General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So I'm a male roommate living with a female roommate and we have lived together for 5 months. Back in the summer, I got mad at her that her black boyfriend (31 yrs) was older than her (we're 23 yrs, similar age). I got mad at her that her boyfriend came over so often and that I thought this guy was a total creeper and pretty much gave the impression I thought this guy was going to rob us or do something bad to us and saying he was a dangerous person. I think his race also influenced my judgement on him. I didn't take the time to really get to know him, he was actually nice the first day I met him and he bought me a burrito. It made her really upset that day and she still carries that grudge against me.
She then told all the bad stuff I said to her boyfriend and why he can't come over anymore. But I never told any of those bad comments to her boyfriend when he was over and I waited for him to leave before I let it all out. I was just angry that day so I said things I now regret and realize that are not true. That's why I didn't want to tell the BF straight to his face, but she kind of ruined it and the guy is extremely hurt from what I said.
But the past month, I tried telling her that I want her to bring her boyfriend over again because I know that is what she wants. And since she talked about this guy for a while and they are still in a relationship after half a year, I think it was time to accept the fact this guy was not who I thought he was. But the BF is still upset of the comments I said about him. Also, she is paying rent to my parents who own the apt I live in now so I wanted to allow her to feel comfortable bringing whomever she wants as long as they don't overstay their welcome.
So ya, this is a complicated issue and the last time I brought up again one day and she was about to cry. And she said something like "everyone loves that man and you judged him because he was black and older".
I left out some info because otherwise this **** will get too long while it is already long. But ya, basically, I want to stop letting my fears of black people from getting to know them and maybe people who may be older than me. She comes from Illinois so I think she is used to being open hanging out with older people while me in California just hung out with people my age.
You just learned a life lesson. Be careful about how you speak of a person's significant other. If you are not very close to the person, they will probably betray you. And when you involve race into the matter. That's a double no no. A racial infraction between two people is almost never fully forgiven. You might as well have called the dude the n word. He probably will never want to see your face again. If he forgives you I'll be surprised. The only thing you can do is wait for your roommate to move out or wait for the two to brake up.
On the other hand it is kind of tough for people who do not come in contact with other races frequently. You are under the false assumption that it is wrong to think that a black guy that looks like a criminal, is a criminal. This is not true. You see, your concerns with the guy's character are probably rational. If the guy seems like a criminal, he probably is. So if you were familiar with black people then you would have had the clear understanding that there are many black professionals, and their characters are quite different from the criminals. Then you would have had a dialogue with your roommate in terms limited to the character of her boyfriend. His race would not have mattered because you would have known that there are plenty of good black people and you simply would have identified him as a bad one.
And you would not currently think that black people who look like criminals, may or may not be criminals.
And of course if her boyfriend was a black professional. Like a young barack obama lets say. you might have still been afraid, but not as afraid. However, if you are the type of person that associates all black people with criminals, then I'm sure it was terrifying for you to meet a black man that actually looks like a criminal.
My point is don't beet yourself up too much. All black people do not look like criminals. If the guy seems like a criminal, he probably is one.
And as far as getting to know black people goes. Again don't make the mistake of attempting to bond with a thug just because he is black. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with bonding with a thug. But what I'm saying is that if you have a problem bonding with a white criminal, then black people are no different. If you assume that there are good black thugs and bad black thugs, then you are picturing all black people as thugs. And you are feeding into the stereotype. Just don't even consider the race. If he is a thug, then he is a thug, and if he is a good guy, then he is a good guy.
My point is don't beet yourself up too much. All black people do not look like criminals. If the guy seems like a criminal, he probably is one.
So if he's a criminal wouldn't he have met this guy on the street and handled his beef? Wouldn't the professional handle it just like it has played out by respecting his wishes of not coming back. So even though he "seemed" like a criminal to the OP he probably wasn't.
So if he's a criminal wouldn't he have met this guy on the street and handled his beef? Wouldn't the professional handle it just like it has played out by respecting his wishes of not coming back. So even though he "seemed" like a criminal to the OP he probably wasn't.
I've lived around black people my entire life and a play a lot of street ball in black neighborhoods (I'm black). And every black person is unique, just like everybody else. And that's why I stated that Jet can not let race effect his judgement. If a white guy seems like a headbanger/criminal/professional, then he probably is one. And the same goes for everybody. I have no idea what type of person his roommate's bf is. It's just that in my experience a lot of people who have not been around black people assume that most black people "look" like criminals, and that it is racist to assume that if a black person "looks" like a criminal, then he probably is one. When the racism actually comes into play at the point when you assume that most black people "look" like criminals.
The point is that it is ok to be cautious of a suspicious looking black guy, but try not to let race effect the way you think.
don't assume that he is good when he looks bad just because he is black. and don't assume that he is bad when he looks good.
Kobo you don't need to be a violent criminal to be a criminal. Criminals are all unique as well. And also the guy is probably extremely offended by what he heard Jet said. I don't know if you have ever lived around black people, but I know from living in the "hood" that the best way to get burglarized, is to invite a thug into your apartment to see what you have. If my roommate were to invite anybody that resembles lil wayne into my apartment, me and him would be having a very long, and angry, conversation.
That's great you recognize that your racism caused you to misjudge him. I think you should talk to your roommate about this directly. Explain how this incident has opened your mind to a problem you needed to face, apologize for putting her and her boyfriend in such an uncomfortable situation, and ask her to convey your apology and invite him over so you can apologize in person.
I've lived around black people my entire life and a play a lot of street ball in black neighborhoods (I'm black). And every black person is unique, just like everybody else. And that's why I stated that Jet can not let race effect his judgement. If a white guy seems like a headbanger/criminal/professional, then he probably is one. And the same goes for everybody. I have no idea what type of person his roommate's bf is. It's just that in my experience a lot of people who have not been around black people assume that most black people "look" like criminals, and that it is racist to assume that if a black person "looks" like a criminal, then he probably is one. When the racism actually comes into play at the point when you assume that most black people "look" like criminals.
The point is that it is ok to be cautious of a suspicious looking black guy, but try not to let race effect the way you think.
don't assume that he is good when he looks bad just because he is black. and don't assume that he is bad when he looks good.
Your terms are too vague. You said that if the guy seems like a criminal, he probably is one. Well the guy did seem like a criminal to the OP and turned out he wasn't one. This isn't some random person passing in the street where the lady grabs her pocket book. This person came over with someone the OP knows well enough to sleep under the same roof with. The guy attempted to be friendly with him and then decided to bad mouth him after he left.
I didn't take the time to really get to know him, he was actually nice the first day I met him and he bought me a burrito.
There was nothing to indicate to the OP that this guy was trouble except that he was Black.
Your terms are too vague. You said that if the guy seems like a criminal, he probably is one. Well the guy did seem like a criminal to the OP and turned out he wasn't one. This isn't some random person passing in the street where the lady grabs her pocket book. This person came over with someone the OP knows well enough to sleep under the same roof with. The guy attempted to be friendly with him and then decided to bad mouth him after he left.
I didn't take the time to really get to know him, he was actually nice the first day I met him and he bought me a burrito.
There was nothing to indicate to the OP that this guy was trouble except that he was Black.
The OP stated: I think his race also influenced my judgement on him.
That indicates that the black guy may have other incriminating characteristics. And it also indicates to me that the OP is not necessarily racist, he probably just has not been close with many black people. I'm not saying that I know this for sure.
And so I'm not saying that I know that his judgement is not based totally on race. I'm simply warning him that if I am correct in my thinking that his judgement is not totally based on race, then he should be careful so that he does not dismiss other incriminating characteristics. In other words he should not be afraid of the guy just because he is black, but he also should not dismiss other red flags because the guy is black with the assumption that "even upstanding black guys look like that". because, again, I'm assuming that he probably is not familiar with how an upstanding black guy would look or act.
I only give this advise in order to help him in the future with his dealings with black people because I know that if I were his roommate's boyfriend, I probably would not want anything else to do with him. But again everybody is different.
Also just because he has not robbed the OP does not mean he is not a criminal.
Lastly you don't know how well the roommate knows the guy and many women do in fact bring criminals home and sleep with them.
But forgive my for sounding as if i have judged the guy. From most indications the black dude is a nice guy. However the OP seems like a really good guy as well.
I was just afraid that now that he feels guilty about profiling this guy, that he is gonna overcompensate by associating himself with questionable people just because their black.
Allowing my female roommate's BF to come over 
