking strangers if there are other options other than separating and later divorcing tells me that you are looking, either:
a) for justification to leave him
b) for a solution and a path to meaningful reconciliation. Living out your last days with him.
What do you want?.... I know....you will tell me that you would like to patch things up and continue in the marriage. That is the moral and proper response. I get that. You are a good wife, mother, companion and human being. You are in pain.
You do not want to be perceived as a failure or selfish or inflexible. Who does?
I ask again...What DO YOU WANT...shed the sensibilities, please.
As an old man I will give you my take:
1) Is there anything that I can do?
There are two people in a marriage. One person cannot be the glue and the other the solvent. The marriage will not adhere, stay together. Your husband needs to be part of the solution. It does not sound like he is interested. That is bad....and that is key.
2) Lay it all on the line. Tell him that you are ready to walk away from the marriage.....soon. Yes, tell him that this will happen soon, even if you have the four year mark in your long range plan. He must be informed. This will bump him off-center...as it should.
He needs a wake-up call. The Clarion Call to Arms/to Charge: Da-Da-DOT-da-da-DOT-tah-tah-Dah!
If he is interested in fixing this marriage...or not...then his response will open the correct door for you. He is the key...not you. Again, assuming that you want to fix this.
If he wants to repair the marriage then both of you need to lay out your expectations of each other. What must he do? What does he want from you?
After hearing his needs and his side of the story, can you emotionally and rationally work with them? Is it something that you want to do? Or is it more of the same....whitewashing the dirty walls rather than sanding them and re-painting them with good long lasting enamel.
If the answer is yes, then Great...do it!
If not, then plan your exit. He was told.
Now tell the rest of your family, even your older children. Do not go into the dirty details. Just tell them that you and your husband have grown apart and you are going to divorce...at some time in the future.
3) Why wait four years? Get those Sterling Silver plates that you got as wedding plates...all in a row. Put detailed planning notes on each, all sequenced as to When, What, Who and Where.
Be realistic and flexible. Plan to be separated in six months. If it takes a year, sobeit. The joy will be when you are free and on your own...not the journey to that place. The journey is going to be gut-wrenching and painful. Accept that.
Divorces happen. Fifty percent of marriages end. For a good reason or reasons. Sometime people change in their marriages, for good or bad. This is life....a short life.
4) How does one be prepared?
You need basic things to survive. Shelter, Food, Water, Air, an Income to support the former items. Get a job, if you do not have one. Can you move in with relatives or friends in the interim until you get you feet on the ground?
The first things to plan on are these: Income, shelter...an apartment or house. Those are the biggies. You have children. You probably do not want to move too far from them.
Open a credit card in your name for emergencies. Your husband may close all your joint accounts and leave you high and dry...penniless. Come up with some cash. Find a job close-by your new abode...to save on gasoline. You may need to pinch pennies for awhile.
Does this sound like something that you can handle? Are you prepared to uproot your whole life? This is what is in store for you, unless you have a good income or ample monies to draw-on {most people} do not.
During this separation to divorce, be as amicable as possible. Do not say or do things that will rain crap on this process.
During your separation do not get involved with another man. This will poke the bear and bring the Hostility Hoards to your new doorstep. It will also give your Soon-to-be-ex-Husband STBXH ammunition to knock you off your pedestal. You have made it this far being honorable. You can wait a little longer.
5) I am 52. Is this too old?
Too old for what? Please explain.
Older women have gotten divorces for centuries. You are not unique.
Too old to find another man...another marriageable man? Oh yeah, it will be hard to find another Good Man. You may get lucky. You did not with your present husband. The men that are out there are single for a reason. Some tragic reasons, such as death of a spouse. Or some really good man may have had a terrible wife and he too got divorced. You must sift through all the pedigrees to find a good one.
Finding a friend with benefits FWB's, not hard. A sexual partner...very easy.
I believe that this is not what you want. That may change. I doubt it.
You have not lived alone in years. This will be a big change.
Get ready...or get back into the same old stressful life that is yours NOW.