mjthomas

Need advice, PLEASE!!!! This may be long....

I have been married for 32 years this December. I got married at an early age (18) and have three beautiful children, now all grown. I had know my wife for about 5 years before we married and we dated for four of the five years. I knew her, but I really did NOT know her, if you know what I am saying.

As we were dating, she was well liked by her peers, and appeared to be out-going. She has a twin sister (fraternal) who was very outgoing (cheerleader, band, flag leader, etc.). However, my wife, i found out later was never the type to do active things in life. She was a loner, and clinged to me 24-7 when we were dating, and would get extremely jealous if I even LOOKED at another girl.

I thought it was cute(at the time), and we spent a lot of time together. I went into the military when I was 18, and we got married shortly after that. Our marraiage was OK at first, but that is when I noticed the change in her. She would start fights for no reason at all. If a female (even one she knew) said hello to me I would get accused of trying to be with that person. About that time, our first child as born and she gained a lot of weight, making things even worse. However, as a good husband, I never, ever, said anything about her weight, but the abuse from her continued. It got so bad, that if I went anywhere, she had to go with me. Now, I have never cheated on her, or anything. She was just clingy.

I thought that over time, it would get better, now it's the same. I have no social life unless she is involved. I used to go fishing a lot. I would go with my mom and dad, so she was not threatened by that association and it was OK. Now that they both have passed, she does not want me to go anymore, or she wants to tag along. I thought it would be okay for her to tag along, but she is NOT an out-doors person and complained the whole time that I cut my trip short.

What can I do, or am I doomed? It's really taking an effect on me as the only time i have to myslef is when I go to work, and then she calls me every hour! I am going nuts here!!

I wanted to point out that she told me she did not have a great child hood. She stated her mother favored her sister over her and would praise her all of the time because she was so out-going. ALso, she has six brothers who had a lot of male friends come around, and she was sexually molested several times without telling anyone.

I want you to know that I do love my wife, but I am now 50, and sometimes I dont want to come home as I feel I dont have a life of my own. Is there something wrong with me?

southern wife

What you can do is stop being a doormat for her. Stop allowing her to control you. If you want to go fishing, then GO FISHING! You need to have a life of your own and do your own things outside of your marriage in order to be happy with yourself. Stop being afraid of her (yes, you are afraid to stand up to her). I understand her difficult childhood, but she needs therapy to get treated for it. She does not "need" to be with you 24/7. That would drive me nuts.

Also, when she calls you every hour, stop answering the phone. My H use to call me ALL THE TIME, but I simply stopped answering the phone and that is my right to do so. I do not need to be at his becking call. And neither do you.

Find your balls (look in your wife's purse) and stand up for yourself. Yep, time to 'man up'!

mjthomas

Thanks for the reply. You are right. I need to stand up to her, and I have in the past. It's just she goes into a shell and gets really depressed. And being the man I am, I cave into her.

As for the phone calls, if she cant reach me on my office phone, she will call me on my office cell phone. If no answer, she will call me on my personal cell phone!! If I dont answer, or am in a meeting, it's WW III. It's never important, its just that she does not have a life of her own, and she tells me that I AM HER LIFE!!!

I guess I need to find her something that interests here besides me. Any suggestions???

Acorn

Ack, this is not the right play.

You need to find something that interests you AND be willing to insist on some time for yourself.

You can help her accept your reasonable need for some alone time, but you aren't obligated to find alternatives for her - she should be able to do that on her own.

southern wife

You need to be doing your OWN thing, and let her figure out what she needs/wants to be doing while you are gone. She does need some therapy though since she's had such a rough past.

But again, STOP answering all her phone calls. And when she tries to start up "WW III", do NOT allow it. Just walk away and go do something else. Go for a walk, go fishing, go make new friends. And stop allowing her to keep you at the bottom of the work ladder. Take those promotions, make more money, feel good about yourself.

that_girl

She is worried about something regarding your absence.

Have you asked what her fear is if you go? Is she sure you'll come back?

Sometimes, people with abandonment issues try to hold on tighter which ultimately has the opposite effect and pushes their partner away.

__________________

mjthomas

Thanks to all for the input. It was much needed therapy for me to vent and get strong responses.

I had a very happy child hood and it paiins me to know that she did not. I will continue to seek therapy for both of us.

Again, thanks for the input!

SOuthern Wife: OUCH!!! I found my balls and they were not in her purse. They were right where they were supposed to be!!

Sincerely,

MJT

southern wife

I thought *most* married men kept them in their wife's purse!