Why is husband keeping secrets?
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Old 12-24-2008, 11:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why is husband keeping secrets?

My H and I are in our mid 50s and have been married for 8 years. He tells me everyday that he loves me. He is hard working, helps with the housework and always home. Our sex life is wonderful. My problem is he is very uncomfortable talking about any conflict we may have. Rather than discuss his private feelings he will just start packing to leave me. Then I cry and beg him not to. He stays and things are fine as long as I don't mention the issue again. Recently I discovered he had secret e-mail addresses. He also had registered with web sites as unmarried and corresponded with other females online. For several months there have been a strange pattern of cell phone calls on his phone. No caller ID and always on his lunch or on his way home from work. Never while he is home. When I questioned him about these things he started to pack to leave me again. I begged him to talk to me. Go to counseling with me. That we could work out any problem we may have together. He just said he doesn't talk to anyone about his feelings and he felt that I was invading his privacy. He said he has never been unfaithful to me. He did not leave and that has been almost a month ago. I haven't said anything else about it and he acts as if it never happened. I am so upset but I don't show it to him. I am so afraid he is talking to other women. But even more, I'm not able to tell my husband about things that upset me or he will leave. I don't know what to do.
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Old 12-24-2008, 11:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Old 12-24-2008, 12:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is husband keeping secrets?

LucyInSC-

By packing his bags whenever you question him, what your husband is doing is giving you an ultimatum. Without using words, he is saying, if you question me I will go. By begging him to stay, you are showing that you are backing down. Notice how he always calls it off once you beg.

If you did not beg him to stay, you would get an interesting result. But it could be high risk - he may take your bluff and raise you. In other words, he might move out and who knows how long he would be gone, or if he would ever come back? Or he may back down and stay, but go into a sulk. So I can't advise you as to what to do. I am only mapping out the dynamics as I see them - and I could even be wrong. But it looks like he sees you as weak and easy to manipulate. I bet he does truly love you too, but he wants to have his cake and eat it...

As for what he is doing online, he may just be titillating himself, or it may be more. Is it possible he craves something harmless but kinky?
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Last edited by MarkTwain; 12-24-2008 at 12:38 PM.
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Old 12-24-2008, 01:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is husband keeping secrets?

Mark, I appreciate so much you responding to my thread. Without giving advice you have accurately laid out my scenario. In every other aspect of my life I am a strong willed person. I have often considered letting him go the next time the bags come out. But my fear is so great of losing him that I can't. Like you said, that comes with risk. You are probably right that my husband sees his behavior as harmless as long as he is physically faithful to me. I wonder if I can (or even if I should) ignore this. How likely is it to escalate from online, to phone calls, then to actually meeting someone? I am trying to be more physically attentive to him and less inhibited hoping he won't feel the need to do this.
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Old 12-25-2008, 03:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is husband keeping secrets?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyInSC View Post
Mark, I appreciate so much you responding to my thread. Without giving advice you have accurately laid out my scenario.
Yes, this is the new improved me I decided to stop giving advice from the point of view of what "I would do", because I realized that I was projecting myself into situations described in threads like yours, feeling the discomfort, and then saying what I would do to "fix" the situation. But you are not me, so it may not be helpful. What I feel is helpful, is to help people view things from a wider perspective so that they can "see" their way forward.

Awareness is key.

So if by ignore, you mean pretend you're not seeing it, that would represent a contraction of awareness. If by ignore you mean, access it quietly over a longer period of time with eyes fully open, that is different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LucyInSC View Post
I am trying to be more physically attentive to him and less inhibited hoping he won't feel the need to do this.
If this represents a change of tack for you, then you will need time to access the effect.

Some men can find sex very fulfilling in a wholesome way, but have another segment - a kink if you will - that they crave to be able to indulge in every now and then, but feel it is out of the question discussing it with their wife. Or sometimes they do but they get a horrified look or comment,and decide to keep that part of themselves secret from then on.
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Old 01-08-2009, 10:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Question Re: Why is husband keeping secrets?

Not sure if anyone will find this update to my old post but I wanted to share how this is unfolding. I did tell my husband that the next time he wants to leave me I won't be stopping him. His only comment was "you know I will go". He gave me an explanation for the phone calls. He said that he contacted a head hunter about finding another job and the calls were from them. I asked him why he didn't tell me about that, he said that he might consider taking a job in another location. It doesn't seem logical to me that a head hunter would call someone twice a day for three months. However whoever he was/is talking to, it is obvious to me that he was/is making plans to leave me. I say "was" because now I am seeing a big change in him. He is acting differently towards me. More committed, more intimate, less secretive. (However he still won't talk about what was going on before) He seems happy. I am happy. Except for I can't seem to stop wanting to know what he was up to. Since Caller ID was blocked on the calls (they were always incoming) Alltel won't tell me the phone number. I want to just put this behind us and enjoy that things are better. But in order to trust him again, I need to know the whole picture. HELP!
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Old 08-16-2011, 02:03 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is husband keeping secrets?

Lucy, reading your post hit home hard because my husband is secretive and doesn't talk about his feelings at all. I've tried countless different approaches to encourage him to open up. I am curious to know how you discovered other email addresses. I suspect and have strong feeling my husband is talking with another woman. I've caught him in lies and each time he tells me he doesn't know why he lies and that he has an issue with confrontation. these secrets are harming the trust in our marriage. I am at a loss and want to save my marriage but that will take both of us to make it work, and not me doing all the work.
I pray for you and that things work out.

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Old 08-16-2011, 02:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why is husband keeping secrets?

This OP is long gone. The thread is nearly 3 years old.
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