Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Infertility ruining our marriage

5K views 77 replies 17 participants last post by  coupdegrace 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been married for 6 years and suffered through two painful miscarriages. The first was bad and the second was devastating. After the second miscarriage, my wife has had a myriad of health issues and lengthy setbacks ranging from endometriosis to thyroiditis to colitis. She’s had three surgeries due to the endometriosis consistently generating cysts in her ovaries; the last surgery was an emergency procedure to remove a massive cyst causing her excruciating pain about a month ago. It just seems like rotten luck. Neither one of us have ever smoked, abused alcohol or done recreational drugs; we’re both pretty much straight-edge.

We’ve discussed our options, which aren’t many, with our fertility specialist. The specialist told us that because of the past surgeries, scar tissue has developed on one of her tubes, causing clogging, which means the egg can’t travel the tube, so that cuts the chances of conception in half. In a nutshell, we were told that the outlook is bleak. We discussed in vitro fertilization, but that is ultra-expensive here in the US and would bankrupt us. In addition, the odds of success are only 20%, so that would almost be like tossing money into the wind. There’s the donor procedure, which is a 70% chance, and even more expensive, but it would be using someone else’s eggs with my sperm, so that’s out. Adoption is out because it makes her feel like she is less than a woman, being unable to have her own children. Before the last emergency surgery, the doctors were discussing taking out her ovaries because of the cysts, which freaked her out beyond imagination; she was almost inconsolable.

We’re both now in our early 40’s, so I think the biological clock is quickly expiring on us, but she’s refusing to let go. I’ve always wanted a son more than anything, and I truly believe that I wanted kids more than her, but with our age and her unfortunate health issues, I just think it’s time to let go, but she refuses to give up.

Over the last several months, she’s been scouring the internet looking for some kind of miracle cure that will help get her body healthy enough to conceive. It’s bad enough that she already takes a plethora of pills and off-the-wall vitamins that’s supposedly strengthening her eggs, but all of this may be doing harm. We don’t really know. Thanks to some website, she thinks acupuncture will make a difference and increase blood flow, but I haven’t seen any evidence that it would help in connection with a pregnancy. In addition, it wouldn’t clear out the scarring on her tubes or stop the endometriosis. She also thinks that seeing a doctor in her home country of Thailand will offer her a second opinion- one that she wants to hear. She’s already booked a trip and scheduled an appointment with some quack recommended to her by a family member (against my wishes), but I don’t know or trust them with their illegal, miracle drugs and suspect procedures. Her family isn’t helping either since they’re a proponent of this action and putting this into her head.

All of the aforementioned has put great stress on our marriage, not to mention ZERO sex that I’ve not once complained to her about. I’ve been supportive and tried staying positive (at least in front of her), but I don’t know what to do next. Even though I really want children, I tell her not to worry about it as it will only cause more stress. I always say, “If it happens, great, but if not, we can try to enjoy life together.” I just can’t in good conscious, condone her seeing a doctor in another country with the hopes that they have some kind of miracle in a bottle or a cure-all procedure that could potentially make things worse. Honestly, I don’t know where to go from here or if we’re ever going to get past this. If we are unable to have children, I think it will ultimately ruin our marriage.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
You need to change your approach.

Start getting the idea into her head that children

- are expensive. Figure $250k to raise them to the age of adulthood not including probably another $250k for college.
- are selfish. It's all about what they want until they finally grow up in 20 years and figure out that you really aren't as stupid as they always thought
- they can be born with health issues or be "mentally challenged" requiring additional care for their entire lives
- require constant care and attention which usually means one partner giving up a career and a LOT of money
- they use diapers for at least 2 years. Change diapers is freaking disgusting especially when they're soaked with piss and crap
- as toddlers they throw tantrums and cry and scream very loudly
- they get into trouble especially as they become teenagers. Drugs, crime, delinquincy, poor school performance, you name it.

If you do it right before you know it she'll be begging you not to have kids.
 
#5 ·
She already knows all of the aforementioned. In fact, she stays at her parents house during the weekdays to help alleviate our horrendous commute, so she's exposed to most of that. Her two brothers WITH their 2 kids each all live under the same roof, and almost daily, she's telling me about something "funny" or "cute" the kids did. One of these days, "I don't give a crap" is going to slip out as I don't really care to hear stories about my brother-in-law's kids.
 
#6 ·
I previously mentioned that adoption is off the table because of how it will make her feel as a woman; raising someone else's kid knowing that she can't make one herself. Seeing someone else's child might be a constant reminder of the harsh reality.

Regarding a surrogate, that would either cost more than we can afford OR it would be a huge debt that we could never repay. Her Sister-in-law was actually open do doing that, but her last child was troublesome during birth, and it was determined that she can't have any more children.
 
#4 ·
Good evening
infertility is really difficult and a terrible stress on a marriage - you have my sympathy.

My story - which I've posted several times before but I think is worth it again.

Years ago my wife decided she wanted kids. Long before we had decided we didn't want any, but as she was getting to 40 she changed her mind. I didn't want kids but felt it was something I was expected to do.

We tried for a while - sex became very stressful - it was too obviously scheduled to get her pregnant, I started to feel like a stallion used for stud. There was pressure on both of us on whether or not she would get pregnant. Fun sex pretty much disappeared.

After a while of failing she started infertility treatments. Even more stressful. (not really fun having to jerk off into a cup and hand it to someone for inspection). Lots of $$$. No success. Reading taught me that the infertility business will extract money from couples for as long as they can, even when there is no real hope. its a BUSINESS.

Finally I told her to stop. We would adopt. But first I insisted that we take in a short term (shelter care) foster child. We did - a wonderful 5 year old girl. Very surprisingly considering her situation she was a very well adjusted little girl no serious issues.

My wife discovered that having a kid was nothing like what she expected. Its a huge time sink. Kids aren't interested in the same things as adults. My wife pretty much withdrew from caring for the kid, leaving it all to me.

Finally after 6 months our stint of foster care was over. Wife apologized for what she had done to us for the past 5 years. I accepted the apology. I'm sure that if we had had a kid, I'd now be a single father. Wife and I now are both very happy that we choose to never have kids.

Many people love their kids. Many do not. It is the most important decision that you will ever make - think about it very carefully.
 
#7 ·
We tried for a while - sex became very stressful - it was too obviously scheduled to get her pregnant, I started to feel like a stallion used for stud. There was pressure on both of us on whether or not she would get pregnant. Fun sex pretty much disappeared.

After a while of failing she started infertility treatments. Even more stressful. (not really fun having to jerk off into a cup and hand it to someone for inspection). Lots of $$$. No success. Reading taught me that the infertility business will extract money from couples for as long as they can, even when there is no real hope. its a BUSINESS.

Finally I told her to stop. We would adopt. But first I insisted that we take in a short term (shelter care) foster child. We did - a wonderful 5 year old girl. Very surprisingly considering her situation she was a very well adjusted little girl no serious issues.

My wife discovered that having a kid was nothing like what she expected. Its a huge time sink. Kids aren't interested in the same things as adults. My wife pretty much withdrew from caring for the kid, leaving it all to me.

Finally after 6 months our stint of foster care was over. Wife apologized for what she had done to us for the past 5 years. I accepted the apology. I'm sure that if we had had a kid, I'd now be a single father. Wife and I now are both very happy that we choose to never have kids.

Many people love their kids. Many do not. It is the most important decision that you will ever make - think about it very carefully.
Ah, the sex. The same thing happened to us while we were trying to conceive. Instead of it being fun and spontaneous, it became like a chore. She would even say things like, "Okay, it's time to make a baby!" That made me NOT want to have sex at all; it felt like I was being used for my sperm as opposed to a mutual act of love, passion and admiration.

It was so bad that she had an electronic calendar and ovulation tests that would determine what days we should have sex. I hated that because it felt like a damn job. Then, after the sex, she would lay there with her butt raised and legs in the air because she read somewhere that it would assist with keeping the sperm inside her.

Regarding adoption, something that I've not stated was I don't think I'm mature enough to handle adopting a child. Inevitably, there would come a point where the kid does something immature and, well, kid-like, and I'm kind of afraid that I'd have a knee-jerk reaction and say something inappropriate as a guardian.
 
#21 ·
so basically, she is in her 40s, has multiple health issues, etc.

the window has passed but she hasn't yet accepted it.

it would be nice to indulge her somewhat if you can as she chases down the last possibilities. She may need to do this prior to fully accepting this.

if you really cannot afford it, you're going to need to have uncomfortable conversations.

she'll may blame you and take out her frustration on you.

that would be test if you can really empathize with her.
 
#26 ·
so basically, she is in her 40s, has multiple health issues, etc.

the window has passed but she hasn't yet accepted it.
The window hasn't completely closed, but it isn't looking good. Basically, she has one good ovary, which doesn't bode well for conception.

it would be nice to indulge her somewhat if you can as she chases down the last possibilities. She may need to do this prior to fully accepting this.

if you really cannot afford it, you're going to need to have uncomfortable conversations.

she'll may blame you and take out her frustration on you.

that would be test if you can really empathize with her.
You know, I've acquiesced with regard to the acupuncture; do whatever it takes to give her peace of mind, but in vitro fertilization costs FAR too much with a really low percentage of success. Our fertility specialist said that it costs at least $25,000 with a 15 to 20% success clip. We have the money, but 20% for ONE shot? That would completely deplete our savings. Plus, that's money we've been saving to use on a down payment to buy a house closer to our jobs, so that would be an unwise course of action.

I've done a great deal of thinking and decided to let her go back to her country for this second opinion with this quack doctor, just so she feels that all avenues were explored, and so she won't resent me for stopping her. Hopefully, she's smart enough to not take some supposed miracle cure concoction or undergo an impromptu procedure that may cause further damage.
 
#25 ·
Your wife needs therapy to realize and accept that giving birth to a child isn't likely in the cards for her. Ever.

The answer is not spending $ on wild ass guess treatments or flipping out. It's acceptance.

This is ultimately an emotional issue, not a reproductive one.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#27 ·
I agree it's probably an emotional issue, some women start to hit menopause age and freak out over not being fertile anymore. OP also said that for years they didn't want kids. So I would think if she's that desperate for a child, she'd get one anyway she could. She is more concerned with herself as 'reproductive failure'.
 
#33 ·
First and foremost, ignore Mclane because his advice is terrible.

I've been through infertility. My sister has been through it. I have many, many friends who have as well. Most of us came out on the winning side, but not without a LOT of tears, some tantrums, lots of money, and lots and lots of prayer.

My sis tried acupuncture, IVF a few times (good insurance), has endo, etc. She eventually had her first child via a surrogate (an angel friend). Got pregnant on her own after that and had a second. She was still in her thirties, but still advanced age according to stats.

Adoption is not for everyone, but I don't know anyone who has regretted it. Actually, I lie, I did know a woman once who adopted from the foster system (after birthing her first through donor sperm) and she ended up "returning" that poor boy :(.

However, if money's the issue and you want a newborn (nothing wrong with that), adoption isn't any cheaper than IVF or surrogacy.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going to say a prayer for your wife, and for you as you support her through this awful battle :(.
 
#37 ·
First and foremost, ignore Mclane because his advice is terrible.
^^ This. If you do nothing else, ignore the terrible advice given by some clueless posters who are responding based on nothing more than personal bias based on their own dreadful life experiences.

In fact, you might want to consider doing the opposite. Spend all your money on fertility treatments, and if that fails, adopt. You could probably raise 9 or 10 kids without breaking a sweat.
 
#35 ·
FWIW, I would be skeptical of a 20% success rate claim given what you've described about her profile.

I still think the best course of action would be getting her to come to terms that it is not going to happen.

women with optimal health and no history of fertility issues often have great difficulty conceiving in their 40s.

if you can work on speaking to her about this in a way that shows you are really concerned about helping her come to terms with this, rather than saving yourself money, that would probably go far.
 
#42 ·
I think that she will need a professional to tell her that it's not going to happen, then deal with the fallout thereafter. All I can do is continue to be positive and support her. I think that if this doctor in her home country says the same thing, it will sink in.

We've rarely actually discussed IVF because the chances of success are so low. I only mentioned it because our fertility specialist brought it up as an option when we met with him.
 
#55 ·
I do feel the situation your wife is, I get twinges of 'baby fever' every once in a while but I also figure that if I do not have biological children, adoption is totally an option. There are so many children in need out there and giving one or home or at least volunteering with them somehow is a way to make a positive out of two negative situations. It is understandable for her to take some time to dwell in her sadness before she accepts reality, but it is ultimately selfish to feel sorry yourself too long. There is also nothing wrong with donor eggs and your sperm, she could still carry the child. To be so hung up on her own genetic line is sad, she has options, she is just choosing to not use them.
 
#63 ·
the thing is, it's past the "maybe it will just work out" stage.

based on everything you've described, you're clearly in the "there is really no way it's going to happen" stage.

you don't need to be a doctor to realize this.

this is an emotional problem, not a scientific problem.

as her husband, it's your job to emotionally support her. so that means helping her to emotionally cope with this realization.

she is really in denial at this point and that is not helping.

I get it that you don't want this to blow up in your face, but you could take a heavier hand.

Steer the conversation toward doctors who will give you a realistic assessment. Do not let her drive this toward yes-men quacks who just tell her what she wants to get her money.
 
#64 · (Edited)
She's hanging onto every last sliver of hope, and that's what this fertility doctor in her home country represents. I'm hoping that once they tell her "It's not going to happen," that will be the end of it and we can get on with our lives. The fertility doctor that we saw here in the US was brutally honest and she didn't want to hear it; she felt that he was cold, apathetic and insensitive.

I've already told her that there's no magic potion or cure-all pill that she can take to remedy this situation; she's grasping for straws and looking for someone to tell her what she wants to hear instead of the truth. I've already tried the "maybe it's just not meant to be" approach to no avail.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top