Join Date: Aug 2011
| | thinking of separating, cant seem to take the plunge, help
hi there. i have little support elsewhere so thought i'd get support and advice here. i'm 34, been with my man for the last 7 years, on and off. he's in his late 30's with 3 kids and a hateful exwife. i'll just give you my story and take the abuse i'm about to get. when i first moved back to this small town 7 years ago, i knew hardly anyone and was young and insecure. i met up with an old childhood friend and we went out with her older brother for a night. well, that night changed my life. i knew the brother was married because i'd known the family for 15-20 years. i'd always had a crush on him but he was a few years older. i was excited to go out but felt it wasnt a good idea at the same time.
well, he was expressing interest in me from the beginning and i'd known from his sister that he had been cheating on his wife for years. according to what i'd heard from him, she got pregnant when they were really young and he married her to do the right thing. except he didnt keep the right thing up, because down the line he's resentful and going out and doing his own thing. well, turned into 10 years and two more kids later, and he meets me. he told me then that he wanted to pursue things with me but his hands were tied and he had a baby at home. even though he wasnt happy with his marriage, he didnt feel right ending it. well he ended up pursuing me heavily anyway, sent me roses at work, cards, gifts, wined and dined me. no one had ever done this for me before and i was enjoying the attention i wasnt used to getting. still, it didnt feel right and i tried to end it many times. i would cry and scream at myself for the hurt and pain i had caused, then he would call, and i'd pick up the phone and the relationship would start all over again. he had moved out and lived with me less than a year into it, and i would leave and get my own apartment on more than one occasion. i moved in with my mom a few times, and rented a room once to get away. it never worked, i always came crying back to him. i never had the strength.
fast forward 7 years to today. his exwife hates me but has long since moved on with her own life. he pays an arm and a leg in child support and gets his kids almost half the time. we are still living together. i get along with the kids very well. i know that from this post, it sounds like he and i are horrible, horrible people. despite what you think, we are actually good people. we were both very selfish and vulnerable at the time. i believe he was going through a midlife crisis in a way, and i'm just a loser who takes things as they come. that doesnt mean that we are evil people. just two stupid people who didnt have the strength or courage to do the right thing. when he left his wife, he thought he was setting her free to someone who would love her the right way and i also gave him that advice. looking back, i would have said "Go home to your wife and make it work. Leave me out of it!" I wish I could go back and redo my life in so many ways. but this particular mistake, has caused so much destruction and pain to me, him, and everyone. i've gone into a depression about it and gone to counseling. nothing has helped. i think he regrets his divorce in a way too. not so much leaving the wife, but leaving his kids and the destruction of their family unit and finances. he has also battled depression and thoughts of suicide. he knows he would never do it because of his kids, but that is the depth of pain we have felt. i cant express to you the regret we have both felt over the years. but now, this is all in the past.
at this point, it has been many years and we dont even talk about this past anymore. we are focused on now and our current relationship, even though the past will sometimes come up to bite us in our relationship. i love him but i cant seem to get it out of my head that i need to leave. it still eats away at me. i cant sleep in the middle of the night because i have depression and anxiety that i have wasted so many of our youthful years on the wrong person. i love him, i do, but something is unsettling and i think its more than the rocky beginning. he's great to me, he's so incredibly in love with me, i cant even begin to explain the depths of it. he is so incredibly loyal and dedicated to me. he wants this relationship to work, he is committed, and wants to get married as soon as i'm ready and things get better between us.
the problem is, things arent great between us. even though i love him, i have this nagging feeling every day that i am wasting my life. i'm a very kind hearted girl, and i am great with animals, but i am such a loser in life. i always take the easy way, i lay around and sulk all day, i have a teaching degree from 10+ years ago and i'm still a substitute teacher and waiting tables on the weekends. i prefer this lifestyle because i can make my own schedule, but i'd make more money and have benefits and feel less like a loser if i had a full time job. problem is, i dont want to teach because its so much work, responsibility, stress, pressure, etc for me. i might be decent at it, but i just dont know that i have what it takes to do it full time. i dont know what else i can do with myself. i'm stressing so much because i'm now in my mid-30's in an unstable relationship, unstable career, no kids, no true friends, cant support myself on my own. i feel like a mess. is this true? maybe i could look at the bright side, and see i have a man that loves me, a decent job, etc, things arent so bad.
but in mind, things are very, very bad. i barely want to go on living. every day, i think of leaving my man. i think of leaving him because he's very uptight about house-related issues and i am not, he nags me constantly, he's allergic to my kitties and they are forced to live outside and in garage, his exwife hates me, and there's not a whole lot of chemistry. but i live with him, and should i leave, my life would still suck. i'd have to pretend to have the strength to leave and be devasted and crushed for the hundredth time, having to move on. and i never move on. i'll have to rent a room from someone, then try the online dating which i dont fit into anyone's dream girl description from what i've read. i see a glim future either way.
i'm supposed to call this guy back today to look into sharing his apartment with him, but i dont even know him. i'm so scared to take the plunge. i feel my youth is gone. i dont know what to do with myself. any advice is welcome. thank you