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Please help! I feel like I'm losing my marriage and I have no one to talk to

7K views 64 replies 18 participants last post by  emmasmith 
#1 ·
My husband, who I will refer to as Tom, and I have known each other since the 8th grade. We have been together for 6 years, and married for almost 3 years. During this time things were made difficult by my family, more specific, my mother. I have always had a strained relationship with her. Tom and his family have been the most wonderful people i have ever met. His grandmother gave us her house and Tom spent about 30 grand remodeling it for me and my 3 children (from a previous relationship). The first couple of years of Tom and my relationship was filled with a lot of fighting, if it wasn't my ex creating chaos, it was my mother. Before my relationship with Tom it wasn't abnormal for my mother and I to not speak to each other for a year or two, and at first I thought the main reason was because of my last relationship with the father of my children, he was controlling, violent and a drug and alcohol addict. I had to have a get away in place to be able to leave him (the song Love the Way You Lie by Eminem makes me nauseated because of how it describes that relationship). So when I had left that relationship I was really hopeful that I would be able to rebuild a relationship with my mother, and for my children to get to know their grandmother. When Tom was around it seemed like my mother was jealous. I would often hear snide remarks from her. I had kept hoping that she would eventually see how happy the kids and I were, and how much love was there. It only got worse and it was a reminder of why I couldn't have a relationship with her (to be short, growing up she had told me 'mommies don't hug and kiss their daughters, while watching her fawn over my brothers. Her husband at the time was abusive to my brother and I and I was molested by him for 7 years to which my mother blamed me for the end of her marriage to him). Her treatment of Tom and myself caused many fights between he and I, and while I wanted nothing to do with her, I felt horribly guilty keeping my children from her since my children had come to love their grandma. Tom's family has been nothing short of wonderful to my children and I. They accepted us into their family with no hesitations, my children even call them Grandma and Grandpa. So it is really hurtful not just to my husband but me that my family looks so down on my husband and my marriage. After my youngest son's birthday to which his family and mine attended, I was appalled at my mother's refusal to even acknowledge my husband's family and some hurtful things that she had said before leaving so I had decided that enough was enough. I chose to cut all contact and ties with her. For a couple of years it had stayed this way. I had gotten a text from her informing me about the declining health of my grandfather and while it was extremely uncomfortable, I had decided to put differences aside to be there for my grandparents. This decision made my husband upset, but I assured him that I wasn't doing this for her, but for my grandparents and that I wasn't going out of my way with her, I have no intention of reconciliation that would not only hurt me, but my children and husband. Last week I received a text from my brother asking me if I would be there for his graduation from the State Trooper Academy, my father, who I hadn't seen in 6-7 years would be there. At first I had declined because my mother was going to be there and I didn't want to be where my family wasn't wanted. My father had never met Tom but had always expressed interest in meeting him. My father told me to ask Tom to come, forget about my mother, Tom could sit with him and they could piss her off together. Since my father was only in town for that day, I almost felt a sense of urgency. I had desperately wanted my husband to meet someone from my family who would embrace him as his family has my children and I. So I talked about all of this with Tom, expressly stating that I would not be upset or disappointed if he decided that it wasn't a good idea, I would understand. To my surprise he said yes. The day of the graduation, I could tell that he was as anxious and nervous as I, if not more. But I had it planned that we would ignore my mother and take our seats next toy father when we arrived. ....it did not work out that way. I was told by my mother that we needed to be there by 8, so that's when we arrived. The ceremony didn't start until 10. And my father didn't show up until 10 minutes before the ceremony started. So we stood there for 2 hours while my mother took pictures, at one point, my brother asked for a picture with my children, myself and Tom. While taking the pictures, I noticed that my mother had the camera angled so as to cut out as much of Tom as possible. My brother's fiance asked me if we would be able to go to lunch with the family after, to which I had politely declined. I made up an excuse not wanting to air out dirty laundry per say, even though it appeared that my mother took no issue in doing so. During the ceremony my children wanted to sit with other family members who were around my mother and I reluctantly agreed because my children aren't around many of my family members often. After the ceremony I went to retrieve my children to leave and I was approached by my mother asking me to go to lunch with them. I again declined and again because I didn't want to make a scene told her the same thing. A family member asked if the children could stay, and I reluctantly agreed. My mother then told me to tell Tom that he could go, he doesn't need me, they would get me home. I bit my tongue hard to keep from saying anything, I instead left with my husband. The ride home was horrible. I felt so terrible because I had asked him to come with me and this was how he was treated. He was also, understandably, hurt by me. As he put it "if my family had treated you the way I was, I would have said something regardless of who was there". To hear that he felt like I didn't have his back was very hard to hear. I spent the rest of the day apologizing. The next day, things were going very well for us. We had spent most of the day together and laughing. While cuddling on our couch he had told me how lucky he felt to have me as his wife. Sunday night we had just finished watching GoT and I'm still not sure how it started, but we began fighting again. And again he had said how he felt like I didn't stand up for him. It quickly escalated into everything that has caused us to argue in the past. Jumping back to the past, when his grandmother gave us her house, I did not sign my name on the deed. I felt that it was inappropriate because I had nothing to offer than my love and devotion. During this fight he once again reminded me that this house is his. Not ours. Tom is on disability and receives SSDI. I work outside of the home. I have never rubbed in his face that I work and bring in more money because I think it's tacky and the only reason to say something like that is to hurt the other person and attempt to point out someone's place. However, I'm not given the same courtesy. What I bring in, I call OURS, and while I could never do something for him so grand as was done for my kids and I, it feels like nothing I do is enough, or compares. I'm not sure if he does this out of guilt or to truly be hurtful, but it breaks me nonetheless. How do I compare? How do I compete? How do I help him to understand that even though I can't give him something as grand as a house, I have never withheld from giving everything I had? That just because I didn't confront my mother in front of hundreds and other family doesn't mean that I didn't stand up for him after? I have no one else to talk to but him because I have become so isolated, I have lost interest in maintaining friendships outside of work because I truly love coming home to my husband and children, and my diagnosis of fibromyalgia has just made things all the more difficult for me.
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#4 ·
Thank you for responding and being honest. I just felt that it wasn't appropriate for me to do so at my brother's special event. I would say that next time I will do so, but after confronting her later on her treatment of my husband I have told her that I have no place for her in our lives and blocked everything I have from her. Phone number, email, social media, etc.

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#5 ·
Did his grandmother give him the house before or after you married? If after, it is likely the house is considered marital property. Just thought I'd toss that out there.

As for your family's treatment of your H, he's right. You should have said something right then and there. You could have given your family a polite, but firm, set down in a controlled voice. At that point, they have two options. Suck it up or start drama. If they would have started drama, all you would have had to do is say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way.", gather up the kids, grab your husbands hand, and walk away.

I understand you wanting some kind of relationship between your children and your family, but it is foolish to encourgae a relationship with the toxic members, even if one of those toxic people is their grandmother. First, you don't want the toxic example they set. Second, you don't want toxic people getting their hooks into your kids. Third, it is disrespectful to your husband...you know, the guy who is raising your kids and supports them, including giving them a decent place to live.

I thought my family was bad, but at least they're housebroke enough to be polite to my DH. Probably because I made it clear back when we first got togeher that any impoliteness would result in no further contact between them, me, and/or my kids.
 
#6 ·
Thank you so very much for your insight and advice. And you're absolutely right, I should have sucked it up and stood my ground and said something then and there. As far as the toxicity, it has never been put to me that way and thank you for doing so.

His grandmother gave him the house before we got married, but I have always held the stance that should we divorce I wouldn't try to make any claim for the house. I don't feel that it's my place to do so even if it were an option. I think it should stay in his family. His mother gave me 2 pearl necklaces that belonged to her now deceased mother as well as her wedding band when we got married and I hold the same stance with those items as well. They should stay in his family.
When we got married, our ceremony was very small. And I loved it for that. The only money spent for our wedding was on my $20 dollar wedding dress and the officiator, and the only ones in attendance were my children and his family. I had no guilt or remorse for not having my family there and I don't to this day. Which only confirms to me that my hanging on to them for the sake of my kids is actually me doing my children a disservice and in fact betraying my husband no matter how good my intentions were.
Thank you again for your advice, it is appreciated more than you know.

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#29 ·
You sound like a reasonable and fair and living woman.
I understand that you didn't want to make a ruckus at the event. However, it likely would have been best that when you saw your mother was manipulating you, telling you to be there 2 hours early, you should have smelled the bait and decided not to bite on it. You did.
However, it's over. Just don't let them screw up your relationship anymore, and give things a little time to see if your husband comes around to a better understanding.

Your mother blamed you for the molestation? What a sick woman. You're not wise to let your kids around your family. It's obvious to anyone that they are a black cloud. Don't let your kids or yourself get rained on again by them.

Btw, your husband shouldn't lord that house over you.
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#8 ·
Your so-called mother is a real piece of work. She blamed you for her husband molesting you for 7 years. She needs to be locked up. Please don't let her be around your children. God only knows what damage she could do to them. If you haven't already, you may at some point want to seek therapy for what she put you through.
 
#18 ·
Funny you should mention that, when I was going through this on my own I sought help on my own, the first time I ended up in a mental house, which was actually very beneficial. I came out of there with some coping skills that I still use to this day. After that, since she always had some excuse for not liking whichever psychologist I was referred to, and also impeding the criminal investigation, I found a drug counselor from school who I felt very comfortable talking to about everything his words and advice have always been helpful to me.
My mother didn't actually believe me until about 6 years ago when her XH had come to town and told my mother about allegations being made against him from other women while he was on duty (he was a firefighter/paramedic, he is also now deceased having died from colon cancer) apparently that's when my mother put 2 and 2 together and not surprising that his family had no idea why they divorced. They were told it was because I had met some boy long distance? Even if that were the case, I'm not sure why that would hold any standing as to why they divorced or why anyone bought it.
I guess after having children of my own, I tried to look at it from a mother's perspective that as mother's we want to believe that we would never allow a monster to be near our children, much less fall in love with them and start a family with them, to add that she was a peace officer at that time, I guess it only adds to the feeling that you are supposed to put the bad guys away, not bring them into your home. But monsters like this are highly deceptive and manipulative, as well as charming. And I guess in my desperation to try to understand why a mother would essentially abandon her child when the child needed her the most is what has been blinding me to the fact that this woman has barely had the basic of instinct towards me as a child. I can't treat my children this way and it's unfathomable to do so.

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#9 ·
@Blossom Leigh

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Thanks, Far.... Goodness gracious you and I could be sisters. Trust me when I say I've walked in your shoes and STILL walk in your shoes, but also trust me when I say I am WAY further down the road from where you are mentally right now and can help steer you to the perspectives that will help TREMENDOUSLY with your situation.

First things first... my signature link below has a list of resources on abusive relationships. Breaking free of these dynamics while saving your marriage is incredibly difficult and self education is a MUST. I want to give you the short list of the things that REALLY catapulted my own recovery from abusive relationships:

Books:
Emotional Blackmail
Boundaries
Betrayal Bonds
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
The big red book from Adult Children of Alcoholics
Navigating Narcissistic Predicaments
Toxic Parents
Codependency No More
The Bible without question was pivotal

Alternative sources:
Parelli Natural Horsemanship
My own abuse thread is a collection of things that helped

Websites:
Out of the FOG
Luke 17:3 ministries
Adult Children of Alcoholics
How to heal Abandonment Heartbreak & Self Sabotage - Susan Anderson

Your mother's selfishness is ruthless.... and I was glad to see that you indeed do see the need to protect your own family from her. That is the right mindset, now you just need to MASTER that role. I also recommend individual counseling with someone who specializes in trauma recovery, PTSD and domestic violence. Trust me when I say your reactions and feelings towards your husband are HEAVILY based on your history with your mother, more than you realize at this point and a group like Adult Children of Alcoholics and or Celebrate Recovery or Codependents Anonymous will help you sort through the different emotions and become strategic about them alongside your individual counseling. You have a LOT of work ahead of you and the first thing you could do to reassure your husband that you hear him is to tell him that you fully intend to endeavor into getting stronger and healing from your mother's damage. Don't hold him hostage to your past. Your recovery belongs on you and you need to pick it up and run with it. And DO NOT apologize to anyone for your choice to recover :)

I'll be here cheering you on. :grin2:
 
#10 ·
I would have cut my mother down no matter where we were if she were rude to my husband like that. Sadly, it's people like your mom who have no problems with being rude in from of others and towards others. Your mom needs to be taken down in front of others and set straight, in order to learn to clam up! I understand where your husband feels hurt in this case. How would you feel the shoe was on the other foot? That's what I always do...think about how I'd feel if it were happening to me.

As for your H throwing it in your face that the house is his....I feel that's wrong. It may be because THAT is his only defense. Doesn't make it right, but that is all he has to fight with.

Call a mandatory talk with your H and lay it all out. Tell him you don't want to fight but rather have a heart to heart of what each of you expect from each other. Being on the same page is key!
 
#11 ·
Blossom Leigh gives good advice.

I'd only add to not be defensive when your H calls you out for not having his back. Acknowledge his feelings, let him know that's something you have to work on, but that it's not easy for you.

It's okay to be clear he 'owns' the house. It was given by his family. But it's not okay if he corrects you when you call it 'our home'. That is his insecurity showing. You need to let him know that when you call it 'our home' you do so as you feel supported by him and feel that you and the kids 'belong'. But when he corrects you, you feel alienated, like he is pushing you away.

Good luck, and you can do this.
 
#13 ·
Thank you so much, I talked to him in the past about how his always"reminding me" that the house is his makes me feel like an outsider. It's always put to me in a manner that he's done this for me and nothing I do or say can show my gratitude or repay him. But I see where he can feel that is his only defense.

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#14 ·
I have made numerous attempts at going to counseling together and it is usually met with him not wanting to let a stranger know about our lives, or it won't help and be a waste of money and, my personal favorite, he thinks the only reason I ask is because I think a counsellor would only prove me right when in fact he thinks they would only prove him right (confusing). In any case, I've explained to him that my suggesting therapy wasn't meant to seem like a weapon, but say that I am making worse by not acknowledging the full of affect of somethings? Don't you think it would be a good idea for someone on the outside looking in, who has no obligations to either of us, to tell me this and also give me the tools to do so? I think therapy would absolutely be beneficial.

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#15 ·
I figured you'd say that. So I'll tell you what finally worked for me. After decades of trying to get my H to go, he finally agreed when I was so fed up I was getting ready to move out. Hooray, I thought - finally he'll 'learn' and change. Uh, no. He went, said all the right things, came home, and did nothing. Time after time. Angry, I chewed out the therapist, why couldn't you get him to change? She just said, what makes you think you can make anyone else change but yourself?

She was right. So instead of focusing on what was wrong with him, spinning wheels trying to make him something he didn't want to be, I changed focus to where it belonged - on myself. And I started changing what I did, how I reacted, I fixed my side of the street and no longer got caught up with what he was doing.

I did what the therapist told me to do, and set up REAL boundaries and consequences for when he did something to hurt me or wouldn't see my side of something. And I let go of his responses. I suspect there's more to your problems than just this issue, so consider doing what I did. State your case, but don't stick around to argue your case. He's free to do and think what he wants, but you won't wrap yourself up in a pretzel to get his approval. And enforce consequences for boundaries overstepped. Respect yourself, and he will, too.
 
#17 ·
My husband, who I will refer to as Tom, and I have known each other since the 8th grade.

We have been together for 6 years, and married for almost 3 years. During this time things were made difficult by my family, more specific, my mother.

I have always had a strained relationship with her. Tom and his family have been the most wonderful people i have ever met. His grandmother gave us her house and Tom spent about 30 grand remodeling it for me and my 3 children (from a previous relationship).

The first couple of years of Tom and my relationship was filled with a lot of fighting, if it wasn't my ex creating chaos, it was my mother.

Before my relationship with Tom it wasn't abnormal for my mother and I to not speak to each other for a year or two, and at first I thought the main reason was because of my last relationship with the father of my children, he was controlling, violent and a drug and alcohol addict.

I had to have a get away in place to be able to leave him (the song Love the Way You Lie by Eminem makes me nauseated because of how it describes that relationship).

So when I had left that relationship I was really hopeful that I would be able to rebuild a relationship with my mother, and for my children to get to know their grandmother.


When Tom was around it seemed like my mother was jealous. I would often hear snide remarks from her.

I had kept hoping that she would eventually see how happy the kids and I were, and how much love was there. It only got worse and it was a reminder of why I couldn't have a relationship with her (to be short, growing up she had told me 'mommies don't hug and kiss their daughters, while watching her fawn over my brothers. Her husband at the time was abusive to my brother and I and I was molested by him for 7 years to which my mother blamed me for the end of her marriage to him).

Her treatment of Tom and myself caused many fights between he and I, and while I wanted nothing to do with her, I felt horribly guilty keeping my children from her since my children had come to love their grandma.

Tom's family has been nothing short of wonderful to my children and I.

They accepted us into their family with no hesitations, my children even call them Grandma and Grandpa. So it is really hurtful not just to my husband but me that my family looks so down on my husband and my marriage.

After my youngest son's birthday to which his family and mine attended,

I was appalled at my mother's refusal to even acknowledge my husband's family and some hurtful things that she had said before leaving so I had decided that enough was enough. I chose to cut all contact and ties with her. For a couple of years it had stayed this way. I had gotten a text from her informing me about the declining health of my grandfather and while it was extremely uncomfortable, I had decided to put differences aside to be there for my grandparents.

This decision made my husband upset, but I assured him that I wasn't doing this for her, but for my grandparents and that I wasn't going out of my way with her, I have no intention of reconciliation that would not only hurt me, but my children and husband. Last week I received a text from my brother asking me if I would be there for his graduation from the State Trooper Academy, my father, who I hadn't seen in 6-7 years would be there.

At first I had declined because my mother was going to be there and I didn't want to be where my family wasn't wanted. My father had never met Tom but had always expressed interest in meeting him. My father told me to ask Tom to come, forget about my mother, Tom could sit with him and they could piss her off together. Since my father was only in town for that day, I almost felt a sense of urgency.

I had desperately wanted my husband to meet someone from my family who would embrace him as his family has my children and I. So I talked about all of this with Tom, expressly stating that I would not be upset or disappointed if he decided that it wasn't a good idea, I would understand. To my surprise he said yes. The day of the graduation,

I could tell that he was as anxious and nervous as I, if not more. But I had it planned that we would ignore my mother and take our seats next toy father when we arrived. ....it did not work out that way.

I was told by my mother that we needed to be there by 8, so that's when we arrived. The ceremony didn't start until 10. And my father didn't show up until 10 minutes before the ceremony started.

So we stood there for 2 hours while my mother took pictures, at one point, my brother asked for a picture with my children, myself and Tom. While taking the pictures, I noticed that my mother had the camera angled so as to cut out as much of Tom as possible. My brother's fiance asked me if we would be able to go to lunch with the family after, to which I had politely declined.

I made up an excuse not wanting to air out dirty laundry per say, even though it appeared that my mother took no issue in doing so. During the ceremony my children wanted to sit with other family members who were around my mother and I reluctantly agreed because my children aren't around many of my family members often.

After the ceremony I went to retrieve my children to leave and I was approached by my mother asking me to go to lunch with them. I again declined and again because I didn't want to make a scene told her the same thing. A family member asked if the children could stay, and I reluctantly agreed. My mother then told me to tell Tom that he could go, he doesn't need me, they would get me home.

I bit my tongue hard to keep from saying anything, I instead left with my husband. The ride home was horrible. I felt so terrible because I had asked him to come with me and this was how he was treated. He was also, understandably, hurt by me. As he put it "if my family had treated you the way I was, I would have said something regardless of who was there".

To hear that he felt like I didn't have his back was very hard to hear. I spent the rest of the day apologizing. The next day, things were going very well for us. We had spent most of the day together and laughing. While cuddling on our couch he had told me how lucky he felt to have me as his wife.

Sunday night we had just finished watching GoT and I'm still not sure how it started, but we began fighting again. And again he had said how he felt like I didn't stand up for him. It quickly escalated into everything that has caused us to argue in the past. Jumping back to the past, when his grandmother gave us her house, I did not sign my name on the deed.

I felt that it was inappropriate because I had nothing to offer than my love and devotion. During this fight he once again reminded me that this house is his. Not ours. Tom is on disability and receives SSDI.

I work outside of the home. I have never rubbed in his face that I work and bring in more money because I think it's tacky and the only reason to say something like that is to hurt the other person and attempt to point out someone's place. However, I'm not given the same courtesy.

What I bring in, I call OURS, and while I could never do something for him so grand as was done for my kids and I, it feels like nothing I do is enough, or compares. I'm not sure if he does this out of guilt or to truly be hurtful, but it breaks me nonetheless. How do I compare?

How do I compete? How do I help him to understand that even though I can't give him something as grand as a house, I have never withheld from giving everything I had? That just because I didn't confront my mother in front of hundreds and other family doesn't mean that I didn't stand up for him after?

I have no one else to talk to but him because I have become so isolated, I have lost interest in maintaining friendships outside of work because I truly love coming home to my husband and children, and my diagnosis of fibromyalgia has just made things all the more difficult for me.

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Exactly how evil is your mother?
 
#20 ·
Good God Almighty, your mother didn't have a shred of decency. A police officer is sworn to protect the public - guess that doesn't include their own children. Not to mention she makes up the stupidest of stories. Imagination is not her strong suit. Write her off and be glad you can live a decent life.

Being the snot that I am, I would back her into a corner and demand that she explain why she offered you up to her husband and ask her why she thinks she has a right to even be in your life let alone your children's. Bare in mind that I don't have a problem with confrontation. Your mileage may vary. It's too bad that you couldn't confide in your father about that nightmare - he might have fixed the problem for you.
 
#21 ·
It was my father who I confided in. He immediately put me on the phone with a suicide hotline while he contacted the police. It was my father who got the investigation going, took me to the detectives to give a video statement. Child Protective Services was also contacted and they removed my brother and I for a week maybe 2, I can't remember exactly since there was soo much going on. We were eventually sent back to my mother since they couldn't prove that she knew what was going on during her marriage. As you can imagine, it was made pretty difficult for my father to keep in touch with me after that. I remember wondering over the months why I had never heard back from the detectives as I was told would happen. After a couple of months had gone by, I was able to call my father when she wasn't around and was told that the detectives had been trying to reach me, and that my mother was intervening. I guess telling detectives that I wasn't there when in fact I was. As of today, after confronting my mother on recent events I let her know that she was no longer welcome in the lives of my children. And I sat down this morning to let my kids know as well. That was very difficult because I know they love her, but it has only made me the more angry especially consoling my daughter while she sobbed into her hands. I hope that one day they will understand, but my father and his girlfriend love and adore them and so does my H's family. I hope that they one day understand that I did this out of love and to protect them.

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#22 ·
After my stepmother did a heinous thing to us regarding our daughter, and my dad took her side, I cut them both out of our lives. Up to that point, my DD25 had spent half her life around them, stayed with them all the time, until she was about 6. Then they were gone, out of our lives. She doesn't even remember them.
 
#23 ·
Lacey

Your mother is awful, she has no conscience to blame you for the abuse. Someone mentioned NOT to let your children around her, I agree 100%.

As far as your husband..... I see red flags with him. I hope I am so wrong....

How long have you two been married?
Why is he on SSDI?
How old is he?
What is his history?

I feel as if he is trying to keep you away from anyone but him... this is a method a lot of narcissistic personalities use...
Also, he said he home is his and his only....... big red flag.

You both need to go into counseling ASAP!

How are you dealing with the abuse? Most times, survivors of sexual abuse have poor boundaries or are (understandably) afraid to enforce those boundaries. We also tend to get involved in co-dependent dysfunctional relationships.
I feel you have three battles to fight and overcome (so sorry) one with yourself, your mother, and your husband... I hope I am wrong...
 
#24 ·
We have been married for almost 3 years, he is 28 and he is on disability for stasis migranosis and JRA.

I can see how it might seem as if he were trying to keep me away from everyone but him or his family, but I can promise that he doesn't. In fact, about 3-4 years ago we had gotten into an argument because I didn't really have many friends, please keep in mind that we've known each other since the 8th grade, and I was very social as a teenager. But there are 2 things that have happened to change me I guess is the way to put it. One, is when I became a mother I didn't realize just how much I would change, the world as I knew it came crashing down and my eyes were wide open. Being a mother has given me the opportunity to do things right by my children and essentially break the cycle that has been in my family. Two, I work as a Support Manager in retail, more specific, Walmart and the stories you hear on the internet are sadly true. When you are dealing with people and most of the time, not the brightest but the most entitled people for 11 hours a day.... I just don't care to people person. I've been asked by co-workers to go out and drink after work and I would just rather be home, curled up on the couch catching up on a show, reading a book and spending that time with my family.

There have been a couple of times where I have to gone out and there was protest or backlash from my H each time, just him asking how everything went and encouraging me to go out more.

My H is antisocial in a way, he is an only child and growing up he was sick often from the JRA. When he was a teenager, he was pretty social, did all the things normal teenage boys do. When he was 16 he took a part time job and when he turned 18 he followed his father into a career of fire protection. He was only able to work there for a year before the debilitating migraine hit. He was working on a building and in a harness about 30 stories up when he said it felt like someone hit him in the back of the head with a steel pipe. He went through round and round of testing, a gauntlet of medications to find something that would help. During this time period (this is a couple of years before he and I came together) he was so depressed and desperate for relief from the pain that a girlfriend at the time offered him cocaine and even crack. He actually tried them. He said the only that seemed to help was the cocaine, and immediately stopped when he had stolen his then girlfriend's credit card with the intent of buying more.
Later down the line, doctors were giving him Vicodin for the pain since nothing else was working, and the Vicodin has actually helped to dull it. To help with the nausea and vomiting and to help him to sleep he would smoke marijuana. Now, before I go any further, his smoking was never an issue because it was always used in a responsible manner and always kept away and hidden from my children. I fully believe that my state should make marijuana legal medicinally.
During the first 2 years of our relationship was a lot of stress, he had gotten 2 inguinal hernias i believe from remodeling the house and we had to fight doctors for 2 years to listen to him. We eventually had to go to a surgeon 3 hours away from home and beg him to do exploratory surgery. Because it had taken so long for him to receive treatment, he has since been dealing with gastric issues that sometimes resemble IBS, and we are currently having to fight doctors on this now because they won't go further than " increase your fiber, water (guys, this man carries a new jug of water with him daily, I've even witnessed him drinking from it in the shower!) and try laxatives". The issue he is having is mechanical, so imagine doing all of this, it's essentially like you have food poisoning minus the vomiting and you can't do anything about it but curl up in a ball and cry because the muscle or something is seemingly locked.
Anyways, he has bouts of depression, who wouldn't?! He doesn't really like to leave the house unless it's late at night and when he does go out he has to wear welders glasses (I've got him a couple of pairs that look like sunglasses) because the light and even noise spins his migraine out of control. On our anniversaries, he has surprised me by taking me out to dinner, and every once in awhile he'll want to go check out a new store in the area and do something outside of the house.
I think I mentioned before that I he stays home while I work. It's an arrangement that has never really bothered me, he's able to stay home and take care of the home front while I work and when I come home I help out with the household chores. I was raised that regardless of if you work or not, if you help contribute to the mess, you help to clean it up. He was raised differently, his father works outside of the home and his mother is a stay at home wife. He's never looked at me and said that I should be a stay at home wife (thank God! Because I'm horrible at it!) but where his biggest issue is and gotten better with time is that he's said that he doesn't feel like he's the husband or father he should be because he isn't working, in his words "I should be the one out there providing for my family". I found out that his father will often devalue my H's mother by telling her that she doesn't do anything since he works and she doesn't and everything else along those lines. I guess he had taken some of those words from his father and applied them to himself. It's taken quite a while to gain my H's trust that I wholeheartedly believe that just because he doesn't work doesn't make him any less of a man nor a bad husband or father. Being a stay at home is the hardest job, and often goes unrewarded.

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#25 ·
My apologies, it appears that my phone autocorrected one of my sentences and has changed the tone of it. It was supposed to read "There have been a couple of times where I have gone out and there wasn't protest or backlash..."

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#27 ·
He has started taking them again. But he had stopped for close to 2 years because one gastro refused to see him until he was off of the opioids. He did it in case they were right, and he was in a lot of pain and miserable during that time. And being off of the pain meds did not change anything. It reminded the same. We have tried COUNTLESS things. Diet, herbs, fluids, laxatives, softeners, pills, powders and nothing. There is no rhyme or reason to it. He will struggle for weeks and then something finally happens, and then it's back to the same old misery. I've received countless texts from him that were emotionally gut wrenching and heartbreaking, all I can do is be as supportive and understanding as I can. He never spends less than an hour and a half in the bathroom but mostly, he's in there for up to 6 hours. We've recently gone as far as replacing all toilets in the house to taller ones and there seems to be a slight relief. We also have this thing called the Squatty Potty. It's basically like a step stool that you place your feet on to bring your legs and knees higher up.

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#28 ·
My brother suffered for years with Blockage. Finally a surgeon went in to take he's gallbladder out using a tec that used a thin cord with a cam. What should have been an hour tops turned into six hours due to scars and small tears in his bowel. He had great gold plated insurance yet spent close to twenty years not knowing what was really going on.

Be a she wolf guarding your husband's back. Become strong dealing with your mother, she is toxic. How is your dad and your brother? I suggest in addition to therapy you make plain you where wrong to let the children be with her. Discuss who if any of your family be allowed around your family. To those that are allowed, make clear your mother is never to be where you are.

Finally next time his dad demeans his mother or him, make clear to your husband you think his dad is being an ass.

Finally I think your husband is lashing out at you out of fear and feelings of worthlessness. Having said that - so what there is no free pass on this abuse or adultery. He either fixes it or you leave. Knowing the why is only the first step.
 
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#30 ·
Since posting on this forum, I have been reading through other threads and have actually been able to gain a lot of insight. After about 2 days of the emotional and angry arguing back and forth, we have been able to get to where we have been talking calmly. The advice here and looking through other threads has really helped to do that because I feel like I have found some tools to better communicate with him. It's made a world of a difference. I don't think either one of us have this connected emotionally and mentally for quite some time and it appears that my creating boundaries and then eventually blurring them was the disconnect. I'm not sure about what family I will allow around my children, because I'm not sure where they stand. That will take some time to figure out.

My father and I have always maintained a somewhat distant relationship, be it by actual distance (we live 7 hours apart) or emotionally. He has his own demons and his childhood was much worse than mine that has led to his distrust of women. He's been working on it so hard throughout the years but even with the physical distance I feel closer to my father than I ever have. My brother, I'm not too sure. He doesn't really open up, but he is doing great it appears. He went into the Army Reserve to go to college, his unit was called up to go to the middle East and even though he didn't really see any action because he was stationed in Kuwait, he came back kind of angry, but he appears to be doing better since then. He graduated from college and just graduated from the academy and now he's a state trooper who begin his first assignment next month in a border town near Mexico.
I'm glad you said that my H may be lording the house out of fear and worthlessness because it really opened my eyes and memory to everytime he would say that there was always something extremely stressful going on that would make him question himself in personal aspects. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely stand up for myself and I bite my tongue from stooping to his Father's level to say that the house may be his, but if it weren't for me, either he would have to sell it or have his parents help him financially since $800 a month from SSDI isn't nearly enough for all of the bills, even the property taxes. He knows all this.

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#54 ·
...but if it weren't for me, either he would have to sell it or have his parents help him financially since $800 a month from SSDI isn't nearly enough for all of the bills, even the property taxes. He knows all this.
Yeah, I kinda knew this before I even got to this post.
 
#31 ·
A little update, this actually has me appalled and honestly I shouldn't even be surprised.

I got an alert from Facebook that I was tagged in a new photo. I didn't really think too much of it because since my brother's graduation ceremony last week I had been getting tagged in quite a few from the event.

Going back to last Friday, my brother's fiance asked that my family take a group photo with my brother and at first my H stood to the side, but my brother's fiance asked him to get in the picture as well. I was very happy that she did because in that moment my husband seemed a little happy. While she was directly in front of us taking the photo, I noticed my mother off to the side taking a picture as well, but I also noticed the angle at which she took it; to cut out as much of my H as possible.

Back to this photo I was tagged in, my youngest brother posted a group photo with the caption "my mom asked me to put everyone somewhere" the photo is the one my brother's fiance took, I'm sure every photo she took was also sent to my mother (I'm sure my mother asked for every photo taken since it was a huge event). The photo looked pretty off, so I asked my younger brother in the comments if he could send me the original photo, he said my mom has it. Almost immediately after his reply my spam email received 6 additional photos from my mother, including the original that I asked for. I'm attaching both photos here.

I realize that there's no question put to this rambling post. I guess I just feel like I needed to vent about it.



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