General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
When you and your spouse argue or have a disagreement, how do you do it? I'm trying to determine a better way to solve our disagreements other than yelling, screaming, hateful words, etc. We had a long day yesterday because it went something like this (warning, very petty argument that should not have even happened, but it did):
H calls me from a gas station to ask me if there is money in the account for gas, his app on his phone wasn't working and neither was his card at the pump or inside. I said yes there was money so I'm not sure what is wrong with his card, but it almost instantly escalated into an argument because of two things... He had spent 15 minutes trying to figure out what to do on his own before he called me, so when he called me he was already in a crappy mood about the whole thing, and secondly I was getting bombarded at work with guys here asking me to figure things out, so when H calls me, I immediately assumed he wanted me to "fix" it. I told him to go to the next station to see if their card reader worked and he got all bent out of shape because he claimed he'll probably run out of gas before he gets to the next station. Seriously, what was I going to do for him at that very moment??? And to make matters worse, my phone was not sending out texts and I did not know this, so he texts me calmly that another gas station accepted the card, and then he was taking his car to the dealer, meanwhile I'm *****ing at him via text and it appeared he was ignoring my texts. But he really didn't get them, and I did not know that until we eventually calmed down near the end of day and were able to discuss rationally. Meanwhile I feel like our kids had a crappy evening because my H and I were acting like jerks to one another. I don't want to do that. And this is just an example, but a lot of our arguments tend to start out with some pretty petty things now. Ugh.
I am sure you will get lots of good advice but my husband and I have developed "rules" over many years.
A couple of the many are....
Never communicate anything important via anything but voice as it leaves too many ways for misunderstandings.
We also understand that everyone has bad days and we try not to take it personal when the other is grumpy. This is easier said than done but really puts things into perspective. If he doesn't like my help or solutions then the other is free not to take it. Sometimes we just need to vent, accept it goes both ways.
What you describe seems to me like day to day misunderstandings and unfortunate circumstances that challenge us all. I have had all these things happen to me although probably not at the same time. Someone needs to lead in your relationship (I suggest your husband) and take the initiative and make the effort to apoplogize, make things right, calm everyone down and make sure you both get over it as soon as possible. This is a hands on effort and one of you needs to step up to it. Posted via Mobile Device
I am sure you will get lots of good advice but my husband and I have developed "rules" over many years.
A couple of the many are....
Never communicate anything important via anything but voice as it leaves too many ways for misunderstandings.
We also understand that everyone has bad days and we try not to take it personal when the other is grumpy. This is easier said than done but really puts things into perspective. If he doesn't like my help or solutions then the other is free not to take it. Sometimes we just need to vent, accept it goes both ways.
We did determine last night that the whole situation more than likely would not have escalated had he got my texts, he would have seen what it was that I had gotten so upset about and I would've seen that he was not purposely ignoring me, which escalated the situation even worse to the point that when I got home I was furious, which in turn pretty much ruined the following 3 hours of the evening So picking up the phone and calmly talking it out would've been an excellent choice and we are going to try and implement that.
I am the worst at taking things personal at times. At work, I can't take things personal and in turn show my ass, I have learned that. I really need to learn it at home. Some times I take it much more personal than other times, depends on the day I've had, which I know I need to continue to work on. Thanks for your input!
What you describe seems to me like day to day misunderstandings and unfortunate circumstances that challenge us all. I have had all these things happen to me although probably not at the same time. Someone needs to lead in your relationship (I suggest your husband) and take the initiative and make the effort to apoplogize, make things right, calm everyone down and make sure you both get over it as soon as possible. This is a hands on effort and one of you needs to step up to it. Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks! The key word there being "apologize". Neither one of us are very good at doing that, unfortunately.... Me less than my H. And when my H does apologize, I feel it's more condescending than sincere... i.e. I'm sorry YOU did this or that... Instead of simply saying I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I admit, I'm more than likely the culprit in things being aggravating this week... We've had some extended family problems and it came to head Monday and yesterday... I think I blame my H, and I need to refocus my energy and quit being such a B to him We are best friends, so I just need to remember that we can calmly discuss things instead of threatening to throw the cat or dog out if you walk out of this house and leave. It's so messed up at times.
Thanks! The key word there being "apologize". Neither one of us are very good at doing that, unfortunately.... Me less than my H. And when my H does apologize, I feel it's more condescending than sincere... i.e. I'm sorry YOU did this or that... Instead of simply saying I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I admit, I'm more than likely the culprit in things being aggravating this week... We've had some extended family problems and it came to head Monday and yesterday... I think I blame my H, and I need to refocus my energy and quit being such a B to him We are best friends, so I just need to remember that we can calmly discuss things instead of threatening to throw the cat or dog out if you walk out of this house and leave. It's so messed up at times.
Cool. It is important not to determine the level of your relationship by the most relationally challenged person. If you are less good at apologies than your h, then he needs to take the lead here. And an apology that feels condescending to the recipient is not a real apology, it is an explanation at best.
We don't argue... I guess that in itself can be a problem
Caused sexlessness now recovering... Afterwards I found that letters to my wife worked best. Verbal my words just got twisted around she was not in the mood to listen. She saves all letters. A strongly worded letter after two years seems to have switched her emotions back on
I do let my wife know now when she upsets me. At least that is better. I would never do that before.
We have never argued. lol. I think that's a bad thing. We have discussions, we have talks. We have issues that we now bring out instantly (since he moved home). Before that, frustrations would get the best of us and we'd snap and then be "ok" (which we weren't I later learned)...We're working on communication now and it's going great.
Thanks! The key word there being "apologize". Neither one of us are very good at doing that, unfortunately.... Me less than my H. And when my H does apologize, I feel it's more condescending than sincere... i.e. I'm sorry YOU did this or that... Instead of simply saying I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I admit, I'm more than likely the culprit in things being aggravating this week... We've had some extended family problems and it came to head Monday and yesterday... I think I blame my H, and I need to refocus my energy and quit being such a B to him We are best friends, so I just need to remember that we can calmly discuss things instead of threatening to throw the cat or dog out if you walk out of this house and leave. It's so messed up at times.
You probably have an underlying issue in your marriage. It's important you find out what it is. In my case it was sex.
I at the time knew my behaviors weren't fully right but still did them to vent, That caused my wife to turn off her emotions. So if you get really upset at your H what is the underlying NEED that you are missing in your marriage from him.
After you figure that out you need to communicate to him what it is. Once he fulfills that need you won't feel like venting so much.
Thanks. I know we do have underlying issues, quite a few of them in fact. I know I'm still recovering from the issues he created early on... And then something so silly seems to set me off... I just sometimes feel he not grateful I'm still here, with him, after all the **** he pulled. Maybe that's selfish of me because lord knows I can be difficult. Maybe my underlying need is for him to appreciate me... Which I really don't feel at times, I feel like he just needs me to pick up his pieces. i.e. fix the bank card issue. I've been picking up the pieces of his life since we got married! And then when I had a meltdown and he filed for divorce, I felt discarded. He knows all this... And I've told him, but I don't know how to not let it bother me at times still... It's been nearly 2 years since that happened and we've been back together for a year and a half. I don't know. I do know I just don't want to fight, so I guess it does start with me
Thanks. I know we do have underlying issues, quite a few of them in fact. I know I'm still recovering from the issues he created early on... And then something so silly seems to set me off... I just sometimes feel he not grateful I'm still here, with him, after all the **** he pulled. Maybe that's selfish of me because lord knows I can be difficult. Maybe my underlying need is for him to appreciate me... Which I really don't feel at times, I feel like he just needs me to pick up his pieces. i.e. fix the bank card issue. I've been picking up the pieces of his life since we got married! And then when I had a meltdown and he filed for divorce, I felt discarded. He knows all this... And I've told him, but I don't know how to not let it bother me at times still... It's been nearly 2 years since that happened and we've been back together for a year and a half. I don't know. I do know I just don't want to fight, so I guess it does start with me
You are 100% responsible for your marriage. You are 100% responsible for your feelings.
So it is all you to start... you need to get a handle on it. But it sounds like both of you need to figure this marriage out.
If you so much as grumble one more sound I swear I will come down there and tear your f^cking head off & punt it across the street.
Hmmmm, thankfully our fights do not consist of physical threats towards one another. Although a few times before we got back together I warned him to sleep with one eye open
I don't know how to not let it bother me at times still... It's been nearly 2 years since that happened and we've been back together for a year and a half. I don't know. I do know I just don't want to fight, so I guess it does start with me
My humble advice is to forgive all this old stuff. That will get it off your chest. Everyone fights, any couple that doesn't is storing up bigger problems for the future. It's how your fights are resolved that is important along with sticking to an agreement to fight fair.
How do you argue with your spouse? 
So picking up the phone and calmly talking it out would've been an excellent choice and we are going to try and implement that. 
