tuli

Yep.

But since homeschooling is a big deal for me and my kids, it is not as simple as putting the kids to school.

I don't want to get into the whole homeschooling debate here, but I know that many think that homeschooled children are sheltered and don't live in the real world, and this is what I hear in some posts above. These sentiments are very common, and I hear them almost daily, but I simply don't agree. Mine are certainly not sheltered. They volunteer, they are out in the community, they take variety of classes (both for children and adults), the oldest is in guides and 4H and so on. We are hardly ever at home. They get to meet all kind of people of various ages, the oldest has mentors, they all have friends. Their world is quite real, and I'd argue more real than spending 6 hours a day with 36 peers, with a 20 minute recess during which drugs are pushed on 4th graders. Our local school is a caricature of the 'real world' and prepares them for nothing, neither academically or socially.

I really appreciate the conversation, though. One thing at least that came out of it, even after just 2 days of 'talking', is that I pretty much decided to get a part time job. I think the mere fact that I got a job, even if it is only on weekends, will shake H a bit.

Not sure if it will save me money, as I will need to hire a seater, but I think it will be good for the kids to spend time with a sitter (gotta find one, first, but I will), and DH will see that I'm serious about maintaining my qualifications. At least that's the plan for now. In this economy, with me being 10 years out of work force, and prior to that being in grad school and working various part time jobs (though in the field), my plan might not be super realistic, but I will revamp my resume and will start searching. I actually feel good about it.

tacoma

Most excellent!!

Any job will do, it`s not really about the money it`s about getting out there are moving forward.
Just knowing you`re looking for work could be enough to shake him up.

Let him pay for the sitter.

turnera

Oh, I get it. You're going to control their very lives to ensure no one YOU don't choose gets near them. Can I tell you what's going to happen? When they get around 12, 14, 16, they are going to start finding WAYS to get away from you. (maybe not the oldest) They'll start lying. They'll start hiding. They'll start sneaking. Because, instead of discussing it all with them and showing them what you expect and role-playing with them to be ok saying no and to think it through themselves so they'll LOGIC their way out of taking drugs, you're gonna try to hide them away from it all so they don't (you think) realize it's going on.

I know I won't convince you otherwise, but in my 52 years, of all the kids I've know who have gotten into drugs or gotten pregnant, probably 75% of them came from either homeschool homes or super-religious families. Who ALSO thought they could control their kids' access to all those evil influences.

omega

Well, it sounds like you've made some progress. That's great! I still think you are using homeschooling as a monumental excuse to make changes in your life that would benefit you AND your children.

Why not teach your children (since homeschooling is a great way to teach) that they should not use drugs? Then, when someone tries to sell them drugs, they will know to say "no." And then, don't give them money. Drugs aren't cheap.

I understand homeschooling. One of my best friends is a dedicated homeschooler of 4 (soon to be 5) and we have talked about it a great deal. I also have other homeschooling friends. I think they would all agree that school is not an evil thing to be avoided; to them, homeschooling is better, not the only way. After all, ALL these homeschooling parents I know... went to school, and college, and some graduate school. So did you. And you survived.

Is it that you don't trust your children to say 'no' to drugs, or is it that you don't even want them to be around drugs at all? I can understand both positions, but if you teach them properly, they can both avoid being around them (stay close to the teacher during recess) and say 'no' (learn to say 'no'). Kids are VERY susceptible to "do the right thing" kind of talk. I know. I was in DARE when I was a kid (a police program that came to all the schools and taught us about drugs - my drug was opium (meaning, I had to do a report on it, not that I ever saw it LOL) and by the end of it we were all swearing on our lives we would never use drugs. Kids WANT to do the right thing. Terrorize your kids about drugs enough and they won't use them. )

These are just excuses. How do you even know that a judge wouldn't rule in your favor in a divorce and award you enough child support to continue with homeschooling? Your husband isn't the only lawyer out there.

If you're that afraid of the local school, once you get a divorce, just move someplace else.

anom15

I can see a bit of myself in your husband. I work all day around several people. When I get home I just want some peace and quiet, maybe read the news on my computer or watch a ballgame. I think the best thing you could do to try and reconnect with him is try to find time on the weekends or whenever his days off are to go out to a movie, or to dinner. Go see a local attraction that you would both like. If he is like me, he feels like he does not have much free time during the week, and there is time when he gets home from work that he would rather just chill and watch a game than have more conversations. I am not saying him ignoring you or not wanting to talk to you is right, I am just saying that if you dont get too upset about letting him have his space during the week and try to connect with him during his days off by doing activities, that might spark what you want during the regular week as you reconnect with eachother.

chillymorn

I didn't read all the post in this thread

But no where in the posters original post did I see anything glaring that could not be worked out with some compromising.

it just seem like everyone jumped on the divorce band wagon a little early.

I agree work on your self, don't be so givving play a little hard to get.

home schooling is very difficult and in my opinion Most fail at it and end up regretting it. put thoese kids in school with the other kids so they gain social skills and learn how bad the real world can be. and how to navigate through it with all the problems.

I know a few strict christian families that home schooled because of poor schools (drugs,violence) and their kids turned out messed up . couldn't do well in college and were socially backward around their peers.

tacoma

First thing, the homeschooling isn`t the point of this OP so maybe we should lay off it.

Second, I don`t think anyone is jumping on the divorce bandwagon.

The OP needs to make some noticeable change in her life in order to either get her husband on board with the problems she has or put her in a position of strength if indeed he fails to do so.

beebee

Hi
I read your message and I am really in the same position as you, but the bottom line is you need the courage to leave him or divorce him, I have always put blocks in the way of leaving my H but basically its because i dont have the courage to do it.
My H doesnt have a particularly difficult job but he does enjoy it we have a son who is now 18 and has learnt all of his father's traits but doesnt realise it yet and it kills me that he is doing exactly the same and he swore hed never do the things his father does.
My H gets home from work and i generally make the evening meal if im not at home because i have 2 jobs then he'll get a takeaway for himself sometimes he'll ask our son if he wants anything, then the house shuts down for 1/ to 1 and a half hours so he can have a kip, then he sits at the computer all night talking to his friends from all over the world. Every now and again he'll notice that the vacing needs doing so he does that or the kitchen needs moping, but he'll never ever make a real meal or iron, clean the bathroom or change a bed ever period thats 20 years worth of silent refusal, yes i have tried to talk to him about this.

So what do i do - i do it myself and hate myself for doing it, i have 2 jobs and believe me i'd get more if i had the energy neither of us have had a payrise for 2 years because of the horrendous economy yet the bills keep coming in.
My son now works full time he comes in from work and there is a meal waiting for him, he is grateful but doesnt realise he is doing exactly the same as H. If there is nothing to eat he'll get a takeaway rather than cook something. Neither of them will attempt to make me anything to eat when i get in, but they will buy me a takeaway if they are getting one.
So T if you think you're children wont turn into either you or your H then you are sadly mistaken, ive turned into my mother who put up with a Victorian husband.

I used the excuse of our son was too young, that my H is so jealous of other men i could not go out without an argument, and i had to start telling him at least 2 weeks before i went out because he'd accuse me of not telling him that i was going out. He'd go out without even telling me or id have to be ready by a certain time otherwise he'd go without me. If i had of left him at that point in my life he would never have left me and my son alone. So i started putting blocks in my path why i couldnt leave - our son was too young, our son was taking exams, it would bankrupt both of us if i left, and the last stumbling block ive managed to put up, we got a dog but not just any old dog, one say that you could move around with you because if i did leave now our son would still come with me and we got the dog for his 18th. Its a Rotweiler. if i did leave then id have to rent and not many places round here would put up with a dog that size.

Where you maintain that the venue for education is one of the major reasons of staying put mine was that children need both parents especially when both parents really loves the children. At this moment in time your H may not have much input with your children but what about when they start playing football or tennis whatever they choose, they will need fetching and carrying, at this point your H might start coming into his own, when he feels needed rather than wanted but then again he may not, use his father as a point of reference, it sounds like your H is mirroring him.

As for your relationship with your H it may be that you are not just that compatible, sometimes people just aren't and as he was your first and childhood sweetheart then you have no comparison unfortunately or have you tried something different with him like fantasies for example or dressing up, even texting really sexy messages to him might work.

Also you say you have no friends and no relatives, i take it then you were an only child, however if you did have your parents still or siblings would you be telling them all of your problems or would you feel they were too close to you?

I dont wish to sound harsh at all and that is probably how im coming across but honestly the only way to change your life is to move forward with it, and just because you love your husband are you in love with him or do you love the actual stability, it offers, can you try out some hobbies on an evening like aerobics, zumba, book reading clubs etc, your H will then have to look after the children and put them to bed and you get some me time.

You are not over reacting to your situation quite the opposite but you are being made to feel as if you are especially by his silence and inability to communicate with you, but why should he, he's got the toffee and hal'enny.

Only you can decide what to do and when to do it and if the best way of coping is to talk to people on sites like this then so be it because you'll get plenty of support in the meantime.

Halien

Hi Tuli,

I'll say from the outset that I understand where you are coming from with homeschooling. My daughter was homeschooled, and became a professional musician by the time she was 16, and published two short works of fiction before beginning college (I write fiction as a hobby). She's incredibly confident, a social butterfly, but she had similar anxiety issues as a child. She's in college, in two honor fraternities, working towards a phd. My son is pretty average academically, but he's very popular in school now that he has transitioned to a good public school. We did have problem with drugs, but it was the parents of his friends. I nearly ended up in jail when he called me while spending the night with a friend, but my son was mature enough to pick better friends.

In our case, we transitioned our kids to private schools in middle school. My daughter tested at college level, so she had to go to an advanced private school only, but my son was able to go to a public school by advancing one grade higher.

I'll admit, in the first couple of sentences from the original post, I was going to suggest giving your husband a little time to decompress, but then your post just kept getting scarier and scarier. I'm really sorry for what you are going through.

I really think you are on the right track with training and preparing yourself for re-entering school. Also, is it possible to begin setting money aside to prepare for getting out? My wife and I had a friend in a similar situation. She began asking her husband to let her take classes for crafts and hobbies, but saved the money instead, and just spent time elsewhere. Also, she got cash back at the grocery every time to mask her savings.

The key is that the time away will begin to suggest that you are preparing yourself to be able to get by without a connection to him. He'll notice, though. The money will give you confidence and a bit of security, even if you decide to work on reconcialtion, if he changes.

Laurae1967

You seem to believe that living in denial is your best option. I totally disagree.

You also seem to have some misinformation about therapy (they only see you every week).

You seem so afraid of truly confronting your problems for fear it will be too hard for you. So instead you are living a miserable existence (which, by the way, you are modeling for your kids). How is that healthy or productive?

I sense you need to be in control. Controlling your kids, controlling their environment, and maybe even controlling your husband. You even seem to need to control your sexual relationship. It seems like you are trying to have such a tight grip on everything and trying to control every outcome, beyond what is healthy, I think.

The other thing you should know is that often kids who have emotional issues do so because of the FAMILY dynamic. It's probably nice to put the blame squarely on your husband, but you are part of the family system and you are part of the equation.

Please find a psychologist (not just any therapist) who will work with you on your issues. You can't control your husband, or your children, but you CAN take control of your problems and your life.

turnera

fwiw, I have no problem at all with homeschooling; not trying to criticize you for that. (although I think that if your reason really is to protect them from drugs, that's...interesting).

I just want to make sure you are being honest with yourself and knowing the real reasons for the decisions you make. Your story sounds like that of a possible abuse victim and, if that is true, you need to face that head on.

tuli

Good luck to you too. I hope you work it out, one way or another.

tuli

Thanks. I do notice that things get worse when he is under pressure at work. He goes on autopilot, and his autopilot is very patriachal. Intellectually he is aware that he is wrong, and he said so himself, but when he is exhausted, that's he default.

Some times I deal pretty well with his stress, but some times, when I'm stressed myself, I start wallowing in self pity.

Today he came home from work at 9pm, and said the entire week will be like this. Yet I could see he tried to connect with the kids for a few minutes, and talked to me for a few minutes. I know it took effort from him, so he is trying.

tuli

Second, I don`t think anyone is jumping on the divorce bandwagon.

Thanks. I don't understand why several here are focusing on 'teach your child to say no to drugs'. That's not the point.

The quality of our public schools here is not my only reason to homeschool. I educated myself well on the topic, and I am convinced that at this time homeschooling is the best option for my children. I'm not saying that it will always be, or that it is right for everyone, but the quality of our public schools plus the personalities and learning styles of my children make homeschooling an option of which I'm very sure and don't wish to debate.

I get it that the option is not popular. It is the easiest to suggest that an unpopular life choice should be the first to go in a challenging marital situation.

[/QUOTE]


I'm working on this. I periodically go through periods when I feel the situation will never improve and these are my low moments. This is also when I decided to post here and seek feedback.

Most of the time, I feel somewhat better about our marriage, though not ecstatic. However, there are a lot of things that go for H. He is loyal, he doesn't abuse any substances, he is very generous with money (both to me and others), and he trusts me implicitely about educational choices and is proud of the way our children are educated and raised. Well, that's all I can think of right now, so maybe it isn't much.

tuli

Thank you for your post. I do worry about my son being like H, but I also think that H and I are a very poor match. So being like H is not the worst thing in the world, but it is pretty bad when he is matched with someone like me.

I think H really needs a mommy-wife. He wants to be mothered. I grew up without a father, I'd probably do better if I too was babied a bit. I don't mean in terms of being totally taken care of, but in terms of the balance in the dynamics. And when we first met and I was 17, and him being a decade older, I felt secure and protected. And then the dynamics changed. We both got educated, achieved graduate degrees, grew up, became more equal. I'm not the same naive and insecure girl, and he probably doesn't feel as as manly as he used to (with me as a young girl).

I think that if I had siblings or parents, or aunts / uncles, I'd have more of a security net. Not that I'd need to share with them, but I'd know that if I decided to leave H, they'd support me in my decision. Even something like an occasional baby sitting by a relative, would be helpful. But of course many with relatives don't have this kind of support either, so it is not really the point.

Ironically, H's brother told me several times that H is a handful to live with, and gave their mother grief, and that I'm an angel for putting up with him. He also said that he'd support my decision to leave me (we had this conversation years ago, yeah, it has been a rocky marriage). This is his brother who is very close with H, and they are good friends, but also butt heads. I'm not comfortable anymore with discussing this with my brother in law, or relying on his support, but I'm just saying this to illustrate that even if his loving brother thinks that H is horrible to live with, there's some truth to it.

Interestingly, his brother is very different from H, and treats his wife very well. He is a thoughtful, considerate, more understanding, and talks a lot. So I wonder how much of it is personality, vs. modelling after a parent. Thankfully my son is much more similar to his uncle, personality wise, than H.