General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I went with my wife to the doctor the other day. She read cosmo as we waited. On the way home she told me read an article that said that many women do not like to see thier man naked. She said she felt relieved because she feels the same way. I was pretty much devistated by that statement.
My wife is my only sexual partner, ever. I felt relieved and, had pretty much gotten over most of my body issues after my wife and I started having sex. I felt totally accepted by her, and even approved of, as she would make comments about liking a little extra fluff on a guy and soforth. In our recent conversation she said that it wasn't that she didin't like to see MY body naked, but that she never really liked it, no matter what her man looked liked. This was no help to me. I feel embarassed and jugded and I don't know how I can even have sex again feeling rejected like this.
I already have problems feeling like I'm not very attractive to my wife. Sex is quite infrequent, going as long as six weeks in between. She tells me she loves me and cares about me just like she always has, but she just doesn't "get tingely" like she used to. We're still teying to figure it out, but it takes it's toll on me, leaving me feeling unwanted and neglected. She makes an effort to be with me more often, but that last a little while and drops off again. It hurts me that I'm just as crazy about her as I've always been, but she's just not that into me anymore. I realize this is a common problem, especially after kids. It's not like we've even been together that long. We've been married for four years and we're in our early thirties. I think that's a little soon to be going through something like this.
These two things together have made feel like total crap. My wife insists that she didn't mean that I was unattractive. She just feels better knowing that other women feel like she does in that nudity, even 'idealized' nudity on porn ect. doesn't do anything for and never has. That doesn't help me. I feel let down that yet another thing in my marriage is not how I thought it would be. Sometimes I feel like there are certain needs in my life that will just never be met and if I want to stay with the woman I love, I'm just going to have to get used to it. Sometimes I wish my wife didn't feel the need to tell me EVERYTHING she's thinking and feeling. I think this little jewel about how my body does nothoing for her could have been saved for her girlfriends. I just didn't need to know.
To her credit, I guess I can wrap my mind around her not being into my body one way or the other. I am a little overwieght, and I guess I'm a touch on the hairy: the sources of most of my body issues, such as they were/are. She has been with a few other partners other than me, many of whom I have met, and they run the gambbit from slim and cut to truely obese. One of her boyfriends even went from moderately cut to obese while she was with him. She is obviously open to loving and being with different types of men, and thier bodies did not bother her.
I am totally heartbroken at this point. Am I being too sensative? Should I just suck it up and accept that there must be SOMETHING that makes my wife love me and want me on accation even though I have no idea what that might be? All this has taken a huge hit on my ego, am I in the wrong for that? Is it ok for me to feel that maybe my wife should be able to say to herself "Hey, maybe this little nugget will damage my husbands self-esteem, so while it's true, maybe I'll just keep it to myslef." When I started to talk to her about this she said "Gosh, I'm never talking to you about what I read in magazines again." I told her that's not the point. It's that she obviously shares the opinion, and it makes me feel bad. I'm littlerally choked up over this and feel, just destroyed. Please help.
I went with my wife to the doctor the other day. She read comso as we waited. On the way home she told me she felt relieved because she read an article that said that my women do nt like to see thier man naked, becasue she feels the same way. I was pretty much devistated by that statement. She said that it wasn't that she didin't like to see MY body naked, but that she never really liked it, no matter what her man looked liked. This was no help to me. I feel embarassed and jugded and I don't know how I can even have sex again feeling rejected and judged like this.
I already have problems feeling like I'm not very attractive to my wife. Sex is quite infrequent, going as long as six weeks in between. She tells me she loves me and cares about me just like she always has, but she just doesn't "get tingely" like she used to. We're still teying to figure it out, but it takes it's toll on me, leaving me feeling unwanted and neglected. She makes an effort to be with me more often, but that last a little while and drops off again. It hurts me that I'm just as crazy about her as I've always been, but she's just not that into me anymore. I realize this is a common problem, especially after kids. It's not like we've even been together that long. We've been married for four years and we're in our early thirties. I think that's a little soon to be going through something like this.
These two things together have made feel like total crap. My wife insists that she didn't mean that I was unattractive. She just feels better knowing that other women feel like she does in that nudity, even 'idealized' nudity on porn ect. doesn't do anything for and never has. That doesn't help me. I feel let down that yet another thing in my marriage is not how I thought it would be. SOmetimes I feel like there are certain needs in my life that will just never be met and if I want to stay with the woman I love, I'm just going to have to get used to it. Sometimes I wish my wife didn't feel the need to tell me EVERYTHING she's thinking and feeling. I think this little jewel about how my body does nothoing for her she could have saved for her girlfriends. I just didn't need to know.
I am totally heartbroken at this point. Am I being too sesnative? SHould I just suck it up and accept that there must be SOMETHING that makes my wife love me asnd want me on accation even though I have no idea what that might be? All this had taken a huge hit on my ego, am I in the wrong for that? I'm littlerally choked up over this and feel, just destroyed. Please help.
I think you need to take a big step back and realize that Cosmo is not an authority on your relationship and has nothing to do with this.
Your wife has admitted that she does not want to see you naked, and sex is dwindling - she is seeking validation that a sexless marriage is ok now.
It's not. And there are plenty of women that would find you attractive naked, and would enjoy a relationship that included meeting your needs too. The sooner you realize that and start acting like that, the better off you'll be.
Cosmo isn't the devil, they just have magazines to sell, so they write controversial articles. Watch out for next month's "You have to love your naked husband" article... actually maybe I'll write that one and submit it to them!
Agree with the poster that she's maybe looking for validation for going off sex. I'm sure if it wasn't cosmo she'd have found some article online to validate things too.
So I think you maybe need to get over your feelings of hurt about what she said and focus your energies on discussing your sex life and what can be done to reignite things there.
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Sorry, I was being ironic with whole comso devil thing. I know that it's not some sort of evil power. I was just trying to be whitty and clever to catch people's eye to read my post, while giving a taste of the subject matter. A headline. Sorry folks. I'll avoid that in future to limit confusion.
As for your other comments, yeah, I think maybe my wife is looking for not having sex anymore at all. I cannot live with that. It's pretty much my worst nightmare, and we have talked about it. I really meant it when I said we are still trying to figure it out. She tells me she's still attracted to me and she feel like it might be a chemical or hormonal thing since all her feelings are there, except the urge to have sex, and because things got much harder after my daughter was born. There are complications that come along with child rearing that we are taking into coinsideration, but it's been two years since she was born, and I'm hoping things in that area get better soon.
I am confused about what the first post meant by "And there are plenty of women that would find you attractive naked, and would enjoy a relationship that included meeting your needs too. The sooner you realize that and start acting like that, the better off you'll be." Can you elaborate? eSpecially about what acting like it means? Better off how? Thanks.
Is your wife on the contraceptive pill? My wife had similar hormonal issues when she was using this - still loved me, etc but lost the urge to have sex. She came off the pill and things were great again.
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The best thing to do would be to go into the Men's Clubhouse and read the posts on Manning up, Fitness Tests, and Nice Guy reference. There are posters that can explain it better than I can.
If you ever said to a woman "I can't stand to see you naked.", it'd be a death blow of disrespect. So this isn't about you being oversensitive or Cosmo or anything else. It is about respect.
You need to get to a place where you know you deserve respect. And you won't tolerate a disrespectful relationship. You also have needs, and sexual fulfillment is a reasonable need in a marriage. You need to get to a place where you understand not having your needs met is not something you'll tolerate in a relationship.
Once you get there, you stop wondering and doubting yourself when your wife says insensitive stuff like this, and realize it for what it is. Your wife is dictating the terms of your relationship. It's time for you to step up instead of backing down for fear of making waves, and moving the marriage toward being a relationship where both spouses' needs are met.
yeah, I think if a lover ever told me they didn't like to see me naked I'd tell her to wear a blindfold, then I'd whip one out and put it on her, if she tried to take it off I'd tie her hands.
(like I've ever actually done anything like that in real life :/ Hey, you never know, she may respond pretty well to it?)
Lon, yeah...not so much. Might get my thumbs broken for trying that manuver, but thanks for the input.
No birth control. She is sensative to it, and we discovered that early on. We wanted kids, so we just didn't use it. Had the number we wanted, now we use condoms. She did breatfeed though, but it's been over a year snce she stopped that. I guess it could still be a factor though.
Acorn, I think you're right. She's in charge and I have felt pretty disrespected in the past. It's hard to talk straight with my wife about it becasue you're right I don't want to make her feel bad. When I talk to her, she gets emotional (read angry), put's up smoke screens, makes it about how hurt she is that I'm making her feel inadequite. She even throws out there how I"m doing this to her while A B and C is going on. As though I'm inconsiderate for now waiting to a more convinient time to have it out with her. Is there ever one? I end up feeling bad and I'm the one that apologizes.
I know I deserve better than that, and I think I could get that from her. She's a very closed off person, and has some baggage. At first it was fun trying to dig in there and get close, and really being the first man n her life who was really interested in her like that. That was all well and good, but now, five years and two kids later, I feel like she still keeps me at arms length about things that are important, while oversharing about things I probably shouldn't know,. I mean, for god's sake, there's a reason why cosmo and GQ and other gender targeted mags exisit. Commiserate about stuff it's hard for the other gender to understand, you know, girl time/ guy time, and never the twain shall meet, yeah? What we have here is a lack of communication!
Ok, now this is turning into a rant, and I"m getting a little warped. I'm sure I've given some wrong impressions in there, but thanks for doing your best to help me out. As with all things in life and relationships, this is so complex. She has a lot of redeeming traits, so much ''je nais se c'set quoi." It helps that she's just so bangin' hot too! I just don't want anyone to think she's a monster. She's not. She's just complicated, and domineering. I guess I'm complicated too.
I do think your'e right on though in when you said I'd don't make a stand, stay clear, stay focused, and have a deep core of self respect. I mean shoot, it might even be the source of some of our problems. She smells my inner whimp and it's a turn-off. YOu know, maybe Lon isn't so far off that mark, figuratively speaking. I mean, she is a strong woman. Maybe she's waiting for me to be a stronger man? I don't know. Like I said, ranting...
You all have been great so far. Oh, and sorry about punctuation and spelling... I have lots of good ideas, and poor skills with which to express them. Thanks again.
YOu know, maybe Lon isn't so far off that mark, figuratively speaking. I mean, she is a strong woman. Maybe she's waiting for me to be a stronger man? I don't know...
Well, I was half serious about my suggestion, there is some truth behind it but not something that is easy for many to feel comfortable with. But, I definitely suggest NEVER underestimate your W's need to feel dominated (at least in certain ways). You have to pull it off convincingly though.
I feel like she still keeps me at arms length about things that are important, while oversharing about things I probably shouldn't know,.
Perhaps she is over-sharing about things you don't want to hear so that she can accomplish her goal of keeping you at arms length.
After all, telling you that she doesn't want to see you naked is not a good step to take in a sexual marriage, but a great move if you want to make someone lose their self esteem and feel bad about their sexuality.
Wives will test you for insecurity, and when you display it she will become non sexual toward you. This is biologically based.
You have to recognize it for this, not as an actual attack on your body, but as a test to determine whether you are man enough for her. Feeling insecure and bad about this comment is to fail that test. Once you realize it is a test, and not a judgement about your body, you lose your insecurity and turn it into security based on the fact that you now know this truth.
Cosmo is The Devil. 
Re: Cosmo is The Devil. 
