DayDream

Well, a lot of stuff I'd been holding back on came out last night, and this time I didn't back down and get all weak and beat down like usual. He told me he hated how f'in smug I was being and I told him I wasn't being smug, I was just telling the truth. I got pissed because dinner is the only time we have together a lot of the time. We have dinner and watch a show or movie or something and that's it. I consider that our time. I swear, every time we are having dinner his buddy calls and half the time he'll answer it and then be talking to his buddy all through dinner. Now, normally you might think "so what?" but he talks to this guy, on average, 6 to 8 hours a day and I'm not exaggerating. He's constantly on the phone with him. Sometimes I'll think he is talking to me and I'll answer and he will have been talking to this guy on the phone. They can give me dinner.

I blew up. My husband cut our movie short and went upstairs to his office to play a game and while he was still on the phone with the guy, I leaned in the doorway and said, "Tell [friend] I said 'thanks for the half-hour". Yeah...I was being a smart alek and probably not the best way of handling it, but as I went in my room after my husband came to the door and handed me the phone and angrily said, "here! You can call him yourself and tell him!" He as pissed. He said if I ever try to embarrass him on the phone like that again, I'll be living here alone. I am so sick of that threat, I just looked him straight in the eye and said, "You know, I'm tired of you threatening to leave me everytime I get upset about something or am unhappy about something. If you want to leave, then just leave then so I don't have to feel like this anymore." and he said, "Maybe I should!" and I told him I didn't think he loved me anymore and he didn't say anything and I asked him, "Do you love me?" very matter of fact and he said, "Yes, I do love you. But I'm not going to kiss your a$$ right now!"

For one...when he first came to the bedroom door I was blowing it off. I got mad and threw out a smartass comment. I didn't think we needed to make a huge fight out of it and I told him that. I told him, I got mad, made a comment, this doesn't need to be an all night thing. Just get over it and stop dragging it out into a fight. He started all the, "You'll end up alone." crap.

Further into the argument I told him again, if he wanted to go then just go. He's been using the typical "your holding me back/I'm tired of being tied down." crap all year on me. I'm tired of it and tired of living with that feeling. He told me I'm a miserable person, made a bunch more dispersions of my character, and I told him I wouldn't be so miserable if he treated me like I mattered. His brilliant response to that was, "How do you treat ME like I matter?"

He does that everytime we argue about something. He wants me to list all the things I do to treat him good like I have to prove myself or something. I'm tired of it and I didn't do it (I never do). If I have to list everything for him that I do for HIM that he takes for granted, and he just ends up tearing it down and making it seem like it is trivial, it'll just crush me. And that is typically what he will do. And add on top of that all the things I don't do that I should be doing and how I'm not a good mom, etc... which isn't true. I'm a great mom! Maybe I give in too much to my kids, but I love them and treat them well. They don't want for anything.

Anyway...I told my husband I thought he didn't really love me anymore, and that I thought he was pretending to when he needs to. I really didn't get an answer to that. Right now I'm mixed up about the whole argument.

Now today he is acting normal like nothing happened. Even gave me a kiss for no reason, just because.

I took my other post off of here because he read all my diaries and journals, and he could probably find me on here and read this stuff so I take it off after awhile to avoid a blowup.