General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello everyone~
Happy Holidays! Like my title says, I just got notice that I was going to be laid off starting next week. (Took a weeks paid vacation this week). I told my husband about it yesterday when he called me on his break. He wasn't too upset, just said that I can't get behind on my bills. Well, I am sure you can all understand the stress of not having a job in this economy and especially this time of year. Last night when we went to bed my husband called me a mooch and told me I better have a job by the end of this week.
My question is would anyone of you have said this to your wife? or husband? He has been layed off a few times over the years, never long, but I have never reacted to him like that. I try to remain the strong and positive one encouraging him and telling him that we will make it through.
Also, it is important to note that we do have separate accounts, but my husband makes enough money to cover his, mine and all the household bills. In a time of minor crisis like this, should he not be willing to help me? I thought that is what a marriage was. Working together for similar goals.
Any advice or suggestions are welcomed.
Sorry to hear about your layoff. I guess the timing is never good, but I'm sorry to hear this had to happen duing the holidays for you. I absolutely think marriage is about working together to make it through the hard times, just as you did when he was laid off. I'm sorry he wasn't supportive. His comment was very insensitive. He may be stressed about the layoff as well, but it would be nice if he could be there for you right now.
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Re: Merry Christmas-Here's Your Pink Slip
So sorry to hear this StrongEnough. Unfortunately there are many who are finding themselves out of work in today’s economy. To answer your query your husband’s response is totally out of line and does not show the support or empathy a spouse should provide during troubled times. My wife and I have always maintained separate accounts with signature on each other’s. It was worked well for us but has never been a matter of my money or her money. It has always been our money. This is a concept apparently foreign to your husband. All I can say is to try and communicate with him on how this makes you feel and what you need in the way of support at this time. Make the best of your Christmas season as possible and good luck on the job search. Bless.
Swedish~
Thanks for the response. I woke up this morning and am still so pissed at him about the comment. It took everything I had not to do something childish and send him a text telling him moochy said hi or something ignorant. I am trying to take the high road here. I am stressed enough about not having a job, I just can't see how he thinks he is helping by talking to me that way. How should I proceed from here? Address this or ignore it?
Amp~
Thanks so much for the response. Trying to stay positive about the job search. I have a few things lined up for next week. Just playing the waiting game right now. Thankfully all of the Christmas shopping was done long ago and I am not immediately stressed about money.
I can't decide whether to address this with him or act as though it never happened. I think if I don't address it, then resentment is going to build and I will continue to be pissed off about it. That being said, I don't want a huge fight during the holidays. I think I will try to talk to him about it. My mother never worked when we were young and my father always supported the family. I am a bit shocked that I married a man who in a time of crisis will let me sink.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,593
Re: Merry Christmas-Here's Your Pink Slip
Quote:
Originally Posted by StrongEnough
I think if I don't address it, then resentment is going to build and I will continue to be pissed off about it.
Bingo!
Yes this could drive you into deep resentment and my turn into a watershed event at some point in the future. But it could certainly wait a couple of days also. Enjoy your kids over the Holiday and find a good time afterwards to discuss how this makes you feel with him. Good luck.
Yes this could drive you into deep resentment and my turn into a watershed event at some point in the future. But it could certainly wait a couple of days also. Enjoy your kids over the Holiday and find a good time afterwards to discuss how this makes you feel with him. Good luck.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,593
Re: Merry Christmas-Here's Your Pink Slip
A turning point in the marriage. Something you may look back at in the future and see the dynamics changed over this. Good or bad. His statements and lack of support are out of line and may give you justification in initiating or furthering your withdrawal from him. It may also force the issues in the marriage to be addressed.
Thank you for defining that. I don't think I am looking for justification in withdrawing from him. I think however it is a natural thing that has happened over time from his handling of incidents (not job related-this is my first layoff ever). I am quite reserved in what I share with him because I don't have the support that I think I need. He called this morning on his break and acted like nothing happened last night. I did say I am really hurt regarding what happened last night. He blew right on past it, did not skip a beat, and asked me something completely unrelated.
By him ignoring your feelings, it does sound as though he isn't really getting how deeply this hurts you. I agree with Amp that if you can wait it out a few days and enjoy the holidays, have a serious discussion with him in the days following. My ex is my ex for that very reason...the lack of emotional support over the years but constant need of support and reassurance from me when he was stressed just wore me out over time. I think much of this had to do with us meeting in high school where he went from his mother's support to mine and me being on my own to figure out how to pay for college, rent, etc. so our roles were set early on and it was hard to change that pattern. Unfortunately, he didn't really see how alone and hurt I was feeling to want to change and I could not continue on as we were. I hope you are able to reach him and he is able to understand your hurt.
Thank you Swedish~
It will be very hard to act as though that did not bother me, but I am going to put it aside and enjoy the holidays. I am just not sure how to start this discussion with him or where to begin? I don't want him to shut down or feel like I am b****ing at him. I want him to really understand. Any suggestions?
Was he teasing, perhaps? Did he say it with a smile? Maybe it was something to break the stress of the moment.
If I'd said that, I'd certainly have a huge warm smile so my SO would know I was teasing!
I was off work for almost a year before finding a job (almost 2 years ago) and my GF carried me even though I knew it was a burden. I was grateful and let her know it every way I could.
Ask him what he meant by that and if he was serious, remind him of his layoffs and that YOU covered HIM and now's the time for him to do the same.
But COMMUNICATE! Don't let it fester when possibly he only meant it as a stress breaker. I know the news isn't pleasant. I often react with humor, myself. Usually it's somewhat tactful.
I hope your prospects next week are fruitful! Good luck!
Just be very careful not to put him on the defensive or he will likely brush it off as b*^@&ing and not really listen to you. Instead of 'when you do this or that' think of wording how you feel...'I've been feeling really alone...I guess I always hoped our marriage would feel like a team and calling me a mooch just makes me feel xyz' If he tries to change the subject or downplay his words, I would dig deeper into other issues where he made you feel this way over time...he might see this as one small incident but if it's been building up over time, so will your resentment so it's best to make him fully aware of how you are feeling so he has the chance to respond.
I try to be careful about how i approach my H when he's hurt my feelings. I try to remember that he cant make me feel anything, that I am responsible for how i interpret what was said/done.
what your H said to you was really hurtful. but you also have to ask yourself if you are tying in any other things? Like you mentioned that you always try to help him and encourage him. adding in something like that to your emotions intensifies the hurt of what he said to you. the emotions behind this incident are probably not isolated to just this incident. what else are you saying to yourself about all this? its important to keep that in mind because then you can go in aware of how much is really bothering you. Are you really talking about just this one thing? only you can be sure of what is all really attached to this one incident.
whenever something is really bothering me i ask my H if he as 15-30 minutes to give me his full attention. i let him know what im going to say is really important to me and i need him to respond. if he says he cant respond, i respect his boundaries, and try again another time.
and of course i try to be aware of what i expect out of the conversation. i ask myself if its reasonable to expect my H to heal the pain he's caused, especially in one conversation. usually i find it is not reasonable. he's human after all. but i do find it reasonable that he talk to me about it and listen and attempt to understand. so of course i have to be willing to really listen and attempt to understand him.
it doesnt usually go this well, but sometimes it does and it feels really good afterwards. and that is, after all, the ultimate goal.
Merry Christmas-Here's Your Pink Slip 
