Soon to be married - Talk About Marriage
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  • 8 Post By happy as a clam
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 08:17 AM Thread Starter
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Soon to be married

Hi everyone. just a bit about myself. I'm getting married in August to the most wonderful man. I don't kid myself, I know marriage isn't all rosy and neither is your partner the most perfect person ( even though he is in my eyes with all his flaws) . I really had no intention of getting married. I was about to move overseas and I met my now fiancé and our first date we just knew and he had asked me to marry him. We schooled all our lives together but never spoke. He had a crush on me all through school and 4 years after school he got into contact with me and had gained the confidence to tell me. As we got to know each other I felt that I had known this man my entire life. I couldn't believe such a beautiful soul and heart were just a few feet away from me. We have both been through so much. He is so strong and we can identify so much with each other. We are planning to go for marriage counseling, not that we are having issues, but we know each other's flaws and we both want to learn healthy ways to deal with each other and life while being amicable and loving to each other.

When I was younger i really loved reading these forums because it gave me a sense of reality of marriage, the beAuty of it, despite the up and down journey.

I think I have decided to sign up today, because I am the problem, and I see myself bringing misery to my husband to be''s life. I know my flaws and I can already see it affecting our relationship, hence the marriage counseling.

Firstly, I have a very poor self image and a very low self esteem. I have made immense changes over the years, I went through anorexia, bulimia and severe depression. Thank God I came out of all of that now. Although I just generally hate myself and look down on myself. Hence, it's very tough for me, because I am highly sensitive and I can sometimes take things too personally and obsess over it, even if it's constructive criticism. Example: Today my fiancé told me I've gotten very thin (as we haven't seen each other in a few days) and he said he liked me with more meat.

I felt really hurt, because I feel like he also hates my body, just as much as I do. And please note, we haven't had intercourse, I don't believe in sex before marriage. So I'm feeling so anxious for that, although he has seen a lot of my body already. I have such intense hate for myself that I won't blame him if he cheats. My dad also cheated a lot on my mum and so I kind of expect it.

Reading what I've written, I feel so stupid. Because I'm projecting how I feel about myself on our relationship and it's caused most of our little problems thus far. I know a lot of the work has to come from
Me , working on my esteem but I find it absolutely hard to love myself.

I want to start a diary on here, the good and bad about my marriage, with such a wonderful man. And I look forward to reading everyone else's journeys.

Love to all

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 08:43 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

To be honest, with all of the issues you describe (eating disorders, low self esteem, self-loathing, etc.) you are not ready for marriage. Are you in counseling for yourself? If not, you should postpone this wedding and work on yourself for awhile. You are not in a healthy place right now, and it would be very unfair to bring someone else into a marriage when you have some serious issues to resolve. Find a good therapist who an help you become healthier in your thinking. You are projecting a lot of issues unfairly onto your fiancée and that won't bode well in the long run. I think you need individual therapy before you even think about marriage counseling.

Marriage requires that you bring your A-game, and even then it's not always easy. It's good that you joined TAM, but better to postpone your wedding than to find yourself here in a few years going through a difficult divorce. By your own admission, you're already having problems in your relationship and that's not a good way to start off a new marriage.

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Last edited by happy as a clam; 06-11-2016 at 08:47 AM.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 08:53 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

Hi @Epifany

Welcome to TAM. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and it is good that you are being proactive to come here.

Some advice:

1) The new member forum is not really the right place to tell you ongoing story. You will get a lot less reading in this forum. Select one of the other forums such as General Relationships and you will get a bigger audience.

2) It has often been discussed here if a thread is the right place to journal or blog. Some do, many do not. I started a journal on my laptop and will use the a thread to ask for specific help as issues come up. That might be easier for the other posts to follow your story and give you good advice.

3) You say you have issues with low self esteem. There is a really good thread you need to actively participate in. It started last week, but not too late for you to join. It is in the private members section which you cannot access until you reach 30 posts. I suggest you read other threads and make contributory comments. When you reach thirty you can open the link below. A quicker option is to become a forum supporter (for a fee) for instant access to this private section.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private...em-thread.html
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 09:06 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

Epifany - Happiness cannot come from another person, it has to come from within you. In some ways, you sound a lot like my wife. I can tell her that I think she is beautiful, sexy, and I love to see her naked body.

For years, she brushed aside my compliments, and would not change in front of me. This sent a message to me that she didn't care enough about our relationship or trust me to be naked in front of me.

Is that the message you want to give to your husband?

My wife & I just had our 30 anniversary. Let me give you some heartfelt advice.

Start with reading some of the articles on The Forgiven Wife - Learning to Dance with Desire , the author has written some good articles on how bad self esteem has affected her marriage.

Next, get the book "The 5 Love Languages", BOTH you and fiancee read it and take the quiz separately. Then discuss the results together.

Lastly, be HONEST in pre-marital counseling. Discuss hard issues. If there are any sexual positions, etc, that you know are NOT going to happen, discuss it BEFORE you get married.
Discuss finances, how many children each of you want. Be HONEST!!! Don't say things that you think your partner wants to hear.

Otherwise, a few years down life's road, your going to run into a issue where you said something to appease your spouse, but you didn't really mean it. They will feel betrayed and ask "How could you lie about something so important?"

Lastly, believe your partner when they tell you how good you look. They aren't saying it "JUST" for sex. They do love you.

I highlighted the JUST as to many, they refer to it as JUST sex. To others, sex is what BONDS a relationship together, like NOTHING else will.

No one is perfect, be willing to forgive yourself and your partner for mistakes, but don't let them walk all over you either.

Best wishes,
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 09:15 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

Best of luck to you, @Epifany ~ your coming here to TAM was a great choice whereby you'll get a ton of good advice!

And while there will be good and not so good advice offered up, please have the fortitude to sort it all out! And never be afraid to ask questions! Answering those is what we are preeminently here for!

Now regarding your inquiry, please do not rush into things! And think rationally and always be cognitive!

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Last edited by arbitrator; 06-11-2016 at 09:20 AM.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 09:18 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

If you don't dig yourself you can't really dig anyone else. Think about it. If you think you're a loser, how could you have any respect for someone who thinks you're wonderful? When you say, "I do" it implies, "I can". This guy isn't your dad, your school teacher, your old boyfriend, or anyone else. Expecting bad treatment from him is unfair to him and really is just another way of saying you don't believe you deserve decent treatment. If you hate your body, how could you use it as a gift to him? Why don't you figure out how to love yourself and then maybe you can have something left over for someone else?
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 09:18 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

Epifany,

Welcome to TAM.

I would like to move your thread to the General Relationship Discussion forum as that's a better place for it. You will get more readers and more input in that forum. But I'll wait until you acknowledge this post.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 09:22 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

How long have you been dating your boyfriend?

How old are the two of you?

You say that your bf told you that you are getting too thin and that he prefers you with more meat on your bones. You took this to mean that he too hates your body. I think that you misinterpret his point of view. To me it sounds like he is looking out for your health and is concerned that by getting too thin you are hurting your own health. So he was telling you that he loves you, loves your body and wants you to be healthy.

I agree with others that you need to put more time into address your issues, perhaps more counseling and reading some good books on the topic.

When it comes to your relationship, there are two books that I think would help the two of you. THe idea is to read them together and do the work that they suggest. The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 09:31 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
How long have you been dating your boyfriend?

How old are the two of you?

You say that your bf told you that you are getting too thin and that he prefers you with more meat on your bones. You took this to mean that he too hates your body. I think that you misinterpret his point of view. To me it sounds like he is looking out for your health and is concerned that by getting too thin you are hurting your own health. So he was telling you that he loves you, loves your body and wants you to be healthy.

I agree with others that you need to put more time into address your issues, perhaps more counseling and reading some good books on the topic.

When it comes to your relationship, there are two books that I think would help the two of you. THe idea is to read them together and do the work that they suggest. The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".
Many thumbs up!! for the bolded!
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 09:57 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

Quote:
Originally Posted by Epifany View Post
I have such intense hate for myself that I won't blame him if he cheats. My dad also cheated a lot on my mum and so I kind of expect it.
I had to come back and add this link -
Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

Your boyfriend is NOT your dad or any other male that may have hurt you in the past. Please keep that in mind. Likewise, your boyfriend should see you as YOU, not some female from the past that hurt him.

Keep in mind Epifany, lots of people walk around with a air of confidence, in reality, they don't know Jack Schiitt! Learn to be happy with yourself. Accept your boyfriends concern as that, he cares enough to worry about you.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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THANK you so much to everyone for all the constructive advice. It is much appreciated. I'm so glad I came here and yes this thread can be moved .

To answer some of the questions;

My fiancé and I are both 23 years old and we have been together for a year now. I know things have moved fast but we are certain of our decision.

To clarify, my partner generally likes lean women. He dated a lady before me who was about 2-3 sizes bigger than me. He told me he was crazy about her but would have preferred if she was a little smaller. I know deep down he isn't shallow and he will take a beautiful heart over a beautiful body any day but I know he prefers my body type. When we first started I was about a size 2, but I've dropped some weight and now I'm bordering between a size 0 and 2. I have gained a very healthy relationship with food now. After my disordered eating I overate ( luckily I am naturally skinny) so that took me to a size two. But now that my eating is more balanced I'm going back to my more natural body size.

Yes, I spoke to him about what he said earlier and he meant it out of concern. Honestly, this man thinks I am the most beautiful woman, he doesn't even have to tell me I'm beautiful, I literally feel it when he looks at me. When he looks at other women , just in passing , yes he finds them attractive, but he doesn't have that look in his eyes, the same fiery one, when he looks at me.

In general, compliments go over my head and I obsess over the negative. Unfortunately, his does too. And I want to change this. I know the change has to come from me.

I will definitely start with everyone's advice and get hold of those books and articles. And I will post an update on our counseling, which I will be absolutely honest in.

Am I ready for marriage? I know my most pertinent issue is my self-esteem. Please note I have been working with a psychiatrist and psychologist for about 4 years. They both had discharged me. I refused medication because I knew I could come out of it and I did. My self esteem has just really suffered. I also come from a family that constantly puts me down (extended family) so I grew up being taught certain things about myself and I'm trying to teach myself a new story about myself, one that's actually true.
I go through good and bad days with my esteem. More good than bad. Today is a really bad day and I projected on my relationship and I needed an outlet. And my fiancé is the kind of person who won't let me go through anything alone. I managed in my household cause when it got bad I isolated myself until I felt better.

So in essence, i don't feel like I am rushing into marriage. I love my fiancé and I really want to be better for myself and for him. And I'm trying. And I won't stop. Because he deserves the best and I will strive to be the best I can, even though I will have my bad days. Trust me , if I was the person I was before(depressed etc) I would not have entered a relationship.


Thank you once again to everyone. And please post your thoughts, in a nice way :P,I need to think from many angles not just my perspective.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FrazzledSadHusband View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Epifany View Post
I have such intense hate for myself that I won't blame him if he cheats. My dad also cheated a lot on my mum and so I kind of expect it.
I had to come back and add this link -
Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

Your boyfriend is NOT your dad or any other male that may have hurt you in the past. Please keep that in mind. Likewise, your boyfriend should see you as YOU, not some female from the past that hurt him.

Keep in mind Epifany, lots of people walk around with a air of confidence, in reality, they don't know Jack Schiitt! Learn to be happy with yourself. Accept your boyfriends concern as that, he cares enough to worry about you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and your wise words. His dad also cheated and his home broke, and my parents are still together. I know in my heart he is not my dad, or his dad, through his actions, I just need to communicate that to him better. He tells me the exact same thing: that he's not them. And I have to start believing that mine and his moms experience is not mine.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-11-2016, 10:49 AM
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Re: Soon to be married

It's unclear what exactly it is you're looking for here.

First, get back into therapy. You might be better than you were, but based on everything you've said, you most certainly haven't "Pulled yourself out of it". Progress, good. But that doesn't equate to finality. And, if the docs suggest meds, you might consider them. If the larger goal for you is to be successful in marriage, that means trying new things and see if they help. Consider that those docs know more about these things than you do. There's a lot at stake.

Second, as you write, I lost track of how many times you said "I", or "Me", yet didn't see very many references to "Him". You have to separate..and accept...your own (mis) perceptions from his actual feelings. Let's assume if he's with you and is now committed to marriage with you he understands and accepts much that you cannot.
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