General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I recently discovered my wife talking to an old friend on email
While there was never any sexual innuendo in her emails with him, they were exchanging emails daily -- long emails about their personal likes and dislikes, and the guy -- who pined for her for years, even though they never dated -- began to regale her with stories about his job as a border patrol agent and even wrote that he would rather be writing her than doing his job.
My wife claims it's all innocent, but the only time I was mentioned (he never said anything about his wife) was in a negative connotation about what kind of music they like.
When I confronted her (she left her email open one night after falling asleep and I saw the entire email string -- in which they were discussing various movies, music and such that they liked, which he kept referring to as a "compatibility test") she sent him an email saying that she thought it was best for their marriages if the they didn't email so much.
She claims the emails have stopped, but I am having a major trust issue. I believe that had I not found the emails, they would still be ongoing, and he was getting bolder with each one about their "connection."
I want to trust my wife again -- we have been together for 17 years and have three children -- but I can't. She hid her emails from me and when I asked her questions about it, she kept saying that she wasn't talking to anyone.
Later she told me that she didn't want me to know because she thought I'd be jealous. I would not have been had she told me the truth, but the fact that she hid it from me and lied about is bothering me.
How do I regain the trust, or is it too late to salvage it? My wife has a history of cheating on her old boyfriends, but swears she never cheated on me.
First off consider yourself very lucky, I myself and many others that I have seen personally are victims of this email "Innocent" conversations that build into something that was never meant to happen but you caught it early, I'm divorced now and my ex used to email and talk to the other guy via email and Facebook, he was a coworker, but email was how they communicated at night
Another person I know lost his wife because she reconnected, with an old flame from highschool, that bad part is he doesnt even know thats the real reason they broke up
So I say all that to say this my friend, your wife still loves you and thats great, but if you value her and your marriage, what ever you do, do not let that continue PERIOD
2nd (and I'm not bashin you here) take a look at your self and re evaluate yourself on how good a husband you are, and you can be great but I dont know, but check with her and ask her "How have I been lately, am I meeting all of your needs" you have to acknowledge the fact that she was getting something from that email interaction, just make sure what ever it was, you be that source not some email flunky
again I think you are extremely lucky I wish I had caught things as early as you did, my mistake was I didnt think things could get that serious .... Boy was I painfully wrong
and Lastly you might want to consider total and complete disclosure, and what I mean by that is, you both have all the passwords to ALL eachother's emails, if there is nothing to hide then there shouldnt be a problem, (this might seem extreme to some, but I know I'm gonna do that in my next relationship
Jump over to the infidelity section about what she can and should do to help you regain peace of mind. Just a cliff notes version. First she needs to admit that what she was doing was inappropriate for a married person. Second she needs to give you transparency into her email, phone, social media ect... and expect you to check. Secrets are the enemy of a marriage and transparency should be in place anyway in a healthy marriage.
Ultimately only she can restore your trust in her by her actions. By doing and showing you the things you need to believe there is no reason for concern. Don't get in a hurry, let it come in its own time.
I recently discovered my wife talking to an old friend on email
While there was never any sexual innuendo in her emails with him, they were exchanging emails daily -- long emails about their personal likes and dislikes, and the guy -- who pined for her for years, even though they never dated -- began to regale her with stories about his job as a border patrol agent and even wrote that he would rather be writing her than doing his job.
My wife claims it's all innocent, but the only time I was mentioned (he never said anything about his wife) was in a negative connotation about what kind of music they like.
When I confronted her (she left her email open one night after falling asleep and I saw the entire email string -- in which they were discussing various movies, music and such that they liked, which he kept referring to as a "compatibility test") she sent him an email saying that she thought it was best for their marriages if the they didn't email so much.
She claims the emails have stopped, but I am having a major trust issue. I believe that had I not found the emails, they would still be ongoing, and he was getting bolder with each one about their "connection."
I want to trust my wife again -- we have been together for 17 years and have three children -- but I can't. She hid her emails from me and when I asked her questions about it, she kept saying that she wasn't talking to anyone.
Later she told me that she didn't want me to know because she thought I'd be jealous. I would not have been had she told me the truth, but the fact that she hid it from me and lied about is bothering me.
How do I regain the trust, or is it too late to salvage it? My wife has a history of cheating on her old boyfriends, but swears she never cheated on me.
I no longer know what to believe.
So her reason for secrecy ( lying by omission ) was because she expected a negative reaction by you. So that is two time the disrespect.
First off you should be jealous of that. Jealousy is a hard wirted gut feeling that another male is making a move on your wife. So you are supposed to c0ckblock. Actiually you are not supposed to have to c0ckblock. She thought you would be jealous because she knew she was crossing boundaries. He behavior was inappropriate. By keeping this a secret it became unfaithful. Unfaithful behavior leads to more unfaithful behavior. It becomes chemical. i.e. he was meeting some of her needs. He was showing her attention. He was hitting on her ans she was playing along.
So I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs together and discuss, define and implement mutually agreed upon boundaries.
Essentially she was having needs met by another man, was being disrespectful to you and keepoing secrets. In doing so she was crossing boundaries. How far her EA went who knows but it was at least the start of one.
Is she now NC with him. Is he her friend on facebook? Does she have another email account she is now using?
BTW the seduction is almost always innocent while a repoire is established and then the predator trys to make problems for your marriage so they can seduce the wife further.
Instigation, Isolation and Escalation. The Instigation was underway. Keeping it a secret from you was a phase of Isolation. The only comment about you being negative not matter how trivial is still about isolation. Some of the rest of what they talked about was all about escalating the relationship.
Believe me, I have spent considerable time wondering what I was doing, and that perhaps I wasn't fulfilling her in some way.
One of the other things that bothered me about it is that she would be late for a lunch with me, etc. saying she was busy, but when I looked at the email string, she was writing him when she was supposed to be meeting me.
I don't necessarily think she was wanting anything other than friendship with this person, who she has known for 30 years. But the tone of his emails suggested he wanted something more.
I almost emailed him, but I changed my mond in hopes that it wouldn't continue.
However, he sent her a birthday greeting the other day from "their" favorite musician, and she told me about it. What she didn't tell me is that he put in the email that he thought he should wait to send it until she got to work. She says she hasn't talked to him since she sent the "cool it" email, but his response leads me to believe that she has communicated with him to tell him not to send it when she's home.
I feel like a heel looking at her emails, and I realize a lot of this may be my own lack of self-esteem, but man I feel like I don't even know her anymore.
Believe me, I have spent considerable time wondering what I was doing, and that perhaps I wasn't fulfilling her in some way.
One of the other things that bothered me about it is that she would be late for a lunch with me, etc. saying she was busy, but when I looked at the email string, she was writing him when she was supposed to be meeting me.
I don't necessarily think she was wanting anything other than friendship with this person, who she has known for 30 years. But the tone of his emails suggested he wanted something more.
I almost emailed him, but I changed my mond in hopes that it wouldn't continue.
However, he sent her a birthday greeting the other day from "their" favorite musician, and she told me about it. What she didn't tell me is that he put in the email that he thought he should wait to send it until she got to work. She says she hasn't talked to him since she sent the "cool it" email, but his response leads me to believe that she has communicated with him to tell him not to send it when she's home.
I feel like a heel looking at her emails, and I realize a lot of this may be my own lack of self-esteem, but man I feel like I don't even know her anymore.
Women have to connect to have sex and men have to have sex to connect. So she was connecting with this guy. He was wanting to push the relationship further so he can ultimately connect were her.
So yes, get over to CWI and look into gathering more information and keep tabs on this.
As a person who had an EA I can tell you the most critical thing is catching it early. I am betting they have taken this underground.
Where does he live compared to you?
I reread your post and think this is a little more serious a threat than I first thought. You need to kill this now.
So her reason for secrecy ( lying by omission ) was because she expected a negative reaction by you. So that is two time the disrespect.
First off you should be jealous of that. Jealousy is a hard wirted gut feeling that another male is making a move on your wife. So you are supposed to c0ckblock. Actiually you are not supposed to have to c0ckblock. She thought you would be jealous because she knew she was crossing boundaries. He behavior was inappropriate. By keeping this a secret it became unfaithful. Unfaithful behavior leads to more unfaithful behavior. It becomes chemical. i.e. he was meeting some of her needs. He was showing her attention. He was hitting on her ans she was playing along.
So I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs together and discuss, define and implement mutually agreed upon boundaries.
Essentially she was having needs met by another man, was being disrespectful to you and keepoing secrets. In doing so she was crossing boundaries. How far her EA went who knows but it was at least the start of one.
Is she now NC with him. Is he her friend on facebook? Does she have another email account she is now using?
BTW the seduction is almost always innocent while a repoire is established and then the predator trys to make problems for your marriage so they can seduce the wife further.
Instigation, Isolation and Escalation. The Instigation was underway. Keeping it a secret from you was a phase of Isolation. The only comment about you being negative not matter how trivial is still about isolation. Some of the rest of what they talked about was all about escalating the relationship.
He's not on FB, as far as I know, and I have no idea if she has another email.
I really feel like having a talk with this joker -- who signed some emails with "Love, XXXX".
She swears there was never anything to it, but I can't help but think he would have done anything to have a clandestine meeting with her. She said "I HOPE I would have stopped it before it got that far."
I have a degree in English and words mean things. I take her ambivalence as an admission that something "might" have happened.
Women have to connect to have sex and men have to have sex to connect. So she was connecting with this guy. He was wanting to push the relationship further so he can ultimately connect were her.
So yes, get over to CWI and look into gathering more information and keep tabs on this.
As a person who had an EA I can tell you the most critical thing is catching it early. I am betting they have taken this underground.
Where does he live compared to you?
I reread your post and think this is a little more serious a threat than I first thought. You need to kill this now.
He lives six hours away, but lives in her hometown, which she often visits without me. Another reason I'm suspicious.
If she is taking time away from you, to spend writing to him---then she is starting to become inappropriate, and also beginning to "dis" you
So far things may be innocent, but yes he is fishing---and your wife knows it, that is probably why she attempted to back him off
Tell your wife she has hurt your mge., by being secretive, covering it up, and lying about her reasoning, and don't be NICE about your conversation---let her know with an icy calm approach---you will not stand for this type of activity from her, and it is to stop immediately, or there will be consequences
You have to be somewhat harsh---but DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL---just state what you need done, and leave it at that----see what kind of an impact, your line in the sand has on your wife
Does she really want to stay in her mge., completely, or is she beginning to stray, and look for other things
Once again---be somewhat harsh, this is not a situation where you want to be percieved as a mr. nice-guy---you are fighting another guy for your mge.
No. The emails started between visits. She has not been there without me for a while.
Good until she goes complete verifiable contact and goes through any withdrawal from him then you should go with her. Don;t be surprised if out of the blue she lets you know she needs to make a trip home for a weekend.
First off consider yourself very lucky, I myself and many others that I have seen personally are victims of this email "Innocent" conversations that build into something that was never meant to happen but you caught it early, I'm divorced now and my ex used to email and talk to the other guy via email and Facebook, he was a coworker, but email was how they communicated at night
Another person I know lost his wife because she reconnected, with an old flame from highschool, that bad part is he doesnt even know thats the real reason they broke up
So I say all that to say this my friend, your wife still loves you and thats great, but if you value her and your marriage, what ever you do, do not let that continue PERIOD
2nd (and I'm not bashin you here) take a look at your self and re evaluate yourself on how good a husband you are, and you can be great but I dont know, but check with her and ask her "How have I been lately, am I meeting all of your needs" you have to acknowledge the fact that she was getting something from that email interaction, just make sure what ever it was, you be that source not some email flunky
again I think you are extremely lucky I wish I had caught things as early as you did, my mistake was I didnt think things could get that serious .... Boy was I painfully wrong
and Lastly you might want to consider total and complete disclosure, and what I mean by that is, you both have all the passwords to ALL eachother's emails, if there is nothing to hide then there shouldnt be a problem, (this might seem extreme to some, but I know I'm gonna do that in my next relationship
It is a good thing you caught it now. Sure, it looks to some like you may have used "excessive force" with your mistrust, and it may very well have been innocent on her part, but the OM could very well have been fishing. All it would have taken was just a little more time, him asking the "right" questions about whether she was 100% satisfied in her marriage, and of course, she may have told him about how you're not always "perfect", and that would have been the weak link he would have started to work on to erode her opinion of you, and then he would have started to subtly convince her of how much better he could be, and a REAL affair would have been out of the starting gate (and the "complaint" about the music could have been a starting point). I posted on someone else's thread about this, and for the sake of space, I will give you the gist of it in the next post.
They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"
Then it would have morphed into talk about:
What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...
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Wife Emailing Old Friend 
