General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
He says, 'you can't have new floors until you get a good paying job'. I'm unemployed and looking. I'm also over 50, have few and rusty job skills and live in a very rural/small town where jobs are few and far between. I just applied for a job at a new convenience store so keep your fingers crossed. When we were out at a local bar one night recently, being silly and having fun, he told me, 'act your age'. I wasn't being raunchy or gross. Just loud and silly with some girlfriends. While out for dinner with another couple, he told me, 'you have enough bad habits, I'm not paying for your mom's too', when I admitted I had bought a carton of cigarettes for my 81 year old mom who just moved to a nursing home. He often says in public 'I make it, she spends it' in a derogatory tone of voice. Yes, I tend to spend money on clothes and books when I am feeling especially depressed and worthless. Our home is paid for (but does need serious updating), our two children are grown and successfully on their own. We have decent cars although not new. We pay our bills on time with money left over. I do have a $4500 credit card bill he doesn't know about that I've been slowly paying down with whatever money I can make here and there. I also pay on a Sallie Mae loan I took out several years ago when our daughter lost her academic scholarship, just so she could stay in school. I still owe $5000 on that. I was working then and had a decent income. My 20+ year successful direct sales career tanked and I've never found a long term job to replace it. He recently insisted we take out new life insurance policies since our old term life had timed out. Just a week ago, he sat down with our bank statement and made me justify every expenditure. I felt like I was being called to the principles office or something. 'The $100 to Nordstrom's was a gift for our DIL's birthday', 'what is this $50 to Serenity?', I got a mani-pedi before a job interview for a really awesome job with our county. I didn't get the job was down to the final cut. I had to justify a $9.99 debit to amazon for a book. I felt so demeaned and this isn't the first time he's done this. I guess I should learn my lesson and really learn NOT to spend any money but when I feel like crap I grasp for any little something to give me a temporary lift. He makes me feel like I'm only a pain in his ass and I'm his cross to bear. He says he feels like his only worth to me is his paycheck. I used to be such an upbeat, optimistic person but I feel downtrodden and beaten these days. I just look at him sitting in his chair with the remote in his hand, snoring away in front of a blaring tv and wonder if I can stand this for the rest of my life.
Has he always said these kinds of things to you? Best thing to do, is once you get a job maybe you will feel better about things. I'm sure without a job and some money of your own it might can make you feel some what dependent. Which can probably make you feel like a child.
I hit post before I mentioned he decided (against my wishes) to buy a 2000 Corvette 3 months ago. Took out a $20000 loan to do so! I kinda get his thinking. His oldest brother died unexpectly at the same age my husband is now, 56. He always wanted a corvette and I guess he feels this is the only way he'll realize his dream before he dies. (his parents both died in their 60's) Every time I see that car, all I can think of is how far that $20K would have gone to fixing up our house before we reach retirement age.
Perhaps there is some guilt there on his part for buying it. He probably sees it as your money (once you get a job) can go towards some bills and/or fixing up the house, which is not really fair. I think he is in guilt mode. Best thing to do, make your own money pay for what you can and leave the rest to him. Don't let him make you feel bad for his decision (regardless of why) for buying a car.
You mentioned a $4500 credit card debt which he does not know about and you are paying off.
Could part of this problem be that he is sensing that money is disappearing into a debt he knows nothing about, and is becoming more and more determined to find where the leak is?
I'm not trying to justify his behavior but I would notice a sum like that missing and I would be very eager to find it.
I also agree that getting a job would help you feel less dependent and more empowered to take whatever action you think you need.
I've put in dozens of applications and on a handful of interviews. It's discouraging to say the least when I find out I was passed over for a younger person with much more tangible and recent work experience. It's hard to get an employer to really understand what I did as a team leader in direct sales/self employment type of work. I was very successful for many years, earned fabulous trips and paid for all the vacations and extras our family enjoyed for a very long time. I admit I was extravagant with gifts for family and friends and charitable giving. I felt it was good for my business. I paid really high quarterly self employment taxes as well. I didn't save like I should have. Now I'm paying the price. I feel bad enough about myself, but it sure hurts when my husband treats me like I'm worthless. Even when I worked, I always did all the cooking, cleaning, mowing, gardening and was a stay at home mom. That's one reason I chose direct sales, because I could work 3 or 4 nights a week and an occassional weekend, never paid for a sitter and made really good money.
We did see a therapist over 20 years ago when we were both pretty stressed out with a very high maintainance child, his parents were ill, both mentally and physically and the aftereffects of loosing a set of twins prematurely. The therapist told us we got married for all the wrong reasons. That thought keeps coming back to me now that we don't have kids at home and nothing to share. We don't have any of the same interests, never have. He can be extremely judgemental. Once, when we were invited to be a part of a good friends wedding celebration he refused to go and practically forbade me to go because our friends new husband had been convicted on a drug charge and just got out of a 3 month jail sentence. He said I didn't need to be hanging around with 'those' types. He was barely civil when our daughter briefly dated a black boy in h.s. He's homophobic and racist. I used to be able to brush that aside, but it is a really fundamental difference between us. When we were busy raising kids we didn't focus on all the differences but now that it's just the two of us, it's hard to not to. My gf's call him 'the fun sponge' because he's so uptight.
What keeps us together? I don't know. I've been fantasizing about leaving for months but without a job or family to lean on, I feel paralyzed. There's only been one other divorce in his family, a nephew who cheated and left his wife and 3 kids. It was ugly. I think he probably feels it's his duty to stay married and I'm too scared to leave. Pathetic, huh?
What keeps us together? I don't know. I've been fantasizing about leaving for months but without a job or family to lean on, I feel paralyzed. There's only been one other divorce in his family, a nephew who cheated and left his wife and 3 kids. It was ugly. I think he probably feels it's his duty to stay married and I'm too scared to leave. Pathetic, huh?
No, not pathetic at all. In fact it's great that you are so in tune to how you feel about things as you are.
Standard advice would be to make getting a job top priority to you can feel more secure about leaving if it comes to that. Also, investigate what kind of settlement your divorce might entail so you can go into the decision with your eyes wide open.
I have a feeling though that the decision will not come down to financial issues. You have one life to live - do what's best for you.
I hit post before I mentioned he decided (against my wishes) to buy a 2000 Corvette 3 months ago. Took out a $20000 loan to do so! I kinda get his thinking. His oldest brother died unexpectly at the same age my husband is now, 56. He always wanted a corvette and I guess he feels this is the only way he'll realize his dream before he dies. (his parents both died in their 60's) Every time I see that car, all I can think of is how far that $20K would have gone to fixing up our house before we reach retirement age.
Sounds to me like at least one of you is having a mid life crisis. The fact that you disagree, have strong feelings and are vocal about it is positive. I detect a bit of mutual disrespect in the way you both speak to each other and this may be affecting your ability to have yourselves heard by each other. Ground rules for fair fighting and a safe way to air grievances are essential to having effective communication.
Using spending as an emotional boost is not effective because the results are temporary and we eventually run out of money.
He bought an eleven year old car at the age of 56. He is the only one working. Good for him. He did not buy a brand new Corvette. That is not a midlife crisis. Should he have waited until you got anothjer job ... maybe. Has he ever in his life had a nice vehicle?
Now should he be disrespecting you in public? No. However it may be an indicator that he feels he is doing his part and that you are retired and he is on the edge about it. Yes, I am painfully aware of the economy. But you are hiding financial things from him. Not good. No doubt this is upsetting all the way around for you. Even part time work is a good thing as it keeps the mind active and can lead to full time employment there or else where.
Maybe he is a fun sponge if the fun involves folks that may be into a drug culture he wants nothing to do with. It sounds like you are used to being free with the money and that is a tough thing to deal with when the money stops coming in. You will feel much better about everything and so will he once you get a job.
It doesn't sound hopeless to me. I think you need to examine your heart to see if you have the energy to make a last-ditch effort to make it work without getting heartbroken if it doesn't.
If so, I would encourage you to sit down calmly with him and let him know that you are very unhappy and thinking of leaving. Invite him to create a new relationship with you via a marriage retreat and counseling, or to begin working out a separation agreement. Tell him you are unwilling to continue in the marriage the way things are. He may just need a kick in the behind to make a turnaround for both of you. You both have just as much blame in the relationship, and you both can choose to make it work.
The money is not his. He can't just throw you out of the house and let you starve. The divorce process takes time, and he is responsible for you still since you were a SAHM by mutual consent for all those years (even though you were making money, you don't have an established career which you sacrificed for him and the children).
If it makes you feel better, have the conversation *after* you get a job. But I think all of the things you mention can easily be overcome once you develop a better communication strategy and agreement, and begin to treat each other with honesty, dignity, and love and respect.
I *highly* recommend the Imago couples therapy and retreats if you can find a therapist in your area who knows it. There are other methods too, but this has been very helpful for me and my husband.
IMO I think you should come clean with him about this account you have that he knows nothing about. If you choose to wait until you have a job to do that, then thats fine BUT I think you still need to tell him. Keeping things a secret surely wont help anything. If he gets upset, then he just does, and you go from there.
He makes me feel like a bad little kid. 
