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Husband lies a lot

7K views 65 replies 16 participants last post by  Renee0414 
#1 ·
Ok, so my husband and I are 26 years old. Been together for 12 years. Have 3 children.
My husband is an amazing man. Very kind, hardworking, handsome, great father. We have definitely had our problems, as any relationship does. I have noticed over the years he has this really bad habit of lying. Like, about stupid stuff that doesn't make sense. I am not talking about just lying to me. He lies a lot to avoid confrontation. About really dumb stuff.
Now, I can relate. Somewhat. Sometimes I lie in awkward situations. someone asks if I will babysit and instead of saying "no i really hate babysitting" I will say "I have a thing that day" haha. He does this type of stuff all day everyday. He has gotten caught in lies several times. It makes me kind of afraid who is going to catch him in a lie next lol.

But that is his own problem and i have learned to let him learn that the hard way. But he still does it to me constantly. For example, the other day he traded a dirt bike for some nice rims for his truck. He did this transaction during his lunch hour. I am constantly on his phone (we just dont care if we use each others phone, we do it often) anyway i saw that he sent a pic of these rims to his friend and it said "look at my new rims". I remember him showing me a pic of these rims but he just said "do you like these rims?" But he never said anything about getting them.
After that i tried to fish for him to tell me about it. I said "hey what did you do on your lunch yesterday, you didnt stop by the house like you usually do... he said he didnt take a lunch he just worked through his lunch hour. After feeling annoyed for an hour i said "i know you got rims on your lunch hour, why are you so afraid to tell me that?" He just said he was sorry and he didnt think it was a big deal. Anyway, things like that he lies about all the time.

I assume it is because he is afraid i will get mad at these various things. He lies about going to friends house after work. He will tell me he got off at 6 when his friend will say something about him coming by after work at 5. I guess he thinks i will get mad that he stopped by there before coming home.

The thing is, these things dont bother me. I dont care if he stops by his friends. I dont care if he buys rims. Its his money too. Yes, in the past i have gotten upset under certain circumstances. Like legitimate circumstances. (Like one time i was begging for him to come home asap to help with the baby, he instead went to his friends house for 30 mins after work, so of course i was upset. I was a sleep deprived mama needing help! I have explained that i only ask him to come home asap when i really need the help)

He admits that he doesn't like confrontation, and he admits he is trying to stop the habit. I told him it makes me feel like we arent close when he cant trust me enough to tell me simple truths.

So, if you are someone who lies a lot to your spouse. Please tell me why? I cant get him to trust me enough with the truth. How do I get him to feel safe to tell me the friggin truth. I realize it is because he fears peoples response to the truth about things. But it needs to stop. I feel so distanced from him when he lies like this. I realize it is human nature to tell white lies often. But this is a regular habit that i am fed up with...

What do i do to help him stop?


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#4 ·
Well the actual act of lying doesnt bother me if it is a "big thing". If i did something bad and i regretted it, of course i would probably lie about it. Its the actual act that is distressing, not the lying part. I mean 90%of people would lie to cover it up, unless they were ready to admit it and risk losing everything. As bad as that sounds, i understand lying about big things. Its kind of hard to tell someone you screwed up big time.

I am completely aware that he would lie about big things, but like i said i understand why you would lie about something big. Your afraid of losing that person over a mistake. Its understandable to lie about it. (Although commendable to tell the truth, obviously)

It is lying about the small things that really bothers me. It means he thinks i am some kind of unreasonable horrible wife that would be upset by things that I wouldnt be upset about! Its a sign that he doesnt know what kind of person i am. I like to think i am a laid back women who has a great relationship with him. But the reality is, he thinks he has to lie to avoid me getting upset about things i wouldnt get upset about.

Like i said, i realize i have not handled certain situations properly. I know that is where his fear stems from...i have apologized many times and explained i wouldnt normally be upset under different circumstances.

Basically my question is...how do i get him to trust that my reaction will be one of understanding and acceptance (maybe slightly compromising if I do disagree with something). I realize in the past there has been times i was not understanding and just plain angry (like when we were broke and he bought something stupid, or like the time i asked him to come help me and he went to a friends and took his happy little time coming home). i realize i should have reacted with more understanding and patience. But i by no means do this often. I can think of a handful of times over our 12 year relationship that i have accidentally overreacted. Always while i was under tremendous stress.


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#3 ·
He sounds like he is a conflict avoider, passive agressive, and a "nice guy" according to the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy." (Nice guys are not really nice, is the premise of the book.)

He will eventually lie about larger things, if he is not already. He is damaging the relationship with you, distancing himself, and is keeping the two of you from being "one."

He will not change his behavior until you stop tolerating it, and hold his feet to the fire. You can't get into playing games about it, you must decide on your boundaries and stick to them. Your marriage may get worse when you start doing this, but that is the only way he is going to realize the damage he is doing....when he realizes he has lost you, or is on the verge of losing you due to his lying.

Not an easy fix.

Does this article remind you of your marriage? The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger - article by Dr. Lynne Namka
 
#7 ·
Actually no, the article sounds nothing like him. He doesn't have an anger issue or passive aggressive issue. The article was a bit confusing to me but nowhere in what i did understand sounds like him at all. He simply lies because he is afraid of what people will say about the truth. Like, if he knows someone will not like an answer he will just lie to avoid that. I mean, i do it to! (Im being honest about lying...how ironic) i just would never feel like i needed to lie to him. I know he would be reasonable with his reaction to something he disagrees with me about so i dont feel like i need to lie. my problem is...he is doing it to me! Which makes me feel like he doesnt trust my reaction. I dont want him to think of me as a wife that wouldnt understand, and that is what i feel like he thinks when he lies.

If anyone has ever watched Jimmy and karen Marriage Today. You know that he talks about how important it is to create a space in your marriage that is safe. Meaning, your reactions to your spouse need to show your spouse that it is safe to share and safe to discuss things. Otherwise, you either get a spouse that doesnt come to you with problems, or a spouse that lies to avoid negative reaction. Not that it is okay to do those things, but it helps avoid those things. I completely agree and so i realize that somehow i have led him to believe I would respond negatively to certain things

I dont know how to get back to him feeling safe to tell me the real story.

My husband doesnt have any other issues. We actually have a great relationship, full of laughter, shared hobbies, great sex, quality time together. He shares his feelings with me, we talk often about problems we have. Which this lying issue we do talk about. He does understand why it hurts me. He doesnt mean to hurt me. Its just a knee jerk reaction he has when he feels like it might "turn into an argument". We are nowhere near divorce. Quite the opposite, i am 100% sure we will be together for a very long time. We just know how to resolve issues and have learned a lot over the years.


I understand the reason for the lying habit. I understand that it is easier to lie sometimes, especially with certain people! I am just hurt that I have become one of those people....

Its commendable to tell the truth when you do something stupid (like tell your boss you slept in instead of lying and saying you got stuck at a wreck) but i dont think it makes you a bad person if you dont tell the truth sometimes. It just means you lack courage to endure the negative reaction from people. I dont see my husband as a horrible person because of this. I am more hurt because he feels afraid of my reaction now. I dont know how to get the trust back.

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#6 ·
More than likely something he has been doing since a child and only he will be able to make the change in himself. You are not responsible for his actions and you do not need to make yourself responsible, or try to help.. This is not about you, this is about him. If it were about you he would be different with other people and more than likely that is not the case. As you said that you would expect him to lie about the big things....think about that. What don't you know and how will you know the truth?
 
#10 ·
He actually is different with certain people. He doesnt lie to his friends. Because he knows even if they dont approve they wont go into "lecture" or "argument" mode. He lies to his boss, to his dad and to people he doesnt want to disappoint .....and to me obviously.

I do believe it has become somewhat of a habit knee jerk reaction. He definitely doesnt like conflict or disappointment. Neither do i really though.

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#11 ·
You both lie. You even condone it in certain circumstances. It's ok if he lies to other people, but not to you.

What are going to do when all three of your children start to tell lies? It's not like you and your husband are great role models in that area.

Owning your stuff is part of growing up and maturing.
 
#26 ·
Understanding the psychology of "why" in my head is different then condoning. I have never told him that i understand or condone his lying. I acknowledge in any circumstance it is better to tell the truth, but i also acknowledge that some circumstances are far more difficult to be honest than others. Not that you shouldnt always tell the truth, just that it IS harder.

Id appreciate you not bring our parenting skills into this, its a bit rude and non of your concern. My children are not a part of this discussion. However, its not like they actually witness any lying, that is something that is behind the scenes. So im not sure how our marital issues are effecting them unless we are arguing in front of them.... again, i dont condone it, i just understand why. Just as anything bad that happens we like to know why and how to avoid it. Doesnt mean we are condoning bad behaviour. We just like to know why.

When my daughter smears mud all over my car, i realize its because it was fun and she didnt think it was a big deal, doesnt mean i tell her its okay! But it helps me to know that shes not a bad kid. She just made a mistake, and i will tell her that its not okay to smear mud on the car, then give her something she can smear mud on lol


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#23 ·
I agree...and that would be so easy... Unfortunately there is no room for it in the budget. I actually need therapy (not marital) for my family issues going on. Loss of my mother to drugs (shes not dead but havent seen her in 2 years), a father with severe health issues(could die), and i think im heading towards depression because of all of that plus no support with 3 kids. My husband works too much to help, he helps when he is home but its not enough. My kids and I need grandparents the way all of my extended family and friends seem to have. They can just drop their kids off with grandma anytime they need. I have never had that. Im not saying im alone here, i am well aware a lot of people dont have any help either. But its hard to deal with when everyone around me has help and i dont.

Anyway, if we could afford therepy, id be the first one in it!

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#16 ·
I think you have to try to instill some confidence in him and have him get over his fear of conflict. It may be better for him to tell the truth and let you get mad.

Part of this is your upbringing. If you had a parent who was supportive during problems, you learned it was better to get advice and tell the truth, while if you had parent who compounded problems during conflict, you learned to try to avoid conflict and hide information.
 
#25 ·
I love this and agree completely. But then this makes me think... wouldnt even an honest person lie given the right circumstance. Maybe that honest person has never actually been confronted with a situation that they knew the consequence was greater then they could handle. Maybe some people just have different degrees of what they can handle. Confidence is actually just another way of saying you dont care about how people feel about you because you know who you are regardless of how people feel. So maybe these things just make him feel like a bad person inside so he lies because he doesnt want to show that he is a bad person or make anyone think he is a bad person.

Maybe he just needs some reassurance that he is a good person, and even if he makes a mistake it doesnt change that, especially if he tells the truth about it. Its just so frustrating. Just tell the truth! and see that its not so bad. Maybe he did have some bad experiences as a child with telling the truth, who knows.

I guess i just need to realize (like someone said above) that this is about him, and its not anything i can help him with. Just something that he needs to work on himself. With my encouragement, maybe he can find some confidence in accepting consequence.

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#17 ·
Conflict avoiders are child-like in that they are afraid of upsetting people and they would rather lie than face consequences like someone being unhappy with them. When they grow up, they aren't lying about who took a cookie, or who forgot to put their glass in the dishwasher, they eventually lie about things that actually harm the marriage.

Both of you should stop lying about big and small things, or your marriage will be a very unhappy one, and may end up in divorce over a big lie, like an EA or a PA.

A marriage where either or both partners lies is not conducive to oneness, and will develop cracks that will eventually lead to greater issues that can end in divorce.
 
#18 ·
Absolutely target on. Lady, if your husband is trying to save his face instead of facing his situation with honesty and integrity, he will stop at nothing and you make find yourself thrown under the bus, blamed for his actions so he comes out smelling like a rose.
 
#22 ·
Actually i take that back... i guess i have hid things from him. Like purchases that he told me not to make, but i felt that I really needed those things, and i felt he was just not listening to my needs, so i went ahead and bought it because i actually did need it. I wouldnt tell him i went ahead and bought it anyway because i knew he would be mad and he would probably bring it up every time we were broke... so that is basically a lie. And i do things like that occasionally.

The difference is, i dont make a habit of it. And when i do hide things, I always regret it.

Like the purchases, i actually wish i would have just talked to him about it again, and mutually agreed if it was a smart purchase or not. That definitely would have made me feel closer to him and better about myself for not going behind his back. I wonder if he regrets it like i do. And then obviously the other difference is i dont do it often, very rarely... Actually, im not going to say its different, because its not. He just finds himself in more situations he feels he needs to lie about than i do i guess.

This is getting confusing. And now i dont know how i feel...

Maybe we both just need to work on not being afraid of conflict and feeling the rewards of being honest and working together to find a solution that makes us both happy when we have conflict instead of just lying by default because its easier that way.

I think my answer is to work on HOW we handle conflict so that it is comfortable to talk about compromising. But at the same time work on building his confidence in facing disappointment or making someone unhappy. To realize that its not so bad to disappoint someone especially if you are completely honest about what happened.

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#30 ·
Yes, i have looked into it for myself, over family issues(my parents). We dont have free, just cheaper. Its still not in the budget. I am a stay at home mom and he just started a business, so everything is tight right now. I hope in the future, with the new income we will have from the business, we will be able to do counseling. We will for sure be making it a priority when we can afford it.

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#32 ·
He sounds painfully self-conscious to me and is very uncomfortable when the spotlight is on him. Any sort of negative attention will do this and he would desperately want to avoid it. Perhaps he has developed coping mechanisms that are not the healthiest, like telling untruths in order to escape a judgment that would embarrass him badly.

If this is an issue with him, self-conscious people can overcome much of their issues by forcing themselves to deal with uncomfortable situations, like talking in front of a group or leading a group in some activity.
 
#34 ·
And I wanted to add... This is manipulative behavior as well. With my husband he acts one way with his parents and tells these weird lies, and he acts one way to me and tells me these weird lies. My husband is a people pleaser and just wants everyone to be happy. That's not reality. From the outside my husband looks like the nicest guy in the world and everyone tells me how nice he is! The reality is, he doesn't have a concept of who he really is and what he really believes In because he was never allowed to be himself as a child. He was lectured constantly from a strict religious dad, and he learned how to shut his mouth, tune his dad out, and wait until the lecture was over, then he continued to do whatever he wanted to do, and continued to lie about it. This is what causes passive aggressive personality. Some people have very mild issues with it, some people have major issues with it.
 
#35 ·
My H is like this too. MC said it develops in childhood- which I never understood until my sister in law said that he grew up in a physically abusive home. I had no idea. He talks about his childhood like it was ideal. MC says it is unlikely to change -and to read "co-dependent no more" if you are intending on staying in the marriage. I am. He is a wonderful father, husband, son, friend,…..you get the idea. Everyone loves him. Of course they do. He never says no, he never disagrees with them, he helps and does good everywhere he goes.

Here is the problem. When I was concerned about him becoming close to a co-worker- he lied (presumably to avoid confrontation) about going to her house to help her with a construction issue. He then lied about talking to her on the phone and whether or not her boyfriend was there when he went for a beer with her, and whether or not he deleted her texts that I might find excessive….These are all red flags for an A. I interpreted them as such. This led to 2 years of accusations, heartache and grief.

I really don't know what the truth is. I do know he is capable of lying about it to avoid confrontation even if there was NOTHING going on. Every lie he told could be attributed to an EA/PA cover up- or provide further evidence that he is a situational liar.

I love him. I know he loves me. We have been together for 37 years. He went to MC, IC, church support groups, filled out countless relationship workbooks and attended an intensive weekend marital workshop. All of these things would not have been easy for him to do. He tells me and more importantly shows me he loves me every day- and I believe him- NOW.

I cannot take back those wasted months of emotional anguish. I will never know with any kind of surety what happened. I can however make a decision that the pros far outweigh the cons in this marriage. I can decide to move forward no matter what went on. I can decide to believe what I think to be true (he had an EA during a vulnerable time in our marriage) and be satisfied with that. This would not be in everyones best interests- but I believe it is for me. This conclusion has come at a great emotion cost. It is not a decision I take lightly and it is not without its trials and tribulations.

So…..word to the wise…..when it REALLY matters that he is honest with you- you just won't know if he is...
 
#36 ·
I completely agree with you. This is my real issue with the constant avoiding of confrontation, because when i question him about something serious i am not going to be able to believe him!

And yes, his father lectures him ALOT we are almost 30 and he is still treating him like a child. He thinks he needs to make sure he does simple things like renew his insurance, or make sure he paid a fine. If his dad finds out he didnt get to something he will go into a whole lecture about how he needs to get it taken care of. Im thinking, dude, this is my husband, i can take over from here!

So maybe thats where it comes from. Years of learning how to get around conflict.

No, i will not be leaving him over this. This is not even a very big issue, i am just getting really sick and tired of trying to convince him that its okay to tell the truth, and that it makes me feel like we arent close. I am sure it could very easily snowball into a very serious situation pretty quickly... but, i dont see this issue out weighing all of the good we have. He is everything i need and more. Great emotional connection, we talk about everything together, we laugh and play, share hobbies, very fulfilling sex life, he loves my family and my family loves him. Perhaps that is why it hurts me so bad that he feels he needs to lie to me.

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#41 ·
To me, you should control what YOU can control - your own actions. IIWY, I would set up a boundary about being lied to, and a resulting consequence. You may even have to get really BASIC about it. Like my H is passive aggressive or blows up at me sometimes, and he knows I hate it, and he knows when he does it and hurts me, I don't want to have sex with him. So each time he does it, guess what? We don't have sex for the next 3 or 4 days. It's not me throwing a fit, not guilting him, just me not feeling like being close to him.

It's his choice, he knows what's going to happen if he blows up at me, and if he then chooses to do it anyway, well, that's on him.

IIWY, I'd make it clear to him you're not going to try to change him. But you will protect yourself from it by _________ (choose a reaction) each time he's caught in a lie. No discussion, no guilting, just you reacting. And then go about your business. But then you have to follow through on the reaction/consequence.

And if he gets in your face about it, you just shrug and say "I told you what would happen if you lie to me. Your choice" and walk away.

THAT is how people learn to change.
 
#42 ·
Are you being completely upfront about you often you get angry/yell at him for things. He's lying because he doesn't trust you. He does not believe that he can be honest with you when it comes to him doing what he wants. He lied about the lunch break because you probably expect him to come home for lunch everyday and he either a) didn't want to disappoint you or b) thought that you would get pissed off at him because he didn't come home and got rims instead. He made the decision that lying was a better alternative than a potential argument with you. It's messed up and is not good for a relationship but the lying is a symptom of deeper issuers in your relationship. It's about trust. He doesn't trust you and because of his lies you don't trust him.
 
#46 ·
This is way more of a complex issue than your making it out to be. It is not her fault at all. She is allowed to get upset and show emotion she is a human. Life can get hard and overwhelming sometimes. What your saying is she is not allowed to get upset. Really? When your spouse is upset it should be a reaction to comfort and support them and help them, not to lie to them.

This issue is about him not wanting to be put in a situation that is uncomfortable to him which includes conflict, so instead of dealing with the problem he does what he has to do to avoid it, like lying. This is not a trust issue at all. This has nothing to do with her. I bet he loves and adores her, and I bet it kills him to disappoint her. This is a problem he has within himself.
 
#45 ·
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#47 ·
I see myself in these posts. My reactions to H have been excessive and over the top at times particularly in our younger days. I'm sure that didn't help matters. Drifting On gave some excellent advice to me about working towards allowing each other to be vulnerable, never discussing things when we are angry, writing down potential high conflict discussions and responding in writing to each other. Try to build a relationship where we both feel safe and secure enough to show that vulnerability. It is not an easy thing to do -although we managed to with support in the marriage workshop and occasionally since then.

MC said it has to do with really listening well enough to repeat what we hear the other saying (instead of thinking about what we want to say next) and expressing how we interpret the others actions- " I feel upset...when you are late home from work and don't call….the story I tell myself when this happens is that you are with someone else and they mean more to you…"

FWIW :) I hope it helps.
 
#50 ·
This thread made me ask my husband more questions about his PA behavior. (Which he doesn't believe he has). He thinks he just doesn't like conflict and that's not a big deal because no one likes conflict. Of course this is him down playing the issue. But when I asked him why he doesn't like conflict, like how does he feel when there is conflict? He couldn't explain it to me. Then he said... "I absolutely hate making someone feel disappointed." So then I asked him, do you not like conflict because of how it makes you feel or is it how you think others feel about you? He just couldn't answer it. My husband likes to keep things light and not talk a it these things that I obviously think are so important.

I'm happy for this forum because I am learning more and more, about marriage, myself and my husband. My husband is not a talker, so I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling.
 
#52 ·
I agree with niceguy, that i have caused that by over reacting...but i also agree with AVR that i cant help but over react sometimes, i am human. So, it IS his fault for not hearing my apologies and forgiving me for mistakes i make. I shouldnt have to lose my best friend because he cant handle a few stressed out moments from me. Like someone said above i cant just not over react for the rest of my life. I am going to make more mistakes (he over reacts occasionally too and i dont hold it against how i feel about it) all i can do is try my hardest to not let stress make me treat him any less than he deserves. He deserves understanding and an environment that he can compromise with me when our needs dont align. I think he just feels like he cant win, so he doesnt risk the conflict. Which again, breaks my heart.

I keep telling him that we can talk about conflict and agree on a solution together. Even if it means he wins, i am going to listen to his side of things and be open to the possibility of him getting his way. Or we can try to find a compromise. I just dont think he believes it yet.

Niceguy, you could be right. Maybe i dont realize i do it more than what i feel like i do. Or at least, maybe i feel like it isnt enough times, but to him it is.

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#55 ·
If he adores you, then tell him you simply continue as is without the two of you going to therapy to learn a healthier way to deal with it. Tell him it's for you, so he doesn't think he's getting singled out. Of course once the therapist sees what he's doing, she'll hopefully start subtly getting him to open up about how he feels (i.e. his fears that date back to his childhood), so you can get to the root of it and start a new pattern for him.

This isn't something you can change on your own.
 
#56 ·
I agree, but it is something i have to try to help him with until we can afford to get counselling. Its not in the budget right now. And he said he wants to go. So, I know he isnt a lost cause. I guess its more about breaking the habit, and not being afraid of uncomfortable situations, conflict or embarrassment.

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#58 ·
Everyone is different. Some people don't care what their spouse thinks and just tells the truth about every little thing. Whereas others, rather lie about things to avoid the possibility of the conflict.

I am on board with the conflict avoiders'. I don't believe in the 'little lies turn into big lies, eventually' ordeal because cheating, hiding assets, or going to Vegas for a week rather than a 'made up' work function is in itself a WHOLE OTHER monster. A lot of people who lie about little things still have a conscious when it comes to royally trying to screw over a loved one.

He is avoiding conflict. He works all day and wants to see his buddy quickly after work for a few minutes and instead of telling you that and potentially ruining his night over it, he tells you he is staying a little later and it's a double-win. He sees his buddy AND avoids a potential fight - at least in his mind. But he needs to quit it if your not okay with it. How he does? That is up to him. If he has lived his whole life this way, it will take time to adjust. However, right now, in his mind, rather than potentially fighting over every issue, he tells you what you want to hear. That's how he sees it.

There could always be someone else, however, as I don't know him, so don't automatically assume he isn't up to any good unless you know for sure. I know I am backtracking somewhat on what I said earlier, But that comes with any situation when a spouse says "Ill be home late tonight." You can't ever ignore that if it continues.
 
#60 ·
See...i really feel the same way as you. Telling lies to avoid conflict doesnt mean he is morally corrupt in all ways. I dont question whether or not he is cheating on me. I know for a fact he was at his friends. They slip up later. (His best friend was actually my best friend first and he would never lie to me to cover up for my husband) His friend will say something like "are you coming back over to help me finish that motor" or something like that that gives it away that he was there. None of these situations i ever think he is cheating. But of course if there was ever a situation like that, i know he would lie about it.

Even an honest man would lie about cheating IMO.... its a rare person that will come home and say honey i slept with someone else today, i guess ill start packing. His lying doesnt make him a cheater, or a thief or a horrible person in my eyes. Just something i wish he would stop doing to me. It just makes me feel like he fears me and doesnt trust my reaction.

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#65 ·
Renee-

Have you looked into groups like Celebrate Recovery. They deal with all kinds hurts, habits, and hang-ups.

I am very triggered by your story (my ex is a compulsive liar). I hope that the lies remain benign...but even over time that can take a toll. So you need to find ways to stay emotionally healthy in the constructs of your relationship...

It will be very difficult to go this alone...

Hugs to you.
 
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