My husband, who I will refer to as Tom, and I have known each other since the 8th grade. We have been together for 6 years, and married for almost 3 years. During this time things were made difficult by my family, more specific, my mother. I have always had a strained relationship with her. Tom and his family have been the most wonderful people i have ever met. His grandmother gave us her house and Tom spent about 30 grand remodeling it for me and my 3 children (from a previous relationship). The first couple of years of Tom and my relationship was filled with a lot of fighting, if it wasn't my ex creating chaos, it was my mother. Before my relationship with Tom it wasn't abnormal for my mother and I to not speak to each other for a year or two, and at first I thought the main reason was because of my last relationship with the father of my children, he was controlling, violent and a drug and alcohol addict. I had to have a get away in place to be able to leave him (the song Love the Way You Lie by Eminem makes me nauseated because of how it describes that relationship). So when I had left that relationship I was really hopeful that I would be able to rebuild a relationship with my mother, and for my children to get to know their grandmother. When Tom was around it seemed like my mother was jealous. I would often hear snide remarks from her. I had kept hoping that she would eventually see how happy the kids and I were, and how much love was there. It only got worse and it was a reminder of why I couldn't have a relationship with her (to be short, growing up she had told me 'mommies don't hug and kiss their daughters, while watching her fawn over my brothers. Her husband at the time was abusive to my brother and I and I was molested by him for 7 years to which my mother blamed me for the end of her marriage to him). Her treatment of Tom and myself caused many fights between he and I, and while I wanted nothing to do with her, I felt horribly guilty keeping my children from her since my children had come to love their grandma. Tom's family has been nothing short of wonderful to my children and I. They accepted us into their family with no hesitations, my children even call them Grandma and Grandpa. So it is really hurtful not just to my husband but me that my family looks so down on my husband and my marriage. After my youngest son's birthday to which his family and mine attended, I was appalled at my mother's refusal to even acknowledge my husband's family and some hurtful things that she had said before leaving so I had decided that enough was enough. I chose to cut all contact and ties with her. For a couple of years it had stayed this way. I had gotten a text from her informing me about the declining health of my grandfather and while it was extremely uncomfortable, I had decided to put differences aside to be there for my grandparents. This decision made my husband upset, but I assured him that I wasn't doing this for her, but for my grandparents and that I wasn't going out of my way with her, I have no intention of reconciliation that would not only hurt me, but my children and husband. Last week I received a text from my brother asking me if I would be there for his graduation from the State Trooper Academy, my father, who I hadn't seen in 6-7 years would be there. At first I had declined because my mother was going to be there and I didn't want to be where my family wasn't wanted. My father had never met Tom but had always expressed interest in meeting him. My father told me to ask Tom to come, forget about my mother, Tom could sit with him and they could piss her off together. Since my father was only in town for that day, I almost felt a sense of urgency. I had desperately wanted my husband to meet someone from my family who would embrace him as his family has my children and I. So I talked about all of this with Tom, expressly stating that I would not be upset or disappointed if he decided that it wasn't a good idea, I would understand. To my surprise he said yes. The day of the graduation, I could tell that he was as anxious and nervous as I, if not more. But I had it planned that we would ignore my mother and take our seats next toy father when we arrived. ....it did not work out that way. I was told by my mother that we needed to be there by 8, so that's when we arrived. The ceremony didn't start until 10. And my father didn't show up until 10 minutes before the ceremony started. So we stood there for 2 hours while my mother took pictures, at one point, my brother asked for a picture with my children, myself and Tom. While taking the pictures, I noticed that my mother had the camera angled so as to cut out as much of Tom as possible. My brother's fiance asked me if we would be able to go to lunch with the family after, to which I had politely declined. I made up an excuse not wanting to air out dirty laundry per say, even though it appeared that my mother took no issue in doing so. During the ceremony my children wanted to sit with other family members who were around my mother and I reluctantly agreed because my children aren't around many of my family members often. After the ceremony I went to retrieve my children to leave and I was approached by my mother asking me to go to lunch with them. I again declined and again because I didn't want to make a scene told her the same thing. A family member asked if the children could stay, and I reluctantly agreed. My mother then told me to tell Tom that he could go, he doesn't need me, they would get me home. I bit my tongue hard to keep from saying anything, I instead left with my husband. The ride home was horrible. I felt so terrible because I had asked him to come with me and this was how he was treated. He was also, understandably, hurt by me. As he put it "if my family had treated you the way I was, I would have said something regardless of who was there". To hear that he felt like I didn't have his back was very hard to hear. I spent the rest of the day apologizing. The next day, things were going very well for us. We had spent most of the day together and laughing. While cuddling on our couch he had told me how lucky he felt to have me as his wife. Sunday night we had just finished watching GoT and I'm still not sure how it started, but we began fighting again. And again he had said how he felt like I didn't stand up for him. It quickly escalated into everything that has caused us to argue in the past. Jumping back to the past, when his grandmother gave us her house, I did not sign my name on the deed. I felt that it was inappropriate because I had nothing to offer than my love and devotion. During this fight he once again reminded me that this house is his. Not ours. Tom is on disability and receives SSDI. I work outside of the home. I have never rubbed in his face that I work and bring in more money because I think it's tacky and the only reason to say something like that is to hurt the other person and attempt to point out someone's place. However, I'm not given the same courtesy. What I bring in, I call OURS, and while I could never do something for him so grand as was done for my kids and I, it feels like nothing I do is enough, or compares. I'm not sure if he does this out of guilt or to truly be hurtful, but it breaks me nonetheless. How do I compare? How do I compete? How do I help him to understand that even though I can't give him something as grand as a house, I have never withheld from giving everything I had? That just because I didn't confront my mother in front of hundreds and other family doesn't mean that I didn't stand up for him after? I have no one else to talk to but him because I have become so isolated, I have lost interest in maintaining friendships outside of work because I truly love coming home to my husband and children, and my diagnosis of fibromyalgia has just made things all the more difficult for me.
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