willingandable

I just stumbled on to this website and it feels like my prayers are being answered, I have been married to a wonderful woman for going on sixteen years and have to awesome girls and we have sure had our ups and downs. For that last couple of year I belive she has been trying to connect us 100 percent we have had intimacy issues and the last time we had a down we sat down to seek help from a therapist, I walked away thinking I had all kinds of tools in my belt, I was thinking she needed more help and support around the house doing chores etc. Last week I was blown away to find out she was DONE....I could see it in her eyes and it really scared me!! She says she has a place in her heart that has cement poured around it. I got down on my knees and prayed that we could make it better, I feel I have been gifted new sight and awareness but am starting to thik it might be to late. The new sight is what I see I mmissed, she did need help around the house but she also needed me to be there for her emotionally and spirtiually and I not giving her what she needed she starved. I want nothing more than to keep my family together and any make things work. I could really use some input.

Conrad

No man ever made his woman desire him by how well he could handle a vacuum.

You sound like a nice sincere guy. That's likely where your problems start.

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

See if you find yourself in these links.

We're in the Men's Clubhouse if you have any questions.

Lyn

Okay, so she SAID she was done because she felt abandoned emotionally and spiritually?

From experience and what other women tell me, I can tell you that what a woman wants most is to feel cherished. Perhaps she says she is done because she has lost hope.

Has she made any plans to end the marriage?

The best thing to do is to tell her that you have been wrong in ignoring her needs as your wife and partner and that she can be as mad as she wants to be for as long as she needs to be, but you mean to regain her trust.

Then treat her as if she is your reason for living.

Best,

Lyn

michzz

My question to you is: IF not you, WHO IS doing those things she wants?

I don't believe she is going from something to nothing.

Prodigal

As a woman speaking, something doesn't compute. You say she was trying to connect "100 percent," then you state there have been intimacy problems, but you both went to a therapist. From there, you felt you had the tools necessary to resucitate the marriage, only to find out suddenly that your wife is finished with the marriage. Kaput. Outta here.

Something about this does not sound right to me. Doing chores around the house is all well and good, but what about the tools to ensure emotional support and intimacy? I assume you had those at your disposal as a result of therapy.

And I'm in total agreement with michzz on this one: so WHO is it that is satisfying those needs if you aren't? Sounds like you've been replaced with someone else. Just a guess on my part, but when a woman blindsides a man with the I'm-so-over-this-relationship speech, it means she's been over it for AWHILE, but just decided now is the time to make the official announcement.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

This is me

It is another one. There are many of these 13, 15, 17, 20 year marriages where the woman give notice that she is emotionally out of the marriage. Mine was a shock to me earlier this year. Since then I have seen similar posts multiple times.

You will now hear about Manning-up, learn about the 180, the "Walk away wife syndrome", the female verison of a mid-life crisis and of course the possiblilty of another man.

My personal experience did show that manning up helps you, which is most important. The 180 is useful and almost like a shock treatment to get her heart beating again, in some cases, understand it fully be for starting. I believe to some degree that all these women are experiencing a mid-life crisis, which relates to the doing the walk-away (physically and/or mentally), and without a doubt due dilligence is need required to investigate if there is an EA or PA going on.

The hardest part for me is knowing that I understood our vows to mean that there would be ups and downs in the marriage. Not holding true to those vows is a breach of contract.

I wish you well. Be strong!

DayDream

All I can say is that yeah, women would like to be cherished, but myself, I would settle for just being treated like I matter. It doesn't need to be all flowers and candy all the time and the whole venus treatment.

If you had been ignoring her feelings like they don't matter for that long, and then her feelings froze up and now you are scrambling and now you care...it is now pathetic. The "too little too late" syndrome. It might seem like you've been forced to be caring and considerate of her now. I'm just grasping at some straws here and I know they aren't pleasant, but...maybe true? I don't know your whole situation but I do speak from experience and from witnessing a few other cases in which the same thing happened. There is just a difference between doing something because you want to, and doing something because you now have outside coercion or because, uh-oh, things are really looking like they are messed up.

It's a tough situation and I wish you the best. Please, if you guys figure out a solution, let us know here because I would like to know how you can fix something like this myself.

tuli

I'm new here, I searched for a forum like this because I feel disconnected from my husband. I've been married for 17 years, after marrying at 18. Have 3 kids.

I can't tell you how many discussions I had with my husband about needing more help, involvement, and there's no change. The above quote jumped at me. Ironically I do find it sexy when my husband helps out around the house. Because it tells me that he cares. He helps out for about 30 minutes every 6 months or so. I make sure I tell him how much I appreciate it, and lavish him with attention and care. He doesn't like to help me out no matter what, and of course there's no emotional connection either.

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I think you are doing the right thing. I'd be thrilled if my husband showed so much interest in staying together. I would have tried to work it out.

My marriage is obviously in worse shape than yours--my husband is a very proud, stubborn mand. He would never show me that he wanted to stay together, never 'beg'.

Be there for her. Show her that you are willing to work on the relationship. I hope you work things out.

Lyn

"My marriage is obviously in worse shape than yours--my husband is a very proud, stubborn mand. He would never show me that he wanted to stay together, never 'beg'."




I have seen men like these change their tunes when their bags are on the sidewalk or they come home to find the wife they have dismissed and abused for 50 years is dead. My father, for one. If they don;t feel there is any reason they need to change, they won;t. Sometimes they need an outside motivation.

Best,

Lyn

This is me

I think the fact that we all are here at this website shows we care.

Tuli and Lyn give advice that does not apply in my case. As Tuli describes it she would have found me very sexy husband. I have always helped with the chores and actually do much more than she. In Lyns description, I am the only one showing I care about the marriage and was the first to mention she was disengaged from the marriage and the only one interested in trying to repair it.

Maybe it is less about male or female and more about one person caring more about the marriage. I have thought in my case it comes down to a degree of which person is treating the marriage more like an adult and the other more like a teenager.

Entropy3000

And she may very well just could be done. BUT, do some investigation and see if she is having her needs met by someone else. Just best to eliminate that first. If she is in an affair you cannot work on the marriage.

Lyn

Good point.

Best,

Lyn

willingandable

I posted up my story on another thread on the 17th and decided to open my own, since then I have had a chance to really talk with my wife and get real about the marriage. After spending several hours talking and feeling out what we both want we are going to make our marriage work, We both have alot of work to do but I do have faith that the marriage will work. We have spent some awesome one on one time and I understand on my part where I went wrong......I could tell you everything there is to know about the latest archery gear from bow,arrows or broadheads but could not tell you the last time we just sat down and talked or that I even really listened to her. I understand moving foward I need to prioritize what means the most to me and by far that would be my wife and kids.

Laurae1967

Good for you for getting started. Make sure you are asking her specifically she wants more of (alone time with you, dates, little gifts, physical affection, more verbal admiration, etc.). Don't assume again you know what she wants.

I would also give her a list of what you want from HER. I'm sure if she feels disconnected, she feels like she wants to give you more of what you want. And when she gives you more of what you want, it can motivate you to giver her more of what she wants, and so on and so on.

Good luck!

Lyn

Excellent news! Good for you guys!

Probably the best advice I can give you on putting your marriage back together is to be patient and keep putting one foot in front of the other...it worked for us.

Best,

Lyn