Feeling like a roommate not a wife?
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Old 10-29-2011, 10:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

I've been feeling really depressed lately because I feel like my husband and I are more like roommates than spouses. Its become a really passionless marriage. We rarely talk or see each other. We both work different shifts and then he tends to spend most nights out with friends. (He spends way more time with his friends than with me.) Days when we are both home he typically sleeps all day because he was up all night and then he just sleeps til it is time for work. Anyway, my point is, we never have any quality time and we have drifted apart. We are like roommates who occasionally sleep in the same bed.

How do I feel about this? I suppose I feel neglected. Maybe guilty too? This is at least partly my fault? Sad and stuck are mainly my feelings. I wonder how he feels.

I really don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to talk to him either. I find it kind of sad I'm here talking to complete strangers about our troubles rather than him.

What can I do? Can our relationship be saved? How do I talk to him? Are a lot of other people stuck in this situation?
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Old 10-29-2011, 10:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

I know how you feel..my wife and I haven't slept in the same bed for over 5 years...we are in the process of getting a divorce, we just couldn't make it work. I haven't felt this bad in my life, I'm feeling like I've been punched in the stomach....but I'm hoping there's a future, it's all I have at the moment..
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Old 10-29-2011, 11:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

This is the path my parents marriage went down. They hadn't slept in the same bed for 20+ years. I never understood why they stayed married. They were just ships passing in the night. I'm assuming there are financial reasons.

I had always told myself I'd never want to be in a marriage like that.. and here it is, happening to me. I feel horrible.
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Old 10-30-2011, 11:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

KAY,

I feel exactly the same way. I honestly feel like my husband and i are room mates rather than supposed soul mates. When he comes home from work he either wants to drink or play video games, we have only been together for 4 years but i feel like hes already tired of me. We just had our first child in July so our relationship has been alittle strained due to our new family dynamics and the pregnancy and so forth but i feel like there is now a wall between us and im unsure as to why. We havent been initimate in months, i mean he kisses me good night each night but what used to be a giggly fun loving kiss has now turned to a quick peck on the cheek before he rolls over. I feel so lost. We have been to marriage counseling before and that lasted a few months but at this point, liek you, im unsure what to do. I want my husband back, i want the guy who loved to be with me, the guy who wanted me back. I have been trying to find a local counselor at our new location in hopes of trying to safe whatever we may have left; my best advice would be to try and see if you could find a mutual counselor..maybe through a church or something. Best of luck to you, glad to knwo im not the only one feeling this way.
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Old 10-30-2011, 12:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

How do you spend the time you have with him? My wife often complains that I work too much overtime but when I'm home, I either get ignored or treated to hostility. How have you been trying to increase the passion you miss?
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Old 11-07-2011, 12:11 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

I know how you feel. I have addressed the issue several years. He claims it is not me, but him. Yet, he never does anything about it. When I told him I would leave he gets drunk and all teary and begs me not to, "He will die." Here I am on a computer reaching out in tears. I want my husband back, I don't want to cheat, but my feelings are hurt so bad. You are not alone.
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Old 11-07-2011, 12:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

Sit him down and talk to him.

Start with:

1. This is how I'm feeling...
2. This is what I need...
3. How do we fix this?

Your story sounds similar to what mine was 6 months ago. Those three things helped us regroup in the time he moved out (because of our issues). But seriously, talk to the man. Gently, without blame.
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Old 11-07-2011, 01:10 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks for caring, I will try. Best to you all~
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Old 11-09-2011, 11:12 PM   #9 (permalink)
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My situation is now at a point I don't know if there is any possibility of getting my Wife back that I had meet 15 years ago. We meet each other in our high school days, dated for 2 years and lived together 1 year out the 2 years of dating. Before we got married and even just after our sex life was great. But after 5 years of being married and having our first child, the times changed. I will never forget the discussion we had when she revealed her feelings. She said from the beginning of our marriage the affection and the intimacy during sex was never there. One statement she said was she doesn't love me and she felt it might be best if we separated (stay married) just live in separate locations because she read something that said if the love, affection and intimacy was there, then after time of being separated our hearts would grow to love each other more because of the desire to want to be with each other again. Well that didn't happen, because I told her when we stated our vows for marriage, the decision was for better, for worse, and in sickness and in health, until death do us apart. I am a man of my word, as I would expect my wife to be, but at that time I think a large vowed has grown in-between us that I don't know if can be repaired. I grew up with parents that had hard times as with most everybody else, but they stayed married and are still married after 55 years. As for my wife, her life growing up was in a home that involved her mother marring someone every 2 years. This I wonder is what may be a part of why she has a hard time expressing her feelings. At the end of the talk we had, I asked her what can I do better. Is it with how I am trying to make love with you? Do some specific need you would like to have some attention paid too during sex? All I got from her was, I am not comfortable with talking about that type of stuff with you. I said okay then who are you comfortable with discussing this with? No response and then I said okay we need to go see a counselor.

We went to a counselor for about 4 months. After the counselor started to dig into my wife experiences that she had sexual before me the discussions stopped and my wife requested that the next few sessions will need to be with just her and the counselor. I thought that was strange, but the counselor said that this is normal, so they had these sessions for another month or so, and I was having my sessions with the counselor too, but just with the counselor and not the wife. Once the 4 month session came around we meet again together, the counselor brought up some things that I was already aware of but she felt I need to know that my wife felt it was affecting how she dealt with affection and intimacy. A few years before she meet me, she had been raped by a random person in a very violent way, and she never went to counseling after that to help control any emotions she may be experiencing because of this terrible trauma. I do remember in the early years when we tried to have sex it was not an easy task because she had an uncontrolled tendency to flex her inner vagina muscles to stop me from penetrating her.

Just this last weekend we went on a trip to the lake to spend 3 days with some friends. The trip involved a long drive, so I thought what better time to try and talk about our lack of affection and intimacy. I brought it up and she got very defensive and said I am not going to let you make this a bad trip so stop talking about it. So I quit, but from that point my emotions were off the chart, and when we got to the lake, I put on the happy face show like we always do. The friends that were staying there were a married couple about the same age of us and they had kids too. The place that we stayed at had a hot tub; well you know what happens when you mix alcohol with hot tubs.... Yep you guessed it, there went the clothes and out came the flirting. The flirting was between the wives; they were kissing and being sexual in a way that you would expect two female partners that have been living together while being intimate with each other. When that was not going on my wife didn't ever try to show affection towards me, she actually would sit on the opposite end of the hot tub. What the f...? When I did try to get close and make effort to be affectionate she said don't do that, I don't want us arguing in front of our friends.

So what thoughts do you have on this one? Is it possible my wife has changed her sexual preference such that she would rather be sexual with a woman? Or could she be testing the waters to see how I would act when she performed that type of sexual act?

Iím at the point now, just like someone else stated in an earlier post, I need answers now and results because it has been 3 if not 4 years since we have had any sex that felt to be affectionate and in the past 2 years we have not had sex period.

Any advice at this point I am willing to listen to, because I need to feel like Iím loved and that my wife thinks Iím sexy.
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Old 11-09-2011, 11:18 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

@bjs... So you are not having sex, but she was making out with one of the women there?

Sorry, but that's both cheating and cruel.

Maybe time to pull the plug.
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Old 11-09-2011, 11:23 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

If that's the case, then I just have wasted 15 years of my life with someone I thought was my true soul mate. What has keep us together so far is the risk of hurting our only child that's 4. That is one thing I don't want to happen is to see my daughter be hurt by this lack of affection, and I wonder if it hasn't already because she probably does see the lack of love and affection. Hmmmm what to do?
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Old 11-09-2011, 11:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

So much of the time I feel exactly the way you do. We are coming up on our ten year anniversary this month and he tells me he might be out of town on business for two weeks. It is also both of ours 50th birthdays the following week. I had big plans for all of these events. Gosh, when we were first together he was so obsessed with me that his work actually started to suffer. I am a night owl and he would stay up and we would talk until late in the night. Now he comes home from work, turns on some reality show and is asleep at 8:30pm. I feel so lonely.
To make matters worse, we sleep in separate bedrooms. He snores and needs the tv on and I have to have total darkness and silence. I also have the worlds worst hot flashes at night and it makes us both uncomfy to be in the same bed. It's like a thousand degrees with the two of us. He used to tell me he missed sleeping in the same bed but I think now he actually likes being alone. I've tried many times to sleep with him but I just can't. I never get any sleep! I do know this doesn't help matters, either.
I had a total hysterectomy last week and I have to admit he has not been all that attentive. This too bums me out. Just feeling sad. I love him dearly and yes, we still have some great times but those times seem few and far between. We don't fight often and still seem to "like" each other but it just doesn't seem like enough. When I try and talk to him he says he is happy and it's all me. I dunno....I don't think he would really do anything to make things better unless I made a drastic move to show him I was serious about wanting more from our marriage. Sigh..........................
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Old 12-07-2011, 10:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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My husband and I have been going through the same thing in our relationship for quite a few years now. We went to marriage counceling back in 2007 and things seemed to get better but then they went right back to the way it was before.
I am a very warm and affectionage person, and my husband is not. I have spoke to him regarding this over and over again.
He blames his lack of interest in me on his work, which is very stressful, I have to agree it is a tough job with a lot of hours. But he's been at the same job for over 20 years, when will he learn to separate work from home? Or be able to handle stress at work in a different manner? I would hope that coming home and spending time with his wife would be a retreat from his job. Another excuse is his snoring, he has severe sleep apnea and is supposed to wear a cpap mask at night. He says he don't want to bother with putting it on at night, so he just sleeps on the couch every night. He claims his fatigue from work is what makes him fall asleep there. Lord knows he's not getting good quality sleep on the couch, and could be risking his health. I have spoken to him over and over again about this and it seems he doesn't think its important enough to make a change.
During the work week, he comes home and eats and sits in front of the TV until he passes out there. I try to talk to him and get him more involved with me, such as decorating for Christmas or regular household duties, but he just looks at me with glazed eyes and doesn't have much to say. Rarely are we intimate anymore, sometimes we go a whole month before we are together. Most of the time I initiate the encounter, but my feelings are so hurt and I feel so alone. Now, I am losing interest in our love life as well. Recently he made a "cute" comment "maybe we'll make love next week" and was laughing like its all a big joke. I have expressed my feelings of hurt, rejection, and lonliness to him, but it's still the same. I do have a history of mild depression and he blames all my sad feelings on my "clinical depression", he doesnt feel he is responsible for my feelings and he can't make me feel a certain way.
Now as far as depression, mine is mild and I do take a rx for it, which we all know a ton of people who deal with the same conditon. It is nothing to feel ashamed of. I am very successful in my career, have wonderful friends, and I am close to my children. Plus, I work out at least 5 times per week. I don't feel depressed about any of my relationships or friendships, it's my marriage that is depressing. And it seems he doesn't care enough to make any changes. Most of the time I am so happy go lucky, and let things slide right off my shoulders. But lately I feel so hopeless and alone. I wonder if a lot of wives go through this with their husband?
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Old 12-08-2011, 09:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

Almost all these replies ought to be separate posts. Each one with the same kind of problem but none with any solutions.
To the one who had problems with the sex I would advise using dilators.
To the first poster. It seems you still sleep together so all is not lost. How do you get to talk to him. Of course about yourselves is difficult. Cant you watch TV together and then discuss the film.
Make him a meal, get dressed up for it and ask him to play the part as well by dressing up. I wouldnt give up just yet. Try your best not to anger him, if there is anything he normally does in the house offer to do it yourself. If you know he wants something and you can afford it buy it for him or offer him money to buy it himself and agree to go yourself without something. These are only suggestions of how to show you want him and need him.
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Old 05-24-2013, 12:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Feeling like a roommate not a wife?

I can understand where these posting are coming from. I been married for 30 years. We are roommates, I have no other choice but to stay.for reasons. When we were first married i was the ones who try to keep things fresh. But as time went on I got tired of everything being so one side it. Now, I'm not saying he not a good man he is.The bills are paid.No bars. Now,if we go out, we hardly talk.If we do It usually me trying to pull things out of the air. Then we come home and put food away it follow by both of us going into different rooms. My free time when I'm not sitting by myself it taking a walk or being with family or friends. I do get down at times. If anyone had watch Hope springs that would be my married. So I'm telling anyone if you can't save your married get out of it.Or you'll be sitting in a room my yourself
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