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How should I handle this situation regarding my wife and her male friend, Do I have

23K views 138 replies 44 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
So my wife wants to go on a getaway to Europe with her best male friend. They've been friends for years (longer than I've known my wife). They call each other "best friends forever" and "big sis" and "little bro." But part of me is convinced that this guy is in love with her. He treats me with contempt and is always trying to minimize me in her eyes. He is ALWAYS around, and it seems my wife and I can't do anything without her wanting to invite this guy along.

I've tried my hardest to respect her other relationships with people and not be a controlling jerk. But this guy bothers me. The thing that strikes me the most is that this guy has become more and more of a presence in my wife's life the closer we've gotten. It's almost as if he's competing with me for her affections and has stepped up his efforts to remain the #1 guy in her life as my wife and I have grown closer. Every time my wife does something, or goes on a trip with her girlfriends, he comes along.

Both him and my wife are insistent that there is no romantic relationship at all. But that it's like a big sister-little brother relationship. Now my wife wants to go to Europe with him. The thing that makes me so angry is that I have told my wife I would love to take a trip with her and she dismisses it as something she's not interested in. Now she's already booked her plane tickets to go to London with this guy in September. I'm at a loss and very angry. I have expressed my frustrations to my wife and she just tells me there's nothing wrong with it because it's like taking a trip with a brother. I just don't understand this, and part of me just wants to tell her to just divorce me and marry him. I love my wife so much, but it seems like she's more interested in spending time with her "best friend forever" than around me. What do I do? Should I leave her??

Update: It should be noted that I have tried to talk to her about this. She just shuts me down and tells me I'm being ridiculous, that this is "their thing" and I should just get over it. I've also confronted the "best friend" and he says that he's known her longer than me and that I should just step off, that I don't understand what they have and how special it is. Yet, neither of them wants to be romantically involved (supposedly). I don't understand this. Am I wrong for being angry and feeling like my feelings are being trampled on?
 
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#6 · (Edited)
Another man is dating your wife and taking her on romantic vacations. That okay with you?

If you're not okay with that, then it's probably well past time to have a calm, polite, but extremely serious discussion with her about her apparent need to prioritize him over her own husband. I'd likely be inclined to let her know that I wasn't willing to continue in a marriage where my wife made another man her first priority.

But you cannot say that unless you really mean it. So, are you willing to leave her over this? If you're not, what are you willing to do if it doesn't stop? Think about it and come up with whatever you're willing to enforce as a consequence for her flagrant disregard for you and your marriage. Communicate that to her, clearly and calmly, then let her decide how she wants to proceed. You cannot change or control her, but you are absolutely within your rights to not stick around in a marriage where you're playing second string to your wife's opposite sex bestie.
 
#7 ·
Clearly this is inappropriate and not married behaviour. You sound like waaaay to much of a "nice guy". It doesn't matter if SHE is ok with it. It doesn't matter if HE is ok with it. What matters is it's YOUR marriage and your wife. And it matters that YOUR NOT OK WITH IT. And if it doesn't matter to her... that your not ok with it that is very telling. You need to establish some very firm boundries of what is and is not ok in your view of a marriage and not deviate from it. If your ok with there friendship under certain terms then communicate that. If your not ok with that at all then communicate that. If your wifes "friend" is more important that her husband then you really need to look at exactly what kind of marriage you have. It's great you love your wife so much..... but if she loved you back as much she wouldn't discount your feelings blow you off. Tell her what's no ok with you. If she does it anyways then there needs to be a consequence....(not physical) I mean like seperation talk etc.
 
#9 ·
Both him and my wife are insistent that there is no romantic relationship at all. But that it's like a big sister-little brother relationship. Now my wife wants to go to Europe with him. The thing that makes me so angry is that I have told my wife I would love to take a trip with her and she dismisses it as something she's not interested in. Now she's already booked her plane tickets to go to London with this guy in September. I'm at a loss and very angry. I have expressed my frustrations to my wife and she just tells me there's nothing wrong with it because it's like taking a trip with a brother. I just don't understand this, and part of me just wants to tell her to just divorce me and marry him. I love my wife so much, but it seems like she's more interested in spending time with her "best friend forever" than around me. What do I do? Should I leave her??

Update: It should be noted that I have tried to talk to her about this. She just shuts me down and tells me I'm being ridiculous, that this is "their thing" and I should just get over it. I've also confronted the "best friend" and he says that he's known her longer than me and that I should just step off, that I don't understand what they have and how special it is.
Hmmm. Ok, in the chance that you are real, and this is real, if I was you I would tell her that she can go on this trip, but she will be doing it as a single person. Tell her that all her belongings will be boxed and stored, and the locks on the house changed. And I would really mean it. Ask her where does she want her belongings, and a copy of the divorce papers, to be sent.
 
#12 ·
This reads to me like a financial arrangement. Your paying the bills and padding the bank account and effectively paying for or at least partially paying for her and her "man friend" dating itinerary...are you seriously going to just let this happen? Because no matter what she may think of you now (lack of respect wise) it will be 100 times worse after you seriously LET another man take her on a romantic holiday. And you will even be disgusted with yourself when you reflect on it.

What do you think would happen if you decided to take your pretty secretary on a holiday to europe without your wife? Either way is bad. If she isn't ok with it then its pretty clear she should understand why you aren't. Even worse.... if she doesn't mind then she really doesn't care about you at all.
 
#14 ·
I don't get the way things are nowadays,but in my time,no other man would tell me to step off when it came to my wife without some major decisive push back and what that might entail.

This is obviously,at the very least if not more,a strong emotional relationship(affair) that relegates your marital concerns and expectations,as well as the marriage itself,to the back burner.
 
#15 ·
Ive talked about this with several of my family members and friends, and the think I should have kicked this guys butt by now. The thing is that I don't like physical conflict and am not a fan of going to jail on assault charges. I cant seem to talk with her without her getting annoyed or offended. I'm thinking about asking her to go to marriage counseling with me.
 
#45 ·
Yep. He has had girlfriends before. Sadly most of them were with other men. :mad:

OK. Whilst she is away a tragic event will take place. You will have lost your house keys.

Ooops! How careless. But wait! What if you didn't loose them? What if some bounder had stolen your keys?

Well, if the latter were even a remote possibility you will have to change the lock mechanisms on all of the doors and get yourself issued with new keys.

But wouldn't that mean your wife would have no keys? Yes, that would be an unfortunate side effect, wouldn't it?

Oh, then you issue her with the divorce papers.
 
#21 ·
She is dismissing you in favor of this other man, she is holding another man in higher regard than you. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings at all. Telling you this is "Their Thing" and you need " To Get Over It". Brother, women who love their husbands don't treat them this way. And they don't go away for extended vacations with other men, alone. What further shows her disrespect for you, is the fact YOU would like to take this vacation with her, but she chooses him. Something is very wrong here.

I also have to agree with you assessment of the other man. He is prying into your marriage and has become a wedge between you and your wife. What further proves the point is him telling you to " Step Off", sounds like he is the husband telling you to get out of his relationship business. This is no good.

Bottom line, you can't control your wife. You can only control you. You need to make it clear to her that 3 don't make a marriage, and that you are no longer going to tolerate being ignored, minimized, and disrespected, by the two of them. That she can go on this trip with him if she wants, but when she gets back you will be gone, and divorce papers will be waiting for her.

You must take a firm stand here and stick by your words. Don't let her back you down or intimidate you. If she thinks you are bluffing, and tells you to go ahead, because she is still going, then file for divorce NOW. You have to let her know you done with their crap. These two are playing you for the fool.
 
#25 ·
Stop caring if she gets angry or annoyed. YOU ARE ANGRY AND ANNOYED!!! She's the one putting the marriage at risk and acting inappropriately not you. Stop being a push over and worrying about her mood. It's as simple as this:

I am not ok with your friendship with bob.

I am not ok with you prioritizing your friendship with bob over our marriage.

I should not have and will no longer share my wife with another man.

This friendship and trip either ends now.... or you can leave me the address you would like your **** and the divorce papers forwarded to upon your return... period. This is non negotiable. Shall you decide you want to stay married to me we should attend some marriage councelling as we obviously have VERY different views of what a marriage actually is and how one should behave in one.

Done talking. It doesn't matter what she says or how mad she gets after this. She either meets your terms or she does not. And you follow through. Because if you draw a line in the sand and let her cross it........she will always have no respect, walk all over and you and do whatever she wishes. And you will NOT have a marriage by your definition.
 
#26 ·
1) She is clearly cheating on you. Definitely emotionally, almost certainly physically.

2) You are a "Nice Guy" who refuses to stand up for himself.

3) This trip is a "Sex-Vacation" away from your annoying complaints.

You do not have a marriage. Instead you are funding your "wife's" romps. I would tell her to have fun on her trip, that you no longer care, and have your lawyer contact her when she hits the airport letting her know where to sign on the line.

Divorce and find a woman who respects you.
 
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