THANK you so much to everyone for all the constructive advice. It is much appreciated. I'm so glad I came here and yes this thread can be moved
To answer some of the questions;
My fiancé and I are both 23 years old and we have been together for a year now. I know things have moved fast but we are certain of our decision.
To clarify, my partner generally likes lean women. He dated a lady before me who was about 2-3 sizes bigger than me. He told me he was crazy about her but would have preferred if she was a little smaller. I know deep down he isn't shallow and he will take a beautiful heart over a beautiful body any day but I know he prefers my body type. When we first started I was about a size 2, but I've dropped some weight and now I'm bordering between a size 0 and 2. I have gained a very healthy relationship with food now. After my disordered eating I overate ( luckily I am naturally skinny) so that took me to a size two. But now that my eating is more balanced I'm going back to my more natural body size.
Yes, I spoke to him about what he said earlier and he meant it out of concern. Honestly, this man thinks I am the most beautiful woman, he doesn't even have to tell me I'm beautiful, I literally feel it when he looks at me. When he looks at other women , just in passing , yes he finds them attractive, but he doesn't have that look in his eyes, the same fiery one, when he looks at me.
In general, compliments go over my head and I obsess over the negative. Unfortunately, his does too. And I want to change this. I know the change has to come from me.
I will definitely start with everyone's advice and get hold of those books and articles. And I will post an update on our counseling, which I will be absolutely honest in.
Am I ready for marriage? I know my most pertinent issue is my self-esteem. Please note I have been working with a psychiatrist and psychologist for about 4 years. They both had discharged me. I refused medication because I knew I could come out of it and I did. My self esteem has just really suffered. I also come from a family that constantly puts me down (extended family) so I grew up being taught certain things about myself and I'm trying to teach myself a new story about myself, one that's actually true.
I go through good and bad days with my esteem. More good than bad. Today is a really bad day and I projected on my relationship and I needed an outlet. And my fiancé is the kind of person who won't let me go through anything alone. I managed in my household cause when it got bad I isolated myself until I felt better.
So in essence, i don't feel like I am rushing into marriage. I love my fiancé and I really want to be better for myself and for him. And I'm trying. And I won't stop. Because he deserves the best and I will strive to be the best I can, even though I will have my bad days. Trust me , if I was the person I was before(depressed etc) I would not have entered a relationship.
Thank you once again to everyone. And please post your thoughts, in a nice way :P,I need to think from many angles not just my perspective.