Talking like people...not enemies.

DayDream · 10-28-2011, 11:12 PM

You know, I noticed that when my husband and I can sit down and talk about things like you would talk to a friend at work or some other acquaintance, without the initial spite and anger that usually accompanies these sessions, you really do get through to one another. My husband and I had a great talk last night because I simply asked, "Hey, would you be [insert topic]?" without anger...just as you would start a conversation with anybody. How about that? And we weren't talking about football or dishes...we were talking about important things. I took the spite out of it and it worked.

Question is...why can't it be like that all the time? Why does a husband and a wife have to be on "opposing teams"? (taken from another thread I read about someone describing their relationship with their husband) Shouldn't you be on the same team? Does it always have to turn into a you against me thing?

I think we get to a point where we think everything our spouse does or says has a hidden meaning or something spiteful or insidious lurking behind it, and the other way around. And sometimes it does...so we get to a point where we think EVERYTHING is like that, then we start to not trust our spouse. Then the spouse becomes the opponent when it should never be that way.

At what point does our partner stop being our friend and companion, and instead turn into an opponent? Maybe if we could answer this, we would figure out the exact moment it happened and thus find the reason things started going to sh!t.

nice777guy · 10-28-2011, 11:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stillme4you

You know, I noticed that when my husband and I can sit down and talk about things like you would talk to a friend at work or some other acquaintance, without the initial spite and anger that usually accompanies these sessions, you really do get through to one another. My husband and I had a great talk last night because I simply asked, "Hey, would you be [insert topic]?" without anger...just as you would start a conversation with anybody. How about that? And we weren't talking about football or dishes...we were talking about important things. I took the spite out of it and it worked.

Question is...why can't it be like that all the time? Why does a husband and a wife have to be on "opposing teams"? (taken from another thread I read about someone describing their relationship with their husband) Shouldn't you be on the same team? Does it always have to turn into a you against me thing?

I think we get to a point where we think everything our spouse does or says has a hidden meaning or something spiteful or insidious lurking behind it, and the other way around. And sometimes it does...so we get to a point where we think EVERYTHING is like that, then we start to not trust our spouse. Then the spouse becomes the opponent when it should never be that way.

At what point does our partner stop being our friend and companion, and instead turn into an opponent? Maybe if we could answer this, we would figure out the exact moment it happened and thus find the reason things started going to sh!t.

When I've felt that this is happening - I do what I can to make sure that my side of the street is clean, so to speak.

I've always seen the ability to argue in a positive way as a sign of maturity - plain and simple.

If your spouse begins "fighting dirty" - or treating you like an opponent - don't sink to their level and - if necessary - just calmly walk away.

You can only control "you."