How can I talk to my husband?
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Old 10-24-2011, 02:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How can I talk to my husband?

We have been together for 11 years and we have the exact same fights over and over and over. We both have problems with each other, and I think we have a disconnect somewhere, and I just don't know how to get through to him. Some of the issues that he wants me to change are just not "changeable". For example, I'm an emotional person - I wear my heart on my sleeve and I get my feelings hurt easily. When we fight, I cry. I can't really help it, that's how I am. I also talk a lot, sometimes he's fine with it, other times it drives him batty. How can I be faulted for that...I have been that way for our entire relationship.

On the other hand, some of the issues that I have with him he just chooses not to change, such as using a word or phrase that he knows offends me or hurts my feelings. I have asked him to "try" a little harder to actually show that he cares about me or to initiate sex, which normally I have to do. Usually after a fight, it will change for a few days or a week, but then it goes right back to the way it was.

Why can't I get through to him? How can I make him understand that there are certain things that you just can't expect a person to change? Am I wrong for thinking this way?
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Old 10-24-2011, 02:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I talk to my husband?

You are wrong to think he is the only problem in the relationship. The two of you TOGETHER have created this unhappy dynamic, so it will take the TWO of you changing and growing to resolve the problems.

You expect him to be understanding of the way you are and in the next breath say he needs to change. Do you see how this might seem unfrair and frustrating to him?
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Old 10-24-2011, 02:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I talk to my husband?

You could try going to the marriage builders website, download the Emotional Needs Questionaire, and read Love Busters as well.
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Old 10-24-2011, 03:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I talk to my husband?

Laurae1967 - Wow, that seemed a little harsh. I never said that he is the only problem in this marriage and I wasn't trying to imply that we don't need to work on this together. I was simply asking for advice about HOW to talk to him because I don't seem to be getting through. How can I explain that I can't just stop being an emotional person...it's not a choice, it is part of me. If you know how I can stop being that way, I would be happy to try it out because I certainly don't enjoy crying every time we argue. Whereas, him choosing to use a certain phrase even though it upsets me, is a choice, he is choosing to use that because he either doesn't care or doesn't respect me. I am not emotional as a way to annoy him. I provided examples just to try to illustrate that some of our differences are not comparable, and I need to know how to talk to him about them. These are NOT the only problems in the marriage, but they are some of the bigger ones.
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Old 10-24-2011, 03:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I talk to my husband?

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Originally Posted by what.happened.to.us? View Post
Laurae1967 - Wow, that seemed a little harsh. I never said that he is the only problem in this marriage and I wasn't trying to imply that we don't need to work on this together. I was simply asking for advice about HOW to talk to him because I don't seem to be getting through. How can I explain that I can't just stop being an emotional person...it's not a choice, it is part of me. If you know how I can stop being that way, I would be happy to try it out because I certainly don't enjoy crying every time we argue. Whereas, him choosing to use a certain phrase even though it upsets me, is a choice, he is choosing to use that because he either doesn't care or doesn't respect me. I am not emotional as a way to annoy him. I provided examples just to try to illustrate that some of our differences are not comparable, and I need to know how to talk to him about them. These are NOT the only problems in the marriage, but they are some of the bigger ones.

You may not be able to control your emotions, but you are certainly in control of how you react/respond to what's been said.

You say that you guys keep having the same fights over and over again... why is that? If you aren't willing to change, and he's not willing to change, then IMO there's nothing to fight about. You both are saying to one another that this is who I am, take it or leave it.
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Old 10-24-2011, 07:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I talk to my husband?

I found that both of us reading Love Busters was a good resources.
If you go to the marriage builders website, you can find some articles to read, or have him read, it's about recognizing behavior.
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Old 10-24-2011, 08:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I talk to my husband?

I think it sounds like you both need to attend counseling. You may even need to seek some independent counseling if your emotional state is in the shape it sounds like it is in because it is hindering your relationship from growing and changing.

Additionally, if you guys are fighting as a way to resolve your issues, it's creating even more issues in your relationship than it is solving. You both need to quit arguing/fighting and need to start civilly discussing. Don't accuse him of being insensitive, and he needs to not accuse you of being too sensitive. You guys need to lay it all out maturely and think about what options/actions need to be taken to fix your relationship, emotions aside.
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I talk to my husband?

I understand what you are talking about. I can't never discuss things in the relationship with my husband too. When i begin like that :""I don't like how we fight about (topic). I'd like to stop fighting about it and wondered if we could sit down and talk about it tonight "" He responses something like " We can't magicly stop fighting, you are stupid to think things can be solved just like that
/talking?may be/ "" When i see he's not interested there's nothing i can do more...
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Old 10-25-2011, 04:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I talk to my husband?

Sounds like it's a bit tit-for-tat at the minute between you both - you get emotional, he gets annoyed, and uses the phrases you don't like, almost just to get back at you. I agree with other posters that even though you are an emotional person, it's also up to you to try to change this behaviour, because at the minute you guys are stuck in a kind of Groundhog Day thing where the same thing happens every single time. I would say address why you get so emotional (fear of losing him/low self-esteem/something else), while at the same time explaining to him that if you're going to try to change, so must he.
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Old 10-25-2011, 09:03 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can I talk to my husband?

Counselling. Pronto. You've fallen into a pattern with your husband, that many fall into.

Fight. Ignore/silence for a day or two. Make up. Repeat.

You need to learn how to rationally discuss things (both of you).

As for his phrases that you don't like? Next time, show no emotion/reaction. He is doing this to get a rise out of you. Don't give him the satisfaction, in that, he is being very childish.
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