After reading a lot of threads about marriage issues, I see that a lot of people suggest setting limits and boundaries, what you will not put up with, and then you are to set and stick to consequences of crossing those lines or breaking the rules.
I struggle with understanding what a specific consequence in marriage would look like.... other than, im going to be mad. Lol
For example if your spouse has an issue with hiding purchases or something like that. And you tell him "okay thats it, you need to stop hiding purchases, or i will _____." Fill in the blank. What does consequences mean...
Not just in that example, because i could see in that example you could take away the debit card or reduce their spending money or something. But in general what consequences do you set...
I am a huge believer in natural/logical consequences, but ones that aren't necessarily 'punishments'. Because we are talking about adults here. I also like consequences to be something that *I* do, rather than something I do *TO* the other person.
So if my husband had a spending problem, maybe I would stop buying his favorite foods when I did groceries (because I couldn't afford them). Or we'd stop going on date night. Or I'd have to move money out of our savings account. Or we'd have to postpone a vacation. Whatever it was, it would be something meaningful to him, not just something that hit him in the pocketbook. Taking away a debit card is the kind of thing you'd do to a preteen. I suppose you COULD do it to your husband, but then there's a whole set of other problems at play that simply taking away the card is not going to solve.
In some cases it is appropriate to do something to the other person. Like if they cheat, you kick them out of the house.
I like your ideas. thank you. No my specific issues arent really money related. yes occasionally but i am basically asking for any problem that comes up. I wouldnt be able to take away his debit card anyway...he owns his own business so he kind of needs it [emoji14] but we do the budget together and i think its a good idea if he does over spend without agreeing before hand i could just reduce a category that means something to him, like the eating out fund or the camping fund.
I like the ideas you came up with but geez its so hard to think of natural consequences for every situation.
Id be interested in hearing everyones specific issues in their relationship and the natural consequences you set for them.
Trust me i am not interested in treating my husband like a child (like in the taking his card idea, that is something i couldnt do personally) this is why its difficult for me to think of consequences that dont sound like a parent/child relationship.
If it was related to money, I would consider moving my paycheck into a separate bank account and possibly canceling any credit cards (if you can pay them off).
Of course if things don't get any better and you end up getting divorced, you'll still be splitting your money (and debt) 50/50. But it sends a message that you are willing to take action and make changes instead of just complaining and being mad.
I am a stay at home mom...and dont have my own paycheck (well i do have my own business but it is on hold right now as my kids are young and take up all of my time) so this wouldnt work for me but our problems arent money usually. I just used that as an example. Thanks for your input
Well, my husband can't hear but refuses to do anything about it, or even admit he has a problem. So whenever he doesn't hear me, I speak very slowly and loudly into his ear or face as if speaking to a very elderly deaf person.
He does not eat very healthily - way too many carbs and too much food. So when I cook I make sure to cook two kinds of veggies and no carbs so he ends up eating just meat and has to fix himself something else if he wants it.
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