TheDoors

Hi,

After spending hours on goolge and trying to find some advice on what to do, I finally stumbled upon this forum. We've been living together for two years now and have marriage plans and want to start a family together.

However, from day one that we moved in together, I noticed one thing that could become a problem, and now two years later it did. His mother spoiled him by always cleaning his room, doing laundery and basically he didn't have to clean anything himself. Even before I moved in he would only vaccuum the floor when he found it too dangerous to walk barefoot and pick up his clothes when he could no longer see the floor.

In the beginning we shared a small room together and cleaning up after him was no biggie since it was so small. However, we've moved to a bigger house last year and now I'm really starting to notice the problems piling up, literarly, around the sink, the floor, the couch etc.

I asked him, commanded him, begged him and even cried to have him help me clean up the house or even part of the mess like doing the dishes or anything. He did once but I told him the plates weren't clean enough (and believe me when there are pieces of egg yolk stuck to a white plate, it's not clean enough) but in his opinion he thought it was and he now says that even if he were to clean I'd have to do it all over again since he doesn't do it well enough.

Now I love this man to bits. In every other aspect he is wonderful, but this is really killing me! What will happen when I'm pregnant and can no longer bend down to pick up his mess? Or when we have children? For the record, he doesn't work, has less classes to attend at uni than me and still doesn't clean. It doesn't even enter his head.

Please don't say withhold sex or stuff like that, I'm against such things. I'm just wondering if I'm fooling myself that he will change? I'd do nearly anything for him if it didn't conflict with my believes and morals, just to please him, but he can't even muster up the willpower to help me clean? Please someone help I'm at my last strand here.

AgentD

If this is not a deal breaker for you, then you may have to live with it in hopes he will change. You can try to enforce some rules about helping etc, but its not likely to work. You did say you have even cried and begged.


However, you need to get a visual picture of yourselves a few years down the road, after marriage, kids etc. It probably wont change, if anything it may become worse. I am by no means saying he can't change and start to help more, but because this was done for him by his mother and he is used to it, it will take a lot to help him wake up and see the light.

Right now, unfortunately he probably sees you at the "mother" type. Because you're continuing to do for him, what was done for him for so long.

If you still love him and he is wonderful in all other areas but being clean, you could always move out, get separate places but continue to date. Chances are, if you two ever do get married, he might need to do some growing up before that happens. ALL cleaning responsiblity shouldn't just fall on one person.

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"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten."

Jamison

He will never learn to do on his own as long as you are doing for him. His mother didn't do him any favors by doing all of that his whole life.

Best thing to do is, clean your part. If the mess he makes is his own then he needs to learn to clean it. That may or may not ever happen. You will eventually have to decide what you are willing to live with and not.