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post #31 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-10-2016, 10:31 PM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

I'm going to jump in with, "that's my H" as well. Several reasons things can be this way. My H's reason is just that he doesn't give a crap. So long as he's happy....everything's fine. Doesn't matter if everyone else around him is miserable. No real advice unless she is willing to go to counseling. If not, you can't force her. You can't make her talk. You CAN tell her you won't put up with it though and be willing to leave the marriage to prove it. Outside of that, you can leave.

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post #32 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 04:23 AM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

Your wife doesn't love you.
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post #33 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 05:12 PM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

Your wife sounds depressed to me. It sounds like you guys are in a slump. Do you find time together by your selves? It's so important to connect and laugh and enjoy each other's company. You guys need to date again. Is she open to communication? Is she happy with the marriage!
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post #34 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 05:52 PM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

Six Things to Know About Sexual Refusal - The Forgiven Wife

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", The 5 Love Languages, take a hard look at yourself, change anything you see in yourself that needs improvement.

Then, unfortunately, you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.
Have a serious talk that the marriage cannot succeed in it's current trajectory.
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post #35 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 06:44 PM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by frakes View Post
Two years is a little long for post natal depression, isn't it?
No! It isn't! It can last for three years or more in some cases.

Postnatal depression - NHS Choices

How Long Does Postpartum Depression Last?

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #36 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-12-2016, 04:55 PM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

Frakes,

OK. Time for an action plan. From the sound of it, you're not afraid of some work. You'd be willing to tolerate the situation getting worse in the short term to get the marriage you deserve in the long run.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Tell your wife that you're not happy with a sexless marriage. (That's less than 10x per year, in case she argues.) You want a wife that returns your affections, not a baby-momma roommate.

2. Tell her that you are going to a marriage counselor. Tell her that she is welcome to go with you, but you're going either way. (Book a session with a counselor.)

3. Tell her you are going to start working on improving yourself. Admit your shortcomings and tell her what you're going to do to improve.

4. Tell her that you and she are going to have a family meeting every day. You'll make a list together on what needs to be done that day and who will do it. (That way you're working from an agreed-upon list. Eliminates her telling what to do from her list.) If she refuses to participate, make your own to-do list and get it done by the next meeting.

5. Start giving your wife compliments and show appreciation for what she does well. Do it many times a day. Show her affection, even if it isn't well received. You need to lead the way by showing her the right behavior.

6. Whenever she has a legitimate complaint about your behavior, own it and fix it. When she nitpicks, tell her, "For marriage to work, we need to say 4 nice things to each other for every complaint. Is THIS issue worth 4 compliments to you?" It points out the imbalance in her conduct and sends the signal that her behavior is affecting the marriage.

7. Don't act like her servant. She can get her own drink from the fridge (unless you're already standing at the fridge.) She can get her own snacks from the store (unless you're already headed there.) Anything she expects you to do can be discussed at the family meeting.

8. If she goes into screaming mode or starts a complain-a-thon, listen quietly until she stops. Then ask, "Are you done, or is there more?" Listen quietly again until she stops, and ask again "Are you done or is there more?" When she says she's done or insists that you respond, tell her calmly, "You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to take some time and process it so I don't react emotionally." If she demands more from you, just repeat those last two sentences.

Hope this helps!
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post #37 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 05:59 AM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

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If and if you can find a good MC that would be the place to start.
Can we at least change this non-advice to something like "get her to the point that she WANTS TO GO to marriage counseling". We all have known about marriage counseling since we were 12. What they DON'T know is that both spouses need to WANT to go. Actually, this non-advice is BAD non-advice.
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post #38 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 06:06 AM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

My god. I'm only through half of the second page and I already need two hands to count all of the "OMG! That's just like me/my spouse"!!!

And we're still not dealing with this pandemic the way we should. NOBODY is connecting the dots. Except me.

She.
Is.
Gone.

It's a CLEAR pattern. And nobody gets it.
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post #39 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-13-2016, 06:09 AM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

I'm going to suggest marriage counseling as well.

The major problem here is that the OP married his spouse knowing full well that communication, sex, etc. were not her "strong" suits. Once again, these things don't tend to improve after marriage. Throw a baby into the mix, and her focus will be primarily on the child.

OP, your best bet will be to insist on counseling. Please don't ignore her or engage in other immature behaviors that have been suggested here.

You need to let her know that this isn't a tolerable situation for you and there needs to be change.

Good luck.
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post #40 of 40 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 07:05 AM
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Re: Unaffectionate Wife

Frakes: As someone mentioned earlier. Read "No more Mr. Nice guy" by Robert Glover. Or listen to it on audible or iTunes. For all the other men here who say their marriage is just like yours, they need to read this book too. This is just the first part. To me, this book is the first step. I can recommend higher level material. Just read this book. You won't believe how you relate to it.

What has basically happened is your wife has lost respect for you. She did not do this on purpose. It happened over many years. She does still love you and she loves your child as well. She is not depressed. You also do not need counseling. You need to be a man. You probably think " I am a good husband", " I help out with the kids and the house and the finances etc". Why does she treat me like this?

It is counter intuitive. You think you are being a nice guy and that is the problem. The solution is not to do the opposite and be a complete jerk. That will drive her away. But being a good husband is driving her away too. I have been there. From what I see, many responders are there now. In fact, most relationships are there too. Once you become more involved in this process, you will see marriages like this all the time. You will go out to dinner and just tell that the couple or family next to you is in the same boat. You hear the wife and you can just tell.

We can get more involved in this as time goes on. "No more Mr. Nice guy" is the first step. It is a baby step. This will open your eyes. Eventually you need to become a leader. Take care of your needs. Stop being such a nice guy. Not in a bad way or a jerk way. It takes time. A lot of time, because you have ingrained beliefs that will take a very long time to change. You have also been a nice guy for your whole marriage and this will take a lot of time to change. But it can be done. Small steps. You will start to notice small behavior changes in your wife. You will eventually become a person she respects. She will start flirting with you. Not on purpose though. As you advance in this, you will be obliging her need for great sex. You won't be having sex with her but obliging her need for great sex. A big difference.
This is more advanced stuff but you will get there. But it doesn't happen over night. I have been where you are. Read Dr. Glovers book.

Welcome to the journey. It is amazing how your wife will respond to you as you grow as a leader in and out of the bedroom.

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