Hello everyone. I was searching on google and came across your community. Everyone here seems to have great ideas and are very supportive of one another. I just wanted to find someone to talk about my situation to, and see if there is any advice.
I married my wife just over a year ago and we have been dating for almost 4 years. Things were going well for most of our relationship but since we have been married there has been a progressive change in her behavior.
1. She has a big time jealousy problem. Every time I meet a female, maybe at work or in some sort of situation she becomes very jealous. If I add a coworker on facebook, or talk about my day and a female coworker comes up in conversation she goes into what I call "investigation mode". She will start interrogating me with questions like "who is she, how old is she, is she married, does she have a boyfriend, do you think she is pretty, does she like you, do you like her". On the surface these questions may seem quite normal, but the tone in which she says them and how she strings them together, you can tell she is jealous. Every time I am doing something online, or on my phone when she is around she is constantly hanging over my shoulder, trying to see what I'm doing, who I'm talking to ect ect. Now I have no problem with my wife knowing who I talk to or what I am doing, but I would like to be open about it, not feel like I am under constant suspicion. Because I have never done anything to warrant any sort of suspicion. I have asked her before if there was some sort of behavior I exhibit or something that I have done that makes her suspicious that I am going to cheat and she assures me there is not. So I have no idea how to handle this. It is starting to stress me out. I feel like I have to hide things from her like certain situations at work, or who I interact with on the internet for fear of being interrogated.
2. She is very controlling all of the sudden. When we were dating, she had no problem with me hanging out with the guys, playing some video games or just relaxing and doing my own things. But now it is like I have to spend every single second possible that I can giving her attention. She does not wan't me to do anything that is just for me. If I want to watch sports she gets upset, if I want to just go see a buddy for a couple of hours and talk over a few beers she gets anxious and sad. If I want to fire up the xbox for a little bit she gets annoyed. I love my wife and I love doing things with her. However, there are just days where there is not much to do, or days I feel like watching the game or seeing a bud. It's not like I am asking to go out to the bar every Friday night and get trashed and stay out until 5 in the morning. I just would like the chance to go see my buddies over a couple of beers without her getting all upset and depressed about it. She gets all worried about me doing things like drinking, hanging out with my friends ect. I have not been drunk in over 4 years and she knows this. I am extremely responsible but she treats every situation of me going somewhere without her as if I am going to go get trashed and end up in a hotel room with a girl. She constantly monitors and critiques my behavior. I want to have an open relationship and talk with her but I am getting so tired I have slipped into the trap of concealing things from her because it is easier that way. I know that is wrong but what should I do?
You've admitted to hiding/concealing (omitting) things from your wife, so she may actually be justified in being concerned. You have to remember that it takes two to contribute to or resolve a problem together. I would deeply examine her fears and see what triggers bring them about, if I were you. Posted via Mobile Device
That is a good point. And I fully admit that hiding things is wrong. However, the hiding things started when it just started getting so plain hard to tell her anything.
Let me put it this way, my wife hates to hear the truth. If she hears something unpleasant or that she does not want to hear she reacts so poorly. She gets sad, depressed, angry, and hurtful. This is not just with something like "I lost my job". These are things like "I want to watch the ballgame tonight". Believe me, I am a very open person and tell my wife everything. It just got to the point where her reactions and the way she treated me got so stressful that I started to conceal more. I dont want to conceal anything, but I feel like I almost have no choice now.
You're teaching her how to treat you, and it's not good. By allowing her responses to control your behavior, you're giving her the control in your relationship. In my opinion, you need to be open with her in what you're doing and want to do, and deal with the fallout as grown ups. If the two of you can't do that, then perhaps counseling to develop better communication skills might be in order.
Let me put it this way...I am a very open person and tell my wife everything... I dont want to conceal anything, but I feel like I almost have no choice now.
She is your mirror - look deeply. You are excusing your behavior and blaming her. If she doesn't like the truth that is HER problem. It's no excuse to stoop to being deceptive and being the very thing that she fears. Take responsibility for YOUR part in this distress. Stop lying, start being honest and try to be sensitive. She may just need you to say, "Everything is okay", not, "You shouldn't feel/act this way." Posted via Mobile Device
[ I want to have an open relationship and talk with her but I am getting so tired I have slipped into the trap of concealing things from her because it is easier that way. I know that is wrong but what should I do?[/QUOTE]
Don't do this...just don't. The reason she's behaving the way she is, is that she can likely sense your lies, no matter how white you think they are...what you are doing is feeding insecurity.
I agree with Candigirl. Your wife is not reacting to the words that you are saying. She is reacting to the fact that she senses you are covering something up. So in appearance, it seems like she's overreacting to what you are saying, but her reaction has nothing to do with what you are saying. She's picking up on the mistrust cue and therefore, you going out with a buddy makes her ask herself "where is he REALLY going and what is he hiding this time?".