Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?
My situation is now at a point I don't know if there is any possibility of getting my Wife back that I had meet 15 years ago. We meet each other in our high school days, dated for 2 years and lived together 1 year out the 2 years of dating. Before we got married and even just after our sex life was great. But after 5 years of being married and having our first child, the times changed. I will never forget the discussion we had when she revealed her feelings. She said from the beginning of our marriage the affection and the intimacy during sex was never there. One statement she said was she doesn't love me and she felt it might be best if we separated (stay married) just live in separate locations because she read something that said if the love, affection and intimacy was there, then after time of being separated our hearts would grow to love each other more because of the desire to want to be with each other again. Well that didn't happen, because I told her when we stated our vows for marriage, the decision was for better, for worse, and in sickness and in health, until death do us apart. I am a man of my word, as I would expect my wife to be, but at that time I think a large vowed has grown in-between us that I don't know if can be repaired. I grew up with parents that had hard times as with most everybody else, but they stayed married and are still married after 55 years. As for my wife, her life growing up was in a home that involved her mother marring someone every 2 years. This I wonder is what may be a part of why she has a hard time expressing her feelings. At the end of the talk we had, I asked her what can I do better. Is it with how I am trying to make love with you? Do some specific need you would like to have some attention paid too during sex? All I got from her was, I am not comfortable with talking about that type of stuff with you. I said okay then who are you comfortable with discussing this with? No response and then I said okay we need to go see a counselor.
We went to a counselor for about 4 months. After the counselor started to dig into my wife experiences that she had sexual before me the discussions stopped and my wife requested that the next few sessions will need to be with just her and the counselor. I thought that was strange, but the counselor said that this is normal, so they had these sessions for another month or so, and I was having my sessions with the counselor too, but just with the counselor and not the wife. Once the 4 month session came around we meet again together, the counselor brought up some things that I was already aware of but she felt I need to know that my wife felt it was affecting how she dealt with affection and intimacy. A few years before she meet me, she had been raped by a random person in a very violent way, and she never went to counseling after that to help control any emotions she may be experiencing because of this terrible trauma. I do remember in the early years when we tried to have sex it was not an easy task because she had an uncontrolled tendency to flex her inner vagina muscles to stop me from penetrating her.
Just this last weekend we went on a trip to the lake to spend 3 days with some friends. The trip involved a long drive, so I thought what better time to try and talk about our lack of affection and intimacy. I brought it up and she got very defensive and said I am not going to let you make this a bad trip so stop talking about it. So I quit, but from that point my emotions were off the chart, and when we got to the lake, I put on the happy face show like we always do. The friends that were staying there were a married couple about the same age of us and they had kids too. The place that we stayed at had a hot tub; well you know what happens when you mix alcohol with hot tubs.... Yep you guessed it, there went the clothes and out came the flirting. The flirting was between the wives; they were kissing and being sexual in a way that you would expect two female partners that have been living together while being intimate with each other. When that was not going on my wife didn't ever try to show affection towards me, she actually would sit on the opposite end of the hot tub. What the f...? When I did try to get close and make effort to be affectionate she said don't do that, I don't want us arguing in front of our friends.
So what thoughts do you have on this one? Is it possible my wife has changed her sexual preference such that she would rather be sexual with a woman? Or could she be testing the waters to see how I would act when she performed that type of sexual act?
I’m at the point now, just like someone else stated in an earlier post, I need answers now and results because it has been 3 if not 4 years since we have had any sex that felt to be affectionate and in the past 2 years we have not had sex period.
Any advice at this point I am willing to listen to, because I need to feel like I’m loved and that my wife thinks I’m sexy.