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Leaving me because of sex..

12K views 162 replies 43 participants last post by  citygirl4344 
#1 · (Edited)
My wife of 20 months told me yesterday she was leaving me and filing for divorce because I was not attentive enough to her sexually. This is something that is a common topic here, but mine has a bit different twist. She is 33 and I am 56. That is a huge age gap. But this is something we knew, obviously, going into this. Our marriage has been overall good - except for this one, very important area. She is a pretty woman, a size 2, healthy for the most part and I have no issue with my attraction to her. When we do have sex, it is satisfying for both of us. I am in very good physical shape and keep fit and she appreciates that. We have no children together - I had a vasectomy so we are not having children. She has a 12 year old who lives with us from her first marriage. My kid is nearly 30 and lives away.
As much as I enjoy sex, my abilities have diminished with age. I have been to a specialist who says my blood levels are normal and I do take medicine for the ED issues that are common among men my age. We average about twice a week, although I know she would like more. I feel I am doing my best. We both work long hours (me most days 11 - 12 hours - her 8- 9 hours) and I am exhausted when I get home. What does the community here think about ending an otherwise good marriage based on sexual frequency?
 
#2 ·
My ex was around that age when our marriage went south, and our first child was very difficult (she suffered post partum depression continuously), she chose to have a tubal ligation against my stance on the subject (I still fully supported her in her decision). In less than 2 years after divorce (a quick amicable divorce at that) she was remarried, to a man of her preferred skin color and had had her tubal reversed and was pregnant. I would not be surprised if your W's hasty choices are being largely influenced by her biological clock, she is looking to bring new life into the world and has it in her head the only way to reasonably do so is to leave you and try all over with someone new and potent, and whom she can rationalize as some sort of an upgrade in her mind. It has nothing to do with you, it is your W who has chosen this path for herself unilaterally so there is no point kicking yourself or feeling inadequate because your STBXW is the one acting impulsively and without regard for long term consequences. At least you have invested less than 2 years on her, fwiw, better to find this out now than much later.
 
#3 ·
It might be more to do with sexy than sex. Honestly a 56 year old man is not very appealing to a 30 something woman usually. She is young, pretty and petite she knows she can do better.

Why did you marry a woman so much younger? Sorry but you were headed for disaster from day one. Might have been better to just have a FWB thing with her but marriage was not the best idea.
 
#4 ·
OP,
Going forward you must recognize the difference in maturity levels at the different ages. She may have seen you initially as a secure, stable choice for her and her daughter. Upon further reflection she now sees that the sexual aspect was more important to her than stability and security, unless, of course, she is planning to try and take you for all she can, which may have been her plan all along.

It seems unlikely that she would leave you for lack of sexual activity when things average twice weekly, especially considering she was fully aware going in and for the time you two were "dating" and if all other areas of the marriage are amicable. One would think that she could easily "self administer" once or twice more a week and be satiated. It seems more likely that she either no longer sees you as necessary for security and stability (another man possibly?) or she had planned to try and fleece you all along.

I feel most sorry for her daughter, what a lesson she is learning from this woman. And to have a step dad for 20 months and then not. She is offering her daughter little in the way of permanence. Regrettable.
 
#5 ·
How was the frequency before you got married, and was it limited by opportunity to see each other, or not? Was there a change afterwards? There may be other issues here, but IMO, sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to end a marriage.
 
#6 ·
Ugh. You have what some of us can only dream/fantasize about. Do you need to work 11-12 hours a day? If not, work two hours less, then go bang your wife.

Ok, the proper TAM response is " You two are not sexually compatible. It is best for both of you to divorce". (Now I have to go flog myself for saying that.)

You did not say if your problem was getting an erection more than twice a week or if you are just physically tired and not wanting to have sex. There is a BIG difference between the two. No doubt you are tired after working 11-12 hours a day. Well, at least you have your priorities straight. Work over sex.

BTW are you "THE" Truthseeker?
 
#7 ·
Many times, the excuse of sexual incompatibility in a marriage is just that - an excuse. Those are generally things that are fixable. So if this has been an issue for any sort of time period during your marriage and you weren't totally blindsided by it, then clearly there wasn't much fixing going on.

However, if you were blindsided by it, and generally didn't know there was a sexual incompatibility issue, then there's most definitely something else at the heart of this. Whether it be she's got somebody on the side, or she simply isn't attracted to you, or there's other marriage-related issues going on. Thus making the sexual side of things the scapegoat.

Many 33 year old women are in their so-called "sexual prime". This has been debunked often enough and it makes many people roll their eyes, but I believe there's some truth to it. Honestly, I believe men are the same. For those men and women to whom sex is important, you are now realizing that finding a partner to settle down with (ostensibly forever) should also include one who is sexually compatible with you.

The irony about the age thing is that your wife may actually be perfectly fine with twice a week - if she were married to a man her age. My wife (same age as me) is happy with once a week, but she knows I WANT more. There's something to be said about knowing one is desired by their partner. If I showed little to no sexual interest in my wife - despite her being LD and sex not being a huge issue for her - she'd make it one, subconsciously. She'd notice the lack of interest and desire in her in due time, and she'd likely bring it up to me.

If it so happens that your wife knows twice a week is all you can muster, then that'll affect how she views you, unfortunately, as you are not showing her that desire. If she knows that's basically the max, and the likelihood that it'll probably trend downwards over time, then that's not good.
 
#8 ·
Twice a week isn't too bad. Especially since you say it's good.
She either has a new man, means to fleece you, or has just fallen out of love. Thing is, once their mind is made up, there's no since worrying about it. You did mess up marrying a woman so young, but whatever. It's not important now.
What is important is that you protect yourself and accept that she's gone. Try to be happy for the time you had with her, try to look forward, and realize that it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do but accept it.
Sorry. It happens.
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#9 ·
She said you weren't "attentive" enough, so is she talking about quality or quantity?

You both work long hours, so I'm wondering are you guys making time for proper intimacy & foreplay?

Did she say anything else?

It's unusual for a spouse to divorce from a stable marriage just because of quantity of sex. Considering it is happening frequently.

How many times before has she brought up this issue?
Is there any other issues that are causing concern for a divorce?



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#10 ·
She said you weren't "attentive" enough, so is she talking about quality or quantity?
This. I know for me that the times per week discussions that happen on here leave me baffled. We certainly have what we jokingly call maintenance sex. But for me, what really makes sex good is when he is all INTO me. When he looks at me with hunger. When I am all INTO him. When I can make him go raaaaawwwr. Frankly, this does not happen all the time. But when it does, it is so damned awesome and special.
 
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#11 ·
Guys/gals why is OP being blamed for marrying a much younger woman?

So you think age is not a factor? That's ridiculous. Surely you see the multitude of problems associated with being 20yrs older than one's spouse!!!!?????

I mean, as a woman, I've never had a thing for older guys. But his wife knew what he looked like and knew how old he was; so it's not like he deceived her . . .right?

And what's with the automatic assumption that his wife is some cold-hearted golddigger? She might be horny and restless and frustrated.

She might be, but the fact that she married a guy 20 years older, and 2 years later divorces him due to a lack of sex-- I think that's a good indicator of ulterior motives.


I hope I'm right and this is just a matter of them making some adjustments.:confused::confused:
She's said she wants a divorce. You think she's going to change her mind with some "minor adjustments?"
I personally don't think so. I hope you're right.

Question for OP: do you make many times more money than she does? Say, 5 times as much or more?
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#13 ·
I have an older hb, so I could probably add something to this discussion.

But I'm not going to until OP comes back.

All I'm going to say right now is that men are advised to leave over sexual incompatibility all the time.

23 years is a big gap and a big risk..... there was always the possibility that she'd decide is wasn't working for her. Who's really getting the better end of the deal here?

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#17 ·
I have a question unrelated to your sex life.

You work a lot of hours and are tired most of the time.

So how much quality time do the two of you spend together? Just the two of you. Doing things that you both enjoy?

What do the two of you do with your time when you are not at work?
 
#41 ·
Sexual incompatibility can be a huge problem in a marriage, often an insurmountable one. It may actually be best for you to be divorced.

I expect she got married thinking that the sex would become more frequent and varied once you settled in. You got married thinking it would become less frequent once you settled in. You started out barely compatible and drifted further away.

No one's fault, just two people taking an overly positive view due to love.


There is a huge range in what people expect in a marriage. You say
"I can try to be more creative in the bedroom (oral, etc.)" which suggests you put oral in the category of "creative". That is fine and one common view, but to others oral is one of the most basic sexual activities, and "creative" involves handcuffs, feathers, costumes, sex toys, whips, strapons etc.

The physical limitations of age may not be the issue, but rather that you have very different ideas of what constitutes exciting sex.

Have you offered to do what she wants in bed, give her oral when she wants (if she wants it ) etc. You don't NEED to do that, but she also has a right to leave if she is unhappy.


This might be way of the mark - I only know the little that you have posted here.
 
#22 ·
Yes, she said are marriage was good otherwise too. I have asked her to try to focus on the sexual compatibility issues alone and try to work through that. But she is very upset and feels frustrated. Irony is when I was younger (in my 30's and 40's), I had a very high sex drive but no steady partners. Now I have one and these issues.
One thing I should add. I have been on an antidepressant notorious for reducing sex drive an SSRI called Celexa. She knows this obviously. I want to quit taking it but worry about the depression returning.
 
#24 ·
We do alot of things together when we are not working. We like the outdoors, work out together when we can, go to the city, see a movie together, or just talk. This is why I know the main issue driving us apart is sex. But as I posted earlier, the SSRI may be a huge factor.
 
#26 ·
You have been given very good advice.

Some of the advice raises the hair on "your" neck....I hope.

I hope the possibility of her marrying you to get a good settlement are not true.

I hope the possibility of her marrying you was not done "on a whim". She was swimming in rough water and she landed on your island....but never was going to stay....really selfish if true.

I hope she does not have someone on the side, in reality, in a fantasy ....or one that she can sees a better future with. @EllisReading mentioned buyers remorse...good point.



Oh....this is important, she said she is divorcing you because the sex is not satisfactory? How cruel. What an ingrate. That is the lowest blow a women can deliver to a man.

This MAY BE the reason. But for her to verbalize it is nasty.....she is nasty. Sorry.

If she wants to end the marriage there are many "other" respectful reasons that she could state. No, she uttered "that" from twisted lips, mimicking her twisted cruel mind. She is an immature Twit.

One would HOPE that is why she married you, that she is immature...does not think things through....and NOT that she is underhanded. I suspect that others in her circle of friends and relatives pushed her into divorcing. They likely said this to her face-------> WTF are/where you thinking? This marriage was doomed from the start. Peer pressure is a strong wind.

Her first SO let her drift away.. I can see why. Flaky she be.

You took a BIG gamble in marrying her. A gamble that "most" people would say is "unwise" and fraught with future problems.

That said.....you TOO are immature in thinking that this was a wise move.... marrying her.

Enjoy the memories that you had with her.

She wants to be in your rearview mirror. Drive on.
 
#28 ·
Oh....this is important, she said she is divorcing you because the sex is not satisfactory? How cruel. What an ingrate. That is the lowest blow a women can deliver to a man.
I disagree that she's cruel or an ingrate.

Ingrate means that he's doing something extra ordinary for her and she does not appreciate it. Well he's done nothing extraordinary.

Cruel? Not really. They are apparently sexually incompatible. She told him that he is not meeting her sexual needs. What's wrong with telling the truth?

Better that she tell the truth and get out of the marriage than she not tell the truth and leave him with no idea of what went wrong.
 
#70 ·
If you're at work before 4am then you must be waking up around 3am? In that case you're in bed asleep by 7pm?

That doesn't leave much evening time for a mother with a 12yo to be with her husband. If you're fitting in with their schedule and doing a "normal" bedtime then getting up at 3am it's no wonder you're low on energy and tired all the time.

No AD or gym is going to make up for just a couple of hours sleep a night, especially at 56.
 
#33 ·
Oh come on, sexual incompatibility is a perfectly good reason to end a marriage.

I've seen plenty of HD men here on TAM being told that if their wife will not meet his need and increase their sex life, that he should leave her because they are sexually incompatible.
 
#32 ·
I don't think she is cruel either, Ele Girl, just frustrated. She has not filed the papers yet. But it still stings, of course. Biologically, us men are drawn to younger women - its just how we are wired. But as many have said, I also need to think with the right "head". But I saw other things in her when we met that transcended age and sex.
 
#37 ·
Of course it stings. But just like men seem to biologically drawn to younger women, young women with a high sex drive are, in the end, not drawn to older guys with lower sex drives. It goes both ways. This is reality.

It's why a lot of older women who still have a good/high sex drive are drawn to younger men. And today, since a lot has changed socially, older women can now go for the younger men. And yes there are younger men who like older women.

But, just like the older man & younger woman often does not work over the long run, older woman and younger man usually does not work over the long run. Not in today's world in which people have more choices and can leave a marriage easily when their sexual needs are not met.
 
#34 ·
Her first husband married her at 19 and she had a child at 21. He was about 25. From what I have been told, he had no interest in her after a year or two, and little interest in their child. She lived in Russia. She divorced him after he said he wanted nothing to do with either of them and moved to the United States.
 
#90 · (Edited)
During your relationship with her, has her US residency or citizenship been a factor in any way? A la you are not just her green card are you? 20 months is a very short period of time to change your mind under normal relationship circumstances...

edit: disregard I see you addressed this subject on page 5, her citizenship was not in question.
 
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