Rainbow_Dazed

Hi all,

I've wrote about my relationship in the "Considering separation" sub-forum. We've been in a therapy for a long time and in our final session agreed to take a relationship-vacation (= to remove all the stuff from our relationship which at the moment does not feel right or good). To me sleeping in the same bed has been difficult because I want to get close and at the time my partner can't respond to that (in the traditional active/withdrawing pattern I'm the active one and she's withdrawing).

During this relationship-vacation I've realized how good it feels to have your own room and own space. I feel much more at peace with being alone in bed than being physically close to someone that I'm million miles away from emotionally.

So, I was thinking about continuing this sleeping in separate rooms. To me it feels right at the moment and I'm hoping that by taking more distance we might get a chance to get closer again - that we could sleep together when we both truly want to be close, not because it's just a tradition to share a bed.

My partner hasn't been happy about this. She thinks that I am making decisions alone without talking with her and that I can't do a decision like this alone. I on other hand think that forcing someone to be close to you even if it hurts them emotionally is abusive and I don't think anyone has a right to demand someone to sleep with them; that is something that has to come out of free will. I understand that she feels sad about losing the hobby room and I'm hoping this to be a temporary arrangement, but at the same time I'm quite pissed that she values the hobby room more than my emotions and wellbeing.

My question is - has anyone tried an approach like this? How did it work out?

Trying2figureitout

Can't see how that would help unless there is serious snoring involved...as for getting closer no chance.

TRy

If you want to end the marriage just keep doing what you are doing. As for me, your actions would be a deal breaker if I were your spouse. I would detach my feelings from you as best as I could ASAP so that I could better move on with my life without you.

You are the poster and yet I feel for your wife and not you after reading only your side of things.

that_girl

Yes and no.

I get what the OP is saying, but...if closeness is what the OP wants, this won't get it. Communication will help though.

__________________

Rainbow_Dazed

Thanks for the replies, you all. I'll have to discuss this issue at our MC next time we go (in three weeks).

We've talked about our intimacy issues at therapy for a long time, and we have tried to learn new communication skills. I feel we've made progress, but every time we've taken a break from therapy (two breaks so far), I feel that she reverts back to what things was before and puts lots less effort in our relationship.

When we talk about our relationship, she - in a figure of speech - curls up, cries and says she's so sorry (both at home and at therapy). It just breaks my heart, but at the same time it enforces the feeling I have at the moment that she is not currently capable of being a 100% partner in a relationship. She has been on a sick leave for the last 3 weeks because of burn-out and is seeing a psychiatrist next tuesday. I hope that she gets the help she needs. But, I'm feeling that it'll take her years of hard work to get herself together. At the time I think I'm willing to wait for her, but:

a) not if she does not work 100% on getting better and
b) for the time she's not able to put her 100% to this relationship, our relationship should be on partial hold. We can still sleep together when we both want to, go on dates and spent good time together. But it can't be one giving 100% and the other giving 20%. I'm ok with there being in-balance from time to time, but in my eyes most of the time both should be on the receiving side, as well as on the giving side. For the past years (after the birth of our child) I feel like I've been giving a lot more than receiving.

I am still unsure about my thoughts and the replies I've gotten in this thread has made me even more unsure. I'll have to bring all this up at MC and reflect these thoughts with the help of the councelor.

Thanks all!

EDIT: I thought I'd add that I'm a prepared to accept that our relationship might end up in a divorce. At the moment I feel that's where it is heading if nothing changes.

In my eyes sleeping in separate bedrooms at best gives us more time to sort our relationship out and gives a few more (hopefully peaceful) years to our relationship. I feel that to be important because our child would be a bit older then and also we'd have time to save up enough money to separate well (without it causing too much burden to either).

mark40

Thank you

Good post

I like your post.

Thats good....

Trying2figureitout

RD...

Why not try the Celibacy tactic I used?

Ditch the therapists as they cost money... therapy makes it obvious there is a serious problem... have to work both sides.

Take mattes in YOUR own hands..

Tell your wife that you know you failed her at some point that you are sorry that you made those mistakes and that you learned from them AND tell her that you are on a journey to become a better man. Tell her you want to take SEX off the the table for 6-months while YOU work on that journey. Tell her that you are not gong to be afraid to share your feelings throughout this celibacy period. Tell her this is a one-time period that you want to help save your marriage and become a better spouse in the process and that you fully expect to have a satisfying relationship with her including sexually afterwards at some point when you become that better man for her. Let her know its your final attempt at staying in this marriage and that afterward you will either be closer or farther apart but that you will not go back to the way the marriage has been. Ask for her approval on the plan.

In my case this worked WONDERS. It was like night and day.
I ended up SHOCKING my wife one month into it. MY wife is back after two years "missing"

You might have to go the 6-months but in the meantime you work on your relationship non-sexually even if she comes on to you resist. Get back in YOUR bed,

Your wife is a mess DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT change the dynamics.

This plan gave me great satisfaction as it was a PLAN and my wife AGREED to it. I returned to my old self and confidence grew that we were going to fix this. Yes the celibacy is hard but it sent a STRONG signal to my wife that I was serious about fixing our marriage put a timeline in HER head. She could see I loved her so much that I shelved my #1 need. It worked.

Dedicated2Her

There is really no way any of us can advise you based upon the info we have. All I can say, is that distance within the home can help resentment to be let go. The entire deal is for both of you to become new people and start to develop a new relationship. You cannot do this while you are having sex with each other. Read, read, read. Develop yourself and work on you. Hopefully, she does her job and you can come back together. There is no quick fix. Good luck, this will test you.
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Rainbow_Dazed

Thank you all again for the replies. Dedicated2Her - your reply really spoke to me. I know that I have to make the decision myself and only I know all the info. What worries me is that the facts are still clouded by my own abilities to see and understand things, and I am unsure of my capabilities of improving my relationship. But that is why I value our therapy. We have a very good and clear-headed councelor. She doesn't get spooked when one of us (=so far has been me) loses her temper and says "that's just stupid/you can't be serious" or disagrees with her. She really has a clear focus and her belief in our relationship has given me much faith aswell.

Trying2figureitout: Thank you for the reply. I have read the threads you have started and you have my best wishes on fixing your relationship. Based on my experience on our relationship, my partner and on my own expectations on a relationship I do not think that would work on our relationship.

I understand that most people married to a woman are men, but not all. My gender is female aswell and maybe that is part of why I am rather looking for a partner who is equal in a relationship than someone who wants an alpha to lead her in a relationship. If we both can't bring our own 100% in this relationship out of our free will and dedication, then this relationship is not going to work.

I have my concerns that sexual orientation is part of our problems. In the past she has expressed that she misses being with a man, because sex was lot more simple then.

After writing this post I have found some more focus. I will bring this thoughts up at MC and see what happens. Thank you all who have replied so far. If someone has at some point of their relationship slept at separate bedrooms, I'd love to hear experiences.

chattycathy

The marital bed is one of the most powerful parts of marriage, sex happening or not. It is where you spend one third of your life.
I vote stay in the bed unless you actually separate to different homes.

Dedicated2Her

Rainbow---at some point, you have to find a way to make your emotions or feelings subservient to a "baseline" of decisions based upon your goals or ethical view of what you want. The "clouding" you speak of is your own "self" battling against you because we are all inherently selfish. It makes us a slave to our emotions or feelings. The ability to start to react or act from a belief system in which the feelings and emotions follow is paramount to not only fixing your relationship, but also finding true happiness in life. When you become happy regardless of exterior relationships or circumstances, it changes the environment around you.

michzz

I finally moved into an apartment last night myself. It's 50 miles away from "home."

I see it as a freeing thing to not share a bed anymore!

We have to sell our house and figure out where our grown son will live. The wife keeps up the fiction that were both moving into the apt. But we're not.

Once the house sells, debts paid, we will part for good.

I finally got the gumption to do this by formally refusing to have relations with her after fighting with her yet again about how my intimacy is regarded as sexless in a marriage.

If I'd had a spare bedroom I'd have moved into it that day back in February.

To tie this back to the original question, no, it does not promote intimacy to leave the marital bed.

Hallelujah!
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Rainbow_Dazed

Thanks again for all the replies. It is clear to me that many people concider sleeping in the same bed or bedroom an essential and powerful part of marriage. That gives me more insight on how my partner might be feeling on this issue. That's something I need to concider when making a decision.

Dedicated2Her: I partially agree with you, though I guess my approach is a bit more "jungian." I concider the doubt in me be caused by being aware ones "shadow." I know that I can not be fully aware of myself and my agendas, because some of them are hidden always to me. In 20 years I might posses more insight on myself to be able to make a more un-clouded choice, but right now I am fairly sure there's much in me that is unkown to me. If my relationship affected only me and my partner, I'd feel more at ease going with what my goals and ethical views are. But for me us having a child makes these decisions so much more harder.

I don't think that we can ever be fully aware of the motives behind our actions, or that we'd know for sure what choice leads to best results when making big choices (like the ones that involve human relationships). Best we can do is make an educated quess based on the best information we have available about ourselves and the situation at hand, and about the possibilities of each different choice we have. Only time will tell (and even that won't fully tell) if we made a good choice.

At the same time I still feel I need more time to reflect this choice and seek advice from people with more experience or professional skills to offer insight.