Husband doesn't understand my feelings
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Old 10-27-2011, 04:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband doesn't understand my feelings

I am looking for true and honest advice on my situation. SORRY IF THIS A LONG WINDED MESSAGE, I JUST REALLY NEED TO VENT!

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I love him very much. I know he loves me and he has done alot for me. His family is from another country, although he was raised in the United States. About 5 years ago, his parents moved to the same state that we live him (about 1 hour distance). We see them twice monthly and everything was okay until the visits went like this. Me, hubby and the 2 kids would go over to their house. Hubby's sister also lives in this state. My mother in law always cooks when we are coming over. After we would eat, usually the whole family would sit around and chat. A couple of years ago, the routine stayed the same, but what changed was that everyone would sit at the table and speak in their language and leave me out of the conversation. I spoke to my husband and told him that it was rude and he, being my husband, should say "speak English; I don't want my wife to be left out." My husband's father does not speak English that great, but he still can speak it. My husband said that they were not talking about anything important anyway and I should not feel bad. Of course, this pissed me off because I am telling him how hurt I am and he was not getting it. Therefore, I decided not to go over to their house anymore. This caused alot of tension for about 6 months. My mother in law called me and I told her my feelings. Thanksgiving (2009) was coming and I was invited over and things were better and they continued to get better, until last WEEKEND. My other sister in law came from out of town with her husband and was staying at my in-laws (her parents). I would say we are cordial, but not friendly. The scene reverted to 2 years ago, but this time worst for me. There was not enough room at the kitchen table, so my daughter and I ate in the family room. Get this, when my sister-in-law (one from out of town) fixed her plate, my husband got up and found her another chair so that she could eat at the table with them in the kitchen. After everyone finished eating, my husband and his family stayed in the kitchen and spoke in their language for 2 hours. I was livid. My husband knew the amount of stress that this caused just 2 years ago and he sat there with them and did not even acknowledge that I was left to sit in the family room by myself. You tell me why I should not be mad!!!!! I have barely spoken to him since last Saturday. Surely, it does not take a rocket scientist him to know why I am made, but has not come to discuss it or otherwise. It made me feel like nothing and just so disrespected. How would you feel?
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Old 10-27-2011, 06:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

Thanks wifeofhusband for your reply. I knew I was right in the way I am feeling.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

Quote:
Originally Posted by unhappy11 View Post
I am looking for true and honest advice on my situation. SORRY IF THIS A LONG WINDED MESSAGE, I JUST REALLY NEED TO VENT!

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I love him very much. I know he loves me and he has done alot for me. His family is from another country, although he was raised in the United States. About 5 years ago, his parents moved to the same state that we live him (about 1 hour distance). We see them twice monthly and everything was okay until the visits went like this. Me, hubby and the 2 kids would go over to their house. Hubby's sister also lives in this state. My mother in law always cooks when we are coming over. After we would eat, usually the whole family would sit around and chat. A couple of years ago, the routine stayed the same, but what changed was that everyone would sit at the table and speak in their language and leave me out of the conversation. I spoke to my husband and told him that it was rude and he, being my husband, should say "speak English; I don't want my wife to be left out." My husband's father does not speak English that great, but he still can speak it. My husband said that they were not talking about anything important anyway and I should not feel bad. Of course, this pissed me off because I am telling him how hurt I am and he was not getting it. Therefore, I decided not to go over to their house anymore. This caused alot of tension for about 6 months. My mother in law called me and I told her my feelings. Thanksgiving (2009) was coming and I was invited over and things were better and they continued to get better, until last WEEKEND. My other sister in law came from out of town with her husband and was staying at my in-laws (her parents). I would say we are cordial, but not friendly. The scene reverted to 2 years ago, but this time worst for me. There was not enough room at the kitchen table, so my daughter and I ate in the family room. Get this, when my sister-in-law (one from out of town) fixed her plate, my husband got up and found her another chair so that she could eat at the table with them in the kitchen. After everyone finished eating, my husband and his family stayed in the kitchen and spoke in their language for 2 hours. I was livid. My husband knew the amount of stress that this caused just 2 years ago and he sat there with them and did not even acknowledge that I was left to sit in the family room by myself. You tell me why I should not be mad!!!!! I have barely spoken to him since last Saturday. Surely, it does not take a rocket scientist him to know why I am made, but has not come to discuss it or otherwise. It made me feel like nothing and just so disrespected. How would you feel?
How much sex do you have with your husband?

Might be his way of getting you back.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:04 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

Quote:
Originally Posted by unhappy11 View Post
I am looking for true and honest advice on my situation. SORRY IF THIS A LONG WINDED MESSAGE, I JUST REALLY NEED TO VENT!

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I love him very much. I know he loves me and he has done alot for me. His family is from another country, although he was raised in the United States. About 5 years ago, his parents moved to the same state that we live him (about 1 hour distance). We see them twice monthly and everything was okay until the visits went like this. Me, hubby and the 2 kids would go over to their house. Hubby's sister also lives in this state. My mother in law always cooks when we are coming over. After we would eat, usually the whole family would sit around and chat. A couple of years ago, the routine stayed the same, but what changed was that everyone would sit at the table and speak in their language and leave me out of the conversation. I spoke to my husband and told him that it was rude and he, being my husband, should say "speak English; I don't want my wife to be left out." My husband's father does not speak English that great, but he still can speak it. My husband said that they were not talking about anything important anyway and I should not feel bad. Of course, this pissed me off because I am telling him how hurt I am and he was not getting it. Therefore, I decided not to go over to their house anymore. This caused alot of tension for about 6 months. My mother in law called me and I told her my feelings. Thanksgiving (2009) was coming and I was invited over and things were better and they continued to get better, until last WEEKEND. My other sister in law came from out of town with her husband and was staying at my in-laws (her parents). I would say we are cordial, but not friendly. The scene reverted to 2 years ago, but this time worst for me. There was not enough room at the kitchen table, so my daughter and I ate in the family room. Get this, when my sister-in-law (one from out of town) fixed her plate, my husband got up and found her another chair so that she could eat at the table with them in the kitchen. After everyone finished eating, my husband and his family stayed in the kitchen and spoke in their language for 2 hours. I was livid. My husband knew the amount of stress that this caused just 2 years ago and he sat there with them and did not even acknowledge that I was left to sit in the family room by myself. You tell me why I should not be mad!!!!! I have barely spoken to him since last Saturday. Surely, it does not take a rocket scientist him to know why I am made, but has not come to discuss it or otherwise. It made me feel like nothing and just so disrespected. How would you feel?
How much sex do you have with your husband?

Might be his way of getting you back. Pretty much you give your husband all the sex he can handle in a down and dirty way. He'll teach all his family to speak English guaranteed! Start initiating out of the blue when he gets home or he's in the shower or wake him up for sex, do something you know he loves and you never do..see what happens.

Most of these control issues are lack of great sex. It's a way for him to control you!

Men are simple.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

I agree. Men are simple!
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

trying2figureitout,

If it was only that simple for me. I cannot jump his bones when I am feeling like this and he would see right through that. Thanks for the advice anyway!
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

Why does everything have to be about sex when it comes to simple respect issues?

I am a francophone myself. I speak *7* languages. French is the first, English is my second language. When I was growing up there were English family members (married in, even Greek family members too) and we ALWAYS spoke in the one language that EVERYONE could communicate in - English.

It was considered rude, disrespectful and a lack of common sense in our family to do what your husband and husband's family are doing to you.

I wouldn't go to any family functions either if I were in your shoes and I sure as hell won't trade sex for what is suppose to be common sense respect for the person HE chose to marry and have a family of his own with. PFFTT trading sex for respect and common sense..right okay...not in my relationship but whatever floats people's boats I suppose.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

Being an immigrant who speaks a language that my husband and his family does not understand, I will not say it's rude to speak your language in front of people but limit it. He was wrong to completely exclude you like that...even if you were speaking the same language. Your husband just sounds inconsiderate and feels the need to punish you for whatever reason. But this is why I think it's important that if you marry someone who is bilingual, know a little bit of their language just get by so you can communicate. Sometimes things like that happen and you don't even realize it because to you and your family, you're just talking. It's not "Oh, we're speaking in this language." He needs to be reminded but he kind of seems like as arsehole for totally ignoring you and your feelings.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

Cante Pe, I am in total agreement with you when it comes to trading sex for respect. I am mad at him and SEX is the last thing on my mind.

Septic Change, I was TOTALLY left out of the conversation. I was not even in the same room and he did not say "let me get my wife". If he had said that, then he would have set the stage for letting everyone know that my WIFE is important enough and I want her included. This needed to come from Him. Since we has already dealt with this in the past, my husband should have had enough sense to know that it would not have gone down well with me when we left. I feel like in his mind, he thought I would just get over it. NOT!
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Old 10-27-2011, 08:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

Honestly it would be a cold day in hell before I ever went to my in-laws again.
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Old 10-27-2011, 08:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

I am sorry your husband is so disrespectful. Its not only him, but also his family acting this way, as you have advised them of the situation and they continued to do it.

I am a firm believer in you teach people how to treat you. I would never have stood in that room while my husband spoke with his family in another language in another room. I would have

A) Said something loudly like "hey, can someone let me know whats up?"
B) Asked my husband to translate for me
C) Got up and advised my husband I was taking a cab home and he can take card of the child.

Sometimes the only way you get respect is if you demand it. Do not sit back and let people treat you that way and then complain about it afterwards. The subject about sex is a whole other matter.

Last edited by misticli; 10-27-2011 at 08:55 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

I highly doubt her husband's entire family is in cohorts with him because she isn't giving him enough sex.

I would be extremely angry and I'd have called a cab home and locked him out. How inconsiderate of him AND his family! I wouldn't go to any family functions either... I can see they want to feel relaxed and all when they have family functions but to totally exclude you is really hurtful and not to forget to mention RUDE.

I would tell your H what you feel and that you aren't going to any more family functions because you feel, obviously, that they don't want you there or don't care that you are there.
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:20 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

Misticii, believe me this situation will not happen again.!
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Old 10-28-2011, 08:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband doesn't understand my feelings

Your husband is in the wrong here. He is making a big mistake in how he is treating you, his wife

What you have to figure out is why he is doing this. There are two possible reasons. 1. He is ignorant to your feelings as to why this would bother you or 2. He understands your feelings but is in a marriage where he does not feel you are a good wife and he doesn't care about your feelings or wants to punish you for something you are doing wrong.

So when people are asking you how much sex he is getting, what they are trying to get at is whether he is trying to punish you in some way for not having his sexual needs met over time in your marriage.

You should keep this all between you and your husband. Let him manage his family. What I would recommend is that you tell him that if you go to his family and you are feeling uncomfortable, that you are going to get in the car and leave (no drama, very matter of fact). And I would also ask him to decide whether he wants to put his wife first or his family first, and if he chooses family first that's his choice but you will have respond accordingly.
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Old 10-28-2011, 08:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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trying2figureitout,

If it was only that simple for me. I cannot jump his bones when I am feeling like this and he would see right through that. Thanks for the advice anyway!
That's exactly the attitude that keeps couples from finding resolutions to their problem.
He wouldn't see through it because you will just have lots of sex and while your banging him you will say nothing of your needs just love him. Keep filling his love tank. He will love it and want to eventually return the favor. Knowing he was a dope around his family with you. I can guarantee this will fix your issue eventually. Guys will move mountains if their wives become hot sexy girlfriends who fulfill their every fantasy!

Wives get lazy knowing they don't have to put out... sex declines.... guys act out.... wives build resentments.... spouses end up both being unhappy! This is where YOU are now.

Men NEED lots of GREAT FUN sex WITH VARIETY from their wives... if YOU aren't providing that at least EVERY SINGLE WEEK even when on your period (service him some other way).... he will be unhappy and care less about your needs. That was my situation I was the unhappy husband acting out in negative ways because I was getting boring sex less than monthly leading up to my wife's disconnection. Neither of us were filling the others needs for years. Now I'm fixing it but it's taken years!

I decided to turn the other cheek in my situation...

AFter her disconnection emotionally...I've only had sex 7 times in two years, my wife never hugs me, says I love you or kisses me. Twice in 2011 it was getting worse. All the while I was working my butt off trying to re-build the damage. She claimed she was trying and wants to stay married but after two years and it getting worse... I was at the end of my rope! Like you.

This dysfunction needed to end....

My solution was to go celibate for 6-months and work on emotionally reconnecting with my wife with our "issue" off-the table allowing for a stress-free marriage. Do I feel like "emotionally reconnecting" when my needs aren't anywhere close to met?

Actually I do because I feel this 6-months I'm shelving my own needs will fill her love tank so after she will want to fill my needs.

I'm trying to save my marriage and make it better.

I don't want the old dysfunctional one. If it can't be fixed we will divorce eventually guaranteed.

In any marriage it takes one spouse to DO THE RIGHT THING because the other spouse is incapable at the moment of solving the issue.

YOu can't force your spouse to do anything!... You have to get them to WANT to do it themselves. Trust me if your husband won't take any chance of upsetting you it you turn into his sexy girlfriend! Give him all his XXX rated fantasies for the next few months, do those things that you said no to yet you know he wants badly and "rock his world"... see what happens.

My issue had been going on two years after 17 great years.

How long has yours been going on...

Go have lots of sex with your husband if you want to fix your marriage!

Be the adult in the family...change your dynamics.

Or just complain about you dysfunctional marriage here if that makes you feel better and won't change ANYTHING.

Talk is cheap.... actions work over time.

PS...I used to be unhappy like you... but be taking action and having a plan I am now happy really happy because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see positive changes in my wife everyday.

For me it's worth 2.5 years of personal hell for a GREAT marriage the rest of the time.
Remember the "unhappiness" is in your MIND learn to appriciate all the other stuff your husband does right and take the focus off your issue temporarily. Work on your part of the whole mess!

Last edited by Trying2figureitout; 10-28-2011 at 09:06 AM.
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