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Help me sort through feelings...

10K views 93 replies 38 participants last post by  WorkingWife 
#1 ·
My wife planned a Memorial Weekend trip to her parent's house for she and I and her two children. She has her children full time and I have my children 50% of the time (week on, week off). The trip wasn't planned with my children in mind because they are with their mother this weekend. However, my daughter asked her mother if she could go with me and her mother said she could if it was OK with me. I asked my wife what she thought about my daughter going, and she is very much against it, saying she planned this trip for just the four of us and that my daughter will get in the way of her kids spending time with their grandparents. She said I need to understand that sometimes there are things that she wants to do with just her kids, and that it is ok that we do things with one set of children and not the other.

She was getting very upset so I told her that I understand how she feels and will respect her wishes, and will let my daughter know that she cannot go due to us not being able to change our hotel arrangements and other plans last minute (I don't believe this - I think we can be flexible and make it work, but I don't know what else to tell my daughter).

The problem is I can't help but feel hurt that my wife doesn't want my daughter coming along. If the situation was reversed, I'd have no problem including any of her children (or both) at the last minute because I know her time with them is very important. In fact, this has happened a few times.

I have my children 50% of the time and fight for any additional time I can, especially when they choose to spend more time with me. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do about the situation?
 
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#13 ·
She said she married me when I didn't have them full time and she wouldn't be able to deal with it if my kids were with me all the time.

And no, we NEVER make plans that exclude her kids. I wouldn't think of it, and she wouldn't allow it.

BvllSh!t!! What a load of bvllsh1t.... your wife sounds extremely selfish...

How old is your daughter? A blended family should work together to feel everyone included and loved.
I would be pissed and bring my daughter along.... that is total BS
She can be very selfish.

My daughter is 11.

NIf you do take some members advice and not go on the trip with your wife and her children I have a feeling a big argument will be the result. I say go on the trip without your daughter but later on take a trip with your two children alone without her and her children.
If I don't go, a big argument will ensue for sure.

She and her kids could spend time with the grandparents while you and your daughter do other things.
Great suggestion and I would be open to this, but she would never.

I don't know if it makes any difference, but her parents live 600 miles away and they only see them once every year or two.

On our way home tonight I had to tell my daughter that she couldn't go. She didn't understand why. Broke my heart. Now I have to decide if I'm going on the trip.
 
#8 ·
What you should do is bow out of this trip, have your daughter come over and plan something nice with her.

This will hopefully make your wife see some sense and be less selfish and also give you time with your daughter.
 
#9 ·
No way would I go on that trip. I would stay home with my daughter, or go on a separate trip with her.

But that's just me.
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#10 ·
No you aren't wrong your daughter should be able to go with you but you aren't going to get your wife to admit that. She will always choose her children over yours. You would do the same, that's why "blended families" are rarely blended and they have higher divorce rate. If you do take some members advice and not go on the trip with your wife and her children I have a feeling a big argument will be the result. I say go on the trip without your daughter but later on take a trip with your two children alone without her and her children.
 
#12 ·
If it was me I would have no problem sitting the wife down and point blank asking her how she would feel if you did the same thing to her kids. Ask her how she would like it and how she would feel that you wouldn't include her kids.

Then I would let her know that when she married you, the kids you have were part of the package even though they live with their mother and now that she made that comment, your not sure whether you kid would feel welcome even if your wife apologized. If she gets pissed then let her. Remember your blood courses through your daughters veins and nothing is more important in your life then your children.

You got a lousy situation here friend and your wife made it worse with her selfishness and lack of thinking so if it was me, I would plan a weekend with your kid and let your wife carry her own burden and let her figure out a way to remove her foot from her mouth.
 
#14 ·
Don't go. Geez. Why would you put a spouse before your child? Especially when that child is a minor.
 
#18 ·
So now your daughter is heartbroken. She's only 11 and can't possibly make sense of why her dad would ditch her. Sorry if this is blunt, but you seem more concerned that a "big argument will ensue" with your wife if you don't go instead of being concerned that your daughter feels like a second-rate family member. And you lied to her to boot! A flat-out lie about not being able to change the hotel arrangements? Come on, you can do better than this.

Not only would I not go on that trip, I would seriously be questioning whether I wanted to stay in a marriage which such a selfish person who could treat my child so shabbily...
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#23 ·
I am relieved you are going to tell your wife you aren't going with her. I was going to tell you to grow a pair and explain to her that she KNOWS you have kids prior to marrying her. That was never going to change. So she either accepts it right now or she can see what a fool (or evil witch if you like) that makes her look like in court when she divorces you.
How horrible!
 
#25 ·
Based on your prior threads and posts, this is just one more example of the disfunction in your marriage. You have previously posted that she refuses to participate in anything with your family for the last year.

You would have gotten more insightful advice keeping this issue with your last thread. This has been such a short term relationship.....why can you not envision a much healthier life for you and your children by ending the marriage. This is such an awful way to live.
 
#31 ·
:iagree:

breathe... After going back through your other threads, the Memorial Day weekend trip is the least of your problems. If you don't right this ship soon, I'm afraid you're going to pay a hefty price with your relationship to your children long term. Not to mention your own sanity and well-being.

Personally, I'd be calling up your old divorce attorney.

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#28 ·
You are not in a happy place for sure. You made a terrible mistake when you married this very selfish woman. God forbid something happens to your X and you get your kids full time.

Why oh why do we settle for partners like her? You know eventually this relationship will end if you don't set some boundaries with this insensitive witch.

If she cancels the trip, she is so dang awful. If she can do this to her own children, it's no wonder she can't be flexible with your poor baby. No wonder you feel conflicted. You even had to lie so your poor kid not to notice the horrible person you married. Her behavior will eat at you and make you very resentful towards her. Please do something about this and hopefully your idiot wife will wake up and smell the coffee!
 
#29 ·
Wow what a ****ty thing for your wife to do! She is sending a clear message you do not and will not ever have a truly blended family, and then to go even further and state she couldn't "handle it" if you had your kids full time. There's a woman who should never get a mothers day card!

What I find incredibly sad is looking at things from your daughters perspective. The reason she was bailing on her mom may be due to her wanting to spend a fun weekend with her step siblings (and you of coarse), what a perfect opportunity to immerse her into the blended family and make her feel like PART of that family.

Yet your wife only sees it as an inconvenience, shame shame shame on her..... and shame on her again.
 
#32 ·
She and I had the discussion this morning about how I feel, how it made my daughter feel, and how she would feel the same if the situation was reversed. She would never acknowledge that she'd feel the same way and she kept saying how she doesn't understand why I am making such a big deal out of this. She said she didn't understand why I had to always go around pretending like we are a 'real real' family, and that sometimes its OK for us to do things without the other two kids. I said, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you just imply we aren't a 'real' family?" She said, "You know what I mean. Your kids aren't mine and mine aren't yours." I couldn't believe what I was hearing and must have had a disgusted look on my face because she said, "Well this trip is going to be uncomfortable." and I said, "No its not because I'm not going." She responded that if I don't go, I might as well pack up my things while she is gone. I told her I just might do that. Then she turned from angry to pleading, asking my why I would do something like that, please don't do that to her, and why would I break up our family. I said, "Family? You just told me we didn't have a 'real' family." Not much was said after that and we had to cut the discussion short because she had an appointment outside of the house.

So, I'm not going and I'm looking forward to a nice day tomorrow with my daughter (and son if he wants to go).
 
#39 ·
She and I had the discussion this morning about how I feel, how it made my daughter feel, and how she would feel the same if the situation was reversed. She would never acknowledge that she'd feel the same way and she kept saying how she doesn't understand why I am making such a big deal out of this. She said she didn't understand why I had to always go around pretending like we are a 'real real' family, and that sometimes its OK for us to do things without the other two kids. I said, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you just imply we aren't a 'real' family?" She said, "You know what I mean. Your kids aren't mine and mine aren't yours." I couldn't believe what I was hearing and must have had a disgusted look on my face because she said, "Well this trip is going to be uncomfortable." and I said, "No its not because I'm not going." She responded that if I don't go, I might as well pack up my things while she is gone. I told her I just might do that. Then she turned from angry to pleading, asking my why I would do something like that, please don't do that to her, and why would I break up our family. I said, "Family? You just told me we didn't have a 'real' family." Not much was said after that and we had to cut the discussion short because she had an appointment outside of the house.

So, I'm not going and I'm looking forward to a nice day tomorrow with my daughter (and son if he wants to go).
WOW. Just...wow. Your kids are going to be so happy if you divorce her....
 
#34 ·
Quite the bully...
 
#36 ·
Your wife is a bully, be ready for more manipulation on her part, she will make you feel guilty, then be angry at you.

11 year old minds are so moldable, she will remember how you treat her forever. I am glad you are going to spend the weekend with her. I do not like your wife, she is so selfish....
 
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